it must be a holiday.....share your frustrations!

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xredshoesx

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it must be a holiday.....share your frustrations!
« on: April 13, 2017, 08:00:47 AM »
it must be a holiday

my FIL passed 4 years ago and holidays have been a shit show since then.  he really was the glue holding my DH's family together.

every holiday since has been a battle in one way or another about who is going to host.  MIL insists on hosting, but then doesn't have enough room for everyone on top of having a non-working oven..............we've had the FOG holidays yearly where my SIL and I microwave/crockpot entire holiday dinners.  other SIL has a beautiful home and tries to host (and has done several times and done a wonderful job) which makes sense because she has the small kids...but no, that's not good enough for MIL.  i've had two easters and one thanksgiving since we've been married but we live 'too far' and not everyone comes down, which is frustrating and hurtful too.

beng here helps me see this isn't mine to fix/solve.  it's just another way MIL uses her emotions/outbursts to keep us all under her thumb.  this year i don't even know what we are doing AND I DON'T CARE.  the nagging anxiety is GONE- i offered to cook and it's holy thursday and no one has gotten back.  that's cool, whatever.  i'd gladly take a dish to pass to SIL house but she hasn't gotten back yet either and i have to work today and monday so really if we stay home and grill steaks for just us that's fine too.

i hope your plans are going well and despite whatever monkey wrench gets thrown in, you all have a peaceful weekend.  remember the 3 c's and be kind to yourself.

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bohemian butterfly

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Re: it must be a holiday.....share your frustrations!
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2017, 10:52:52 AM »
Oh boy, yes, frustration abounds over here!

SIL and uBPDM are "alpha females" and control freaks and bossy.

They are already hounding me about Memorial Day weekend.  I'm so overwhelmed right now that I've put my head in the sand and shut down.  Not replying to text messages and I don't care anymore.  I have nothing left.  I'm so over them all that I want to run away.


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bopper

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Re: it must be a holiday.....share your frustrations!
« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2017, 12:49:12 PM »
Perhaps it is time for DH to talk to SIL and discuss that MIL's house isn't working for holidays anymore.
Decide who will host and that person should invite everyone.
If MIL says no, then say "Okay, SIL/BIL will be here, so call if you would like to talk to everyone."
Set a boundary and she has no other choice.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
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moglow

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Re: it must be a holiday.....share your frustrations!
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2017, 04:17:21 PM »
I'm frustrated on a whole other level - Single. No children. No real family attachments or holiday plans for many years. I ache hearing all the plans, watching the families together, facing the "what did y'all do for Easter" come Monday morning.


I miss the old days when our extended family got together, all the cousins playing, the aunts and uncles doing what they do, grandparents trying to run herd on it all. I know now there was a whole other undertone to those gatherings that we (thankfully) missed out on, but I still miss them.
« Last Edit: April 13, 2017, 04:19:52 PM by moglow »
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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VividImagination

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Re: it must be a holiday.....share your frustrations!
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2017, 05:54:55 PM »
Mo? Wish you were closer....you'd so be here with us!
NM was viciously territorial over holidays. EVERY holiday had to be at her house and go from dawn to the wee hours. Holidays became a prison sentence that we dreaded. DH stated several times he wished he could go to work instead, and he hated his job at the time.

NM allowed me to have an "unimportant holiday" (her words) one fourth of July when she was ill with cancer. DH and I did a great job hosting and the entire FOO loved it. NM was terribly jealous and declared the entire day awful and a was a complete waste. She declared she'd never allow another holiday to occur outside her domain again.

She was dead two years later, and now we actually have fun.  At my house, generally. :)
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

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xredshoesx

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Re: it must be a holiday.....share your frustrations!
« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2017, 06:41:38 PM »
We already set that boundary.  then MIL decided she was going to AZ so every holiday has been 'her last chance to have the holiday'.  i try to stay out of it.

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xredshoesx

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Re: it must be a holiday.....share your frustrations!
« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2017, 09:46:39 PM »
new plan is brunch.  i hope they are serving  :abduct:

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moglow

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Re: it must be a holiday.....share your frustrations!
« Reply #7 on: April 13, 2017, 10:32:26 PM »
 :yeahthat: :cool2:
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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bamboozledboy

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Re: it must be a holiday.....share your frustrations!
« Reply #8 on: April 14, 2017, 10:25:57 AM »
Last Easter was the last time my sisters and mother saw my NPD father.  He behaved well for about 5 hours in the visit and then trouble started.  Picking fights and making everyone uncomfortable with negative, obnoxious comments.  Nobody, including me wanted confront his behavior, so it continued until he left.  I was the only one that saw him after this visit.  October of last year was the last straw for me.  I have not talked to him since.  He has been alone for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now Easter. 

Its hard not to feel bad that he is alone.  I get it, but I still feel like I should do something to help him.  Yuck!

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daughterofbpd

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Re: it must be a holiday.....share your frustrations!
« Reply #9 on: April 14, 2017, 05:51:13 PM »
I sympathize with your holiday frustrations! My BPDm seems to get triggered by holidays, there have been so many when she’s flown into a rage, screaming and crying all day. After years of saying no more holidays at my parent’s house, last Easter finally cemented that into my brain! It took me having a child of my own to put my foot down. Now, I don’t even give them the option of hosting at their house. Sis and I come up with plans ahead of time and our parents get an invite. Basically, “we are doing _____, you are welcome to join us.” BPDm somehow manages to behave herself when she’s at someone else’s house, so it works. I’m waiting for the inevitable complaint that we never let her host anymore and I’ll deal with that when it comes (she doesn’t even cook or like decorating, hosting, etc. – she just wants all the control). My plan is to just tell her “We have a child now and want to start our own holiday celebrations, you’ve had the past 30 years to host. This is what we are doing, you are welcome to attend or make your own plans.”

My sister lives 2 hours away from my parents and I. I don’t think it is fair that she travel every single holiday, so we take turns. Your family should do that for you also, it isn’t fair that you are always expected to travel. You can always decide you’ll travel for x holiday but not y holiday and stick to that. I think your plan for this year sounds great.

I like Bopper’s suggestion too.

Moglow – I’m sorry, that sounds hard. One Easter, several years ago, my parents went on vacay and my bf went golfing so I took myself to a movie I had really been wanting to see. I treated myself to popcorn and a soda. It is actually one of my favorite Easter memories. I know it isn’t the same, I’ve always had fantasies of big, family gatherings, and miss getting together with my cousins too. My mom ruined my relationship with her whole side of the family, nobody will even talk to me (or her) anymore. My dad’s family isn’t much better.

Wishing you ALL a happy and drama free holiday!
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
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Crochet Addict

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Re: it must be a holiday.....share your frustrations!
« Reply #10 on: April 20, 2017, 06:28:30 PM »
Since Sis scheduled dinner while I was working on a day I couldn't get off, my FOO didn't acknowledge it at all with me or Little Man. No cards for either of us (my mom and grandfather usually send cards). Even though they were in town and claimed they had Easter treats for us, they couldn't be bothered to stop by. I got a text from PDMom saying "it wasn't convenient". We live about 15 minutes away from Sis. So I guess they're eating my son's Easter candy. LMAO We, on the other hand, had a lovely Easter. I made cookies and a ham dinner and invited DH's parents over. DH and I hid eggs for Little Man and made up an Easter basket for him, and we went to the playground and let Little Man run all of his sugar off.  ;D
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daughterofbpd

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Re: it must be a holiday.....share your frustrations!
« Reply #11 on: April 20, 2017, 06:57:12 PM »
Crochet Addict - Sounds fun, I'm glad it worked out! I thought your offer to your mom was more than fair. Her loss for not visiting.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
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