Parent alienation during marriage

  • 9 Replies
  • 5808 Views
*

Heavyheart

  • New Member
  • *
  • 2
Parent alienation during marriage
« on: April 15, 2017, 09:15:46 PM »

Hi, I'm new on here so hope I'm posting in the right place.
I spent 15 years in a marriage before I started to twig that something wasn't quite right with my husband that couldn't be resolved.
And even then I didn't realise that at around year 15 of marriage that he started alienating our daughter against me by apparently confiding in her  about his twisted view  on our relationship therefore making her very protective and loyal to him (against me who she began to see as the enemy and not to be trusted).
It wasn't until about year 20 I had the near full picture that he has I believe Narcissistic personality disorder .
By year 23 of our marriage I managed to get him to move out (I wouldn't leave the kids and as he had alienated our daughter against me I couldn't count on her coming with me and her brother if I moved out).
Now nearly two years on I actually have a divorce (after him accusing me of verbal abuse against our daughter) but he is now stringing out the financials , I suspect because he knows I want to move house but can't until Finances settled.
What I wanted to emphasise is, (which there is very little help or even mention of in text books or internet)  is that parent alienation DOESNT just occur at separation and divorce , it happens within marriages too.
Has anyone else had a similar experience?

*

Stumbleon

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 249
Re: Parent alienation during marriage
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2017, 11:42:45 PM »
Yes, thank you for bringing that up. My ex used to lend support to the idea that I was mentally ill to our 16 y o son whenever I made a parenting decision he didn't like (ie fixing a cell phone rather than buying a new one).... they were kind of teamed up against me that way. I totally get it, and it lent support to my idea that I had to get out in order to save the relationship I had with my kids.

The first year of separation has been rough because ex ramped up his alientation big time. But following the advice on these boards, to be the kind, stable, consistent parent, has helped undo some of the damage. Big hug and welcome!!   

*

Heavyheart

  • New Member
  • *
  • 2
Re: Parent alienation during marriage
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2017, 05:34:02 AM »
Hello Stumbleon, and what a relief to find someone who gets it! 
The main driving force for me too was to save my relationship with my kids as initially it was only my eldest (daughter) that he had indoctrinated into his "cult" but then my son started backing them both and I knew I had to get out as quickly as I could.
There was still a thread of trust between me and my daughter so she came to counselling with me which was tough but also a relief as I was able to say things in a safe environment that she believed rather than her dismiss as controlling, manipulative or insane (as this is how my husband had portrayed me to her).
We live in a small town and my ex lives less than a mile away and she lives with him 50% of  the time. She's now 20 and I just want to get her away from his influence as he's being very cruel to her as he was to me but she loves him and it's heartbreaking to watch.
I am being kind, stable and consistent but do you have any other advice that could help me get her away from him?

*

Diavore

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 57
Re: Parent alienation during marriage
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2017, 10:00:23 AM »
My ex-H began to triangulate between me and my daughter very early one.  He would completely ignore me while showering her with attention/affection. Like a split personality, He could go from being sweet and loving to her one second to evil towards me the next.  It was scary.  He also started to do things with her without including me, etc. like taking her on an outing or to the toy store, ice cream, etc.  Normal stuff a family would do together but he would do it in secret.  Not including me was intentional.  Sorry, when the ice cream shop is 3 blocks away theres no reason not to include the other parent in taking the child for ice cream but he'd claim he was trying to "give me a break" when Id call him out on it.  Uhhhh, wheres the break when I needed help changing diapers?

She was 2 when I first noticed all this and I had him out by the time she was 3 knowing full well the psychological consequences that type of behavior would have on both her and I.  It is sick.  He still tries stuff like that but its always material stuff like the tooth fairy leaves her a dollar at my house but she gets a $100 dollar toy at his so yes, she wants to lose all her teeth over there.

What I can say folks as the adult daughter of a BPD Mother who successfully alienated us from my father...the non BPD does prevail.  Keep being soft stable consistent.  Show her with your actions she can count on you.  The BPD is not capable of truly being there for her when she needs him and you are.  That time will come, you will rise up to meet it and there will be no turning back.

His abuse towards her is something I fear every day for my own daughter but I was given the advice by those who've lived thru it not to lie to the kids about the BPD behavior so I am honest, validating while not bashing.  "You know that's not true so it doesn't matter what anyone else said"..."You know that behavior is wrong." ...etc.

*

Stumbleon

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 249
Re: Parent alienation during marriage
« Reply #4 on: April 21, 2017, 05:09:44 AM »
I have one week on and one week off with my DD. Ex plans fancy vacays with her during MY time and if I let her go, I then invite her out for a latte or dinner during HIS weeks. She's 17 so the courts don't care. I also call or text her once every day or so. Ask her opinion on things. Give her compliments and treat her like an adult. So far it's working and altho she still loves time with dad, there is very little animosity towards me. Good luck!!

*

Nerdgirl

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 30
Re: Parent alienation during marriage
« Reply #5 on: April 21, 2017, 08:30:46 AM »
My ex used to do these to our children, sorry to hear about your situation...Hugs and Love!!

*

Wifeofenmeshedh

  • New Member
  • *
  • 5
Re: Parent alienation during marriage
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2018, 03:42:30 PM »
I am in exact situation.
Married for 13 years and my husband is alienating my son. Is there a way out of this?

*

Magnolia34

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 129
Re: Parent alienation during marriage
« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2018, 02:23:18 PM »
Ugh. I've spent the last 2 days reading everything I can find online about PA. Sometimes that makes it worse but it's calming me down this time around. Makes me feel like I'm not imagining everything. My DH has been dealing with this with his bpdxw for years. I never thought about it happening while the parents are still married but I guess that makes total sense! BM is working on my youngest SS at the moment. He had an absolute meltdown the other night screaming about how his dad is selfish and lies to them about everything, that his mom is poor because of him, he's trying to keep them from their mom (they have 50/50 custody and she actually has them a little more due to RFR and DH's travel schedule). But now that I think about it SD was REALLY hostile to DH when I first met him and friends have said she was like that prior to their divorce. Any mundane thing that would happen would be DH's fault.

We do our best to gently correct any misinformation the kids have been given "Dad lies to us!" our response would be "He/I do?! Can you tell me how so we can talk and figure it out?" And of course they never know. I also try to point out things that DH does for the kids "Wasn't it so fun to have your dad at your school play today? He really loved watching you!" It's hard to think this far in advance but I just hope one day they'll look back and put all of the pieces together.


*

Latchkey

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 8921
Re: Parent alienation during marriage
« Reply #8 on: May 25, 2018, 08:14:32 PM »
I think this kind of behavior is more common than many realize in the intact family as part of the family dynamic when you are dealing with a Narcissistic family system that it sounds like your H came from. It could be he is repeating patterns he grew up with where he was perhaps the Golden Child and that is what he is doing with your DS. Parental Alienation is just one piece of a much larger problem usually.

Here is an article from Psychology Today that may help shed some light on what is going onThe Narcissistic Family Portrait



Please also see the links:

Talking to Kids about PD's
Parental Alienation Syndrome
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
-
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

*

LucilleBluth

  • New Member
  • *
  • 26
Re: Parent alienation during marriage
« Reply #9 on: July 02, 2018, 03:33:26 PM »
I was in a marriage for a similar length of time. After he moved out my 19yo son stayed with me. I had suspected that my Nex was pulling the same thing but honestly I thought even HE wouldn't stoop so low as to try to turn my own son against me. After a few  nasty comments from my son I started showing him emails his dad had sent me. Admissions of rape, attempted rape, apologizing repeatedly for physical abuses, etc. I showed him every bit of evidence I had accumulated against my ex over the years, and there was a lot. So my ex would tell my son he abandoned us on vacation because I was "crazy". The emails and other evidence showed my son that he had in fact tried to rape me and left in a narc rage to teach me a lesson for fending him off and locking myself in a room with our daughter. Stuff like that. For years my Nex had painted me as crazy, mentally ill, etc., the same smear campaign he used on everybody else we knew. My son despises his dad now and says he feels like an abuse victim, and what his dad did to him is definitely abuse. The amount of human pain a narc can cause is seemingly endless.