Stalking ex

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Stalking ex
« on: April 19, 2017, 04:55:27 AM »

I'm new to OOTF. My ex and I broke up last November after a short whirlwind  romance. I had decided to call it quits and worked out a plan with a friend; the next day my ex had a dramatic "I need to leave" speech and scene (just before my birthday).

I was grateful to be off the hook of initiating our breakup so I encouraged her. Nevertheless, it was very painful and didn't change how abandoned I felt.  She knew I was starting a new job, both of my daughters were in the hospital and financial pressures were over the top the day she announced her decision to leave.

I remember feeling shock as she begged me to consider how difficult it was for her, crying and admonishing me to forgive her, then the BPD switch! Blithely she started discussing how we could hook up again in a month or two down the road, or escape on a vacation.

I said that I accepted her decision as final, but would not prolong our mutual agony in a fantasy long distance love affair.  After, she tried several times to contact me, so I blocked her email and phone, going no contact for 4 months. I have learned that her BPD is "known in the wider community" to have impacted other lesbian friends in past years, which is both painful and validating.

Since then, it's been a real struggle to deal with the new job, my daughters and my own needs. Still, I find doing the simplest tasks very difficult and frankly, I fear I'm depressed. I've never felt so devastated by a breakup. I started therapy last week, and had a very stressful week at work and in supporting my pregnant daughter to leave an abusive partner.

Last Friday my ex emailed me a long, romantic proposal to resume our relationship. I waited overnight, then decided to send a blunt refusal to make my position clear. Now, this week I'm emotionally grappling with guilt. Even though I have little illusions, I'm filled with remorse, loss, guilt and regret - it's like an emotional hangover.

It's not just getting through my day now, but worrying if she will stalk me more, especially as she plans to move closer to me. Even worse, we are both experts in similar niche jobs and may wind up working together.



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Re: Stalking ex
« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2017, 08:22:29 AM »
Kore - I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through.  I'm fairly new to OOTF too, and I've found that I keep coming back just to read stories from others and get support from this community. 

I can't relate to what you're going through very much, but I wanted you to know I read your post and am wishing for the best for you.  It sounds like you have an awful lot going on in your life! 

I know that being in a relationship with someone with PD can feel like a whirlwind as he/she treats you really well and makes you feel really special.  It's hard to reconcile that person with the person he/she turns out to be.  You want that great person to come back.  It took me a long time to realize that the person I was waiting to come back wasn't really who my partner was.  He was really the guy that emerged several months into the relationship. 

I spent a long time trying to find that other guy and latching onto the little bits of intimacy he'd throw me, but I eventually had to admit that I wasn't ever going to get that guy back because that's not who he is. 

I hope this helps.  It helps me just to know others are struggling and trying to work through stuff in an imperfect way just like I am. 

I wish for peace for you.