Dealing with Gaslighting Makes Dating Difficult

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nearlynarcfree

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Dealing with Gaslighting Makes Dating Difficult
« on: April 24, 2017, 12:07:34 AM »
So I have had a handful of boyfriends in my dating life.  I wanted to talk about this because I have had the same traumatizing situation happen twice in the last three years.

Basically, I was in a situation last year where I was in love with a guy that I was seeing.  He lived in my apartment building and a covert narc who also lived in our building in was jealous because her husband checked me out often and she blamed me.  So she went to this guy I was dating (they were friends) and told him that I was trying to steal her husband and he believed her because she played the victim card.  They eventually moved out (they broke up because he was cheating on her, just not with me).  I can't afford to move, and the guy I was in love with still lives in my building.

Fast forward to this year and I have a huge crush on this guy in my social group and a similar thing is happening again.  I had a crush on a guy and another covert narc guy asked me out on a date.  I realized quickly he was a covert narc and so I turned him down before the date.  He then lied about what happened between us (to the guy I originally had a crush on), which was, effectively, nothing.  The guy I had a crush on was hot and cold for awhile (based on what he was hearing).  He finally asked me out and I turned him down, because I could tell that he believed some of the rumours, but recently I told him I was being gaslighted and he believed me.  However, then the narc guy stepped it up and he hates me now.

Growing up, my mother, who is a covert narc, used to say bad things about me to my enabling father, so that he would be mad at me.  So I know that this is just my childhood playing out, and that these guys represent my father, but how do I break this pattern? (Without a therapist, because I can't afford one.)

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Latchkey

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Re: Dealing with Gaslighting Makes Dating Difficult
« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2017, 03:04:15 PM »
I am one not to believe that our parents control our dating future. We may be attracted to the same kind of people as our parents but that could also have to do with our culture or where we are from. I would encourage you to go outside your social group for social activities and your apartment and hopefully meet some new people. I like the web site "safe relationships" as well as the book.. "How to Spot a Dangerous Man before you get involved" by Sandra Brown. There is a review below in the Book Reviews. There is hope. It sounds like you are still pretty young and I hope you can break out of all these gaslighting situations!
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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coyote

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Re: Dealing with Gaslighting Makes Dating Difficult
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2017, 03:31:10 PM »
nearly,
It does seem some of your current social groups are causing you a lot of stress. When I was dating in my youth I never found it a good idea to date anyone in my same apartment complex. Just made the break ups too difficult. Perhaps look for some other avenues; volunteering, book clubs, astronomy clubs, church socials and the like.

I see from your other posts you seem to experience a lot of gaslighting. I realize therapy can be expensive but perhaps look at the local universities. Many of the counselling departments offer free counselling by graduate students. Some therapists offer services on a sliding scale fee; based on your income.

I'm sure you have asked yourself this already but if not I will toss it out there, Why do you experience so much gaslighting? I really like the book "The Four Agreements" Although it does not speak to gaslighting, narcs, dating specifically, it does give us good insight as to why we are currently behaving the way we are in relation to how we were raised.

This site has a good synopsis of it: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cui-bono/201012/agreeing-the-four-agreements

Psychology Today website also has a number of other resources on it. Check it out. I hope this helps.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius