Help! Gaslighting in my social group

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nearlynarcfree

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Help! Gaslighting in my social group
« on: April 08, 2017, 09:10:33 PM »
I am experience gaslighting in my social group and I am afraid that I will get kicked out of the group. There are only three covert narcissists in the group but they are trying to get me kicked out.
The leader is an enabler. We almost dated. However, one of the narcissists spread lies about me in order to make me seem less attractive to him. As a result, he flying monkeyed out on me and I turned him down as a result. He is now dating someone new. However, I told him what was happening early on, and he was starting to believe me. The gaslighters stepped it up today and they seem to be winning.

I sent him the following message:

Word of the Day:
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make targets question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target's belief.[1][2]
Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term owes its origin to Gas Light, a 1938 play and 1944 film. It has been used in clinical and research literature.[3][4]

2nd Word of the Day:
Mobbing, in the context of human beings, means bullying of an individual by a group, in any context, such as a family, peer group, school, workplace, neighborhood, community, or online.
I am not sure if this was a good idea, but I wanted to state my truth and avoid getting kicked out of the group. Thoughts?

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biggerfish

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Re: Help! Gaslighting in my social group
« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2017, 09:31:59 PM »
I wish I had your courage because of course you are doing the right thing by exposing the dysfunction to the light of day. Regardless of the reaction, you are being true to self. I am now asking myself "why can't I do that?"

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nearlynarcfree

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Re: Help! Gaslighting in my social group
« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2017, 09:50:18 PM »
I wish I had your courage because of course you are doing the right thing by exposing the dysfunction to the light of day. Regardless of the reaction, you are being true to self. I am now asking myself "why can't I do that?"

Thank you for your kind words.  I am not sure that it is courage though.  I think of it like this.  Suppose you are at a bank and the bank gets held up.  The bank robber says, "Everybody get down or I will shoot."  Would you try to get the gun?  You might try being compliant first, to see if it worked.  But if he shoots the bank teller, or a random person, all bets are off.

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Chiara

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Re: Help! Gaslighting in my social group
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2017, 12:36:08 AM »
I am experience gaslighting in my social group and I am afraid that I will get kicked out of the group. There are only three covert narcissists in the group but they are trying to get me kicked out.
The leader is an enabler. We almost dated. However, one of the narcissists spread lies about me in order to make me seem less attractive to him. As a result, he flying monkeyed out on me and I turned him down as a result. He is now dating someone new. However, I told him what was happening early on, and he was starting to believe me. The gaslighters stepped it up today and they seem to be winning.

I sent him the following message:

Word of the Day:
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make targets question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target's belief.[1][2]
Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term owes its origin to Gas Light, a 1938 play and 1944 film. It has been used in clinical and research literature.[3][4]

2nd Word of the Day:
Mobbing, in the context of human beings, means bullying of an individual by a group, in any context, such as a family, peer group, school, workplace, neighborhood, community, or online.
I am not sure if this was a good idea, but I wanted to state my truth and avoid getting kicked out of the group. Thoughts?

I think it was a good idea.

Will it work? I do not know. It may make the problem worse (you are, after all, exposing the abuse head on, and abusers seem to fear being caught).

But I still think it was smart, because if not now, maybe down the road someone will use it to wake up. At the very least, you got it out there, and they know that you are no dummy. :)

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nearlynarcfree

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Re: Help! Gaslighting in my social group
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2017, 01:26:34 AM »
I am experience gaslighting in my social group and I am afraid that I will get kicked out of the group. There are only three covert narcissists in the group but they are trying to get me kicked out.
The leader is an enabler. We almost dated. However, one of the narcissists spread lies about me in order to make me seem less attractive to him. As a result, he flying monkeyed out on me and I turned him down as a result. He is now dating someone new. However, I told him what was happening early on, and he was starting to believe me. The gaslighters stepped it up today and they seem to be winning.

I sent him the following message:

Word of the Day:
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make targets question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target's belief.[1][2]
Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term owes its origin to Gas Light, a 1938 play and 1944 film. It has been used in clinical and research literature.[3][4]

2nd Word of the Day:
Mobbing, in the context of human beings, means bullying of an individual by a group, in any context, such as a family, peer group, school, workplace, neighborhood, community, or online.
I am not sure if this was a good idea, but I wanted to state my truth and avoid getting kicked out of the group. Thoughts?

I think it was a good idea.

Will it work? I do not know. It may make the problem worse (you are, after all, exposing the abuse head on, and abusers seem to fear being caught).

But I still think it was smart, because if not now, maybe down the road someone will use it to wake up. At the very least, you got it out there, and they know that you are no dummy. :)

Thank you for your support.  I will be sure to let you know how it turns out.

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Chiara

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Re: Help! Gaslighting in my social group
« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2017, 04:18:17 AM »

Thank you for your support.  I will be sure to let you know how it turns out.
[/quote]

Thanks. I will be curious to hear. :)

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nearlynarcfree

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Help! Gaslighting in my Social Group, Part 2
« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2017, 01:21:40 AM »
So you may have read my other post this week, gaslighting in my social group, part 1. 

So as you may recall, having read my first post, I am being gaslighted in my social group (which is a sports league), which contains three narcissists.  I had told the organizer about it, and I was sure that it would blow up in my face.  However, he believed me (for now), and things are better when he was there, but when he is not there, I am dealing with a lot of bullying from the other three narcissists in my group, which is triggering my C-PTSD.  It seems that the more I fight the mobbing, the more persistent it becomes when he is not there. 

Anyway, my stress level was at an all-time high tonight and I had a couple of games where I did not play very well, was dealing with the bullying and everything, and wondering why I came.  However, then I met a girl there who seemed really nice, and she seemed like she could be a good potential friend.  I suspect that she is very nice, and kind of shy.  So between the stress of maybe trying to make my first friend in awhile, dealing with one of the three narcissists that showed up tonight, and trying to focus on my game, I was completely overwhelmed.

So now I am even more worried.  What if this girl that I have met doesn't like me and believes the gaslighters?  What if she does not turn out to be nice?    I haven't met anyone that I would like to be friends with, with the exception of this girl, in over a year.  What if I play just as badly on Saturday and I get kicked out of the the group?

Does anyone find that their CPTSD makes it difficult to manage social situations that other people seem to take in stride? I feel completely overwhelmed. Help!






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Chiara

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Re: Help! Gaslighting in my Social Group, Part 2
« Reply #7 on: April 12, 2017, 03:32:06 AM »
I am sorry to hear that this is still happening for you. I think it is good that you reported it though.

I do not have a solution, but if I did, I would take away all your worries...by making sure you stopped worrying. :-)

Yet, I am not capable of that, although I wish I was.

At this point, the only thing I can really recommend is to try to find a way not to worry so much. A lot of these things are just beyond your control, as much as that may not be the answer that you would like to hear, but it is true. Of course. I know it is not easy to not worry, for if it were easy, we would all be masters of it! :-)

One thing that you can control is if you decide to stay in this group or leave and find a better one. If you do stay though, the only thing that you will be able to really have control over in the end is how you process all of this. Easier said than done, I know.

Please hang in there.

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clara

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Re: Help! Gaslighting in my Social Group, Part 2
« Reply #8 on: April 12, 2017, 12:30:19 PM »
 :yeahthat:  It takes time to start believing in yourself.  Start with the knowledge that you aren't who these narcs say you are, you don't behave in ways they say you do, etc.  In other words, don't gaslight yourself in the process.  Often NPDs speak with such self-assurance and righteousness you start second-guessing yourself and question the truth.  Remember--you already know the truth.  But you can't control the reactions of others.  If this new potential friend decides to listen to the narcs, all you can do is be yourself and show by actions, not words, your true self (the one behavior where NPDs really show who they are since their actions often don't line up with their words) and then let the chips fall where they may. 

Manipulation and control is PD behavior.  They excel at it and have a lot of practice at it.   Thing is, they almost always eventually out themselves to non-PDs for who they really are.  They may hurt you and temporarily affect your life, but they do it to everyone within their orbits.  Take the control back.  Sometimes it's best to suffer the temporary hurt of having to remove yourself from the situation while waiting for a better opportunity to come along.  Being miserable because of others is never worth the price of admission.

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nearlynarcfree

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Gaslighting in my Social Group - Part 3
« Reply #9 on: April 23, 2017, 11:39:29 PM »
So some of you may have read my first or second posts-gaslighting in my social group parts 1& 2.  Essentially, things got better for awhile.  The organizer of the sports group believed that I was being gaslighted, so the gaslighters (there are 3) stepped up their efforts.

Basically, on Friday night the organizer gave me a very skeptical look, and I knew that there had been another gaslighting attack.  So I avoided him.  He kept trying to catch my eye, and I just couldn't deal with the stress, so I avoided his eyes and looked away.  He got furious at me and left. 

Then he didn't show up for any other sport events this weekend.  Even though he was supposed to organize one of those events.  I sent him an email trying to explain my self abandoning behavior, but I am not sure it will do any good.

I am no longer afraid of being kicked out of the group - I may even leave.  I just feel awful about not being believed.

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Latchkey

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Re: Help! Gaslighting in my social group
« Reply #10 on: April 26, 2017, 02:58:51 PM »
HI nearlynarcfree,
I merged your posts to give the thread continuity.

I'm sorry things continue to escalate. It sounds like you are able to see more clearly what is going on. I It sounds odd what is going on with the organizer and why he might not show up to an event. My guess is there is more to this story than just you. Often those who engage in this type of behavior have been doing this for quite a while and you are not the first victim.

Wishing you peace,
Latchkey
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