Am I seeing this clearly?

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Dinah-sore

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Am I seeing this clearly?
« on: April 25, 2017, 10:48:52 PM »
I have a friend, that I love very much, but she is the boss of the relationship--and me (as the daughter of a BPDm), I am the easygoing doormat. Well, today she was trying to make me feel guilty for not making something that I was involved in, about her. It was awkward, because usually when there is tension, I sense that she is unhappy and my role is to "say the right thing" to make her happy. But today, I couldn't. I was quiet. It was way awkward for me. But I just was like, "I don't know what to say?" But other than that, the conversation was fine. I think it bothered her though that I didn't do what I always do, roll over and show my belly.

So she just texted me, "Is it just me or was there tension on the phone earlier."

I don't know if it was tension, kinda? I mean, she wanted me to feel guilty and then say really nice things to her to make her feel better. I usually do that.

But I wasn't hurting her, or mad. Just awkward.

First of all, I don't know how to answer her text.

But also, am I seeing this correctly---does she perceive me not acting like an adult child of a PD--as tension--because she was tense--because she didn't get her "supply" fed?

I do believe that she is an NPD, just not an intentionally malignant one. And the reason I didn't make the thing that I was involved in about her, is because when I do that I open myself up to her criticisms and evaluations, competition, and false comparisons. I didn't want to worry about that. So I chose not to open myself up to that, and have something for myself that was a bit separate.

Do PD's get confused when you don't play your "role" and do they perceive their frustration as "general tension" --where I perceived it as awkward?

And any thoughts on how to reply?
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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all4peace

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Re: Am I seeing this clearly?
« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2017, 01:23:19 AM »
Are you willing to share any more details that would help us know what the topic and dynamic are?

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clara

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Re: Am I seeing this clearly?
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2017, 12:18:29 PM »
From what you describe, it sounds like your friend routinely tries to make things "all about her" and in this case, because you didn't, she's trying to escalate the situation into a confrontation.  Non-PDs don't do this.  They understand that you have interests and activities that don't involve them and don't need to involve them.  They're willing to give you breathing space.  NPDs, on the other hand, want to control  you.  They get upset and angry when they can't and they don't hesitate to find a way to let you know how they feel, as unreasonable as it is.  In someone without a PD, they may feel hurt, or left out or whatever, but realize they're having unrealistic expectations and let it go.  NPDs don't let anything "go."

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DaisyGirl77

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Re: Am I seeing this clearly?
« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2017, 06:55:39 PM »
So she just texted me, "Is it just me or was there tension on the phone earlier."

First of all, I don't know how to answer her text.

And any thoughts on how to reply?

You can do one of two things:  ignore it, or respond with something like, "I don't know what you mean."
I lived with my dad's uPD mom for 3.5 years.  This is my story:  http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=59780.0  (TW for abuse descriptions.)

"You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm." - Anonymous

NC with uNM since December 2016.  VLC with uPDF.

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Dinah-sore

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Re: Am I seeing this clearly?
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2017, 12:51:50 AM »
Hi! Thank you all for your responses!!! I thought about all your words. I wish I could explain more all4peace, but I couldn't figure out how without giving up my anonymity.

So I did decide to just say that I didn't notice any tension on my part, but I just didn't know what to say to make her feel better. She ended up saying that what really made her upset is that she knew she is usually able to tell me what to do, and I do it. But she felt like she shouldn't in this case, so she was just upset that she didn't get her way, but that it was her fault for not putting more pressure on me before the event.

It blows my mind that she is so up front about how she knows she controls the friendship, and there is a part of her that felt like she was being a good friend by not pressuring me before, but admits that that is why she was trying to make me feel bad.

I do love her and in many ways she is a great friend. I think we were drawn together from the start because of my easygoing nature, I was a fun friend for her. We do have history, but I need to set boundaries and work on changing our roles (at least in my part).

I am not just changing in the relationship with my BPDm, but I see I need to change the way I function in all my relationships.

Thank you for the support.
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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all4peace

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Re: Am I seeing this clearly?
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2017, 01:23:51 AM »
Hi! Thank you all for your responses!!! I thought about all your words. I wish I could explain more all4peace, but I couldn't figure out how without giving up my anonymity.

So I did decide to just say that I didn't notice any tension on my part, but I just didn't know what to say to make her feel better. She ended up saying that what really made her upset is that she knew she is usually able to tell me what to do, and I do it. But she felt like she shouldn't in this case, so she was just upset that she didn't get her way, but that it was her fault for not putting more pressure on me before the event.

It blows my mind that she is so up front about how she knows she controls the friendship, and there is a part of her that felt like she was being a good friend by not pressuring me before, but admits that that is why she was trying to make me feel bad.

I do love her and in many ways she is a great friend. I think we were drawn together from the start because of my easygoing nature, I was a fun friend for her. We do have history, but I need to set boundaries and work on changing our roles (at least in my part).

I am not just changing in the relationship with my BPDm, but I see I need to change the way I function in all my relationships.

Thank you for the support.
Wow! She's certainly able to name her motives! Do you think she has enough honesty to be open to changing her dynamics with you, to improve your friendship?

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Dinah-sore

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Re: Am I seeing this clearly?
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2017, 01:53:06 AM »
I think that she would want to, but that she would slip back to PD behavior at times.

If I were to continue to be consistent with my boundaries and honest about my feelings, speak up for myself, I think she would try.

But I do know that there would be times that she would mess up too, and that is okay, as long as she is trying. Like this weekend she got upset with me because I texted her info instead of calling her. I gave her some info about a phrase our kids were saying, that they didn't know was bad, and she twisted it up to accuse me of being to scared to tell her over the phone and she was really upset. But then she said she wasn't upset and that I was putting words in her mouth. I think it is called DARVO? Defend, accuse, reverse victim and offender? I wasn't even calling her an offender, even though her dd taught my younger dd a bad phrase, I wasn't even upset, just giving her info. Anyways, she accused me of handling the situation wrong and argued with me like intensely. I stood up for myself and it shocked her!!! Then her hubby told her that she was the one who messed up so she called and apologized. That shows me she loves me, she apologized.

So, I see she definitely functions in some controlling NPD ways, but I don't think she is malignant or a lost cause. I just have to understand the nature of our friendship, that she is who she is, and that I need to set boundaries and change ME.

I am trying to figure this out.... do I make sense? LOL
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Am I seeing this clearly?
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2017, 07:33:54 PM »
You might find some ideas in the TOOLBOX on how to go on from here.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.