anxiety over Mother's Day

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daughterofbpd

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anxiety over Mother's Day
« on: April 26, 2017, 08:12:13 PM »
It looks like I am going to be the first to vent about (US) Mother's Day this year. I think I am in a good place with my healing but wow, all those Mother's Day cards, commercials, and messages (on social media) are triggering. It all just feels like too much pressure.

BPDm is under the illusion that she's been a great mom, always there for me and my biggest fan.  Everything she’s ever said and done is “out of love.” She really believes this. I'm sure many of you can relate. I don't really want or need to hurt her by telling her the truth but I also need to honor my feelings and be true to myself.  So I purchase a funny or simple card. I try to grab one that looks suitable at random because those "best mom ever" cards always make me feel sick to my stomach. I already read a couple by accident this year. I can feel my anxiety ramping up lately and I'm wondering if this is why. Am I jealous? Still bitter that I can’t rely on her? Or is it just all the pressure from society? I hate being told how I am supposed to feel.

My sis just texted me about M day plans and I instantly got a splitting headache. I think because I feel pressured to make plans that Sis, M & DH can all be happy with – it’s not easy to please 3 people. I try to ask myself what I truly want and for a moment I think that I want the path of least resistance, whichever choice is bound to piss off the least amount of people, therefore causing me the least amount of stress. Then, I realize that this option pleases me the least, as what I really want is to spend the day with my daughter and husband at the beach. I suggested to Sis that we do something a different day or split our efforts this year. I think that seems reasonable. I’m still feeling anxious about it.

In my mind, doing nothing for my M is like a big slap in her face. I’m sure she’d take it that way. Instead, I try to do something small that requires minimal effort and I play along with her idea of me, that I’m just not good at saying “I love you” or expressing my feelings. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck between being hurtful and lying – like if she says “I love you” then I choke out “I love you too” because a little white lie seems easier than telling her a very hurtful truth. If I can, I try to keep statements truthful while remaining empathetic, but it’s not always easy. Of course, I get cornered into giving compliments or saying I’d like to do something that I wouldn’t sometimes – because how can you say “No, I don’t want to spend time with you alone” without being hurtful? So I say yes but then never do it.

M has been love bombing lately and I feel like she’s just building her case of what a loving and supportive mother she is. Sometimes I feel like I’m playing along with a conspiracy and nobody knows the truth but me. It gets old.

Thanks for “listening.” Let the Mother’s Day venting commence!
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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biggerfish

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2017, 08:39:02 PM »
BPDm is under the illusion that she's been a great mom, always there for me and my biggest fan.  Everything she’s ever said and done is “out of love.”
Oy vay, yes. Can you see me rolling my eyeballs? LOL. Mine seems to think the fact that she "loves" me means everything she ever did was okay. It's an oversimplification to think that people who abuse their kids are people who hate their kids. But it's typical of my uPDm to think in black and white. We've been NC for 3 years, and recently she mailed me a birthday card that said, "I love you...so deal with it!" Dang, that triggers me just thinking about it.

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NotLost

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2017, 09:00:42 PM »
 I can never come out good on Mother's Day, GCsemiN sibling always wins the competition with a flourish of BS because I don't compete. Most fuss and $ spent is the winner. I'm certain my Mother's Day slouching is discussed at the BBQ or whatever they do.

 More time to spend physically or mentally with my own children.
Not all who wander are lost  - J. R. R. Tolkien

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Amadahy

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2017, 10:57:08 PM »
This is funny-sad, but since I have resumed contact and check on N mom via phone daily, GC sis feels guilted into "doing" the holidays.  Have at it!  LOL.  I'll do a token card and small gift Sat, but will have Mother's Day to mother myself a bit.  This feeds into mom's view that I'm not very warm or demonstrative (I hear you daughterofbpd) and that's ok w me.  I hope you and all here can have a peaceful good day that day.  ❤️
Ring the bells that still can ring;
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There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

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wisingup

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2017, 12:47:20 AM »
My goodness I hate this holiday.  I have been a mother myself for 20 years now, but I take no joy in the day.  Mom is like a little kid, waiting around to see what fuss will be made over her, then letting the guilt fly if it is not enough.  That's all over now.  She's getting a card in the mail that will cover her birthday and mother's day & I'm running a half marathon & having dinner with my FOC.   

I expect and demand NOTHING from this day.  But guess what - I sometimes get beautiful hand made cards from my 2 D's, which I treasure. 

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all4peace

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2017, 12:55:58 AM »
This doesn't sound like jealousy at all to me. I can say that my own discomfort in situations like this is pure cognitive dissonance--the gap between how things look and how they actually are. I hate being dishonest, and I hate being unkind, so what on earth do we do for mother's day cards for women who haven't actually been amazing mothers?!
« Last Edit: April 27, 2017, 01:00:54 AM by all4peace »

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Sojourner17

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2017, 12:38:19 PM »
I am right with you all on this one.  I remember liking giving my mother handmade things on mothers day when i was little but as i grew older it felt as if she felt entitled to get something and to be spoiled on that day.  It hasnt sat right with me for a few years now and for the past few mothers days (of which i am now a mother myself) I have only called and given a card.  I cant stand the sappy mothers days cards so i find the least innocuous of them and will try to include a short personal note of thanks for something she has done recently.  I dont know what i will do this year as i am currently not in contact with my family, even contact by text...they were blocked a week ago.  I will probably mail her a card and maybe include a bottle of "Stress Away" essential oil...at least thats what I was thinking of doing before things hit the fan again a week ago.

The hard part is...Mothers day also falls close to moms birthday.  Its a running "joke" in my FOO that i am notoriously bad at remembering birthdays and anniversaries and for most of my adult years its been a "competition" with my sisters to see who acknowledges them first...i lose every time and my middle sister relishes in that.  I even forgot my parents 40th anniversary 2 years ago and beat myself up for weeks afterward.  Ironically i have NEVER forgot mothers day or my moms birthday...i wonder why  :wacko:





"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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bopper

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2017, 12:52:49 PM »
As you get older, the emphasis should be on you/your children and not as much about your mother.

Say to yourself:  I am a mother too!

You can decide to include them or not in YOUR plans.

"DH and DD have planned at outing for me on Mother's Day.  Maybe we can get together on Memorial Day/in June?" or

"We are planning at outing to the beach. You are welcome to join us if you like."

You can set boundaries.  Why should you be miserable? Your mother has had her turn.  Do what you want.
So she gets upset?  Then you say "Are you saying I can't spend time with my daughter on Mother's day?"
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Liketheducks

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2017, 06:18:20 PM »
I'm right there.  All these Mother's Day ads, I keep switching off devices that have them right now.  Just flicking that switch helps a little bit.   I've been cut off from my PD Mom since Christmas.    I offered her another place to live after living in my home proved to be way too much for me and my FOO.  She cut us off, moved in with my brother and told everyone that I've made her homeless. 
Communication for the move out has been via text as I think she's blocked me from her phone.  She doesn't pick up - EVER, when I call.    This has been minimal, to discuss moving details or thank your for gifts to my son.   
I was thinking of finding a suitably generic, thinking of you version of a mother's day card and mailing it to her at my bros house.   But, certainly not World's Best Mom stuff.  And, only to make me feel as though I've honored her in a way that feels safe for me.   I have no expectations beyond that. 
Life is so much better for FOC and myself with this choice!   Hang in there.   
« Last Edit: April 27, 2017, 06:20:55 PM by Liketheducks »

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WinterTrees

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2017, 09:02:10 PM »
Just want you to know that you're not alone in your anxiety as mother's day approaches. I've really started to hate this holiday (and father's day) so much in the past few years. It's not even a real holiday! It's just a hallmark holiday...or for our generation, a Facebook holiday. I also don't like feeling the societal pressure and guilt to celebrate mom, and I certainly don't resonate with any card I come across.

This year will be especially hard as I initiated very low contact with my uAVPD mom, and NC with my uNf just this week. I wont be acknowledging either holiday, as it would feel disingenuous on my part. I've recently told them both how much they have hurt me, and so I don't plan on sending a card that says "Thanks for being my mom!!" That would send a mixed message and I'm not about that.

Best of luck to you. Holidays are so hard. You're not alone!

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biggerfish

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2017, 09:23:00 PM »
I loved reading everyone's perspective on this. And there are as many right ways to handle it as there are disordered families.

As for me, I'm sending a bland card this year. I'm doing it because I feeeeel like it lol and because I no longer give cr*p if I'm sending a mixed message. It's about me and what I want. Selfish to the end...Yup...that's me.  ;D

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smarty

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2017, 04:10:43 PM »
IF i remember,which isnt hard with social media,adverts etc reminding you every two seconds...i quickly send an e-card, not a cute lovey dovey one either...one with just happy mothers day,and on inside simply signing from 'my name'....if that doesnt let her know(maybe bit passive aggressively,but i like to see it as a continuation of medium chill) how i couldnt care less or be bothered more than that to wish her happy mothers day then i dont know what could....She probably just tells herself a lie,like that im too busy,or forgot(as usual),or dont care about the holiday,or that od course im just a terrible daughter obviosuly,SG smarty at it again!
this year i may just not even send the e-card even! for the first time i just dont feel the obligation whatsoever...it feels great.
I expect i will receive a mothers day card though, the sappiest most pink and glittered hallmark in existence most likely...cant wait :tongue2:

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raindrop

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #12 on: April 29, 2017, 08:11:08 AM »
Ours is coming in may... I really don't want to go... She wants everyone to go kayaking haha in the one spot she wants to go because it reminds her of when we were little. I've just reopened all the old wounds and anxiety through the roof ... Don't know how to handle it. Not coming to mothers day means a massive blow out I bet.
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"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
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Seichan

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #13 on: April 29, 2017, 09:54:04 AM »
daughterofbpd, I recommend you spend the day with your daughter and husband at the beach.

A big slap to M's face sounds just the ticket, too -- and even better that you can do that simply by not buying her a card.

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Orangecounty

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #14 on: May 06, 2017, 12:35:09 AM »
I could have written your post! I can really sympathize. I usually opt for going for brunch with my mom. Although my mom suffers from BPD as well so ever "get together" or holiday, she tries to stretch out so we're spending the whole day with her. It almost feels like a test. So I asked her when she wanted to go for Mother's Day, and she said she wanted to drive an hour and a half away outside the city to have a picnic. And my husband was wondering why I don't usually ask her what she wants to do for Mother's Day,lol Oh geez. It's hard isn't it? I could totally relate when you mention choosing a card. They're ALL so gushy and it's difficult when none of the things written really describe your mom. It's always so hard finding one that's simple and basically wishes her a good day but I'm usually able to find one. But that in itself makes me sad. But remember that there's no pleasing these people. No matter what you do or don't do, they find something to be upset about.

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DustyMemories

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #15 on: May 06, 2017, 01:18:27 AM »
daughterofbpd, I recommend you spend the day with your daughter and husband at the beach.

Exactly what I was going to suggest, daughterofbpd. You're a mother too.

I recognise the Mother's Day card dilemma all too well. I struggle to find one I can read without gagging. Eventually I stopped trying and went straight for the blank cards. Postcards in more recent years, as I had the useful excuse of being an impoverished student. I've written more bland messages in large print than I can count.

This year I am seriously considering not sending one at all. The only reason I do is because she guilted me into it. One year some time ago when I was still deep in the FOG, I didn't send one. She called me out on it and said, in a small pitiful voice, "I wrote it down in my diary." I resolved never to disappoint her again.

To send or not to send - aaaaghh! Pros: It makes her happy and even though it causes me a small amount of anguish, it's only once a year. Cons: It does cause me anguish, I'm annoyed that it feels like an obligation, the only reason I do it is because she manipulated me into it, and I feel yucky and conflicted about lying in order to mollycoddle her fragile feelings.
« Last Edit: May 06, 2017, 01:20:23 AM by DustyMemories »

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smarty

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #16 on: May 06, 2017, 05:47:47 AM »
im just going to add.....on mothers day i send nothing to her,or at most an e-card(free) now...and i send a card,even flowers and chocolates sometimes, to my surrogate mothers.
If you are lucky enough to have any surrogate mothers(or fathers) in your life you may want to consider honouring them on this holiday. Or I dunno, a friend who is a mom, or a sister,aunt...whomever is a mom that you admire in some way. For me this balances out the negative feelings I have surrounding this holiday...step closer to healing and feeling more positive :)

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stasia

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #17 on: May 06, 2017, 12:51:11 PM »
Yeah, I'm struggling too with what to do about Mother's Day. I can't stand all the flowery cards in the store so the past couple of years I've "made" one (usually just printing out some pretty image I found online, I am a graphic designer so that is easy for me) and sent her some food. I guess I'll do the same thing this year. She doesn't need more stuff, and does not want to be taken out, so that's good at least.

It just feels so fake to me this year to conform to the Mother's Day expectations. Meanwhile, Mother's Day is super triggering for Boyfriend because his M, who was not PD, died many years ago and he still misses her so much. So yeah, just a great day all around in our house.

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Tamzen

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #18 on: May 06, 2017, 07:22:27 PM »
Thank you for starting the official "this day sucks" post! I HATE Mother's Day. All the stupid ads and then how people on social media get. Ugh. Though it helps me to remember that some of them are in the same boat we're in, and they're posting all that stuff to placate their mothers. I'll still avoid as much of all of it as I can, though.

I live very far away from my BPD mother, so there will be a phone call and I'll send a small gift and that's that. I don't feel as dishonest as I used to. Now I see this as managing her disorder so it doesn't harm me more than it has. And this year my emotional state around it seems mainly anger and some grief. So that's healthy.  :D

I hope everyone here gets some comfort and love and care on Mother's Day. And, ugh, I'm sorry we all have to go through this.

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bohemian butterfly

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #19 on: May 08, 2017, 02:26:34 PM »
Yes, thank you for starting this thread.  Since this is new to me (LC) I think that I will still send a card and send her a "Happy Mother's Day" text, but that's about it.  Enough so that she can't accuse me of not doing anything.  I guess I'm still worried about looking like the bad guy (to family members) and I know that eventually I'm going to have to get over it.  Baby steps, right?