anxiety over Mother's Day

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BunnyLover

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #20 on: May 08, 2017, 03:11:43 PM »
My Mom has passed on, but I still stress out about the PDwaif MIL. Husband is adamant that he's sending no card at all (he was the scapegoat/forgotten child.)  His mother so his choice, but then when his Mom calls and asks to speak to me so she can lecture ME for not forcing him to send a card to her, and he just hands me the phone? I am planning on running away like my butt's on fire  - I am NOT getting stuck on the phone with her Royal Waifiness again -  his Mother, HIS problem.  :ninja:

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MLR

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #21 on: May 08, 2017, 03:44:41 PM »
When he tries to hand you the phone, look at him like he has three heads and walk away.  It's sort if an automatic reaction to take something if someone wants to hand something off to you.   Keep that in mind when his mother calls and inhibit that reaction.  Put your hands behind your back if you have to!

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daughterofbpd

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #22 on: May 08, 2017, 04:46:58 PM »
Thanks, everyone for sharing your thoughts and stories.

Aww Raindrop, I guess you got out of Mother's Day plans after all, based on your other posts. I hope you can do something kind for yourself that day. You really deserve it.

BunnyLover, seriously not your problem! Just make up something you have to run off and do really fast, like answering the door or someone (kids/ neighbor/ dog) is calling you.

I'm so glad we have this forum for support, especially this time of year.  :bighug:
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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AmericanWoman

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #23 on: May 08, 2017, 09:48:45 PM »
Cards are very difficult:  "Mom, thank you for freaking up my life by smothering me one minute then hating me the next - I've made a stable adult thanks to you, all my love"  :blink:

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TakingFlight

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #24 on: May 08, 2017, 10:13:13 PM »
ugh...i am having anxiety over mothers' day this year too. I've been NC for the last few years so won't be acknowledging it in any way, but no doubt will get guilt trips from flying monkeys and ND about how much "hurt" I'm causing my "poor, dear mother"

It's also hard seeing all the reminders everywhere about mothers day, it's painful enough having a NM without being reminded of what mothers are supposed to be, I guess there is still residual feelings in me from childhood, that there must be something wrong with me that caused her to be like that. Rationally I know it wasn't me at all, but those childhood feelings are hard to shift.

I'll be glad when it's all over. Also my therapist is away for a couple of weeks which is always difficult.

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DustyMemories

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #25 on: May 08, 2017, 11:12:33 PM »
Cards are very difficult:  "Mom, thank you for freaking up my life by smothering me one minute then hating me the next - I've made a stable adult thanks to you, all my love"  :blink:

Oh man. My mother was a bit like that. Ridiculously overprotective one moment, ignoring me for weeks the next. There is no appropriate card for that.

it's painful enough having a NM without being reminded of what mothers are supposed to be, I guess there is still residual feelings in me from childhood, that there must be something wrong with me that caused her to be like that. Rationally I know it wasn't me at all, but those childhood feelings are hard to shift.

I have this exact same problem. I had an epiphany in my early 30s and realised on a rational level that it really wasn't my fault, and that there wasn't anything wrong with me at all, but I still have residual emotional reactions as if it was.

Yeah, and I have the flying monkeys too. My father will ask me if I sent a card and will be very disappointed if I haven't. Who knows why he cares. He's perfectly aware of what she's like. He left her over two decades ago and, with the exception of a passing meeting or two, hasn't had anything to do with her since.

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Eggshell Walker

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #26 on: May 08, 2017, 11:33:50 PM »
I have been NC for almost 2 years but still the GUILT is eating at me - the Mother's Day CARD! How can a Hallmark made-up 'holiday' cause so much anxiety and worry and guilt?
Even the car radio was blaring ads  'what will you be getting your mother for mother's day? You have only 6 days left to decide!'

If I do send the obligatory card, what will uNPDm read into that and if I don't send the obligatory card, Ef will be the first to chastise me. I am almost 60 years old! Enough already!

Since my uNPDm blackened my name out  on her 'next-of-kin' to be notified in case of her death form, I feel less and less connection to her. I guess I am still hoping for her to come
around, admit what she's done and possibly apologize, just once, for her hurtful behavior. 

To all the moms out there - enjoy YOUR day!    :boogie:
** Don't say you miss me when you're the reason I'm gone. **

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Crochet Addict

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #27 on: May 09, 2017, 01:10:55 PM »
I, too, dread Mother's Day. It has the equal awkwardness of falling close to my PDMom's birthday, so we celebrate both occasions at once. It wasn't as bad when my grandmother was alive, but now, since it's conveniently close to the day my father died, April and May are months to basically avoid PDMom at all costs because nothing I say or do is the right thing. And Mother's Day is triggering for me- when I was a child I used to make her presents or write her poems or thank you letters, and then inevitably, she'd get mad about something and throw my gifts back at me, usually while screaming at me to shove them up my ass. But heaven forbid if I threw them away, because then I ruined her present. One Mother's Day when I was a teen, she and I were walking up the sidewalk to our house after church and we both tripped over a bit of uneven pavement. I was carrying my violin case (I was in the church orchestra), and I kind of picked safety of instrument over safety of Mom. She accused me of tripping her on purpose and my Dad got so enraged he slapped me hard enough to leave his handprint on my face and break my glasses.
Since I've become a mother, I usually just do something fun with my son on Mother's Day and think about how lucky I am to have him. But this year my brother is hosting Mother's Day at his house, and since we're fairly close, I'm going. I have a feeling I'll hate myself afterwards, but he's having it late enough in the day that I can easily bug out if things go south, since I can use my son's bed time as an excuse. I always have a back up plan. I hate that I have to do that.
Always question authority. Control my own destiny. Forcing change, breaking free from the wheels of the machine. Changing my world so I can live- execution: powershift. -Burton C. Bell of Fear Factory

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blacksheep7

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #28 on: May 09, 2017, 01:34:10 PM »
Mother's Day..........Yuk, never liked it as far as I can remember. I also hated Father's Day!  :aaauuugh:


I had to go through so many cards to find just the right one without the over the top declarations of love.  Simple kind, have a nice day type. ;D

Quote: The hard part is...Mothers day also falls close to moms birthday. 
 
Me too but I also have a dear niece that celebrates her birthday the same day as her gmother, my mother.  My sister has always celebrated both together and it breaks my heart, I will not be there for my niece. I am nc with mother but sometimes I do go to certain celebrations, like baby showers etc. even  if mother is there but a birthday requires a present and I can not attend with just one in hand.   I have a mother that won't put up a fuss in front of other people.  I think she is afraid of me.  She knows I speak my mind so she remains cordial.

My niece knows the story, is a bright young woman  and understands my situation.  I will celebrate her another day.
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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KeepingMyBlue

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #29 on: May 09, 2017, 06:11:23 PM »
Yeah, my usual radio station has little kids with 👶 my mommy is the best mommy because she makes me hot dogs

I don't know what they say after that, I always always switch the station.

I was so tempted to send enough Edible Arrangements to put her in the hospital over her allergies, but sent generic flowers instead. I had to hold my nose to do that. And DH says I really don't have to if I feel that way... One day I'll agree, but I still have a sliver of hope...or FOG, we'll see.

Blue

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miss_summertime

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #30 on: May 09, 2017, 07:37:13 PM »
I don't know if this will help at all or not but I grew up with a mother who has BPD and I developed it as well. My childhood was so full of chaos and my parent's relationship was so dysfunctional. Since my recent diagnoses after having my daughter, I got busy with finding out all there was to know about BPD. In my findings, I came to realize that my mom contributed to me being the way I am today. There were a few weeks where I just couldn't seem to shake this angry feeling that I had towards her. It was almost like I loved her but disliked her at the same time. (It's worse when you split like I do). Then it hit me! My mom is never going to change. I need to either accept her as she is or cut her out of my life and I could not imagine a life without her. Even if she was never at my basketball games, even if she left my ultrasound early to go smoke a cigarette and decided not to go in the room with me when I had my daughter, even if she cheated on my father and completely broke my trust. and yelled at me every other night in a drunken rage I know what she has a illness and I feel sympathy for her. It's really hard to carry so much pain and not know how to release it and let it go. It really is not easy having a personality disorder. It's a struggle every day.

So once I realized that I either had to cut her out or accept her for the way she is, the answer was clear. I was going to accept her, flaws and all because cutting her out would have left a big hole in my heart and I couldn't live with having a grudge against her over the past, staying in limbo with her. Now when she says things that annoy or bother me I just let it go. She can have a opinion but it doesn't make it right or true. Her judgements can no longer get to me and in fact, I giggle inside now when she tells me how I need to stop behaviors that I saw my whole life growing up from the way she reacted to things. "Ummm hello, I learned it from somewhere mom." *cough*  :unsure:

I would also like to say that her illness didn't give her the right to react the way she did. I am a mom now and I am doing everything in my power to avoid having my daughter grow up in the chaos I did.

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KeepingMyBlue

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #31 on: May 09, 2017, 08:52:56 PM »
God bless you Summertime! All we can really do now is to be the kind of mom we needed back then, and that is exactly what you are doing. Keep it up!

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UKannie

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #32 on: May 09, 2017, 09:22:18 PM »
I don't know if this will help at all or not but I grew up with a mother who has BPD and I developed it as well. My childhood was so full of chaos and my parent's relationship was so dysfunctional. Since my recent diagnoses after having my daughter, I got busy with finding out all there was to know about BPD.
I think that's a massively brave thing to admit to and your daughter is lucky to have such a self-aware mother. I have had to work on my own tendencies to behave in a very disordered way and I had/still have a strong gut feeling that having a child would bring out the worst in me and make me miserable (sorry to be blunt!) For others the opposite can be true and I completely respect that!

I find Mothers Day hard because I feel that if I'd been brought up in a functional family, I would have met a functional partner when I was young (ish) and had a marriage, career, family... the lot. But I feel I have had to be honest with myself and my own limitations. At 44 I have a career and a partner and that feels like a major triumph. There is no truly authentic part of me that wants to 'beat the odds' and have a baby. I deal with mental health struggles almost every day. For me having a child would be like someone with a smashed kneecap taking up pole vaulting. (To take the metaphor further I think the vaulting would aggrevate the injury rather than heal it).

What I try to do on Mothers Day is meet my own standards of being a decent human being. I would not be alive if it wasn't for my parents and I try to honour that. It's a pragmatic approach. I have to square my own existence with the belief that my mother should not have had children!  The other thing I do - year round - is try to support mothers that I work with and be their ally. There are lots of ways of showing appreciation of motherhood and I think Mothers Day kind of undermines that  - a lot of the sentimentality leave me cold :flat:

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hikerbiker

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #33 on: May 10, 2017, 04:22:17 PM »
What resonated with me most was where you said "Sometimes I feel like I am stuck between being hurtful and lying." This is such a battle for me! I still don't know quite how to approach this issue. I wrestle with two arguments in my head about this: 1) Why should I even do you the courtesy of lying to you? Just so I can tell you what you want to hear? Its almost as if I feel she doesn't deserve for me to lie to her...seems strange now that I am reading this "reasoning"   2)  My moral compass says be honest but to be honest to be "verbally abusive" as my mother would put it  :wacko:
It's like the only other option is to not say anything at all....and ignore her...which is what I do most of the time. She is the one with the illness so I shouldn't be feeling responsible or guilty but gosh darnit I do sometimes! I get my undies in a wad over what the right thing to say is but at the end of the day it really doesn't effect her at all even if she pretends it does.

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stasia

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #34 on: May 10, 2017, 05:10:10 PM »
What resonated with me most was where you said "Sometimes I feel like I am stuck between being hurtful and lying." This is such a battle for me! I still don't know quite how to approach this issue.

Yes! I feel this way too. I hate being dishonest, but to be honest with M feels deliberately hurtful and rude. And, well, I find both to be totally exhausting. As are most dealings with M, if I'm going to be totally honest. :/


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jennsc85

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #35 on: May 10, 2017, 10:30:08 PM »

Instead, I try to do something small that requires minimal effort and I play along with her idea of me, that I’m just not good at saying “I love you” or expressing my feelings. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck between being hurtful and lying – like if she says “I love you” then I choke out “I love you too” because a little white lie seems easier than telling her a very hurtful truth. If I can, I try to keep statements truthful while remaining empathetic, but it’s not always easy. Of course, I get cornered into giving compliments or saying I’d like to do something that I wouldn’t sometimes – because how can you say “No, I don’t want to spend time with you alone” without being hurtful? So I say yes but then never do it.


This is how I've felt for most of my teenage/adult life. It's actually refreshing that I know someone else feels the same way although I hate that you struggle with those feelings too. When I visit my mother she's ask me to hug her and I just don't want to. But it's easier to cringe and hug her than it is to say "I don't want to." She tells me she loves me and I'll try not to reply, but then she repeats it louder and I think, well do I want to get into a tearful(on her end) discussion about why I don't love her? Isn't easier to just say "I love you too?" I've told her before, in my adulthood, that I hate her. I've told her she's a miserable person and I can't stand her. I've meant that when I said it, but I guess she just assumes that I don't mean it or that it was just in the heat of the moment? I don't know. She does stuff like that, maybe she thinks we're similar.

Anyways. I am dreading Mother's Day. My mother expects a huge fuss over her on MD. I remember when I was 15 I bought her plants and she got upset because they were the wrong ones. This year, I don't even feel like trying. I don't want to get her flowers that inevitably won't be the right type. I don't want to get her a cake that she doesn't really want, but DOES want because she likes to feel special. I don't want to spend $80 on her favorite perfume. She sent me a list of things that she wants. I think that's so ridiculous. I would never expect anything from my children on MD. If they want to get me something, great. But I would never expect to be the focus of their world and ask them to drop everything and make me feel like a queen. Geeesh. It's so hard sometimes. I get really sad around MD too because I want to have the type of mother that I gush over and really truly love and appreciate, but that is so far from what I have.

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SpunHead13

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #36 on: May 11, 2017, 01:09:24 AM »
I too hate mothers days. And this year I had almost forgotten about it too until a friend mentioned it in regards to their own mom.

I sent her a generic card, and in it, I wished for her to be happy and wrote "love" before my name. Because even though she hurts me, I do still love her.  But I plan to continue LC. On the day, she will get a phone call, during which, I will stay MC. Then back to NC

I fear this is the minimum I can do without causing a backlash, both in regards to her freaking out at me, or showing up at my house uninvited, or getting a barrage of phone calls and emails from her. And to prevent her using my brother and father as flying monkeys.

It's always darkest before the dawn
-Florence Welch

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SaltwareS

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #37 on: May 11, 2017, 01:41:02 AM »
My goodness I hate this holiday.  I have been a mother myself for 20 years now, but I take no joy in the day.  Mom is like a little kid, waiting around to see what fuss will be made over her, then letting the guilt fly if it is not enough.  That's all over now.  She's getting a card in the mail that will cover her birthday and mother's day & I'm running a half marathon & having dinner with my FOC.   

I expect and demand NOTHING from this day.  But guess what - I sometimes get beautiful hand made cards from my 2 D's, which I treasure.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I didn't think I'd get the chance to become a mother but in my late 30's my life was coming together and as I was turning towards this goal, my mother acted out, excluded me from family events like she'd never done before, and basically used up my final child-bearing years with confusion and escalated chaos.

To make matters worse, my aunt (father's sister) and a few friends implied I had been lazy in taking too long, re: finding a husband and admonished me to get on it. Not the case, and I had to use up more of my own time and energy explaining I was estranged from my mother (and father) because they'd created choas in my life and used up my last chance to become a mother with their confusing antics.

All this as the almighty facebook comes on the scene and I see image after image of my classmates posting pictures of their last-minute children they were allowed to have. I finally told a few friends I was blocking them from facebook, we have an email-only relationship because re-routing our communiques through facebook forced me to go on there and read everyone's brag-posts; it was a bit much for me given what I'd just been through. I was amazed I had to explain all of this to one friend, but I think once people have kids they turn inward in just surviving this new way of life (and I can understand that.)

I hate this holiday. I now hold my nose and wish my mother a happy day. I don't hate my mother anymore, hating her was hurting me more than it was hurting her and was using up my energy. But this holiday and the soaring egos of (some) people who become mothers still astounds me. Apparently when my mother's third child and only daughter was born, her ego just shot up so high and the thought of that adult child going on to have her own kids made her so angry she was willing to do anything to stop it.

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Seichan

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #38 on: May 11, 2017, 07:40:33 AM »
So once I realized that I either had to cut her out or accept her for the way she is, the answer was clear. I was going to accept her, flaws and all because cutting her out would have left a big hole in my heart and I couldn't live with having a grudge against her over the past, staying in limbo with her. Now when she says things that annoy or bother me I just let it go. She can have a opinion but it doesn't make it right or true. Her judgements can no longer get to me

This is so good. I wish I'd been in a position to make the same decision.

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bohemian butterfly

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #39 on: May 11, 2017, 03:30:31 PM »
I too hate mothers days. And this year I had almost forgotten about it too until a friend mentioned it in regards to their own mom.

I sent her a generic card, and in it, I wished for her to be happy and wrote "love" before my name. Because even though she hurts me, I do still love her.  But I plan to continue LC. On the day, she will get a phone call, during which, I will stay MC. Then back to NC

I fear this is the minimum I can do without causing a backlash, both in regards to her freaking out at me, or showing up at my house uninvited, or getting a barrage of phone calls and emails from her. And to prevent her using my brother and father as flying monkeys.

I could have written your post.  Same here.  Generic card.  I wrote "Happy Mother's Day, I hope it's a good one!  Love, BB" (I couldn't write "I love you!"  I just couldn't)   I will also send her a text.  I'm new to low contact, so this feels safest for me right now.