anxiety over Mother's Day

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daughterofbpd

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #40 on: May 11, 2017, 03:57:11 PM »
So once I realized that I either had to cut her out or accept her for the way she is, the answer was clear. I was going to accept her, flaws and all because cutting her out would have left a big hole in my heart and I couldn't live with having a grudge against her over the past, staying in limbo with her. Now when she says things that annoy or bother me I just let it go. She can have a opinion but it doesn't make it right or true. Her judgements can no longer get to me

This is so good. I wish I'd been in a position to make the same decision.
I like this idea but isn't it difficult to separate the way a person acts with who they are as a person? I think I accept my mother now but I don't really like her. I can't change that, it's just the way I feel. Sometimes I think it would be more humane to just go NC (like breaking up with someone you aren't that into) but it isn't that simple...she would never accept NC willingly, she wouldn't get to see her grandchild (which is all she really cares about anyway), I'd be isolating myself from other family, etc. It is a great idea in theory, just not always so easy...
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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biggerfish

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #41 on: May 11, 2017, 04:38:53 PM »

So once I realized that I either had to cut her out or accept her for the way she is, the answer was clear. I was going to accept her, flaws and all because cutting her out would have left a big hole in my heart 
This was helpful for me to read, precisely because my experience is different than that--when I cut my uPDm out of my life, there was no hole left in my heart. It's comforting to realize this.

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Rubytown

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #42 on: May 12, 2017, 06:24:52 PM »
Everything you all wrote resounds with me. Very helpful to read these posts.

I am a mother, too. (Grew up with divorced uNPD parents) Just to make sure Mother's Day is extra tainted in our house, my uNPD husband's birthday is May 15. So his birthday always falls right around Mother's Day, with associated drama, guilt, etc.

This year I found a couple crafts on amazon for the kids to make for him, keychains and cards. It made me happy in my mother's heart to know they will be creating those gifts on Mother's Day, enjoying themselves and feeling good about making their own gifts! :-)

For my uBNPD mom, I have collected a few items I don't really need around the house and will make a homemade gift basket with them. Her gifts to others are always stuff she was going to throw away anyway, and very obviously so. I rarely do cards, too triggering like everyone said.

Probably not healthy for me to imitate her terrible gift giving, but it works for me and keeps things low drama, VLC. I find LC works better for me because less drama with family, friends, all around. Just lots of medium chill.

Ruby
« Last Edit: May 12, 2017, 06:27:14 PM by Rubytown »
Ellis Boy 'Red' Redding: "Hope is a dangerous thing my friend, it can kill a man..."
Andy Dufresne: [in letter to Red] "Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
-The Shawshank Redemption

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Cactus Flower

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #43 on: May 12, 2017, 06:56:17 PM »
I made a handmade card for sweet mil, whose only sin is aging well.  I love how it turned out.  My Nmom will get nothing since I have been nc for almost a year, but as always, she is in my thoughts.  I earnestly pray she can be happy but I'm finished waiting for her to change, love me, etc.  I plan on making little cards or letters for my 3 kids about how much I love them and give it to them on Mother's Day.  Honestly could care less what fuss is made over me on that day.  Each day of life with my FOC and friends is enough.
« Last Edit: May 12, 2017, 06:57:55 PM by Cactus Flower »

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NotLost

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #44 on: May 12, 2017, 07:42:29 PM »
 My situation has changed. I have gone NC (1st and only time intended). It has only been a short time.

 No intent to acknowledge the day, except with my FOC. Pretty sure the "nothing" will be their first realization that I am done.

 FM's are already circling so I intend to get out of dodge and spend time outdoors.

 It feels a bit like I would imagine sending the guilty to the gallows would feel. Living an entire life of judgment and revocations with no finality in sight, yet I am the hangman making that final judgment/decision that can never be revoked.

 Feeling relief and stress simultaneously feels...weird.

 I find this place so comforting and helpful in making the biggest change to my life. Thank you to all of you. Your honesty has been a true gift.
Not all who wander are lost  - J. R. R. Tolkien

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raindrop

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #45 on: May 12, 2017, 08:42:32 PM »
Same here notlost. Actually my M told me she didn't want to see me on mothers day and is now claiming to have no idea why I've broken contract with her.
But yeah I really hear you on the weird mixture of feelings. It's encouraging to know I'm not just bonkers!
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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Sojourner17

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Re: anxiety over Mother's Day
« Reply #46 on: May 12, 2017, 08:58:57 PM »
Its been so helpful reading all of your posts.  Today was a hard day.  I realized that today would be the last day i would be able to mail a card before Mother's day/ mom's birthday (it would get to her after MD but before BD if i sent it today) so I tried to look for one while i was out running errands.   Big mistake.  I decided while there to  not even attempt a mothers day card so went straight to the birthday card section.  The cards dedicated to mothers were too much...so i moved on to a more generic birthday card for a woman.  I found a few that had a nice message but even then...it was too much.  All about having a great day full of great things, or a great day wishing for a great year.  I felt like if i sent it all it would be seen as would be as a slap in the face.  I also felt like it would be fake or a lie.  I do want my mom to be happy and have a good year but it felt off to send a card saying so right now.  So, no card.

Its been almost 4 weeks NC their numbers blocked but occasionally i get a voicemail, usually with nothing said on the other end. Today was another voicemail.  It was of a small child  upset and screaming. (the phone was muffled and then it was like she screamed into the phone, then it was muffled again and then the message cut off.  Im assuming it was my 2 year old niece who dialed my sisters phone.  Honestly, it sounded like someone called my phone just to let me hear my niece screaming...but maybe thats just negative thoughts getting the better of me though.  It was anxiety producing and upsetting.   I let my husband hear it first...he was disgusted and said, why would you call and let a child scream like that and then not say anything and just hang up?

Going into this weekend is rough.  I just want to crawl into my bed and have a good cry.  But, my children need me and my husband needs me so I write this post, will say a little prayer, drink a glass of wine and then turn my thoughts to what i can be grateful and thankful for...even though i feel like im just limping along.
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery