Flying Monkey #3

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Afterthefox

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Flying Monkey #3
« on: April 27, 2017, 01:02:22 PM »
I have just received an email from my BPD father's secretary which comes a week after I questioned the sincerity of her invitation to attend an event with my father. She advises me to be in touch with my father "now that he has invited you to the event". She says that I was purposely on the invitation list, and that the invitation was not a mistake. However, he ignored three previous emails from me eight months ago and silent treatment has ensued ever since.

As always, I am confused by this correspondence.

Why am I invited to the event when he expresses no other interest in being in touch?
Why is it I who is being prompted to be in touch when the ball is clearly in his court?
Why should communication be via a third party?

I am aware that his secretary acts as his flying monkey, and that her recent correspondence is almost certainly at my father's request.
But I do also wonder whether she is genuinely trying to assist us to reconcile.
Should all attempts at reconciliation by a third party be seen as 'bait' and ignored?

Any advice would be much appreciated.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2017, 01:58:52 PM by Afterthefox »
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bopper

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2017, 01:33:33 PM »
Perhaps the questions should be:

Why are you considering attending an event when he expresses no other interest in being in touch?
Why are you in touch when the ball is clearly in his court?
Why are you communicating  via a third party?

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Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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MLR

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2017, 02:00:55 PM »
He wants you there so he will look good to everyone attending the event.

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Afterthefox

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2017, 02:07:24 PM »
MLR, I think you nailed it.

Ignore the email? Respond with a polite decline?
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Terichan

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2017, 02:27:30 PM »
Afterthefox, if I can ask, what type of event for your father is this that you have been invited to? I'm not asking for identifying details, but is this an event where your father is going to be honored in some way? Where the idea is that everyone there will be focusing on how wonderful and amazing he is? Or to celebrate some grand achievement he has made?

Because if so, that might explain why you've been invited. That's exactly the kind of event my uNPD father would have invited me to also -- he would want to use it to "prove" to me how awesome he was and how much everybody loved him, and how wrong and bad I was for not sitting in his audience and clapping for his performances any more, etc. So, possibly:

Why am I invited to the event when he expresses no other interest in being in touch?

--So you can sit back down in his adoring audience and be a witness to how amazing he truly is

Why is it I who is being prompted to be in touch when the ball is clearly in his court?

--Because you should be honored just to be invited and be scrambling to make plans to attend
 
Why should communication be via a third party?

--Because he doesn't want to contact you himself -- he has "people" who will do that for him, he's got more important things going on than showing lowly little you that he cares

These are just possibilities, but it's how my father would have been with me.

If it were me, I'd decline with a "Sorry, that won't work for me" or something similar. I mean, he can't even invite you to this special event himself? Then meh -- don't bother even thinking of going. It's probably not a true attempt at "reconciliation", rather it may well be an attempt to draw you back into his web of PD abuse, without him even having to lift a finger!
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Afterthefox

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2017, 02:41:09 PM »
Terichan, you also hit the nail on the head and clearly know the narcissist's self-honouring gala routine.

It is an event at which he will be honoured, organized by himself and his secretary. I have attended many of them in the past and from experience I feel like 'wallpaper' at these events - a piece of evidence that he is a normal, functioning human being, with mature, respectable children.

I should think I am invited in order that he might avoid awkward questioning from his guests inquiring 'where is your son?'.
I have after all been popular with his acquaintances who will surely conclude that there is a 'family issue' if I am not present.

I quite agree that any genuine communication should be reserved for direct correspondence with my father, and not his secretary.

Currently I feel like ignoring the email entirely.
But I will sit with it for a while and decide how to respond in time.

« Last Edit: April 27, 2017, 02:57:47 PM by Afterthefox »
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Terichan

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2017, 02:54:51 PM »
It is an event at which he will be honoured, organized by himself and his secretary.

 ::) ::) Blergh. Typical, so typical.

I should think I am invited in order that he might avoid awkward questioning from his guests inquiring 'where is your son?'.
I have after all been popular with his acquaintances who will surely conclude that there is a 'family issue' if I am not present.

Well, too bad for him, then. "Oh, my son? Well, he's busy running as far as he can in the other direction from this self-centered, self-organized event that's All About Me!! I regret he isn't here as my prop to make me look even better, but I've treated him like dirt his whole life and now he doesn't want anything to do with me any more."

The truth -- spoken by no PD, ever. Run!!
“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

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Afterthefox

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2017, 03:17:10 PM »
It's an unhealthy pattern.

NPDf will act out intolerably either to me, or to someone close to me. I then create boundaries and distance to protect myself. He then reacts with a lengthy silent treatment. Then his secretary ingratiates herself with me to encourage reconciliation. Then rinse and repeat.

In the past, I have usually written to my father shortly after receiving such a prompt. Then we usually meet and he pretends that nothing ever happened. The manic episode and resulting lengthy silent treatment go completely unacknowledged.

I would like it to be different this time. It's the perfect opportunity for me to assert my independence in a way that I have probably never done before.

Regardless of the event, I am more concerned about not tolerating his abuse and particularly the way he covers up this behaviour, and uses a third party to do this. I am aware that attempting to get a PD to acknowledge their behaviour is futile. But I wonder if I should address the very obviously disordered communication issue as part of my response to the secretary?

Eg. "I have offered many opportunities for respectful correspondence and I am sure that I may hear directly from my father when he feels able."

?
« Last Edit: April 27, 2017, 04:06:59 PM by Afterthefox »
"Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts

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Owlface

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2017, 03:43:50 PM »
I came here to second what MLR said. He doesn't want to end the silent treatment, but he doesn't want to look bad at whatever event he wants you to be at, so he is using this proxy to try and get you to attend for his own benefit. Personally, I wouldn't dignify that kind of third party stuff with a response.

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Owlface

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2017, 03:47:21 PM »
Terichan, you also hit the nail on the head and clearly know the narcissist's self-honouring gala routine.

It is an event at which he will be honoured, organized by himself and his secretary. I have attended many of them in the past and from experience I feel like 'wallpaper' at these events - a piece of evidence that he is a normal, functioning human being, with mature, respectable children.


Yes! This is absolutely a thing they do, all the more humiliating/ridiculous for everyone else involved when the person being honored isn't even them, but they act like it is...I will never forget when I got an advanced degree and the PD mom threw me a "graduation party" that involved inviting a bunch of people I don't know but she does so she could say things like, and I quote "Can you believe I raised a daughter with a Master's degree? I mean I really did it!"

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daughter

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2017, 08:58:30 PM »
This seems to be classic move: rely on dutiful Flying Monkey to contact you, to obligate you to re-engage with your father on his terms, without your father needing to contact you directly, and thus, without your father required to explaining his months of silence.  I'd ignore the invite-by-proxy, ignore the FM, and not attend event.  The usual rules of etiquette regarding "responding to invite" don't apply here.

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kayjewel

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #11 on: April 27, 2017, 10:12:34 PM »
It is an event at which he will be honoured, organized by himself and his secretary.

 :rofl:

Translation: "I haven't been getting enough narcissistic supply lately. I think I'll throw a gala to honor myself, where everyone can come and tell me how wonderful I am."

Aren't "honoring events" like this usually organized by third parties, not the honoree themselves?

But I wonder if I should address the very obviously disordered communication issue as part of my response to the secretary?

It's none of her business.  Your relationship with your F is none of her business. What you do or don't do with respect to your F is none of her business.

The fact that the secretary is involved in this self-organized adoration event indicates that she's not entirely healthy herself.

Remember, don't JADE. Do not Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.






« Last Edit: April 27, 2017, 10:14:44 PM by kayjewel »
There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
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Afterthefox

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #12 on: April 28, 2017, 01:40:29 PM »
Daughter, Owlface

I am concerned that ignoring the secretary's email is in effect lowering myself to my father's standard of incivility.
I feel that I would like to at least send a medium chill decline and establish a boundary that I will not communicate with my father via a third party.
But I'm still unsure.
« Last Edit: April 28, 2017, 02:34:36 PM by Afterthefox »
"Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts

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Afterthefox

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #13 on: April 28, 2017, 02:34:50 PM »
Thank you Kayjewel,

I needed to hear that I should not JADE.
I agree that none of this is her business. And this is now an opportunity for me to finally set that boundary.

And yes, honoring events are usually organized by a third party. But my father, who is a textbook malignant narcissist, is a ruthless social climber who has always attempted to 'cultivate' a social position where there is no interest. A lot of his rage originates from being discredited in his industry due to a deeply unfavorable reputation. Therefore, he maniacally tries to convince everyone of his supremacy - hence these events. He once said, during one of his endless self-aggrandising monologues, "I am the greatest (...) in the world, and it is this country that prevents me from being recognized as such." If you disagree with him, then he threatens to sever all ties to you. My therapist simply calls him 'a monster'. Enough said...
« Last Edit: April 28, 2017, 02:43:27 PM by Afterthefox »
"Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts

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BunnyLover

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #14 on: April 28, 2017, 03:28:43 PM »
Quote from KayJewel:
The fact that the secretary is involved in this self-organized adoration event indicates that she's not entirely healthy herself.

Frankly AfterTheFox, I think she's doing this because your father would fire her if she didn't - she's probably EXTREMELY well aware of the disordered facets of his personality and exactly why you don't want to be around him!! Heaven knows these phone calls aren't exactly duties that would be listed in her basic job description. He must be paying her obscenely well to put up with him...

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Afterthefox

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #15 on: April 28, 2017, 03:44:40 PM »
My father is aware that she has no pension, and is therefore dependent on her job as his secretary.
She is paid a slightly above average salary, and hopes to be left a financial gift when he dies, which is the only reason most people put up with him.
"Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #16 on: April 28, 2017, 03:48:18 PM »
If it's an invitation isn't there a simple yes or no RSVPs?
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Afterthefox

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #17 on: April 28, 2017, 05:12:45 PM »
Spring butterfly, yes, that would be straightforward. Not the way they work.

My father's secretary sent the original invitation in the body of an email. I thought I may have been on the list by mistake. She told me my father knew I was on the list. I didn't RSVP. And so she followed it up a week later with an email prompting me to write to my father 'now that I have an invitation'. This is despite 8 months of silent treatment from him and three emails that he has previously ignored.

Of course, I can simply decline the invitation. But the secretary is now hoovering, undoubtably at my father's request.





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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #18 on: April 28, 2017, 10:05:27 PM »
So you can always just respond to her original email invitation with a simple decline. "Sorry I  and make it She's choosing to follow up your lack of a prompt response trying to encourage further contact which is not necessary. Would it be possible to ignore her second email and respond to just the first one?
· Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
· Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
· It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
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kayjewel

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Re: Flying Monkey #3
« Reply #19 on: April 28, 2017, 10:56:13 PM »
 :yeahthat:

This was going to be my suggestion, as well. The original invitation came from the secretary, so she would be the socially appropriate person to send the RSVP to. Since she sent it in an email, just email her back. Short and simple: "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to attend."

If she pushes you to give an explanation, that would be rude on her part. No need to engage her further on the matter.

I feel for the secretary, who must feel rather trapped and at the mercy (financially, at least) of an abusive boss, but it's her choice to stay in that situation. It's not your responsibility to fix it for her. You couldn't fix it anyway, even if you tried.
There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
-- C. G. Jung