Am I the toxic one in this situation?

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Aspie78

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Re: Am I the toxic one in this situation?
« Reply #20 on: May 09, 2017, 06:35:45 AM »
Hi Kazzak

Exactly! You get a feel for what humour is ok as you get to know and understand a person, and that's based in no small part on the humour they themselves use.
Don't get me wrong, I've massively upset people with humour attempts in the past but this was usually early in the relationship before I had a good enough feel for them, and before I had my diagnosis so I was blissfully unaware that people don't think the same way I do.

And thank you! I met some new people, they were nice. I'm not sure that we'll become bestest buds or anything, but I can see us hanging out again in the future  :)

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Aspie78

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Re: Am I the toxic one in this situation?
« Reply #21 on: May 23, 2017, 10:27:54 PM »
Another update

I don't know if you've heard about the terrorist attack in Manchester, UK. My friend has family in that area so, thinking that a major event like that would transcend our disagreement, I sent her a brief message saying I know we'd agreed to leave each other alone during May but I just wanted to say I hope no family or friends had been affected. I expected no reply, just wanted to show a bit of support.

The result, I'm now blocked on all social media. So we're back to the suspected BPD behaviour because that seems like a huge overreaction to me.

She's done this to me once before, and being naive, I kept chasing and chasing until we reconnected. This time I'm not. Some advice I received last time, was that even though she's the one doing the blocking, I still have the power, I have the choice whether to react or not. And I'm not, I'm not going to chase her, I'm not going to do anything.

However, I am slightly concerned about whether she'll try to initiate contact at some point in the future. Like I said, last time I was the one doing the chasing so she never got the opportunity to do the push/pull BPDs are known for.

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Jelly Bean

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Re: Am I the toxic one in this situation?
« Reply #22 on: May 29, 2017, 06:35:31 AM »
Hi Aspie78

I agree with the other posters about investing too much time in to this particular friendship. I am sure you can find what you are looking for in other friendships - she is not the only fish in the sea.  If my DH acted the way you have, I would be really hurt and I am not surprised you are blocked because you have ignored her boundaries.

I'm really sorry for being this blunt.  I wouldn't try and analyse her, I would focus on myself and my behaviour and responses to hers.  If you respect her, let her go.

Wishing you well and hope you can find peace with this.  Perhaps lean on your GF and ask for her support.

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Aspie78

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Re: Am I the toxic one in this situation?
« Reply #23 on: May 30, 2017, 02:50:31 PM »
Hi Jelly Bean

Don't worry, blunt is good. It's the only way to get through to me sometimes. Did sting a little reading it at first but on subsequent readings it's not so bad :)

I'm not disagreeing with you about boundaries because mine have been poor in the past, and wondering if I was pushing hers is what brought me here in the first place. However, I'm not convinced her reaction is due to boundaries because this is kind of what she does, and she burns through friends like nobodies business. I've been blocked and unfriended multiple times by her and seen her do it to numerous other people too. But she never backs it up.

For example the first time she blocked me was in the middle of a conversation, we weren't even having an arguement, just poof, gone! Now I'd been diagnosed with depression at the time and was convinced it was all my fault so when I eventually returned to work I apologised and we went back to normal for a short period. Until she assumed something I posted on FB was aimed at her and blocked me again. Still battling the depression I made a complete fool of myself, raging one week, pleading the next, until she threatened to report me. I replied by saying that I would no longer talk to her if she's going to resort to threats (this was the depressed me talking, current me can see my behaviour at the time wasn't right), she got upset and defensive saying she wasn't threatening me. Surely if you wanted someone out of your life you'd be glad they finally got the message and wouldn't care what they thought of you? You certainly wouldn't feel the need to defend your position.

She unfriended me in September 2016. I messaged her a few weeks later asking for some money she owed me as things were really tight that month, she replied saying she didn't have it, and then proceeded to tell me about the horrible time she'd been having. Again not something you'd do to someone you want gone.

And the weirdest example, I have another friend who knows her. To avoid confusion we'll call the blocking friend Friend A and the other friend Friend B. Friend A finds out Friend B and I are friends, Friend A brings up Friend B a lot after that. Friend A tells me Friend B hates her but she doesn't know why (Friend B really does, and I know exactly why, but I didn't say anything as it wasn't my place). Now get this, Friend A got a new role and arranged the traditional leaving drinks, she invited Friend B! She invited someone that she told me hates her, why would you do that?!

She's even tried to get people fired before, and after the investigation was found to be false, tried befriending the people she accused. She called them mean when they said they didn't want to be friends with her!

In a moment of clarity she even told me earlier in the year that she knows she'll end up alone if she keeps acting this way, and yet here we are again. This history is what makes me feel like it's BPD disregulation (and/or splitting) or projection of something. She seems to have little idea how to treat people and lacks the insight to see the consequences of her actions (she really, really hurt Friend B but claims no knowledge of it).

But unlike, previous times I have no desire to chase her at all. My life is currently about learning my new job, spending time with the family and friends who do want me around, and getting on with my interests. Previously I'd have panic attacks at work at the thought of bumping in to her, but not now. Obviously the fact I still have questions means I have a ways to go yet but I'm doing ok. I feel no need to try to convince her to stay if she wants to go :)

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irene

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Re: Am I the toxic one in this situation?
« Reply #24 on: July 17, 2017, 07:34:55 PM »
wow.  it's not you. it's her.  best off out of it.