BPD Mom really does want it all

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Orangecounty

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BPD Mom really does want it all
« on: May 14, 2017, 09:29:35 PM »
My mom invited us to her retirement party, which of course is being held at an expensive country club in their town (we're of course expected to pay for our own dinners!) and then we're to all have cake at their place. This is the same mother who refuses to come to my birthday because my father and his wife would be in attendance and who decided not to get me a gift or card because I didn't comply with her wishes to have a separate party to appease her. It just amazes me that after all that, she feels it's ok to expect all of this from us but give us nothing :blink:

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MidnightOwl

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Re: BPD Mom really does want it all
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2017, 10:08:35 PM »
Orange - But you're just an extension of her, how could you possibly have any needs of your own? ;)

That sounds really frustrating, and if money is an issue you might even let her know that it's just not in the budget this month or something (I'm sure that won't go over well with her, but it will go well with your pocket book and sanity :)

I struggle with this too. I'm currently living very minimally, which means no eating out, and eating staples like rice, beans, carrots, less meat, etc. So when my FOO is in town they always want to go somewhere nice...and kinda set me up in a way where I feel obligated to pay. Like recently it was right in between my brothers bday and mothers day...so I felt obligated to pick up the 100$+ check...which is like a month of groceries. LOL, ugh. I need to learn to say no and be OK with being labeled "ungrateful" or whatever.


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Orangecounty

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Re: BPD Mom really does want it all
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2017, 11:09:03 PM »
Thanks Midnight Owl. We would be able to afford it but I feel this is based more on principal. That said, I feel so "programmed" to appease my parents whenever they need anything that I could have $100.00 left in my bank account and would still feel like "I can afford it", since the money is there. I can sympathize with your situation, it's true though that even if you do pay the bill, they would still find something to be disappointed by or would consider you to be ungrateful in some other way. I'm slowly learning this myself. So then I wonder, is it worth all the effort? My mom is probably already half expecting we won't go to the dinner.

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MidnightOwl

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Re: BPD Mom really does want it all
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2017, 11:56:12 PM »
Good point about the programming! And it was done when we had to choice whether to go along with it or not, so that default setting was all them. Still trying to deprogram myself, I think it's a process but it's challenging! Also, yes...it doesn't matter what I do, what check I pick up, how far I travel....I will always be labeled that way. I suspect uPDm wants it that way to gain pity from others. She will never admit to others when someone is generous with her.

There was a funny moment where my husband and I showed up to her house with lunch for a visit and her friends happened to show up with a ton of groceries for her. Mom was forced to introduce us and her friends stared at us rather bewildered. I just smiled and was friendly, but I guarantee that what they experienced meeting me did not add up to the sob story my mom was selling. I wonder if they still bring her groceries x-D (she doesn't need them AT all, she has money and mobility).

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Orangecounty

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Re: BPD Mom really does want it all
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2017, 07:48:54 PM »
I had to laugh at your story about your mom's friends meeting you. I'm sure my mom's friends think we're a bunch of terrible people. In fact I wonder if they'll be at her retirement party. Judging by what you've said, I'm guessing your mom is a waif? My mom is a queen so it's all about "showing" her how much she is worth and will even set us up using "tests" so we can demonstrate how much we love her.  :stars: