Everything just blew up

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raindrop

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Everything just blew up
« on: May 07, 2017, 04:13:16 AM »
So things have been bubbling for a while now. First, my parents gave us a massive loan for a house, so we have no mortgage, just an interest free loan to them. When I accepted this offer I guess I was still in the FOG, I had no idea that there was anything substantially wrong with uBPDmum. I also thought they'd communicated this to my brothers. One seemed fine with it, the other one (who's been the SG for most of the time) got into a rage about it and started sending abusive emails to her and me. I was also going through miscarriages and low fertility around this time (still am infertile).
Anyway, a couple of years after getting the house (now) and I have got past some of the grieving around miscarriages, started to come Out of the FOG, and I decided it was probably a good idea to mortgage the house and give my brother some money towards a mortgage of his own. We have been tossing around ideas about how to split the money/repayments fairly. SG brother seems pretty on the level except he's determined to find ways that we're screwing him over (we're really, really trying not to as hard as we can).
Meanwhile, mum has now got in on the action and started suggesting things like that bro has to pay the interest if we get a mortgage etc. I think she's been triangulating. I mean it's true that my brother has been very hostile towards her but that is definitely a two way street. It's also true that he's not been particularly successful financially, but I think he'd be able to repay a part of the loan that they gave us, which is all it would be. I'm not sure why she has such a massive issue with us sharing the money with him, except that he's the scapegoat and anything that threatens that she wants to crush? I don't know.
Anyhow, she got into a big argument with my husband about it and now they are sworn enemies. Oh and this is following on from earlier conflict with them because he didn't like her dropping round any time of day and we were rude to her once because she started bashing our front door down while we were trying to have sex one day. She accused him of abusing me at one point, he straightened her out but this time he called her out for being manipulative and he told her he thought she had mental health issues - not the most tactful response!
Has anyone else had their spouse estranged from their PD parent? What about the other parent? I'd hate to lose relationship with my dad but he seems to be taking mum's side on this at the moment although at first he was very enthusiastic about the idea of us taking out a mortgage to share the money.

I feel in total flight mode and just want to run away. Also struggling with feeling it's all my fault for instigating the sharing of the money and for bringing up the idea of mental health issues with my husband because then he said it on to her and now I'm stuck in the middle. And my fault for taking the money in the first place... sigh.

Now she's saying she will only spend mothers day with my other brother, where there is "real love and real repentance". Nothing about any repentance from her for all the terrible things she's said and done over the years...

I just don't know what to do. I sort of want to just hand the whole thing back over to them because that would get all of them off my back.

Has anyone else had money/spouse issues like this? I'm a wreck.
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2017, 05:41:29 AM »
Oh dear! What a mess. It sounds like you are not participating in the fights but still right in the middle of it. Remember the 3 Cs and that you are only responsible for what you did, do and will say and do, not for others. What helps me most of all in emotionally charged situations is to remain disengaged, rational, and calm.
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kayjewel

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2017, 06:24:30 AM »

Seems to me if you're going to mortgage your house, you'd take that money and use it to pay off the loan from your parents. That would cut the financial tie between you (and H) and your parents. If it were me,  that would be my number one urgent goal.

If there's any money left over after paying off the parents, you could make a loan to your brother, but it would be an entirely separate transaction from the one you had with your parents. In other words, the loan to Bro would be none of your parents' business.

If there's no money left from the mortgage once you've paid off parents, then no loan to Bro, unless you and H have other funds of your own to loan him.

It sounds like you're trying to make up for your parents not helping Bro. But it wasn't your fault that they didn't. If you feel you still want to help him, them do it in a way that (1) does not involve your parents in any way, and (2) is entirely separate from the ownership of (and mortgage on) your home, unless you're planning on adding Bro's name to the title on your house.

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We have been tossing around ideas about how to split the money/repayments fairly

This seems unnecessarily messy, and designed to keep you hooked into the FOO dysfunction. I'm not sure what you mean by "fairly" here, anyway. "Fair" = you loan him a specific amount of money, and he pays that amount back to you over time, plus whatever interest you want to charge.

To be honest, since Bro sounds a tad disordered himself (trying to find ways in which you're screwing him over, for instance), I'd be wary of entering into any financial transactions with him. That includes loaning him money, especially if it's coming out of funds that you have to repay to the bank.

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Also struggling with feeling it's all my fault for instigating the sharing of the money and for bringing up the idea of mental health issues with my husband because then he said it on to her and now I'm stuck in the middle.

No, you are not in the middle. H is in the middle. These are your parents, who are behaving abusively to both him and you.

Speaking of H, what are his thoughts about your plan to give your brother part of the money from your house?


There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
-- C. G. Jung

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raindrop

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2017, 07:30:42 AM »
Thanks KayJewel, those are useful thoughts. I was the one who originally asked for us to help out my brother, DH is on board with it now but wasn't at first. He's done a bunch of calculations to make it so that we're all getting the exact same amount of my parent's money as this is the contentious issue.

I think you're right that my brother is also disordered, but he had the worst of the abuse growing up and I feel very bad about that, I also suspect I have been the golden child and feel guilty about that. To be honest, I am also scared of him... easily cowed by his anger. And I want to be the good sister as well as the good daughter - turns out I can't be both!

I have been suggesting that we just pay the loan back as well, there would be pretty much nothing left if we did that but we wouldn't then be needing to worry about giving my brother anything anyway, it is really only out of a sense of fairness between children. I'm ashamed to admit this but it was an extremely big loan, an entire house really, we only chipped in a bit. My BPDm is great at racking up debt so I think this was my dad's attempt to save his superannuation (that's what it came out of) by locking it up in property. If we gave it back to them it would cut all our obligations which maybe neither of them would like, for different reasons.

I don't know though, maybe you're right and it would be best to do that. That's what I was saying this morning, which is what set off the chain of events that caused the blowout. I just want to be completely out of it and I sort of regret ever accepting the loan as it has made us the target of anger from my brother and also attempts to guilt and manipulate from my mother.

It's lovely to have a stable house with an interest free mortgage but I don't know if it's worth this shit storm.

Apologies if I've rambled a bit, this is super confusing and triggering me.
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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TakingFlight

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2017, 07:55:08 AM »
I second kayjewel's advice, I would be very cautious about loaning money to your brother as an attempt to "fix things". That's really not your responsibility to do. If anything, paying back the loan your parents gave you would be a good way to disentangle yourself from what appears to be a pretty complicated and dysfunctional family dynamic.

I was the scapegoat in my family, and as hard as that was, I try very hard not to bring that into my relationships with my siblings. I'm NC with my parents, but that is between me and them, and I would feel terrible if my brothers felt guilty about that or felt like they needed to "fix" it. It sounds to me like your brother definitely has unresolved issues and anger towards your parents, and you by association, which would make me very wary of entering into a financial agreement. Like the saying goes, 'Hurt people, hurt people'. He may have good intentions, but his own hurt could make him act in ways that hurt you.

For what it's worth, I think paying off the loan to your parents would be a better use of the mortgage, and if you are able to help out your brother at some point, at least then you'd be doing it with your money, not your parents.

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raindrop

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2017, 08:14:07 AM »
Thank you everyone for your extremely helpful comments. It is really good to hear from people who have families like mine!

I think you are right and have told my husband I would definitely like to mortgage the house to pay my parents back. What they then do with that money is their responsibility, not ours.

Thank you everyone. These replies have helped me see more clearly and feel a lot better about a situation that this morning had me seriously thinking about moving cities to avoid!
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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illogical

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2017, 09:30:24 AM »
I think you are right and have told my husband I would definitely like to mortgage the house to pay my parents back. What they then do with that money is their responsibility, not ours.

That is a very wise decision!  :thumbup:

I'm late to this party, but want to second all the advice you've gotten on this thread.  You know the old saying "Never do business with family or friends?"  That adage applies here.

By giving back the money to your parents, they can't twist and spin the situation and say that you are giving "their" money to your brother.  You are then free financially from them and can make your own decisions and be totally independent!

As far as loaning your brother money, I would be hesitant to go there, given what you've posted about him.  It's easy to want to protect him and to "make up" for the abuse that was levied on him, but I think you have to let him make his own way here.  I do understand you wanting to right the ship, so to speak, but it might all blow up in your face (again) and cause more harm to your relationship than good.

I think you are totally on the right track here paying your parents back and cutting the financial ties.  It has been my experience that heavy chains-- not strings-- come with any "gift" or "generosity" on the part of a PD.  They want to you pay and pay and pay.  So you are very wise taking the course you have decided on and freeing yourself from any obligation.   :thumbup:
« Last Edit: May 07, 2017, 09:32:21 AM by illogical »
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2017, 09:46:12 AM »
Absolutely agree with taking out your own mortgage, repaying your loan to your parents and let them all do as they please.

The banging on your front door reminds me of the entitled behavior of the PD mindset. Their financial involvement magnified the already entitled and intrusive behavior many PD work under.

Love the thought that it's not up to you to make up for any financial issues between your parents and your brother.

"Has anyone else had their spouse estranged from their PD parent? What about the other parent?"
Yes DH had his fill of them both long before I did and stopped engaging for his own survival. Since I was buried neck deep in FOG he left me to enmesh and deal with them all by my myself. Right now we are ultra LC - occasional family gatherings only. Since enF has aggressive control and stalking issues of his own DH had his own issues with enF man to man. Things really hit the fan once I came OOTF and told DH I could care less what he said or did with either uPDm or enF because I stopped walking on eggshells to avoid issues. I did tell him if it blew up into argument I'd back him up but not get involved trying to make peace since I no longer cared to suppress my basic human rights for the sake of peace.

DH and I are a separate family unit, we always had that right but only recently claimed it. We have a right to privacy and to not share information or thoughts or decisions or our comings and goings. We have the right to buy what we want when we want and don't need input or discussion. We have the right to go away for the weekend and not share where we are with anyone. We have the right to work as a team of two and only two. Individually DH and I don't need to feel the same or change each other's mind, we are individuals within our marriage with boundaries and respect between us. We claimed all our basic human rights.

At this point I'm sad because uPDm controls access to enF but he totally allows it. I've tried to maintain a relationship with enF but all calls are on speaker, all emails and texts go through uPDm and enF is ok with this arrangement. It's not that I have anything terribly private to talk to enF about since I'm MC and I'd never say a word about uPDm but if I want to talk to enF I have to tolerate some of her abuse otherwise she will cut off access. After the last phone call in not sure I'll be in the mood anytime soon to call. As it is I only call every 6 weeks or so and I figure if there's any great need siblings will let me know but only if uPDm approves their telling me of course. For backstory we dropped the last thread of the rope and disconnected our last tie to them 8 months ago and went ultra LC.

You're not alone in your experience. You and your husband will work out the details of the journey together.
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practical

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #8 on: May 07, 2017, 10:54:18 AM »
I agree with what others have said. The loan you got was your parents money, so this is to whom the money should go back to, just like if you would pay a bank back. It kind of isn't your money to give away, even if it is to a sibling who has been treated poorly. It is sweet of you to want to right the wrong they did to your brother, but that isn't your wrong, it is your parents and they have to do that. If you split out money, rearrange the loan in some way you so you both get equal amounts, you created a worse situation than right now because it is a real tangle. What for example if your B doesn't pay the loan back on time, is even late one time? Try to imagine what you will hear from M about your "stupid ideas" and how they always knew what a disgrace your B was and that is why they didn't give your B money in the first place blahblahblah. She'll pull all the scapegoat stuff out she has said about him and pour it over your head. Also, clearly this isn't making your B happy, because what he is looking for is for your parents to make it right, not for you to be a kind of emissary. This is your parents stuff, they screwed it up and so they have to right the wrong and there is nothing you can do to make it so. I wasn't the GC in my FOO I was the dutiful daughter, meaning any wish, demand from my parents I fulfilled, and so in turn it seemed I was treated better than B, but what it really was what a pad on the head and "good dog" (if I got lucky) or the next demand was thrown at me. Now that I'm refusing to be dutiful daughter and have set boundaries,  I get treated poorly, just like you say your M is rebelling against your boundaries and trying to pull them down. (Maybe you want to think about whether you really where the GC or not just the dutiful child. I partially got there because I didn't want to endure what B went through, rebelling clearly didn't seem to work, so I tried to make them happy and I have paid dearly for it with depression and more.)

You want to resolve this situation cleanly, like at a clinical level of clean with straight solid boundaries. You want to make sure you are in no way involved financially with your FOO, because there are usually strings attached and chaos, entitlement and demands are in the offing if you are dealing with this kind of situation ("But we gave you a loan, that proves we are gold star parents!", "You owe us to treat us nicely and cater to our every demand because we gave you money."). See it this way, the loan is interest free as far as money goes, the interest is paid in emotional demands and damages to you.

As far as your B goes, tell him you are giving the money back to your parents, so if he wants a loan from them this would be a good time to ask. Maybe he'll attack you as "screwing him", nothing you can do about it and he is already thinking it, so nothing new there. If your parents assigned you different roles as children it isn't your fault, it is your parents to fix it. I'm pretty sure all of you would have preferred to be just themselves rather than lay actors/objects in their drama.

If your F saw you as a safe deposit box because otherwise your M will spend the money, that is his problem not yours, you are not an object to be used so he doesn't have to say No to your M. He'll have to learn to stand up to her, put it in some 50 year bonds, buy property, talk to his financial advisor or whatever. Again his stuff, not yours.

Sorry this all blew up on you, it is unfortunately not uncommon that when you set boundaries the PD in your life is raising the battle cry and tries even harder to make you go back to your old foggy self. It does usually get quieter after some time, this is a really important time not to do intermittent reinforcement http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/intermittent-reinforcement

:bighug:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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raindrop

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #9 on: May 08, 2017, 02:25:31 AM »
Illogical, yes you're right - the strings are more like chains! And if I give the money back not only can my mother not say that, but my brother can also not complain that he is not getting his fair share as the money will be back in their court to do with as they wish. The more I think about this the better it sounds... learning to be selfish! ;D

Spring butterfly, your situation does sound a lot like mine, including an enabling dad. They were actually split up for a number of years. Why he ever went back I have no idea... I guess she hoovered him in. Anyway, I loved your description of the way you and your DH claimed your rights as a couple. I'm going to show that post to him and work towards the same.

Practical, yep you're exactly right that is what would happen if he ever missed a payment. And yes, your good daughter description sounds a lot like me. I learned to fly under the radar and "fawn" to escape the horrible verbal abuse my brothers and father got. Also, as I have been reflecting on this I've remembered all the occasions when my mother told me how I was the only one that could make my brother feel better, I was the only one who really understood him, my sunny personality made everyone in the house feel better... it's just come to me that this idea is playing a big part in my feelings of guilt etc towards my brother. Also that it's a totally unrealistic expectation to put on a child to make them responsible for the mental health of a sibling after they've been abused by a parent. Never really connected that before. Thank you for helping me think about it :)
And yeah, even though we'll have to pay more interest etc etc the emotional toll this is taking and the way my marriage is/has been still so enmeshed... it's costing me more than having to pay interest to the bank ever would.

Also that intermittent reinforcement article was very helpful, cheers for that.

"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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practical

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2017, 08:49:30 AM »
Also, as I have been reflecting on this I've remembered all the occasions when my mother told me how I was the only one that could make my brother feel better, I was the only one who really understood him, my sunny personality made everyone in the house feel better... it's just come to me that this idea is playing a big part in my feelings of guilt etc towards my brother. Also that it's a totally unrealistic expectation to put on a child to make them responsible for the mental health of a sibling after they've been abused by a parent.
Gheee, did that ring a bell  :aaauuugh:, only in my case it was "You talk to F, he listens to you, you can make him happy, you can make him do xy and z, you are the only one he will listen too." As a child I was happy to oblige to make sure the family wouldn't collapse and it may have made me feel somewhat special, but really it was just sheer manipulation, as this usually happened when M wanted something from F, or they had had a fight and I had to somehow get things back on track for them. F did the same in reverse "M will listen to you, you are so close to her (=enmeshed) ... :barfy: I was also "the sunshine" because of my always sunny temperament (non-sunny practical wasn't allowed in the family and I actually hid away when I was depressed, upset, in any kind of mood that my parents didn't like in me. I was part time mascot as I learned it is called in the dysfunctional family system. You may want to check out this link: http://www.outofthestorm.website/dysfunctional-family-roles/

The way I evaluate certain things when it come to money and FOO is: How much will my involvement with them cost me in potentially having go and pay for therapy? How many of my working hours will I lose due to the aggravation with them? The answer has always been: not worse it. Or to rephrase an advertisement "My mental health - priceless".
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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raindrop

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #11 on: May 08, 2017, 01:04:18 PM »
hah, yep - priceless!. Well, it quickly went even further south. We let them know we would be repaying the money and she is now in full on rage mode, attacking us with everything she can possibly think of - bashing us over the head with religion (so far she's been totally unlike the loving wonderful God I know), guilting us by telling us what a good mother she has always been and how much she loves us, and she even stooped so low as to say that we don't understand her commitment to her children since we don't have any (knowing full well about our miscarriages and infertility).

Well I have to say, although this has been an intense ordeal, it has brought everything to a head and forced the issue. She's now revealed herself as magnificently disordered and has basically disowned me and I have no qualms about cutting her off and going no contact for a while.
I actually feel pretty good about it, even though I'm a bit scared about the idea of a mortgage I know we'll manage and I know that's just her in my head trying to convince me I can't make it on my own.

Peace and much love to everyone, may we make the good families we never had. :bighug:
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #12 on: May 08, 2017, 01:45:11 PM »
How sad she used your miscarriages and lack of children as a weapon against you. Pretty heartless. See how PD world doesn't make much sense though? She's getting her loan repaid in full and yet this sends her off the rails into a full on rage. Your financial independence means she is losing a grip on her control and her supply. How sad this is the response but it sure does make the FOG so clear.
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daughterofbpd

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #13 on: May 08, 2017, 01:49:09 PM »
You've already got some great advice here but I just want to second what Spring Butterfly said. I think you need the support of your husband in this and things will work better if you can work as a team. It helps so much to know my husband has my back in dealing with my parents. But I also have his back. I know what your DH said to your mom about her mental issues was completely unhelpful to the situation but I wouldn't blame yourself for sharing with him. My DH doesn't really believe in the PD thing (he thinks aholes are just aholes and should all be dealt with the same) so I could totally see him doing something similar one day. Regardless, I see us as one unit, navigating all this together. He is your husband, he is a part of you now, your mom is just going to have to get over herself. I just think trying to deal with your parents all by yourself is going to be very hard on you - and hard on your marriage if you are stuck in the middle, still trying to please your parents. Wishing you luck with everything!
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Terichan

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #14 on: May 08, 2017, 01:50:46 PM »
hah, yep - priceless!. Well, it quickly went even further south. We let them know we would be repaying the money and she is now in full on rage mode, attacking us with everything she can possibly think of - bashing us over the head with religion (so far she's been totally unlike the loving wonderful God I know), guilting us by telling us what a good mother she has always been and how much she loves us, and she even stooped so low as to say that we don't understand her commitment to her children since we don't have any (knowing full well about our miscarriages and infertility).

This sounds so typical of a PD -- with a normal family, if the parents loaned a child a large sum for a home, and the child announced that they would now be paying the loan back, the parents would be... happy about that. They'd say they were glad to have been of help, glad the the adult child was in a secure enough spot financially to repay the loan, glad they were getting their money back, etc etc.

But not your mother -- no, because the "loan" was really a manipulation tool. It kept you under obligation to her (We bought you a HOUSE!!), she could use it to keep you in line "after all she's done for you", hold it over your head whenever she felt like it, scapegoat your brother even further (you "deserved" that money, while your brother didn't), all sorts of things. And now she's losing her manipulation tool and she's MAD. So dysfunctional!

You're doing the right thing, don't walk to the bank, RUN, and get yourself out of this ugly mess as fast as you can. And of course you can make it on your own and carry a mortgage! It's not rocket science, and yes it's nice to have a mortgage-free home to live in but no, it's definitely not worth the spiritual abuse your mother is putting you through.

And this:

she even stooped so low as to say that we don't understand her commitment to her children since we don't have any (knowing full well about our miscarriages and infertility).


This is sickening. There's so much wrong with this statement I can't even. What a hurtful, ugly and manipulative thing to say to your own child who's struggling with this issue. I'm so, so sorry.

 :bighug:
Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.
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practical

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #15 on: May 08, 2017, 03:26:10 PM »
Sorry she so totally spiraled out of control :hug: Her words about having children are so mean and painful and I'm really sorry you had to hear them.

Like Terichan said, normal parents would be thrilled about their children being well enough off to be financially independent. Well, if anybody ever ask you why you are NC with M, you may use this is an example for why "When I announced we would pay back the loan ahead of time she started to viciously attack DH and me." I think most people will be like :blink:   :stars:  :wacko: , because it is simply so far out there, and the situation is so simple, so totally lacking for an opportunity for drama except if you are dealing with a PDparent  :roll:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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raindrop

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #16 on: May 08, 2017, 06:08:39 PM »
Yes, it certainly made me stop doubting my instincts that she has some kind of PD that's for sure. In some ways I'm happy she has made it easier for me to cut ties and start to heal.

Thankyou for the kind words and virtual hugs :)
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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raindrop

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #17 on: May 08, 2017, 07:48:43 PM »
Also practical, how sad that you were put in the role of go between for your parents... Not right at all and a horrible position for a child! And yes, mascot seems to fit me as a role, maybe enabler a bit as well. I think brother number 2 was lost child. Thanks for the link. I should hang out in oots a bit too!
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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illogical

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #18 on: May 08, 2017, 08:54:30 PM »
I am so amazed at the grasp you have on this situation!  You are clearly OOTF and see the manipulations for what they are. 

Your mother is so mean saying that about your miscarriages.  It really made me angry!   >:(

Give her the money and be done with it.  It truly is priceless, the freedom you get from not being beholden to them.  My NM and enF tried to control me all my life with money.  It made me feel cheap and empty, like I was worthless to them because they had no respect for me as a person-- just someone they could dangle the carrot in front of and I would dance like a puppet on a string.  I did dance a couple of times, with deep regret.  My GC brother could always be bought.  He has a lot of N fleas and is very materialistic and ruthless.

You seem so together on your decisions.  I really admire you!  I know you are going to be okay in this.  You have a very strong sense of reality and know your limits.  Just keep doing what you're doing and don't fall for their bullsh*t.  Go your own way and you will look back and never regret that you made your own way by assuming the mortgage.  The house will be yours and no one-- absolutely no one-- can say "We own part of it because raindrop sold out."  In the words of Billie Holliday, "God Bless The Child" [who has his own].
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

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raindrop

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #19 on: May 09, 2017, 08:30:52 AM »
aw illogical thankyou for your kind words! They make me feel strong :) Really it's this website that has helped me to see the manipulation for what it really is - and everyone's help here has really kept me on track and helped me make good decisions as well. I'm in my 30s and just coming to recognise the dysfunctionality for what it is. But it's a process isn't it and I'm glad to be where I am.

We've made an appointment with the mortgage broker for next monday and done up a budget, so we're on track. Hurray! Thanks for the encouragement everyone. Can't wait for that money to be off my shoulders.
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.