Everything just blew up

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raindrop

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #20 on: May 10, 2017, 11:30:26 AM »
Oh my hat... She just sent a bunch of awful emails to my poor H about how she wants him to die and that she'll crack open champagne at his funeral... What the actual hell????
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #21 on: May 10, 2017, 03:21:03 PM »
Oh good night! Is there a way or are you up to blocking access? Can H block her from email? Send emails to trash or bounce them as if they're undelivered?
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
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raindrop

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #22 on: May 10, 2017, 10:23:45 PM »
Yeah we're sending all her email to trash and blocking her phone. I'm looking into bouncing them though that's a good idea, because even if we trash them they're still there and we read them anyway out of macabre curiosity. Maybe we both just need better self control! Haha
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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MLR

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #23 on: May 11, 2017, 11:16:05 AM »
I'd keep the nasty emails as evidence of her behavior.   You said in another thread she is a "rage monster".  I think there is a possibility,  low but there, she might escalate and you might need to involve the police.  If that happens you need all the hard evidence you can get documenting her behavior.

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raindrop

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #24 on: May 12, 2017, 01:29:38 AM »
I'd keep the nasty emails as evidence of her behavior.   You said in another thread she is a "rage monster".  I think there is a possibility,  low but there, she might escalate and you might need to involve the police.  If that happens you need all the hard evidence you can get documenting her behavior.

Yeah that's good advice MLR, thankyou!
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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Beverlee

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Re: Everything just blew up ~ long reply
« Reply #25 on: May 12, 2017, 11:32:46 AM »
I just don't know what to do. I sort of want to just hand the whole thing back over to them because that would get all of them off my back.

Has anyone else had money/spouse issues like this? I'm a wreck.

Hello Raindrop,
I like the advice you're getting here. I'm glad some of it is making sense and giving you direction.  :thumbup:
To answer your question, yes I have been in a similar situation.

With money, being involved in some legal matters pertaining to the wills of more than one deceased family member. And, in classic PD style, the deceased didn't fully trust any of their closest family member to work things out. So, they chose two members who they thought would be fair. And guess who is one of those trying to negotiate aftermath of more than one family member who appears to be NPD?!   :flat:

There are tensions due to delays that are beyond my personal control. And I'm dealing with all of this in stereo because my husband's family makes mine look healthy!  :sadno:

I'll give you some background. Both my husband and I seem to be from PD families. Unfortunately, it's taken at least a decade to figure out - due to hubbie being oblivious and my health-induced mental fog. Even before introducing my BF to my mother, she was making motions that she would "set him straight" right away, if necessary. This is someone she had never met who is probably one of the nicest people you'd ever want to meet!
Okay, so this was her response to normal jitters of introducing the man I was serious about to my family!  :blink:
I told her that her response didn't "put my mind at ease". Meta-messages are mainly how our family communicates, I now realize many years later. So, that was considered something like an ultimatum to her. The first family visit went okay, but this apparently was a sign that things with my mother were definitely "on the rocks", only I didn't realize it at the time.

Putting up decent boundaries apparently left her feeling thwarted and in the midst of one regular conversation, she hung up on me. When I called back, to apologize, I was the most horrible daughter and loathsome as a person.
My only remaining parent, not long after the other was deceased, and this is was how an Apology was received!?  :o

Fast forward several years, and connecting with husband's extended family was getting increasingly bizarre. Fortunately, we both agreed that I would deal with my family stuff and he would deal with his. We would each be the 'front man' with boundaries that we both agreed on. Including "not dropping by unannounced". AND No over-the-top reactions. So, we don't do overreact either. Just calmly state - usually with non-verbal behavior - that we would Not Engage until things cooled down.

His family response was surreptitious, but over time we came to understand that several members of the family disapproved of his choice in partner ALL ALONG. But had NEVER SAID ANYTHING. We only knew after two blow-ups coming from two members of the same family who "weren't going to take it anymore!".

He had no idea. No one had talked to him about it, or me. Apparently, they'd been talking about it to one another, and came to some erroneous conclusions that included various activities on my part that sounded like overexposure to scary movies and other media. Paranoid and bizarre describe the kinds of Scenarios that they still maintained even AFTER officials at one institution were involved and found out the problem was caused by the institution.

The only way I could have that much power over my husband would be to possess psychic mind powers!
Well, one member of my family suggested I did - after seeing someone on a TV show. I had to remind her that it was a character and real creatures like that don't actually exist.
Still not sure she's convinced. Or, if she was, she might wonder that I was seeing past her chronic lies and deceit.
After years of online support groups, I am seeing patterns and listening to my intuition early on - before things blow up.

So, I can relate.
I've learned that any "FAVORS" from people demonstrating PD behavior come with ROPES - not strings - attached.
Avoid them at all costs in the future. It's not worth it to have No Interest. There's interest all right. You'll be paying for it the rest of your life if they have any say in it.

You don't have to buy into their stories. Keep getting support, develop decent boundaries, and learn who you really are - not the Distorted Reflections they give you! It's like living in a "Fun" House getting any kind of feedback from PD families.
Oh yeah, I was the golden child. Very mixed blessing. Resentments still exist over this, by various family members, not just siblings.
Not worth it being the favored child of the most obvious NPD in the whole extended family. Did not know I would pay for it the rest of my life from the Hidden NPD amongst them.

Now I'm the black sheep with everyone due to various stories passed around that I'm a carbon copy like the most obviously NPD parent. Especially by the Hidden-NPD parent whose more retiring personality I resemble.  :blink:

That parent's behavior is supposedly BECAUSE of the Obvious-NPD parent. Forget that both families make Dysfunctional seem quaint, by comparison!

Everyone has ignored that the Hidden-NPD parent has continued the dysfunction and has demonstrated the same behavior as the other parent. As the Hidden NPD parent was projecting all of her crap and making the "NPD parent" look worse.
It turns out the Obvious-NPD parent was the nicer one!

 :stars: Phew. It's mind boggling just getting this stuff out! 

If you made it through all this, hopefully something here helps!

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Beverlee

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #26 on: May 12, 2017, 11:48:58 AM »
I'm looking into bouncing them though that's a good idea, because even if we trash them they're still there and we read them anyway out of macabre curiosity.

I find that having emails sent to a folder helps me. Bouncing things back just seems to inflame the situation and create a vendetta attitude. Those that I've known never rest until their need for vengeance is sated.

I don't know how far your family will go, but I've had all the escalating I can handle.
De-escalate. They're aware they've crossed a line. They just can't help it and/or just don't care.
From experience, it's best not to burn bridges, but I'll likely need to cross some of them down the road.

I've learned not to read emails or listen to voicemails that just make me feel like crap.
Remember you may need them for evidence down the road if your family is litigious like members of my husband's family.  Maybe mine, who knows!

I'd save the emails by having them automatically sent to a folder and never reading them unless absolutely necessary.
Your peace of mind is worth way more than satisfying curiosity that just opens up old wounds.
I only keep and transcribe any voicemails I may need down the road for legal obligations I've accepted. Otherwise, I've developed a kick-ass message SKIPPING reflex!  8-)

Reading through the emails has made me grateful to be "Back Home" here.
Glad the suggestions seem to be helping, and you're finally getting the support you need!

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raindrop

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #27 on: May 13, 2017, 07:58:01 AM »
Beverlee, I thought I replied already but I must have imagined it! Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It sounds quite exhausting and awdul. I hope there's no litigation down the road for me but I guess its good to be prepared just in case. I don't see how they could though, I mean repaying a debt generally isn't grounds to sue! I might get cut out of the will i guess but I wouldn't really mind not having to deal with that tbh.

Meanwhile, my dad seems to be in some kind of flying monkey role... He's now trying to convince me that the interest rates will increase and we won't be able to pay. Well there are ways to deal with that. It made me very sad that he cant see why I'm not speaking to M. I came bck here to reread everyone's supportive comments and reassure myself I'm not crazy or a bad person.
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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Beverlee

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #28 on: May 13, 2017, 01:29:08 PM »
Hi RD,
There are a lot of replies here, so no problem. I'll keep mine shorter, in the future.
Maybe litigation is too strong a word here.
Just my experience that things can often escalate in ways we don't imagine because we don't think the same way they do.
Like how things went with you passing on some of the loan money to your brother.
If it's just about a loan, there shouldn't be problems ... but it's about something more.
Like you, I've come back here to have reinforced that my actions weren't horrible as the fall-out suggests.
No matter what we do when dealing with PD people, the responses never seem to line up ...



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raindrop

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #29 on: May 13, 2017, 10:46:21 PM »
Yeah that's true beverlee, it is so hard to understand because it makes no sense.
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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raindrop

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #30 on: May 14, 2017, 12:17:12 AM »
Ooh new update! now she's saying I may as well just euthanize her so B can have their house. So somehow paying them back their money is like murderingthem? Maybe she does feel like she's dying now that her "little friend" is grown up and can no longer be her mirror and supply. Makes me angry and sad.
Also, that msg got through to my phone even though I blocked her number. I'm going to have to figure out how to fix that otherwise I'll need to change numbers. I have a Windows phone, does anyone know how to stop messages coming through?
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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Shockwave

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #31 on: May 14, 2017, 04:20:04 AM »
I speak uPD (tongue firmly in cheek).

What she's really saying is "How DARE you free the hooks and chains of slavery and bondage I flung into your soul and heart and flesh! Don't you know that if you set the rules of the relationship based on trust, honor and doing the right thing, I can't look like the good guy when I speak ill of you to other people to make myself look good like the wonderful uPD martyr I am? I can't run my smear campaign against you if you actually PAY the money back and make me look bad! You won't feel the fear, obligation and guilt chains of bondage tugging and tearing into your soul when I beckon for you to dance, monkey, dance! All of the sacrifices I made for you! All of the things I had to give UP for YOU! All of the things YOU made ME do because you were BORN! And this is how you repay me? How DARE YOU!"

If this doesn't give you shivers down your spine, I think you may need your head examined. My therapist would get a good laugh out of this one. I have to admit, I can see my uBPD/uNPD malignant mother in all of it.

"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight

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practical

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #32 on: May 14, 2017, 08:01:41 AM »
Ooh new update! now she's saying I may as well just euthanize her so B can have their house. So somehow paying them back their money is like murderingthem? Maybe she does feel like she's dying now that her "little friend" is grown up and can no longer be her mirror and supply. Makes me angry and sad.
That is sheer intimidation, bullying and manipulation, while she victimizes herself and is such a martyr! It is good that this makes you angry, hold onto that anger. Again, you did nothing wrong, she just doesn't like that "her toy" refuses he role she assigned you and is pulling out all the stops, giving you a very melodramatic performance.

In my FOO this would have been followed by a call from enF, a mixture of angry how I can treat my mother this way, and pleading with me to apologize, because he wanted his peace and quite back and not have to listen to her drama. Hope this doesn't happen to you.

Sorry, I cannot help you with the phone issue, have you tried researching your specific phone and your issue on google?
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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raindrop

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #33 on: May 14, 2017, 08:44:58 AM »
Thanks shockwave and practical. It's amazing how there's a strong part of my mind trying to convince me this is all ok, normal, just let it blow over etc even though I KNOW its not ok. It's nice to hear other people tell me I'm NOT crazy and this is as bad as I think (worse probably).

Re the phone, I did google it and I found out that what I did should work - that was just a glitch. It has been working though. I checked and there were 17 blocked messages  :aaauuugh: I think it counts as stalking!

"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #34 on: May 14, 2017, 11:18:51 AM »
Wow how horrible. Yes that anger is what will reinforce those boundaries and make them all that much easier to manage.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog

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Beverlee

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #35 on: May 15, 2017, 04:29:01 AM »
Yeah that's true beverlee, it is so hard to understand because it makes no sense.

Raindrop,
I think I may use this as a mantra ... well put!
Something like this could help me internalize it.
Thanks!

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Beverlee

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #36 on: May 15, 2017, 04:39:18 AM »

What she's really saying is "How DARE you free the hooks and chains of slavery and bondage I flung into your soul and heart and flesh! Don't you know that if you set the rules of the relationship based on trust, honor and doing the right thing, I can't look like the good guy when I speak ill of you to other people to make myself look good like the wonderful uPD martyr I am? I can't run my smear campaign against you ............. You won't feel the fear, obligation and guilt chains of bondage tugging and tearing into your soul when I beckon for you to dance, monkey, dance! All of the sacrifices I made for you! All of the things I had to give UP for YOU! All of the things YOU made ME do because you were BORN! And this is how you repay me? How DARE YOU!"


Wow, sounds like you've met the Hidden NPD in my family.

Seems like sibling, being enmeshed, has taken up the banner going one-up knowing how to play the game with extended family, both sides. Very competitive.
Absolutely no interest in my life, health, or husband - despite professions of 'love'.
Gaslighting since she has been in contact with people - no warning or reasons for suddenly going NC when relative was angry about something but didn't let on.

The penchant for vengeance seems endless, cold and calculating.

Toxic Love, for sure!

Now, I just need to get it through my head that this family is not really family. It's all an illusion.
It's like being on Survivor in the Twilight Zone, because you don't know you signed up for a cutthroat, ruthless game. It's just your life!  :blink:

Ouch!
« Last Edit: May 15, 2017, 04:41:40 AM by Beverlee »

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Shockwave

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Re: Everything just blew up
« Reply #37 on: May 15, 2017, 12:03:16 PM »
I look at it more like that old 80s movie "The Running Man" with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or Death Race (the remake with Jason Statham). No shortage of action, drama and death-defying stunts.  :stars:  :aaauuugh: ;)
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight