teaching the kids about good/bad touching

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findjoy81

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teaching the kids about good/bad touching
« on: May 11, 2017, 12:46:09 PM »
To cut to the chase:
I got married recently.  My son (5) told me his new step brother (10) touched him on his privates.  I'm reeling.

Long story:
I got married recently to new guy, who has been great.  We did not live together before marriage. Dated for almost 2 years.  He has 2 kids.  This week, I had the private parts discussion with my 5yo. He said his new step brother had touched him.  Said he told him about how when grown ups are together, they like to put their privates on the other person's butt, pulled down his pants, and touched him.  He said he told him to stop, and he did.

New step brother early this week got in trouble at school for "sexual" comments, for angry outbursts, and has lied many times.  We already were going to get him in counseling, when my son told me about this. 

Husband asked step brother about it, and he denies anything happened ever.  Says he never talked about that stuff with 5yo, never touched accidentally while playing or on purpose.  Says maybe 5yo heard about that stuff at school.

Husband believes his son b/c he doesn't have any of his normal lying tells - getting defensive, blaming, or breaking down and admitting it.  Even went far enough to say I was coaching my 5yo with his answers. 

I nearly lost my mind over that insinuation.

So here it is - I believe something has happened.  But I'm not sure what exactly, or how purposeful it was.  Was it a young kid not knowing what the boundaries are?  Was it natural kid curiosity? or is it something more sinister?

However, I believe that step son is not beyond redemption.  I believe that he is a hurting kid, who has potentially learned this behavior from someone being inappropriate with him.  However, I'm struggling to rectify all this in my mind. I'm struggling with the insinuation by my H that my 5yo made it up or that I coached him for answers.  I'm struggling with what to do about the situation... I don't want to make my stepson into a villain, but my #1 priority is protecting my 5yo from anything further happening. 

So now there's the other part.... what do I say to my ex(uNPD)? I don't want to give ammo for him to take me to court (as he has made it clear he wants to for anything and everything).  But I also feel like as a parent, he has a right to some information. 



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kazzak

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Re: teaching the kids about good/bad touching
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2017, 01:28:41 PM »
My approach with the child would be to make sure he is supervised/watched, until more familiar and comfortable with the circumstances. You are raising alarms that are appropriate.

With ex, is there a court case that defines what is to be shared? Or an attorney on your case that you can turn to?

Also, does your ex spend time with your DS ... and may find out either way from child, even if you don't mention?

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Latchkey

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Re: teaching the kids about good/bad touching
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2017, 01:14:15 AM »
findjoy81,
I'm glad you posted. So sorry to hear about this. I dealt with some very strange sexual behavior of my former SS and unfortunately there is a lot of shame and denial surrounding this. It's wonderful your S5 came forward and he sounds like a very good kid.

I agree that the two boys should not be left unsupervised. I don't think they should ever be left in the care of a sitter that would leave the two kids alone either.

New step brother early this week got in trouble at school for "sexual" comments, for angry outbursts, and has lied many times.  We already were going to get him in counseling, when my son told me about this

This sounds like enough to call into serious question your SS10's behaviors around your S5. If he is acting this way in school then that is reason for concern.
I would work through how you want to handle this with your H and talk openly with him about your fears. I would just enforce a rule that S5 is not to be alone with S10 because they are so far apart in age or whatever reason you need to tell the boys officially.....with any doors closed or out of sight and enforce it.

I had to enforce strict rules about then SS9 and SS10 from being together in the same room in the same space. i.e. one would have to be on a chair and the other on a couch. No wrestling, No doors closed and wild play. It was very difficult to deal with since they also shared a bedroom and were so close in age. One of the kids had a diagnosis of emerging bipolar and seemed to also be struggling with his sexuality. Some kids with juvenille bipolar are overtly sexual. If your boys are sharing a room then that is another concern. I was working with both their therapists, a behavior therapist in the home, and a psychiatrist.  :stars: The only thing that worked was supervision and keeping kids physically separate at most times. Basically no touching at all.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Take S5 seriously and trust your gut and be glad he was smart enough to tell you. Even if nothing happened this is a new situation and your SS10 has some serious behavioral issues that are concerning.

Latchkey
« Last Edit: May 12, 2017, 01:37:04 AM by Latchkey »
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