Memories

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Afterthefox

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Memories
« on: May 12, 2017, 07:07:54 PM »
After 9 months of NC, I notice that I am experiencing more and more memories of verbal abuse from my BPDf.
It's like they were buried and have come to the surface because I now understand it legitimately to be abuse.

One particularly bad one that I have somehow until recently ignored, or chosen to forget, came at me while I was between jobs.
BPDf said, 'Some people in your position would commit suicide.'

Another was completely out of the blue, 'Have you considered changing your surname and starting a new life?'

Both were said to me at a time when I was very enmeshed with him and he had become reliant on my support of his business.
I basically ignored these statements and many others like these and didn't really understand how abusive they were until a long time afterwards.
Each time, he sort of slipped these comments in and smirked. And I was always too fearful of his reaction to counter him.

I just felt like sharing and wondering if others have the experience of memories surfacing after a certain length of NC.
« Last Edit: May 12, 2017, 07:16:52 PM by Afterthefox »
"Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts

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raindrop

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Re: Memories
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2017, 08:56:07 PM »
I'd be interested to hear peoples stories around this too. I'm sure I'm repressing memories because I remember hardly anything about time spent with uPDm as a kid. I know one time I wrote her a letter to say that certain things she said habitually hurt my feelings, but I don't remember what the things were, and all I remember about the following conversation is that I was relieved she didn't scream at me. I have a feeling she minimised it but I'm not sure.
I'd really like remember more and I'm hoping the longer I am NC the more I will, just like you.
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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Afterthefox

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Re: Memories
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2017, 11:32:39 PM »
I also have a rather hideous memory of my father lending me a copy of a family home video at the end of which there was footage of himself in an explicit sexual act with a woman. I destroyed the video and never told a soul about it. Then I just tried to forget all about it. I suppose that counts as repression, because the memories don't just fade, they stay with you, and you need to exorcise them somehow.

It seems by going NC, memories like this are taking on new potency and having to be expressed for me to finally let of the shame of holding on to them, and essentially excusing them. It feels like I am in the process of cleansing myself of shameful and guilt-inducing experiences.


« Last Edit: May 12, 2017, 11:35:52 PM by Afterthefox »
"Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts