How do I avoid enabling?

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irkmandu

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How do I avoid enabling?
« on: May 24, 2017, 12:28:59 AM »
So, I've been reading up on enabling, and reading a lot of posts about how awful/sad it is for people who's ENdad's didn't protect them from Nmoms. Now that I am getting closer to being divorced, I find that I'm struggling with knowing whether or not I'm doing enough to protect my kids from my stbxupdw.  Trouble is, restraining order says that I can't speak  derogatorily about her to the kids, so I don't know how to address the harmful PA behaviors. I just keep trying to be kind and loving during my parent time. Is that enough?
“Rings and other jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts. The only gift is a portion of thyself.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

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kazzak

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Re: How do I avoid enabling?
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2017, 12:59:39 AM »
Hi irkmandu, I think it is best not to talk bad to a kid about a parent no matter what. I've learned that a child identifies themselves through both parents. When someone talks badly about a parent, the child can internalize that about themselves. It's confusing to a child.

I found my child needed more. I engaged my son with attachment therapy to reinforce secure attachments as much as possible. I also engaged my child in play therapy. This was partly to track his emotional development. I found if emotional development is delayed, it can cascade into impacting other areas of development.

When in doubt, I consulted with my son's pediatrician to provide good guidance. Some times they referred me to specialists. My son did a year working with an OT. Other times, nothing needed, carry on.

I think the most important, and simplest thing, was always making sure my son knew what to expect. Kids do best when knowing what to expect. My exNPD/HPD's behavior is very unexpected. I try to double down. Ultimately, my son watches me role model a healthy secure attachment with him. I'll take that any day over bad mouthing. DS6 always know that no matter what happens, I'm there with him to get through it. No matter what. secure attachment.

I recommend this book: Circle of Security