When hearing "I'm so sorry" from the PD feels abusive

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countrygirl

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Re: When hearing "I'm so sorry" from the PD feels abusive
« Reply #20 on: May 29, 2017, 02:43:08 PM »
HI moglow,

Thanks for explaining "run" messages.  I thought I was getting it in context, but wanted to make sure.   At any rate, I think it's a very good guideline.  I know that I seem to move at glacial speed when it comes to ending relationships.   I'm not comfortable ending things until I have tried to make it work.

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enufbs

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Re: When hearing "I'm so sorry" from the PD feels abusive
« Reply #21 on: May 29, 2017, 04:45:35 PM »
I do understand your tendency to ameliorate the angry. I've been there myself, but you should know that sometimes what happens when you do this is that the angry person loses respect for you, which sounds like what might be happening in your case. If you are concerned that your friend is angry (especially angry at you for standing up for yourself!), perhaps you can say: "You seem angry. Are you angry?" In this way, it keeps the anger her problem, instead of yours. I've done this myself, with my sister, and it threw her off completely, which was the whole point. She was then stuck fumbling for an excuse as to why she was angry. I've read that it forces the angry person to own their feelings and prevents them from sullying you with them.

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countrygirl

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Re: When hearing "I'm so sorry" from the PD feels abusive
« Reply #22 on: May 30, 2017, 09:04:22 AM »
Thank you n.r.i.t.h. and Malini,

I hope you're correct that I'm on the path to emotional health, notrightinthehead!   But I know it will take me forever to work through things with this friendship.  It feels very complicated to me.   Although I think, of course, that Malini is right about how suffering and agonizing for so little in return is probably not worth it.  However, although I think this, I don't feel it yet.  I often have a lot of lag time between my thoughts and my emotions.   Thank you for your encouragement.   And I am trying to work on this in therapy, too.  In a way, I find this blog more helpful, because there is such a wealth of experience here about dealing with PDs. 

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countrygirl

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Re: When hearing "I'm so sorry" from the PD feels abusive
« Reply #23 on: May 30, 2017, 09:14:03 AM »
I thanked nrightinthehead and Malini in the previous post.  Now I want to thank myworldisgood, seichan and enurfbs.

myworldisgood, you are correct that I am punished when I stand up for myself.  In fact, over the weekend, my PD told me that she'd told her sister how badly I behaved when I stood up for myself when I was shafted over the concert.  Yet now she expects me to join them when they celebrate the PD's birthday.   It is natural to vent to others--it's what I'm doing here--but it is not right to tell the person that you've complained about them to someone with whom you then expect them to interact!   

Seichan, I do think this friendship echoes the one I had with my mother, at least in some ways.   I am working on this.

efurbs,  Thanks for the tip about "You seem angry.  Are you angry?" It reminds me of what a friend told me to say when others say something offensive, simply to turn to them and say, "Excuse me.  What did you say?"  Like your statement, it forces the other person to own up to what they are saying.