A new next step for me!

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BabaP2017

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A new next step for me!
« on: June 06, 2017, 02:15:55 AM »
I'm still in the new stage, still coming to terms with my parents, that they psychologically abused me my entire life and that I'm figuring out not only do I have to accept it, I have to stop it, I have to learn how to stop it but I also have to heal from it, I have to learn how to heal from it, I have to be able to recognize when they're doing it, basically I have so much to learn. In a way this is so crazy! I mean I've been getting it for 48 years and yes I knew they had big problems, I know I have big problems but I didn't know it was cause and effect. The good news is that I'm starting to recognize some of the behaviors in the moment, the hard part is reacting correctly on a moments notice. There's the guts to do it,  there's the calming down and making sure you're understanding what's going on correctly, there's the questioning on how to handle it correctly, and then at my stage there's the FOG to fight. And then for me there's the prayer and breathing. Knowing what I know now, I'm pretty excited. I have long suffered from clinical depression and several forms of anxiety (depends which doctor you talk to) and with all these light bulbs going off, I can almost feel my depression melt away. I felt like I always knew there was something out there that would organically release my depression.  Is it gone? No. Do I have huge hope? Yes!!!

So my new next step. So basically at this time my parents have me by my wallet. Too long of a story to explain in a sentence so please don't give me directions on how to become financially independent!! I am disabled and in the process of leaving my career and starting Social Security, I have lost 61% of my income. This doesn't count benefits, bonuses, stock options, etc. I now use money from the family trust to survive and to keep my house. It does not effect my parents daily or monthly budgets. Yes I have lived my life with remarks like "oh you're a shopaholic therefore we should get a trustee when your mom and I die" and crap like that. No, I'm not a shopaholic, they just love to belittle me, it's their favorite past time. Anyway I see one doctor once a month who doesn't take insurance. When I started to see him a few years ago my mother asked if I would like her to go with me and pay the bill to make it easier on me. My learned coping skill, because I can't stand to argue useless stuff is "sure". Although the conversations started in my head over a week ago about going without her, I never actually got around to telling her that my appointment was today. I fought with the obligation in FOG but I'm still learning. What I can say with absolute conviction is that I had the greatest drive (although 12 minutes lol) knowing no one would be there to embarrass me and to show the world that she has more money than me!! I wrote a check just like I do at all other doctor appointments, just like a big girl lol. I'm not sure how, when or if I'll call her and tell her, or just wait for her to call and ask!??! Thanks to OOTF, I have again figured out another way they belittle me that I hadn't even realized. Thank you OOTF.
« Last Edit: June 08, 2017, 11:51:56 PM by xredshoesx »

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notrightinthehead

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Re: A new next step for me!
« Reply #1 on: June 06, 2017, 04:23:00 AM »
My first little step to freedom was going to a movie all by myself. It was wonderful!
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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BabaP2017

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Re: A new next step for me!
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2017, 07:49:32 AM »
My first little step to freedom was going to a movie all by myself. It was wonderful!
Ll0 yllllk