Need advice on possible serious situation.

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ladywallflower

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Need advice on possible serious situation.
« on: May 31, 2017, 01:38:32 PM »
I've been back in contact with my mom and sister for a while, and things have been going pretty well. For back story, I believed my mom to have uNPD and my sister to lie/exaggerate. I got back in contact with my sister because I found that something big she was accused of lying about wasn't true. My sister has told me she's done with people not trusting her and she's done with being dishonest- I believe her but she does tend to be a bit overdramatic, but she is 22 and deals with anxiety. My mom has been good to, based off what I've seen in the passed year or so. I made sure I told her and called her out when we had our big conversation after I made contact again, so I think she knows I'm on to her and she can't talk to me like that.

A little more backstory: before I went NC with my sister and my mom, my sister claimed to walk in on our younger brother with his hand down her sons diaper. Her son was about 2 at the time, our brother was 11. He's the oldest of my three younger brothers, with a younger twin and another who's a year younger.  My mom refused to let my sister talk to any of our brothers about the incident, saying she'd do it herself.

A while after I got back in contact with my family, my sister found some videos on my brothers iPad of them dry humping each other, giggling, with their clothes on. I saw these videos myself and I personally thought they were just being immature 13 year olds. It didn't cause alarm for me at the time and I didn't want to overreact to something they may be ignorant about. I did, however, suggest my parents take the boys to counseling (which is something I've always suggested because my brothers are adopted and were in 9 foster homes before they came to us). My mom has never taken my advice and instead gave the oldest brother his own room, away from the other 2.

A few days ago my sister calls my and tells me she talked to our dad about talking to the two younger boys about the incident with her son. My dad was all for it and had expressed being concerned that the oldest brother might get violent with him. So, my sisters talked to my younger brothers separately, and after she told them she wouldn't tell mom, they opened up to her, saying that the oldest did to that to her son several times and described being molested themselves by their older brother. She said that my parents told them to lock their door at night because they don't know what he will do.

My mom ended up becoming suspicious because my sister was taking the boys outside to talk to them, and she discovered that my dad allowed my sister to talk to my brothers. She was furious at both my dad and my sister- saying things that seem familiar to me like, "the only 2 people that I trust betrayed me" which isn't true because she's very close with her mom. She also said she was thinking about staying in a hotel that night. My sister tried to explain that it's her job to take care of her children, and she had to know the truth. My sister believes my mom is coaching the boys on what to say. I might add that my parents don't treat my brothers as family- they don't want my brothers around and always act annoyed at them.

My mom acted really weird when I saw her the next day, but I tried to act normal like I didn't know anything, because I'm afraid she won't let me see my brothers, particularly the middle brother who've I've gotten close to because I started hanging out with him more when I found out his brothers were bullying him.

As you can see, this could potentially be serious. I think I believe my sister because my oldest brother is a troubled bully who needed therapy a long time ago and unfortunately doesn't show a whole lot of empathy. He has stolen stuff from family members, school, and the drug store.  But then again, I've believed my sister before and it turned out to be wrong.

I would like to talk to my middle brother, but I don't want to pressure him or make him feel uncomfortable. I just need to know the if my brothers are safe, so I can plan out my next move to protect them.

Thanks for taking the time to read this!!
« Last Edit: May 31, 2017, 06:22:05 PM by Spring Butterfly »

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scribblesandsuch

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Re: Need advice on possible serious situation.
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2017, 10:16:02 PM »
Ladywallflower,

I would strongly encourage you to seek out advice from a trusted resource with familiarity dealing specifically with these types of situations. A social worker, therapist, or hotline may be able to help.

It's not your job to determine who is telling the truth or to "take a side," and you likely won't have a lot of power to provide the protection you'd like.

You should knowthat many social workers and other professionals may be required by law to report cases of abuse. However, a very general conversation or talking with someone on hotline or other resource may help point you in the right direction.

This is a very difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. Wishing you the best of luck.

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Sojourner17

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Re: Need advice on possible serious situation.
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2017, 11:31:58 AM »
Ladywallflower,

In our province it is mandatory that a person report suspected abuse/neglect.  At the same time though, i know that it is tough to report such things. 
There are three red flags that stood out to me from your story.  1) that this has happened more than once to your nephew with your younger brother. 2) that your brothers have been molested by him and have been told to lock their doors at night by your parents.  3) that your mom wants to cover things up instead of getting your brother help.

A part of a parents job is to protect children from society/abuse but also protect society from children who are acting out/being the abuser.  This may come across bold but if your sister is telling the truth it doesn't sound like your mom is doing this in regards to your brothers as well as nephew which means it is serious. 
Your brother is also the victim here even if he is doing the perpetrating.  He needs serious help/healing so that he can find more healthy way.  One day he will be a man and possibly a father. If he is acting out in this way now what sort of man/father could he potentially become?  If he can get the help he needs now he may just be able to go on to live a healthy life.
Your sister is 100% right in wanting to protect her son from being abused.  Im not sure if you have children or not but until things can get sorted out i dont think your or your sisters children should be left unsupervised at your parents home.

With that said,  what you ultimately decide to do is up to you.  There are a lot of skilled social workers out there who have been trained in forensic interviewing of abuse.  They would have skills and tools needed to piece together what is going on a bit better.  But, as you probably know (guaging from your post where you mention foster care) the child protective services do have their glitches, blind spots, and cases that fall through the cracks.  This seems serious enough to warrant doing something though.

I wish you all the best as you navigate through this.  Its not an easy road to walk down. 
« Last Edit: June 02, 2017, 03:58:55 PM by Latchkey »
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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ladywallflower

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Re: Need advice on possible serious situation.
« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2017, 02:14:44 PM »
Thanks for your replies and great advice. Unfortunately, I'm suspecting that my sister is playing me again. 😢
I talked to my sister on the phone today and told her I woke up at 1:30am and couldn't sleep for hours because I was worried about our brothers. Then she had to get off the phone because she felt like she was going to throw up. A few minutes later my mom texted me: "I woke up at 1:30 and couldn't sleep for hours. Sound familiar?" 🙄 So I texted my sister and asked her if Mom knows I know, and my she replied "know what?" Like, what do you mean "know what?" That our brothers safety is in question? Then I found out she went to a state park today with the kids and my mom as if nothing happened. Who acts this way with someone they apparently just had a huge blowout with?
I don't know what's going on.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Need advice on possible serious situation.
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2017, 04:27:28 PM »
Sounds very confusing. 
I would stick to my own observations and my own truth. Sounds like your sister leaves you in an upset state and recovers much quicker herself from that than you do.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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Sojourner17

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Re: Need advice on possible serious situation.
« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2017, 08:14:42 PM »
 That does sound confusing and I am so sorry to hear it is like that.  if you do decide to pursue things it would have to be your own observations of what is going on.  It sounds like an aweful situation.  Have you talked with your brothers yourself about what is going on? 

"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery