Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?

  • 20 Replies
  • 1874 Views
*

AdultChildinthefog

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 81
Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« on: May 31, 2017, 12:27:13 PM »
I came OOTF 9 months ago with uBPDm and uNd both in their 70's.  Like everyone else with the crazy chaos, blaming, shaming, circular no win arguments, scapegoating, etc.  I feel I've been doing very well.  I've gone LC and MC.  I've communicated boundaries and really stuck to them for the most part.  I've read and re-read what feels like 100 books on the subject matter.  I've worked on self care, meditation, etc.  I've probably had the most peaceful 9 months of my entire life.

However I feel that the thing that I can't seem to shake is this constant dialogue in my head where I'm thinking about them, explaining and justifying my actions (LC, MC, Boundaries, etc) to them.  It's as if I'm constantly practicing in my head for a conversation that I know is not going to happen like it would if you were dealing with non-PD people.  What is this?  Anyone else gong through this?  Any advice on how to stop this dialogue in my head and just be at peace?

*

stasia

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 756
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2017, 12:40:26 PM »
Yes, I do this all the time! I feel like I'm rehearsing for some confrontation that may or may not ever come. I have a lot of anger toward my M that I'm terrified to express, so a lot of it happens in my own head. Telling her off for the emotional abuse, for the waifing, for the cat hoarding, etc. Telling her how much she's messed me up, how I've had to seek therapy because of her, how she's completely drained me and I just cannot do it any more. All the truths that I wish I could say to her, but can't, because either it'd set off her rage, or she'd find a way to use it against me and gain supply.

Honestly the only thing that really makes it go away is hard physical activity. Like working in the garden. Something that gets me into my body or out of my head.

*

AdultChildinthefog

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 81
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2017, 12:43:53 PM »
Honestly the only thing that really makes it go away is hard physical activity. Like working in the garden. Something that gets me into my body or out of my head.

That's so interesting and a good point.  I've recently taken up long distance running.  I think it's my bodies way of wanting to push all this craziness out.
« Last Edit: May 31, 2017, 12:55:05 PM by Daughterinthefog »

*

all4peace

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 8111
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2017, 12:46:37 PM »
Yes. I face situations with both FOO and ILs. The dialogue is endless. My T suggested redirection, just like with a toddler. You simply keep redirecting your thoughts every time you find yourself ruminating again. I find music and podcasts distracting in a helpful way, being in nature, and hard physical exercise or labor.

*

bohemian butterfly

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 684
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2017, 12:58:08 PM »
Yes, I also do this.  I go back and forth between rehearsing conversations and trying to extricate her out of my head (not letting her rent space/take up emotional energy).

I've realized that everyday I'm having to cut the energetic umbilical cord that she tries to reattach to me everyday.  I mentally cut it with scissors and this usually works for a bit (until I feel her trying to reconnect). 

*

Afterthefox

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 156
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #5 on: May 31, 2017, 02:07:27 PM »
Daughterinthefog,

Yes, this is a symptom of their manipulation. You are so accustomed to handing over entitlement to your parents. Entitlement of opinions, thoughts, feelings, caregiving. You have come second to your own needs for so long. But finally you have decided that this is not healthy, or just, and you are in a process of reconditioning - asserting your own entitlement to meet your needs first.

It takes a really long time to learn to start thinking of yourself before others. Your mind is resistant to the idea. And you come up with all sorts of subliminal ways to avoid it. Such as endless inner dialogues, where you convince yourself that you are proactively working through these issues by imagining resolutions to various dilemmas, real and invented - but actually, all you are doing is giving your parents more of your precious time and energy.

You will find that there is no solution to the issues that you are trying to fix by conversing with yourself. The fact that this is now an internal dialogue indicates that any reasonable and reciprocal dialogue has been ineffective. This approach will eventually wear itself out, as any one-sided relationship does, and with time, the recurring thoughts will begin to fade.

Similarly, I went through a period of frequent recurring thoughts which I feel was my final attempt to hold onto a dialogue. A process whereby I was unable to let go of the relationship, or at least, the version of the relationship I longed for. The one where there was a reciprocal interest, mutual understanding, or at least an ability to converse with reason. The dialogues I imagined never took place, and I see now that they were really a search for resolution and closure that only I can give to myself.

To work through this process, I find distance and removal from the source of concern is very helpful. And getting busy in any way possible. Mindfulness practices are also tremendously helpful. Especially in combination with getting busy.

I hope that helps. Wishing you the best on your path to independence and renewal.
« Last Edit: May 31, 2017, 02:10:21 PM by Afterthefox »
"Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts

*

Blueskies

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 375
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2017, 02:48:02 PM »
I was doing this constantly but I told my BF and he gets me to talk it through with him, and it has really helped stop it. I also meditate every day, and since reading that Bohemian Butterfly was doing the cutting the umbilical cord thing daily I started that too (thanks by the way!). I am still dreaming about them every night though...my mind trying to resolve things I guess.

*

wisingup

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 494
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2017, 03:02:40 PM »
Quote
That's so interesting and a good point.  I've recently taken up long distance running.  I think it's my bodies way of wanting to push all this craziness out.

Me too.  It has helped tremendously - more than any medication.  Somehow, pushing your body to the point of physical exhaustion drains the anxiety.  I think it is what finally made me feel strong enough to confront uBPDm. 

*

Afterthefox

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 156
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2017, 03:09:57 PM »
Me too! Running is a cure!
"Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts

*

bohemian butterfly

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 684
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2017, 03:19:16 PM »
I was doing this constantly but I told my BF and he gets me to talk it through with him, and it has really helped stop it. I also meditate every day, and since reading that Bohemian Butterfly was doing the cutting the umbilical cord thing daily I started that too (thanks by the way!). I am still dreaming about them every night though...my mind trying to resolve things I guess.

Awe, thanks!   I have no idea where I got that from, I think I read it somewhere.  But an energetic umbilical cord wrapped around my neck and plugged into my soul describes exactly how I feel to a "T"  Because my mother is enmeshed, I feel her pull (especially as of late) when I attempt to detach.  It puts a visualization to how I feel (strangled) but the visualization also allows me to do something about it.  If I keep cutting, the cord gets weaker and I get stronger (less energy I'm burning trying to cut it and her sucking me dry).   I feel like I am in control.  She might attempt to reconnect, but I have the power to disconnect/detach.

*

Blueskies

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 375
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2017, 03:49:03 PM »
It definitely helps on an energetic level. I sometimes feel like the connection is at my solar plexus as that's where I feel the anxiety.

*

AdultChildinthefog

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 81
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #11 on: May 31, 2017, 05:12:32 PM »
Similarly, I went through a period of frequent recurring thoughts which I feel was my final attempt to hold onto a dialogue. A process whereby I was unable to let go of the relationship, or at least, the version of the relationship I longed for. The one where there was a reciprocal interest, mutual understanding, or at least an ability to converse with reason. The dialogues I imagined never took place, and I see now that they were really a search for resolution and closure that only I can give to myself.
Wow.  So insightful.  I think your response just helped me put some understanding behind what this inner dialogue is.  Very grateful for your response and this board where we can share.

*

all4peace

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 8111
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #12 on: May 31, 2017, 05:15:48 PM »
The fact that this is now an internal dialogue indicates that any reasonable and reciprocal dialogue has been ineffective.
This is brilliant! Now that you state this, I realize that I only have internal dialogues with people for whom face-to-face communication has been crazy making, impossible, dishonest, circular. It would seem this is our mind's way of trying to resolve issues with people for whom actual communication has been unsatisfactory.

*

Liketheducks

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 323
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #13 on: May 31, 2017, 06:34:38 PM »
ALL THE TIME.  I have a running discussion with practiced lines justifying my choices.   T suggested, and it's worked well, to change the discussion to something more affirming.   "I offered multiple choices".   "I feel supported and I can let go".  "I am not obligated to explain my actions to anyone".   It's helped a bit.

*

Afterthefox

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 156
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #14 on: May 31, 2017, 11:17:17 PM »
Yes, on the one hand, I think it's simply the mind's way of trying to resolve issues where communication has broken down. But it is also a more complex symptom in the process of coming to terms with your manipulation.

Becoming more deeply aware of the internal dialogue after boundaries have been set, may indicate that you are nearing the awareness that the relationship is irresolvable and that perhaps it is the end of the relationship, or at least an aspect of it. It belongs in the denial and 'bargaining' category of the mourning process, which leads to full acceptance.
« Last Edit: June 01, 2017, 12:07:28 AM by Afterthefox »
"Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts

*

girlengin

  • New Member
  • *
  • 7
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #15 on: June 01, 2017, 12:11:23 AM »
Hi,

I do this all the time. Its so draining. Having a conversation in my head where I state how I feel and the boundaries I want and my parents actually listen. It hurts cause I know I they never will listen and understand. They will always tell me my feelings are wrong or I remember it wrong.

I write it out. And then its out and I can try to move on to something positive. But also keeping busy helps. Try writing a letter to them but not sending it, maybe

Girlengin


*

lightworld

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 456
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #16 on: June 01, 2017, 09:10:31 AM »
Yes, on the one hand, I think it's simply the mind's way of trying to resolve issues where communication has broken down. But it is also a more complex symptom in the process of coming to terms with your manipulation.

Becoming more deeply aware of the internal dialogue after boundaries have been set, may indicate that you are nearing the awareness that the relationship is irresolvable and that perhaps it is the end of the relationship, or at least an aspect of it. It belongs in the denial and 'bargaining' category of the mourning process, which leads to full acceptance.

Very wise words  from Afterthefox. I certainly believe this is to do with our processing of the abuse and letting go of the fantasy of having a loving family. Something that is so hard to do and involves grieving.


My experience was that I got to be able to stop the dialogue during the day when I was busy but then, just like Blueskies, I had dreams instead, they were about telling my parents all the things they had done to hurt me. There was a childish simplicity in those dreams, just stating how I felt which was impossible for me to do IRL because it would have resulted in the usual circular conversations, gaslighting, belittling and denial of my feelings by my parents. IRL the whole thing felt too overwhelming and I couldn't pin anything down so I just went round and round in my head with the same conversations. I also had flashbacks which made me anxious and nervous about phones or doorbell ringing. I wonder if writing it out as girlengin suggests would have a similar benefit that my dreams had? Just a thought, you could try and  make it simple and clear about how you feel in a letter or a journal and it might help.


Since my dreams I'm much more able to focus on me, it's as if they clarified something for me and I have not had so much of the dialogue in my head since. When I do have it, like the others, I find keeping busy or physical exercise are the only things that work.  LW
An empathic, highly sensitive, caring, loving, naļve, emotional and vulnerable child is a prime target for a narcissistic parent
Clare Lane

*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 17177
  • You can be free and heal ❤️‍🩹
    • One Key to Better Boundaries
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #17 on: June 01, 2017, 05:45:23 PM »
There's a therapy process where you take something symbolic of your parents and sit in in a chair and then tell them what you need about the past or future as a way to help let it go. For me just talking it your loud helped get the conversation out of my head because it oēcured and was done.

I also reasoned out all the ways I have communicated my thoughts because the rumination happened because I wasn't heard. It helped me understand that the fact that they didn't listen had nothing to do with the fact my truth had been spoken. For a long time I felt I didn't have my voice, and I didn't, but when I found my voice it was interrupted, talked over, dismissed so I felt like I still didn't have my voice. But I Didi have my voice, they chose not to listen. I did speak but wasn't heard and because I wasn't heard I ruminated how I could ever heard but back to 3 C's. Not sure any of that makes sense or is relevant.

Future conversation is pointless because as per usual uPDm remains unpredictable so all I can do is reinforce my values so whatever happens I'm prepared removing the need to ruminate and prepare. Still it might help to get those conversations said out loud as a way to get them out for your head and done.
· Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
· Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
· It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog

*

SE7

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 113
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #18 on: June 01, 2017, 10:32:55 PM »
So glad you mentioned this and that I'm not the only one. It feels like a constant dress rehearsal practicing what I want to say. It is totally draining & exhausting, but because I have to be in contact with them, I have to do it to protect myself. Then, even after I've spoken my piece to them, I might feel temporarily resolved about it but never completely because of the circular conversations that always leave out important details ... the vagueness of their responses, the confusion, the lack of resolution, always leaves me having to dialogue again in my own mind to prepare for the next round.

Or then I'm caught by surprise when they come back after we already talked and lay some other thing on me, like sharing about THEM to show their "empathy" which really just sounds like digs about how I should follow their example, so I can't even get any genuine empathy from them either. A lot of times I have found myself just writing & writing all of my talking points out in lists to get some relief, then I put the paper away for safe keeping later in case I need reminders or examples of their behavior toward me. This process is so draining and then I have to rest! Truly I don't know that anyone understands what we go through with these people and how deeply it affects us. There is A REAL REASON why NO CONTACT is recommended!!! Low or some contact is so draining & debilitating that I honestly don't think I can keep it up after I leave their house.

*

biggerfish

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1052
Re: Constant dialog going on in my head. Anyone else?
« Reply #19 on: June 01, 2017, 10:38:55 PM »
I came OOTF 9 months ago with uBPDm and uNd both in their 70's.  Like everyone else with the crazy chaos, blaming, shaming, circular no win arguments, scapegoating, etc.  I feel I've been doing very well.  I've gone LC and MC.  I've communicated boundaries and really stuck to them for the most part.  I've read and re-read what feels like 100 books on the subject matter.  I've worked on self care, meditation, etc.  I've probably had the most peaceful 9 months of my entire life.

However I feel that the thing that I can't seem to shake is this constant dialogue in my head where I'm thinking about them, explaining and justifying my actions (LC, MC, Boundaries, etc) to them.  It's as if I'm constantly practicing in my head for a conversation that I know is not going to happen like it would if you were dealing with non-PD people.  What is this?  Anyone else gong through this?  Any advice on how to stop this dialogue in my head and just be at peace?

Yup. I've been NC three years now. The inner dialogue and reviewing and imaginary conversations began to really start fading after Year Two. It's annoying but I guess it's part of the process. Try and laugh at it when you can.