I'm always blown away by the insightful and kind responses from you all.
Thank you for your suggestions and your well wishes.
notrightinthehead: thank you for suggesting that I question the fear. Usually the fear hits me so quick, I am locked in utter panic. I can think of nothing but panic, he will leave me, he will leave me, she will win, she will win, I am a fool, etc. So the next time I see a women talking with my boyfriend, I will stop and think about your questions. I will sit with them and really try to go through the process.
Libby12: thank you for sharing your story. Although I'm sorry that you too have shared my pain, I'm thankful that someone else understands it. Your husband sounds like my boyfriend. He is patient and willing to help me understand. He will not enable me though. I like how he doesn't think twice about talking to other females. He doesn't avoid them because of my fear, but he isn't unkind and he doesn't flirt. He just doesn't think about it because he talks to everyone. If he avoided females I would be fearful that he was enabling me and avoiding women because there was a temptation. By not avoiding anyone and just being him, I actually feel like he is more trustworthy because he isn't hiding anything from me. He always talks about me and includes me in the conversation and that does help a lot. I just wish that I had more confidence.
I will continue counseling and I will continue reading and questioning and doing the work. On a positive note, at least I recognize the problem and it is "out there" It isn't hiding from me, I see it, feel it loud and clear. My mind thinks that it is helping me. It is hypervigilant, looking for deceit and trying to prevent me from pain. But looking and searching and preparing for abandonment is painful. I'm torturing myself. It's like I'm so thankful for love that I'm like Gollum from Lord of The Rings, overprotective of my "Precious." I fear losing that love. This is core/primal fear. In reality, if I lose him, I will live. I never sensed love from my parents. I had to convince myself that they loved me, so I think that my boyfriend is also being convinced by me, that I am making him love me and that it is not out of his own choosing, that it is fake, a figment of my imagination. I feel like I am replaceable. I'm not special. I have had to tell myself that I'm loved because I never felt it. My imagination kept me alive. Childhood coping mechanisms.