Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?

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daughter

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #40 on: June 04, 2017, 09:05:40 PM »
Are her texts abusive? Yes, in both tone and in quantity.

I was very very wary of "crossing my parents", of not doing what they expected, much less what they outright demanded, which was my total compliance with their every expectation and demand, in that "I'm your parent, and so I'm forever your first and only priority".  I experienced the same messages you've received in text and verbal form, except that my parents didn't text or send emails (five years ago; I'm NC for 5+ years).  Talk therapy was very helpful to me, to finally get me to realize, and more importantly ACCEPT, that just because I could "endure" my overbearing NBM and NF, didn't mean I was obligated to do so, over and over again, as I became quite aware of the emotional toll (and physical toll, frankly) on me and my own family, in my efforts to "comply" and "be nice" and "keep peace".  Therapy drove home that point:  yes, it's abuse, and no, I'm not obligated to "suck it up" and "endure it" as a dutiful daughter.

You're here at this website, and I think you too realize that your mother's very abusive, that her behavior is not normal and overbearing and extremely intrusive, and it's time to for you to "drop the rope".  No, you don't "owe her" your allegiance or your attention.  And no, you're not responsible for ensuring either her "happiness", nor her satisfaction with her life-choice consequences. 

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #41 on: June 04, 2017, 10:01:03 PM »
You said earlier you feel stalked. Because you *are* being stalked.

This is not love, it's manipulating someone via Fear Obligation Guilt and that's is abuse. It can come in the form of mean words, harsh tone, waify words, whiny tone. It's abuse. Emotional abuse.

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simple and said "Mom I am not able to immediately respond to every single text you send."
and this was not defensive. It was a simple statement of fact. Have you read DARVO in the glossary?  Gaslighting too.

You know people all over the planet live their life and call their parents ... whenever. Some people actually only talk once a week, once a month, some even less. And not because anything is wrong, they're just living life. Busy.

In my case I continued MC and maintained 'nothing is wrong I'm busy' because quite honestly nothing was wrong, for the first time in my life everything was right, I had decided to unenmesh, I was just so done. My life was more than half over and I had yet to live in emotional freedom afforded adults. I had sat down a few times over 30 years to talk to them about how I wanted to live my life, I didn't have the words but at the time what I was looking for was emotional freedom, to not be controlled. So it made no sense to try to explain yet another time only to be met with crying and tears about how close families should be, by their definition love equals enmeshed​. I wasn't going to argue or explain anymore, I had decided to just do it.

I'm sharing that with you because it sounds like in your case no amount of explaining or trying to reach the heart of this person, trying to get her to understand your feelings, is going to get you anywhere. It's okay, you've done your fair share of explaining, when someone does not wish to hear you or acknowledge the feelings of your heart then what is the nature of the relationship?
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Iguanagos

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #42 on: June 04, 2017, 10:26:15 PM »
Jenn, FWIW, I think you’re right on the edge of making some actual progress here.  You recognize it’s not healthy, but you’re still feeling responsible for your mother’s actions.  You’ve been conditioned to feel that way.  You feel you “owe her” an explanation, but you don't and besides, you’ve been down this road many times before.

You wanted to tell her how you felt, but it sure seems that she doesn’t care about your feelings, so I’m with your DH on that one.  If she winds up in the hospital because you block her calls, that is not your fault.  She is manipulating you as she has done for many years.  Yes, it is abusive to manipulate your adult daughter into feeling responsible for her mother.

I am not a mental health professional, but if she is blowing up your phone with 30 texts in one hour, that sounds pretty mentally unstable to me.  You will never fix her, and you will exhaust your own mental health trying.  I really hope you can stay strong and let your DH help you establish some more distance from your mother.  I don’t remember if you saw this post re “time out”, but maybe it is helpful:

 http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/take-a-time-out

That will at least give you a little breathing room to think about how you want to go forward from here. It’s like right now, you’re in the middle of fighting a forest fire, and you can hardly think straight.  A time out would give you a chance to exhale, to sleep, to reflect, to discuss with DH and perhaps a therapist, and to calmly construct a plan for going forward that works for you.

Hang in there.  This is the hardest part – breaking an ingrained pattern.  You can do this.   :hug:

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jennsc85

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #43 on: June 04, 2017, 11:24:41 PM »
Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your family. She is a bottomless black pit of need and no explanation (or JADE) will ever be enough to satisfy her. She has absolutely no concern for how her behavior is negatively affecting you and damaging you.

She is a bottomless black pit and I feel like I border on being able to see a little sliver of light and being in complete darkness. I know that no matter what I say it'll never be enough and she will never ever take ownership for herself. I sometimes feel like an abused animal, going back to my owner to get kicked again and again but every time expecting a different response.


Does anyone else on this planet text you 30 times in one hour, which averages to one text every two minutes? You also mentioned that she called repeatedly in this time as well. Not only is this abusive, but also pathological. There is something very wrong with a human who engages in that much stalking behavior.

I mean, when you put it like that... no, no one else has ever attempted to contact me at the level that she does. I guess I view "abusive" as her calling me names or spewing hate at me. It's actually sort of comforting to know that her obsessive texting/calling behavior is abusive. It sure does FEEL like, I just didn't feel right saying that it was or even thinking that it was.

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No matter how much your mother attempts to brainwash you into believing it, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER. Repeat it until you internalize it and believe it. If she CHOOSES to quit her job and goes to the hospital, she CHOOSES to reap the consequences. She may do this in an attempt to punish or blackmail you financially in order to force involvement, but falling for this bait will only prove to her that this tactic works, and she will push it again and again and again. If she goes that route, hospital social workers can arrange for her to be placed in nursing home that specializes in psych issues under Medicaid. If she is unable to handle day to day living independently without intensive support, that needs to be what occurs.

Her messages aren't desperate pleas for help. That's what you've been conditioned to see them as. They are threats and blackmail.

I have been repeating the three Cs to myself over and over today. DH has been telling me (ad nausem) that I am not responsible for her and that whatever happens is going to happen. I feel so tangled up in her right now it's almost suffocating. Sometimes I need a reality check that she is not going to wither away without me. She survived a week without me. Which is now really coming back to bite me, I feel like.


This is not love, it's manipulating someone via Fear Obligation Guilt and that's is abuse. It can come in the form of mean words, harsh tone, waify words, whiny tone. It's abuse. Emotional abuse.

I don't know why, but it feels really empowering to know that her behavior is abusive. I guess I've been trained to think that I'M the abusive one and she's this poor old fragile woman living alone. I am feeling so much FOG today. That should tell me something.

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You know people all over the planet live their life and call their parents ... whenever. Some people actually only talk once a week, once a month, some even less. And not because anything is wrong, they're just living life. Busy.

This morning before my mom started her text/phone call marathon, my dad and step mom both texted me while I was out running errands. It occurred to me (for the first time, not sure why I never noticed this before) but I didn't get that whole stomach-drop, heart pounding type of feeling that I do when my mom texts me. I just glanced at the message and made a mental note to write both of them back later. I didn't feel any type of urgency even though they were both asking me a question. I suppose that's what a "normal" parent relationship should be like. But of course, my dad and step mom both have each other and aren't "alone and fragile" and all that. I'm finally realizing how completely abnormal my mother's communication habits are because of the reaction that they invoke in me.

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I'm sharing that with you because it sounds like in your case no amount of explaining or trying to reach the heart of this person, trying to get her to understand your feelings, is going to get you anywhere. It's okay, you've done your fair share of explaining, when someone does not wish to hear you or acknowledge the feelings of your heart then what is the nature of the relationship?

Thank you for sharing your experience and all of the wisdom you've gained from it. I really hope that some day I'm able to share my experience like that and feel free of my mother instead of feeling like I'm completely chained down by her. I need to make peace with the fact that she will never ever believe what I have to say or care about what I feel. She'll find a way to knock me down just like she always has and I don't want to keep feeling defeated like that. There is no relationship that's even possible when a person is like that. It's just really, really hard to accept that and break away from it when I feel so enmeshed with her still.


Jenn, FWIW, I think you’re right on the edge of making some actual progress here.  You recognize it’s not healthy, but you’re still feeling responsible for your mother’s actions.  You’ve been conditioned to feel that way.  You feel you “owe her” an explanation, but you don't and besides, you’ve been down this road many times before.

Thank you. It feels so futile, but I've never actually not answered her calls when she calls that many times in a row and usually when she drops the ER bomb I jump into action immediately. I feel like I've made a step, granted a super small step, in the right direction but not giving into her incessant texts or calls today.

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I am not a mental health professional, but if she is blowing up your phone with 30 texts in one hour, that sounds pretty mentally unstable to me.  You will never fix her, and you will exhaust your own mental health trying.  I really hope you can stay strong and let your DH help you establish some more distance from your mother.  I don’t remember if you saw this post re “time out”, but maybe it is helpful:

 http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/take-a-time-out

That will at least give you a little breathing room to think about how you want to go forward from here. It’s like right now, you’re in the middle of fighting a forest fire, and you can hardly think straight.  A time out would give you a chance to exhale, to sleep, to reflect, to discuss with DH and perhaps a therapist, and to calmly construct a plan for going forward that works for you.

She is very mentally unstable. And I know this! But I keep trying and trying. I'm finally starting to see that nothing I say or do will make any difference. It's time for me to create some major boundaries and take control of my life instead of having her in control. It's so easy to type that, but so hard to actually live it. The forest fire comparison is spot on. I'm going to read the time out page and hopefully get some good pointers for what to do. I thought that her being out of contact with me for a week would really make a difference, I thought I'd feel refreshed and ready to deal with her... but it seems like that made things much worse on her end.

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moglow

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #44 on: June 04, 2017, 11:29:12 PM »
Jenn, I blocked my mother's cell last year for just this reason. Multiple texts, phone calls from her cell and home phone, then more texts whenever she felt the need. I use my cell at work - I can't turn texts off and don't need the distraction OR her hysterical dumping and bids for attention. Worse, as I suspect you're seeing, you just can't answer all those questions. Every one raises five more and while you're responding, more calls and texts are coming in.

It's not been easy, not at all. I've just ended yet another tirade from her about her cell being blocked. I'm at the point it really doesn't matter if it bothers her, she just can't have 24/7 access to dump on me for no apparent reason.

I wish there were an easy answer. I know mine -blocking her cell and very possibly home phone- may seem extreme, but somewhere along the way we have to decide when enough's enough. If we were having actual conversation and she were civil, even cared to have a relationship beyond being her dumping ground, it would be different.

In your case, how long will DH be willing to screen calls - and why should he have to? If it's to that point, honestly, it's gone way too far. Whether or not your mother's texts would be defined as abusive - 30 in an hour plus calls then more texts??? That's excessive. Intrusive. Disruptive. Something needs to give/go. She -or you- will need to pick which it will be, if you're to have peace. You may have to draw that line in cement and be the enforcer. The odds of her agreeing when she gets ramped up like this ... I think it'll come back to you to manage.

Can you talk with her, tell her this has to stop, put it out there exactly how many calls and texts there have been, how excessive it is? Can you put boundaries in place, commit to limited contact and block her if necessary?

"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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VividImagination

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #45 on: June 04, 2017, 11:48:27 PM »
And its only going to get worse before it gets better. PDs often engage in extinction bursts where their behavior goes nuclear trying desperately to elicit a response. Your mother is beginning hers as she senses your changes.

Don't hope you can change your situation. Just do it. You really have no other choice.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #46 on: June 05, 2017, 12:44:50 AM »
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She is very mentally unstable. And I know this! But I keep trying and trying. I'm finally starting to see that nothing I say or do will make any difference. It's time for me to create some major boundaries and take control of my life instead of having her in control.
the book boundaries by Cloud and Townsend said once a bone is broke it could never be unbroken, a doctor may put it in a cast but he cannot unbreak the bone and what's more only the person's own body can heal the bone, the doctor cannot heal the bone. How much more with a broken human mind? She is broken and there is nothing you can do to make her unbroken.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth,Gentle Boundaries,Emotional Healing blog

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raindrop

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #47 on: June 05, 2017, 02:07:26 AM »
Jenn I've been following the thread and I'm cheering for you so hard! You've started out strong, keep up those good boundaries and don't give way. All the advice you've gotten is so good., take comfort and strength from the truths here. You can do it!
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #48 on: June 05, 2017, 02:41:19 AM »
Jenn said:

She is very mentally unstable. And I know this! But I keep trying and trying. I'm finally starting to see that nothing I say or do will make any difference. It's time for me to create some major boundaries and take control of my life instead of having her in control.


This is a very important realization!  :cheer: :cheer:

*Nothing* you say or do will make any difference - and telling her how you feel will only be turned around and used against you.

She may cut you off and start mocking you, only to tell you how SHE feels and how it's SO much more important than how you feel.

She may tell you to just get over it and stop feeling that way (invalidation).

Or she may accuse you of having a mental breakdown and threaten you with the authorities.  (I've noticed that's a trend when you try explaining how you feel.  Go back and look at your posts - you  might be surprised at how often she twists your words and threatens to sic The Authorities on you.)

So please - keep feelings out of it and stick to *facts.*   :yes:

You are busy.  You can't answer texts immediately.  You answer texts when you can.  If she needs to go to the ER, she can call 911.  You can see she's upset, so you and LO's will come back later.

With Didi, I stuck to, "busy."

It's the least inflammatory response and you really can't argue with it.  When she'd demand to know what I was busy with, I'd stonewall her with, "Oh, you know how it is...never a dull moment around here.  Anyway - how's your garden?"   :ninja:

I think that might be the way to get her off your back - be BUSY and evasive about it, because she certainly has no F's to G about your job, marriage, kids or hobbies.

You know what all this crazy-making texting is about?  You not *apologizing* for not calling and checking on her when she was giving you the ST.   :blink:

It was a TEST and you failed, because only she knows the rules to her mind games.   :stars:

In her mind, this is probably how it was supposed to go down:  You cave and call her, she doesn't answer.  You call again - she doesn't answer.  No...you're going to SUFFER for walking out on her.

So you call AGAIN and she doesn't answer, so this time, you don't call and  just show up so she can scream at you and demand you apologize not only for walking out, but upsetting her.   :aaauuugh:

Having had an unBPD mom myself, I'm pretty sure she thought *those were the rules.*

What you DID was take the silence at face value, which was the *right thing to do.*   :thumbup:

She's trying to wear you down - because that's what always worked in the past.

She'd wear you down until you apologized for something that didn't need apologies, knowing she was firmly in the driver's seat of *your life.*

Well, nope - sorry.  Not only did you kick her out of the car, but you took away the keys.   8-)

If she won't stop, try blocking her while you're at work tomorrow, just so you can have a productive day.

Give it a trial run, and see how it fits.

Eventually, your anger is going to kick in - that's when the tables really turn and boundaries like blocking her or not returning texts get a LOT easier.

Not that you act in anger or say anything angry to her, but MC is pretty damned easy when you're pissed off.   ;D

You're not there yet - but I suspect it won't be long, because there's only so much you can take!

 :hug:

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jennsc85

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #49 on: June 05, 2017, 08:23:21 AM »
Can you talk with her, tell her this has to stop, put it out there exactly how many calls and texts there have been, how excessive it is? Can you put boundaries in place, commit to limited contact and block her if necessary?

I feel like when I communicate with her at all, I have to be so very, very careful about what I say because she will twist anything she can and use it against me. I ended up texting her last night and told her "Mom, the way you acted a couple weeks ago for [daughter's] birthday was completely unacceptable." (I listed out the ways that it was unacceptable- don't know if I should have done that, but it made me feel better). Then I continued "That is not healthy for you, me or my kids. I assumed after that, you needed a break. I am willing to help you when I can if I am treated with respect. The way you treated me the other week was not respectful to me or my children. I am not able to be your emotional caregiver 24 hours a day. I am not able to answer each and every text you send immediately. I am not able to take you/pick you up from every single appointment you have."

She told me- "I'll read that later" and I haven't heard back so far. Probably will today sometime.  I'm feeling like it's come down to either me and my family or her and her endless "needs" and I realize that I need to pick myself and my own family. I actually feel good about the text I sent her- but of course when I see her in person again, whenever that will be (she sent a text that she needs transportation to an array of appointments coming up... guess that'll be the real test) I think I'll feel very insecure about standing up to her if I need to.


And its only going to get worse before it gets better. PDs often engage in extinction bursts where their behavior goes nuclear trying desperately to elicit a response. Your mother is beginning hers as she senses your changes.

Don't hope you can change your situation. Just do it. You really have no other choice.

I read about the extinction burst a few weeks ago thought that was exactly what my mother would do if I ever outright told her no. I hadn't thought of it yesterday in the midst of all this, though. It totally makes sense why she's suggesting all of this outlandish stuff (she texted me yesterday and asked if DH was in jail?? That one actually made me laugh). But I can definitely see where she's really upping her desperation because I'm not caving like I used to.


the book boundaries by Cloud and Townsend said once a bone is broke it could never be unbroken, a doctor may put it in a cast but he cannot unbreak the bone and what's more only the person's own body can heal the bone, the doctor cannot heal the bone. How much more with a broken human mind? She is broken and there is nothing you can do to make her unbroken.

That is a really powerful quote. Thank you for sharing it with me.


Jenn I've been following the thread and I'm cheering for you so hard! You've started out strong, keep up those good boundaries and don't give way. All the advice you've gotten is so good., take comfort and strength from the truths here. You can do it!

Thank you so much! I'm trying so hard to make a change. I don't want to keep living my life being under her control like I have for so, so long.


She may tell you to just get over it and stop feeling that way (invalidation).

Or she may accuse you of having a mental breakdown and threaten you with the authorities.  (I've noticed that's a trend when you try explaining how you feel.  Go back and look at your posts - you  might be surprised at how often she twists your words and threatens to sic The Authorities on you.)

Yes! You're right. She does this all the time- tries to use the mentally ill thing and the authorities to push me back into line.

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It's the least inflammatory response and you really can't argue with it.  When she'd demand to know what I was busy with, I'd stonewall her with, "Oh, you know how it is...never a dull moment around here.  Anyway - how's your garden?"   :ninja:

I think that might be the way to get her off your back - be BUSY and evasive about it, because she certainly has no F's to G about your job, marriage, kids or hobbies.

I like that! She can't accuse me of anything if I tell her I'm busy. It certainly doesn't allude to a mental breakdown or need to call the police.

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It was a TEST and you failed, because only she knows the rules to her mind games.   :stars:

Right again! It was a major test. I was supposed to call and call and beg to be back into her good graces, and check up on her. I didn't do any of that and I think it really startled her.

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She's trying to wear you down - because that's what always worked in the past.

She'd wear you down until you apologized for something that didn't need apologies, knowing she was firmly in the driver's seat of *your life.*

Well, nope - sorry.  Not only did you kick her out of the car, but you took away the keys.   8-)

If she won't stop, try blocking her while you're at work tomorrow, just so you can have a productive day.

Again, you're totally spot on with everything you've said. In the past, what she's doing now has worked every time. I told her once before, probably 6 months ago after she had an "episode" that I didn't want to talk to her. She told me I was being ridiculous, overreacting, etc. She kept calling over and over again and threatened to call the police (what a pattern she has going!) and I eventually caved and answered and then apologized for not answering because she demanded it. I finally got to the point the other week where I would have rather dealt with the police than her and I had to remember that. But it ended up being an empty threat, just as I suspect it always has been. I'm going to block her number so I'm not in complete shambles at work today. When she texts me at work I get so shaken up it affects my whole day. I don't need that today especially after yesterday.


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lightworld

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #50 on: June 05, 2017, 09:05:52 AM »
Wow Jenn you sound  so much stronger today!  Keep going and you will break free! 
 :cheer:  LW
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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #51 on: June 05, 2017, 09:36:16 AM »
The text you sent is absolutely awesome! The way it's worded was a simple statement of boundaries, you didn't explain your feelings, you stated what you will and will not do. No JADE and just the facts.

She can take and twist that into whatever she wants and if she goes off the rails it's time to initiate the consequences that ensure those boundaries stay unmovable and you are protected.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
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VividImagination

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #52 on: June 05, 2017, 10:04:07 AM »
Thanks for the paraphrased text... You did amazing and have come so far!!! Twent bucks says "I'll read it later" is a lie....she's probably reeling from words she's never faced from ANYONE in her life and she's trying to regroup and figure out how to get her slave back in line.

Block her fast and for quite some time, cause her reaction ain't gonna be pretty. This is the real test...you told her what you're going to do....now do it.

I'm so proud of you!
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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Iguanagos

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #53 on: June 05, 2017, 10:45:46 AM »
Congratulations, Jenn!  This is huge!  Please pat yourself on the back for taking that first big step.  We all know how difficult that can be after a lifetime of conditioning.  Your text is perfect, and I agree – she read it, she just has NO idea how to respond.  Who says “I’ll read it later” after bombing you with 30 texts in an hour plus phone calls??

It’s great you’re taking the day “off” from her and her endless pit of need.  Are you able to breathe just a little bit better?  Do you feel a little more centered and calm and powerful?  This is a good time to really pay attention to how you feel.  You’ve been conditioned to push your own feelings to the side for so long that this might feel a little strange at first.  And you might also be feeling a little anxious about her and what she is going through.  So I’m going to say once again that her behavior is not your responsibility. 

Someone once told me that when these feelings of anxiety arise, when I’m trying to break a pattern of conditioning and am tempted to give in once again, to not fight the feeling.  Instead, acknowledge it, look it in the eye, and then let it go, giving it permission to float away.  So when these feelings arise in the days and weeks to come, acknowledge them, remind yourself why you are doing this (for your DH and children and yes, for you as well), and let the anxiety go.

Fantastic progress!      :cheer:

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Shockwave

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #54 on: June 05, 2017, 11:05:14 AM »
One of the questions that makes me come right out of the F.O.G. in a hurry is asking myself is this something I would do to my own children, as a good parent. Even in the worst circumstances, the answer almost every single time is "NO!". And even the other times when the answer is not an immediate, "NO!", it's damn close to it (I would have done it vastly differently to the point where it might as well have been a "HELL NO!").

When you do that, it will be real easy to tap into some anger on your part. Would you have brought the situation to the point where your own daughter is scared, terrified even, to receive text messages from you because you were being an abusive person but would refuse to see it that way and wold do everything in your power to drive your own daughter away? Of course not. You wouldn't be here otherwise. You KNOW what that is like. You wouldn't wish that suffering on ANYONE else.

After doing that to myself, and some help from other family members, and even my own daughter (who pointed out the abuse from my own parents), it became real easy to distance myself from my parents and drive out the last of the F.O.G.
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight

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BunnyLover

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #55 on: June 05, 2017, 11:56:18 AM »
Quote from Jennsc85:

She told me that she has not felt like this since I left her without telling when I turned 18. She told me that then she had my grandpa to help her and she wasn't working. She says that now she is working and I'm the only one to help her so I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO!!! She says she's going to be hospitalized. She asked if I had a complete breakdown because "WHERE DID THIS ESTRANGEMENT COME FROM?" She says she needs my support. She's going to end up in the ER without a job. She can't handle this.

I see her making lots of demands and she has huge unreasonable expectations of you, but nowhere do I see anything that shows that she loves you or cares, or that any consideration of your feelings and well-being even crosses her mind for a second. It is all me, me ME!!! Even if you had had a complete breakdown, she sure doesn't seem to care about how you were, only about how that would affect her.

If you were suddenly in a bad car crash, or had a heart attack or stroke, would she even care? Or just whine about "Now who will take care of MEEEEEE??"   :sadno:

In my opinion, there's a good reason you abruptly left without telling her first all those years ago, and that reason doesn't look to have changed much. When she pushes those old buttons, remember that you only have so much to give in any 24-hour day, and the time and effort you spend on her is time and effort stolen from your FOC - time you will never get back. Your FOC love you and treat you well - don't devalue them by "throwing your pearls before swine."

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BunnyLover

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #56 on: June 05, 2017, 12:03:20 PM »
Sorry, hit post too fast. Also wanted to say that you showed a lot of courage handling these last few weeks of verbal tantrums of hers! The verbal/emotional abuse is horrible and unrelenting, but you found the inner strength to stand up to her for you and for your FOC, and that is both brave and awesome!

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wisingup

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #57 on: June 05, 2017, 12:22:55 PM »
Jenn – I have been following your story closely & you deserve so much credit for how you’ve handled it.  You may feel like a quivering pile of goo inside, but you’re doing all the right things. 

Quote
One of the questions that makes me come right out of the F.O.G. in a hurry is asking myself is this something I would do to my own children, as a good parent. Even in the worst circumstances, the answer almost every single time is "NO!". And even the other times when the answer is not an immediate, "NO!", it's damn close to it (I would have done it vastly differently to the point where it might as well have been a "HELL NO!").

And this.  I think back to the 5 or 6 year old child I was the first time my uBPDm let loose on me, and the look of shock and terror that must have been on my face.  How could she do that to her own terrified child?  And then do it again and again?  Now she tells me I’m cold and defensive. Gee, I wonder why?

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moglow

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #58 on: June 05, 2017, 02:51:43 PM »
LOVE!! You hang in there - those were much needed to be said, regardless of the spin she puts on it. You did GREAT!
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #59 on: June 05, 2017, 03:34:17 PM »
Great text, Jenn! You told her what behaviors were unacceptable AND you told her what you are able and willing to do in the future. That's awesome! Now you just have to stick with consequences, like leaving if she starts to rage (which might be difficult if she is blocking the door).

A couple of thoughts:

She is saying she is too stressed to work when you don't answer every one of her texts but you are still expected to work, despite her non-stop and abusive messages. Funny how that works, right?

You write that her rage that sparked all of this wasn't that bad (compared to her past behavior). It sounded pretty darn bad to me! You should be the one threatening to call the police, not her! And maybe you should if she blocks the door from you leaving again.

Good luck! You can do this!
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni