Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?

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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #60 on: June 05, 2017, 10:04:49 PM »
AWESOME text Jenn. You are really courageous to send it and have taken such a good step forward here. And yep, like VI said, I guarantee you she HAS read your text... She is trying to convince you she doesn't care. But she does care and is probably figuring out how to get you back in line. Guess what - you have the power in this situation now -  you are powerful! And you now know she can't do anything to you, no matter how much she rages.
Well done!!
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.



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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #61 on: June 05, 2017, 10:10:43 PM »
Thank you for all the positive reactions to the text I sent! I felt tons lighter after I sent it.

She texted me tonight after her number was unblocked. She said that she appreciated me communicating with her and that when I ignore her I send her into a panic because I am all she has. "What if something HAPPENED, Jenn? You're ALL I HAVE!!!" I didn't respond to any of that. Then she told me that the example I used of her inappropriate behavior was actually MY fault. I'M the one who caused the whole situation. I could have predicted that when I texted her about it, but I didn't care. I knew that was going to happen- I just needed to tell her how inappropriate it was, even if she doesn't believe it.

Anyways...then she said that she would stop texting me so much but I needed to "promise" her that I will answer my phone when she calls me because there could be an emergency with her or her dog. Promise! Ha. "Emergency" to her encompasses a variety of things. Not necessarily real emergencies. So I told her "I will answer my phone if I am able to." And surprisingly she said "Thank you" and then some more about how anxious it makes her to be all alone and have me not answering my phone. I was thinking about telling her that if she was having an emergency that she should call 911 but I've decided I'll save that for when it actually happens. OFor now, I think the "I'll answer if I'm able to" is good enough. I didn't promise anything and I was honest. If I'm able to (in every sense of the word- emotionally, physically, etc) then I'll answer.

But do you want to know the best part? After all that, she says "I really don't call you that often. And I only text like that when I'm panicked that you're not answering me."  Say what??  :stars:

Someone once told me that when these feelings of anxiety arise, when I’m trying to break a pattern of conditioning and am tempted to give in once again, to not fight the feeling.  Instead, acknowledge it, look it in the eye, and then let it go, giving it permission to float away.  So when these feelings arise in the days and weeks to come, acknowledge them, remind yourself why you are doing this (for your DH and children and yes, for you as well), and let the anxiety go.

I really like this technique/idea for dealing with anxiety. I actually took a second after I read your post earlier to close my eyes and think about how I was feeling and acknowledge those feelings. Usually I try to tell myself that I'm being ridiculous, this isn't anything to be nervous about, etc. I felt a tiny bit more at peace after I saw the feelings for what they were- so thank you for that! I'll be using that a lot, I'm sure.

One of the questions that makes me come right out of the F.O.G. in a hurry is asking myself is this something I would do to my own children, as a good parent. Even in the worst circumstances, the answer almost every single time is "NO!". And even the other times when the answer is not an immediate, "NO!", it's damn close to it (I would have done it vastly differently to the point where it might as well have been a "HELL NO!").

When it's put like that... I would absolutely never ever do to my children what my mother has done to me. I thought of at least 10 examples off the top of my head of things that she did when I was a child that I wouldn't DREAM of asking my kids to do. It also makes me feel somewhat like a better parent when I think of that. I know I'm not perfect, but I worry so much about my kids disliking me the way I dislike(or dare I say "hate"?) my mother. She tells me that they'll hate me when they grow up, just like I hate her. She may just be projecting, but that is a very real fear of mine. When I think, though, about the things she's done that have inspired that feeling in me, I don't do any of that with my children and I don't ever plan to. That is a very helpful thought for when I'm feeling especially in the FOG.

I see her making lots of demands and she has huge unreasonable expectations of you, but nowhere do I see anything that shows that she loves you or cares, or that any consideration of your feelings and well-being even crosses her mind for a second. It is all me, me ME!!! Even if you had had a complete breakdown, she sure doesn't seem to care about how you were, only about how that would affect her.

If you were suddenly in a bad car crash, or had a heart attack or stroke, would she even care? Or just whine about "Now who will take care of MEEEEEE??"   :sadno:

You're spot on with your observation. She thinks that she is the only one in the world who needs special care and coddling. I think she'd enjoy a "crisis" happening- she loves a good crisis- but she would only enjoy that for the show ("Oh I have to be at my daughter's bedside!") ultimately she would only care how it would affect her. 2 days after my son was born (we had just gotten home from the hospital) she called and told me that she was so worked up over his birth that she forgot to pay her electric bill and wanted me to pay it and do something at her house for her... when I'd JUST had a baby! So yeah... she comes first, always. If you broke your arm well she's had carpal tunnel pain for 30 years because SHE worked so strenuously when she was in her 20s etc etc. it's draining to even try to tell her you're not feeling well or something like that.



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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #62 on: June 06, 2017, 02:33:16 AM »
Jenn, I just wanted to comment on your *COMPLETELY FREAKING AMAZING* text to her!   8-) :yahoo: :udawoman: :righton:

THAT is how it's done!   :chestbump:

Her response, on the surface *seems* encouraging - but unfortunately, will be forgotten the next time something sends her into a panic and she goes right back to what she knows - driving you *bonkers* with demands, threats and nastiness.

With people like your mom, it's pretty much in one ear, out the other - ME!  It's all about MEEEEEE!   :bawl: :dramaqueen:

You're going to be restating the same boundaries - over and over again, very much like I said about dog training and, "Don't eat the garbage!"

Except  Andy the Malamute was a *dog* and I didn't mind so much.  After the first 400 times or so, it starts to get pretty funny.

Not so much with our parents, who should *know better by now.*   :roll:

You're going to get to a point where, "Boundary - consequence" is second-nature to you. 

If she's anything like Didi, you're going to get to that point *really fast* - Waifs do NOT change, except to get even more needy and clingy.   :aaauuugh:

Your mom may not realize she's hoovering you - but that's exactly what it is.  She's saying many of the things you want to hear, without any accountability or responsibility on her part, whatsoever - and no matter what she says, she's still the same woman who'd send you on a wild goose chase to pay her electric bill, right after you've given birth. 

It's good to see she hasn't snowed you - you KNOW the truth, and know nothing has changed but YOU and your attitude toward her.   :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:




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Re: Silent treatment has ended - how to handle the texts?
« Reply #63 on: June 06, 2017, 02:00:50 PM »
My mom wished for me to have a child that treats me the way that I treat her and I said "I hope so too!" haha.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni