N's and their money.

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Rosina

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N's and their money.
« on: June 04, 2017, 11:10:46 PM »
Even though I have been long-estranged with my N Father for years, every now and then I will remember things that were said and done in the past out of the blue.   My N Father made my life a living hell for the sport of it.  I have come to accept what happened and why as far as my entire family. 
I was taking my dog out for an errand and ride in the car, when I remembered how stingy my Father was with money.  Also, my Mother, who was a more covert N.  Clearly, I am the SG and my N Sis is the GC.  I had asked my Mother if I could borrow $200 to buy a car, as I had seasonal work and had to ride my bike 4-5 miles a day one way to get to work or bum rides. I also asked if I could be taken to get my driver's license.  I did have some money saved to buy the car outright pay my own insurance.  I assured her I would pay her back when I got paid next.  My Father overheard and told me FU and no one ever helped him get a car.  That was the final answer...  It was one of the few and definitely last times I asked either one of them for anything.  I continued to save my money and begged my Mother to take me to get my license, I was 17.  I bought a car that was a little better, then I moved out before Christmas that same year.    I stayed in the area and continued to work and was doing ok, but had few prospects, and tried to enlist in the military.    I didn't pass the physical and ended up having surgery.  Before the surgery, I had worked 3 jobs.  One of the three was seasonal, and then one of the jobs let me go.  I was out of work for the bare minimum of time, then went right back to work.  I also ended up losing my apartment and was back in a financial rut, even though I was still on my Dad's medical insurance. 
My Father's behavior got worse after I returned home.  I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't.  He had always threatened to throw me out on the street, yet he was angry that I moved out.
When I was wheeled back into my room from the recovery room, my Father was there, but my Mother was at work.  He was nicey nice with the nurses as they were checking me over and getting me settled.  I had a reaction to the anesthesia or one of the medications and was vomiting a lot.  As soon as the nurses left, he was in my face literally spitting in rage with his eyes bulging about how I needed to get the F out of his house and how much money it was costing him.  I burst into tears and he left the room.  My nurses was asking what was wrong, but I was so ashamed I wouldn't tell her.  Another medical person overheard my Father and reported it to my nurse, who sent a counselor to my room.    I did my best to recover and leave home, but it took 8 months to leave for boot camp.
While I was away, he had stopped going to work and had put in for mental disability from his company for workplace stress.  He was home all of the time, so I didn't get a chance to talk to my Mother and sister without him hovering.  He complained because I called collect.   I was actually sending them money to cover the costs.  There was no way for them to contact me by phone.  I had to contact them when I could get to a phone.  This was way before email, skype, Facebook, etc.   I sent them all nice gifts for the holidays.    My Father asked me for an expensive gift that would cost $400-500!  Pretty brassy of him, huh?  He was all over me to reconcile after Mom died, so I let him back into my life, then I realized that he was most likely trying to find out where his pension was going.  Mom was getting a portion of his pension after they divorced.  He was told by the company that someone was receiving the pension.  He told me my sister had sworn in her daughter's life she wasn't receiving the pension and had even shown her bank statements and checkbook to prove it.  He asked to see my bank statements and checkbook.  I told him if she was receiving it, she most likely just cashed the check.  He then threatened to sue me!  I told him to go right ahead and waste more time and money.  He then discarded me from his life via phone. 
He would do hang up calls and drive bys.  He lived two hours away at the time.   I was working on the computer when he called.  When he would leave a message, he was always surly.   I decided to let the call roll to voicemail and if he was polite, I would call back.  He was polite.  When I called back, he pretended he didn't; know who I was.  Then he said that he hadn't called me.  I told him I was on the computer busy and wanted to make sure everything was ok.  He said that since he had me on the phone he wanted me to know that he had chosen my sister over me because she was always there for him in his time of need.  I told him that I was sorry he felt like he had to choose between his two daughters and reminded him that he had warned me about what a con she was after Mom died.  I told him that she would be there as long as his wallet was open and his check-writing hand was in good shape.  He started screaming profanities and I told him they were going to be each other's karma.  He said FU you are out of the will.
My sister is 42 and he is still throwing money at her.  I suppose when he dies, she will get it all, if there is anything left.  It was nice if him to buy multiple cars and nice presents for her all of these years. 
Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Weep and you weep alone.     Voltaire.

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Libby 12

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Re: N's and their money.
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2017, 04:35:43 AM »
Rosina.

I was really interested to read your post and was relieved when I scrolled back up that you are not dependent on him.  I know what a nightmare that would be.   Just like you I still go over all of my parents madness in my head time and again.  Even after five years NC.

My parents were obsessed with money whilst going on all the time about how money doesn't bring happiness.  Classic projection,  I think. I too believed I was money grabbing but I really am not, I now realise. Like you,  I got all the stuff about how they never got any help from their parents blah, blah.   

To the outside world,  they probably appeared quite generous but it was all about control.  Each time my DH got a promotion they ramped up the subtle nastiness.  Before I married Nm kept hold of my bank book (no Internet banking in those days)  so I had to ask for it to spend my own money.  Usually she managed to guilt me out of any planned spending.

Like you,  I have a GCsis. They controlled her money as well,  but were always thrilled when her husband got a promotion, inheritance,  bonus. Nothing was too much for them as long as it came from elsewhere. They are much wealthier than us, but it was hinted that they would inherit parents money because it wouldn't spoil them because they didn't need it. My parents felt angry that they had not been left money they needed and wanted me to feel the same.

We don't want or need their money.   DH was clear on that from day one.

Nm would spend money on presents my children didn't want or need.  Money would have spoiled them. We have an opposite approach,  for example,  we often buy groceries for DD and her boyfriend as they are just starting in their careers. There are no strings attached but we help them this way so that they have a bit more money to enjoy going out or whatever.

Soppy as it sounds,  we have a lovely relationship with DD,  based on love,  respect and understanding. Parents could not have had this with me because, I now realise,  they didn't even know such a thing existed.

Thanks for your post.  I love to share these stories.  Validation is such a great thing.

Libby.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: N's and their money.
« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2017, 06:00:58 AM »
Good for you, you made it on your own.  Your sister probably pays a high emotional price for the support.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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Rosina

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Re: N's and their money.
« Reply #3 on: June 05, 2017, 01:06:40 PM »
It's weird how these thoughts come out of the blue.  I have to say that  since I was treated badly, damned if I did, damned if I didn't, I realized there was no point in sticking around.  I thought if I went away and grew up some that they would like me better when I returned years later.  I loved them all and missed them.  I would have done anything for them, except sell my soul.  It was crushing to come back and realize that the door basically slammed behind me when I left.  Over time, it's like an onion with layers where I realize how truly messed up things were.   I never stood a chance had I stayed, yet my own Mother and sister spread the belief that I "thought I was too good for everyone," through the years to old friends and people from my hometown.  This came out through the years, but especially after my Mom died when I was taking care of her death matters.   It was always me as the bad guy, and they had everyone on their side. 
I went to therapy off and on when I would hit a rock in the road.  This seemed to make my Mother more distant and when I started to talk, she rewrote history.   It was frustrating.  I think I always saw my Mother as less of an issue and she was the "good" parent.
I had warned my sister before I left home, that things would change, since I wasn't going to be around to take all the beatings.  I was trying to save her.  Her and my Mother became closer, but it was a dysfunctional enabling closeness.  My sister has a lot of my Dad's worst traits and then some.  She knows right from wrong and manages to somehow skim right along the edge without any consequences.    Even when things backfire, she is always able to get someone to help her and give her a break.
I wish the truth would come out and people would realize what things really were, but look at how long I was in the fog.   If anyone knew what was wrong, it would be me.  But until I got older with more life experience and objectivity, I could never realize.  It affects generations.  My Mother died when both my son and niece were 5 yrs old.  My sons has few memories of my Mom, sister, and his cousin.  They will never know each other. I know it is better this way.  The statement that you can't miss what you never had isn't true.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2017, 01:10:05 PM by Rosina »
Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Weep and you weep alone.     Voltaire.

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Libby 12

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Re: N's and their money.
« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2017, 05:49:11 AM »
Rosina.  So interesting to read more of your story.  It has so many similarities to mine.  I was repeatedly told that I clearly thought I was too good for everyone. During my last ever meeting with parents five years ago,  mother said that I never thought she was good enough for me. And by never,  she really did mean from the day I was born.   Many stories she told about when I was a baby bore out this belief she held.  It's got to be projection,  hasn't it?

Like you, as I started to reduce contact with FOO, my sister became more and more like mother. Despite having really loved clothes in the past,  she even started to take on mother's dowdy dress sense, and seemed to ask mother's opinion on everything. My children have also not seen their cousins for years.   Our daughters keep in touch a bit by fb which is nice as mother did try to set them against each other.  I hope they will meet up when my niece is in a position to make her own decisions.

Thanks for sharing.

Libby