Sandpiper,
I wholly agree with your point on intergenerational trauma. In the case of my BPDf, his father was clearly also damaged. Overbearing, manipulative, abusive to his wife, and especially abusive to his elder son to the point that he drove him to attempted suicide and eventual hospitalization. As a result, my father loathed and resented his father with a passion. He was clearly traumatized by the episode, but no one in his family ever sought professional help.
Instead, left to his own devices, my father has always attempted to 'correct' social issues with extreme avoidance. Even though he lived through the 'age of aquarius', and may speak about personal awareness as a cultural phenomenon, he has failed to find the courage for the deep introspection that would lead to his own healing process. He projects his personal suffering onto others, and simply removes himself from any source that may threaten his sense of control and superiority. His life therefore has been littered with interpersonal conflict, periods of isolation and social exclusion.
The persona he has cultivated is a calculated strategy that allows him to function socially from a pedestal - unreachable, irreproachable, impenetrable. It is his defense against having to communicate directly with anyone, including himself, on a plain and forthright level.
When I consider these people as damaged instead of innately malevolent, I feel less inclined to react to them, by exposing their misgivings publicly etc. Indulging in conflict at their disordered level is simply perpetuating the intergenerational conflict that I am trying to evolve beyond.
Thank you for reminding me to operate from a place of empathy.
