Triangulating at BM home this summer...

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Shebakescakes

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Triangulating at BM home this summer...
« on: June 10, 2017, 10:13:05 PM »
I'm a stepmom to 3, biomom to 2. Husband and I won primary conservatorship 2 years ago. Thank goodness. BM gets more time with them in summer. They were with us a little bit last week and SD opened up to me about some stuff. I am trying to find ways to help oldest SD (15) understand the ways in which BM acts without straight up telling her she's BPD. Counseling things biomom is both bipolar (unmedicated) and BPD (untreated). SD said while with mom, she was treated "unfairly". This happens often. This time SD didn't want to go to something that BM wanted them to go out and do. So BM took SD's younger brothers. While out she treated the boys to gifts and snacks and drinks and a late lunch. They got back to BM's house with the drinks and snacks and gifts and showed their sister. SD was upset and asked BM why she didn't call her to see if she wanted anything. BM said " I thought about calling you, but even if you wanted anything I wouldn't have gotten it for you" also BM specifically went to the place that SD had been asking to go all week so it was especially hurtful. I feel so much for SD because my mom is PD (not sure what type) and she triangulated my sisters and I our whole lives. To this day I do not have good realtioniops with my siblings. I want different for my SK's. I see this as boys are golden children and SD is the scapegoat. It's been that way for a while. I explained to SD to explain to me what a triangle looked like and then said if you were somewhere in that triangle with your mom where would you be? She said "bottom" then I asked where would your brothers be she said "one at top and one close to top" I asked her if she's ever been at the top and she said "only if something special is going on in my life I'm at the top, but not for very long"

Any other ideas of how to help these siblings so that their mom doesn't tear them apart?  :stars: :stars:

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Stepping lightly

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Re: Triangulating at BM home this summer...
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2017, 12:50:44 PM »
Hi Shebakes,

It is really heartbreaking to watch the scapegoat deal with the emotional abuse.  I would love for someone to tell us how to help the kids maintain their relationship.  In our situation, it is so hard because BM rewards them for selling each other out, so they can't trust each other.  Sometimes they do, and we just wince knowing it will be used against them with BM.  DSS has learned, he will tell us things and then say "please don't tell DSD, if she finds out everyone will yell at me".  I don't think our BM is quite as blunt as the one you are dealing with, as far as we know, the kids are too afraid to tell us anything.  I think the SG just really gets yelled at more, blamed for everything, and just flat out ignored.  I don't think she plans elaborate days out with DSD to punish DSS, but there is a lot we don't hear about.

We try and use our time to reinforce their relationship as siblings.  It's hard...brothers and sisters will fight even under the best of circumstances.  I do think DSD is allowed to bully DSS at BM's house, so he tries to retaliate at our house a little bit.....so we just address the behaviors as they arise. 

I think the only hope is the GCs seeing how they are being manipulated and allowed to bully the SG, and getting called out on it in our houses.    But i know for my SKs....all of their actions at BMs are a method of survival, they don't have the luxury of self inflection on what they are doing....safety first.