How does your PD parent react to being ill?

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jennsc85

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Re: How does your PD parent react to being ill?
« Reply #20 on: June 16, 2017, 04:27:16 PM »
So... she brought up the surgery. I told her that I wouldn't be able to stay with her or provide around the clock care for her after the fact. I told her that maybe she should ask her doctor about other options.

She totally ignored that. She replied that the hospital doesn't provide private nursing. She told me that she will need someone to stay with her for at least 2 days. She can't do this alone. She asked me what I think things are going to be like as she gets older. She then answered her own question and told me that things would only get worse as she gets older and that she needs her family. I'm her only family. She says maybe I should just throw her into a nursing home. Then repeated that it's never convenient to have aging parents but that family is responsible for them.

It's like she didn't even believe what I said when I told her I couldn't do it. I'm waiting for a huge blow up later, but I don't think she believes me. She thinks she can bully me into doing it and she's probably right. I know it's 3 months away but I feel extremely anxious right now.

What do I do from here? Should I call the doctor and ask them for options in case she refuses to? I'm so worried and starting to feel very trapped again.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: How does your PD parent react to being ill?
« Reply #21 on: June 16, 2017, 05:39:49 PM »
With Didi, I resorted to, "You can keep saying that, but it doesn't mean it's true.  You'll need to speak to your doctor about being released to a rehab, and look into hiring an aid if you need help at home.  I can't do it - the topic is now closed.  Do NOT bring it up again."

It wouldn't stop her from making digs or comments about "somebody" needing to take care of her, but I'd ignore them and change the subject. 


She replied that the hospital doesn't provide private nursing.

My response:  "Well, you have plenty of time to make other arrangements or look into rehab."

She told me that she will need someone to stay with her for at least 2 days.  She can't do this alone.

My response:  "You'll have to speak to your doctor about that.  Otherwise, I don't know what to tell you."

She asked me what I think things are going to be like as she gets older. She then answered her own question and told me that things would only get worse as she gets older and that she needs her family.

My response:  "You'll have some important decisions to make if you don't think you can live on your own."

I'm her only family. She says maybe I should just throw her into a nursing home. Then repeated that it's never convenient to have aging parents but that family is responsible for them.

My response:  "You're responsible for yourself, mom.  When the time comes, you'll have to start looking around at options - like AL or a SNF.  But that's ultimately up to you and your doctors, and I can't help you.  Hell, for all I know, we could be living halfway across the country by then."

It's like she didn't even believe what I said when I told her I couldn't do it.

They never do - that's why it's important to put your foot down and decide, "Nope.  Not happening.  She can take care of herself.  I'm not lifting a finger."

I'm waiting  for a huge blow up later, but I don't think she believes me. She thinks she can bully me into doing it and she's probably right.

Jenn, who answers your phone?  Who drives your car?  Who determines where that car goes?

That would be YOU.  You call the shots in your own life - and if you say, "NO" - there's her answer.  She doesn't have to believe it, and she doesn't have to like it, but she can't FORCE you do to anything you don't want to do.   :yes:


I know it's 3 months away but I feel extremely anxious right now.

You have 3 months to start really cracking down on the boundaries - and doing less and less for her.  Make yourself scarce.  Let her calls go to voice.  Limit calling her back to once a week - if that - and using MC when she starts complaining.  If she won't stop, obviously it's not a good time to talk to her - and end the call.

Go  over *rarely* - and ONLY with DH.  But most importantly:  RARELY.


Take this time to start bowing out of her life and *do not let her suck you back in.*  You are BUSY.  You have obligations and responsibilities.  You have KIDS! 

When her car lease comes due, bring her back her old car and turn in the leased car - if you're going to pay for another car, it should be for *you.*

If her old car isn't reliable?  Not your problem.  That's why God invented buses, taxis and Uber.


When her apartment lease comes up again, *do not cosign for her.*  Let HER figure it out.  She can talk to the landlord and try to work it out - if not, she can move somewhere cheaper, or into AL.

Please don't use this time, fretting.  Use it *wisely* to start shoring up boundaries and making yourself *stronger* and more determined than ever.


She sees you as her Old Age Care Plan - Didi and Ray thought the same thing, since I'm the only child, but they thought *wrongly.*

They claimed they needed all kinds of help, yet refused outside help, expecting me to take up the slack.  Well, that blew up in their faces - the car only goes where I drive it, and I drove it nowhere near their house. 

They didn't like it, but they made due - waifs are *astonishingly* resourceful and as much as they tell you they "can't" do something, they CAN - they just don't *want to.*


 :hug:

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VividImagination

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Re: How does your PD parent react to being ill?
« Reply #22 on: June 16, 2017, 06:49:18 PM »
Everything WI said. She can't bully you into it because you aren't going to let her. I guarantee when she sits there after surgery waiting for someone to pick her up and no one does, the hospital WILL take care of it, and they WILL arrange follow up care if she can't care for herself. Are you sure that she will even actually need follow up care, or she just wants it?

Throw her in a nursing home? Well, yeah, if she can't care for herself, neither can you...you have small children and they are your priority. She thinks she can just steamroll right over you and ignore/argue what you say. Don't be in the path of the steamroller. "Mom, I've told you that I can't help you. You have plenty of time to make arrangements. If you don't, that's your problem. The topic is closed, and I won't discuss it again."

When she brings it up again (and she will), "Unless you're just sharing what your plans are, I'm not discussing it. Bye."

There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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jennsc85

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Re: How does your PD parent react to being ill?
« Reply #23 on: June 16, 2017, 07:42:18 PM »
WI, thank you for talking me down off my ledge! I was absolutely freaking out when she texted me all that and I had no idea where I would even begin to reply to her. It's so much easier on me when I have a plan of some idea of what to say. Thank you. She's making it sound like she HAS to have someone there- and I don't doubt that she does. But, as was mentioned earlier... what about people who truly don't have any family at all? She says that I should be ashamed that I'm suggesting she ask her doctor for other suggestions. She questioned what I'd do if she had cancer. "Would you make me take a cab home from my chemo appointments? COME ON JENN have a heart. What's wrong with you? I didn't raise you like this" blah blah blah. She says that the last time she had a surgery this complicated she was married and my dad was there to help. She says, "Families help each other" I know she's trying to force me to do this and thinks that she will succeed because she has in the past.

VI, you're right. I doubt they'd let her sit there on the curb in a wheelchair. I feel like she's so helpless. I feel like I need to arrange something for her even though that's not my responsibility. Whenever she starts saying how things are only going to get worse and she'll need me more and more as she gets older... it scares the living daylights out of me. It panics me to think that it could get WORSE. I know I have to strengthen up and stick to boundaries to prevent that from happening.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: How does your PD parent react to being ill?
« Reply #24 on: June 17, 2017, 02:19:29 AM »
No problemo!  That's why I'm here.   :)

I've had too many days where I've felt exactly like you felt - stuck, trapped and hopeless.

I got unstuck, avoided the trap and then sprung it shut and eventually, hope returned - all thanks to this board.   :yourock:

I want to address this:

She says that I should be ashamed that I'm suggesting she ask her doctor for other suggestions. She questioned what I'd do if she had cancer. "Would you make me take a cab home from my chemo appointments? COME ON JENN have a heart. What's wrong with you? I didn't raise you like this" blah blah blah. She says that the last time she had a surgery this complicated she was married and my dad was there to help. She says, "Families help each other" I know she's trying to force me to do this and thinks that she will succeed because she has in the past.

Let's tear this sucker down:

1.  SHE should be ashamed for trying to dump herself on you!

2.  Yes, she WOULD have to take a cab home from chemo.  Lots of people do - every single day - and they're not griping about it. 

3.  You do have a heart, there is nothing wrong with you and she's just pissed off because she raised you to be a DOORMAT and you're realizing you're NOT - and don't have to be.

4.  NORMAL families, where love, mutual respect and common courtesy rule the day *often* help each other - but realize *it's not a requirement.*

Did you notice she's starting to whine and wheedle, like a 5-year-old?

When they start to whine, just like a child - it means she's getting desperate.  *Stick to your boundaries.*

 "I said no, you'll have to talk to your doctor - do NOT bring it up again."

If the surgery is as complicated as she claims, her doctor may just *tell* her she's going to rehab and cite it as hospital policy. 

She'll probably lie and say she's got a caregiver - you - this is why it's important to STAY AWAY.  Don't visit her.  Be elusive.  Be mythical.  Be only a disembodied voice on the phone who says, "I don't care what she's telling you - I am NOT taking care of her.  It's impossible."

The first time is always the hardest, but with time and very constant, strict boundaries, your mom may be able to be *trained* to call ambulances if it's an emergency and arrange her own transportation if it isn't.

You said:

Whenever she starts saying how things are only going to get worse and she'll need me more and more as she gets older... it scares the living daylights out of me. It panics me to think that it could get WORSE. I know I have to strengthen up and stick to boundaries to prevent that from happening.

Jenn, don't panic - you're in the right place.   :bighug:

Yes, she WILL get worse.  She'll get worse in ways you can't even possibly imagine.  What you're seeing now is Amateur Hour!   :aaauuugh:

As she  gets older, her PD will act like somebody injected it with steroids - I went through it with Didi and was ready to go NC when she died, and when Ray did it, I was ready for him and went VVVLC, instead of taking up a Dutiful Daughter mantle.   :ninja:

Everything you're doing now is in preparation for when that time comes.  You're putting up boundaries and limits, which aren't going to change and will only become MORE stringent as she ages and starts to fail.

By the time you start getting calls telling you she can't feed herself  because she can't lift her spoon (she can  :roll:) and she can't get the mail because she can't walk (she can  :roll:) and needs SOMEBODY to manage all her meds for her (like that chart the Visiting Nurse wrote up for her!  :roll:) - you'll be rolling your eyes all the way up to Alaska and thinking, "God...not this shit again!" - and erasing her messages without another thought.

Believe it or not, you WILL get to that point!  It's almost shocking when apathy sets in, but when it does, you realize *you've done it.*  You really do have no more F's to G because she's finally burned through every single one of your good graces and she can figure out her own damned problems, because you are DONE.

 :hug:

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JollyJazz

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Re: How does your PD parent react to being ill?
« Reply #25 on: June 17, 2017, 04:33:30 AM »
Quote
She actually told me one time before I took her to an appointment to have a colonoscopy, "When I'm getting a procedure done, I AM GOD! OK? I'm God right now. And you need to do any little thing I ask of you." Yes, she really said this!

jennsc85 - Wow! Just...wow! I really think that statement above sums her attitude up neatly. She is really turning on the emotional blackmail with you, and it seems like the mask slipped a bit when she blurted that one out.

I just wanted to let you know I can also really relate to this, like so many others here. My mother loved to text, email and rant in person about her various ailments. Including tests such as colonoscopy - which found out (surprise) there was nothing wrong with her (physically that is). I remember once she had glandular fever and made a HUGE drama about it. I also had it and she seemed quite miffed and told me I didn't. I guess she didn't want me to 'steal her thunder'. I remember her throwing an EPIC tantrum when I first started to come Out of the FOG and move away from my old, enmeshed pattern. She announced to my siblings by email and I that she had 'depression', and also followed up with a couple of bizzaro, deliberately typo laden texts saying that she was 'severely depressed'. This 'severe depression' lasted approximately one week, and then she was okay again.

I'm sorry that you have to endure your mothers bullying and entitlement. You aren't alone. Keep sticking to those boundaries, try the squeaky wheel technique of calmly asserting them over and over until she gets it. You got this!
 :boogie:

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batchfile

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Re: How does your PD parent react to being ill?
« Reply #26 on: June 17, 2017, 12:41:06 PM »
my dad gets pissed off and angry. blames it on whoever was sick before him- even if it was just a cough/sniffle/etc. gets really damn angry. one time i had the flu (which they didnt rlly care about anyway) and i accidentally gave it to my dad and i was terrified he was angry at me. (he was.)

later he was on the phone in front of me and said to whoever he was talking to that he felt like he was gonna die. lmao, three years younger me didn't take that well  :stars:

in any case- i really hope you can get through those three days. you're strong and i believe in you!

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all4peace

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Re: How does your PD parent react to being ill?
« Reply #27 on: June 17, 2017, 05:24:40 PM »
It is NOT necessary to have family take care of you after surgery. Been there, done that, too many times for our young ages (DH and I). Seriously, people can get creative in finding support networks. Fortunately in our first-world lives, if we've been so toxic and obnoxious that our family doesn't want to be around us (in your mother's case), then she has the privilege of being able to hire people to do so. I don't know what her procedure is, but if she's completely unable to care for herself, they won't let her out of the hospital.

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SweetPea83

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Re: How does your PD parent react to being ill?
« Reply #28 on: June 19, 2017, 03:13:01 PM »
My PD father was always abusive.  And still would be if I tolerated it.  He would get mad and not speak to me when I was sick, needed surgery, etc.  I was freakin' 40 years old before I stopped feeling guilty if I had to call in sick to work.  When I confronted him on this,  his excuse would be "Well, I'm just worried about you."   :roll:  I then said, "So when you are "worried", you are hateful?  That makes no sense."  Then he would shut up and pout for days on end. 

I stopped reporting any illnesses to him.  Also had to stop discussing things with my PD-flying monkey sister who would report to the PD father anything I told her that would stir our father up. 

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Sophie48

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Re: How does your PD parent react to being ill?
« Reply #29 on: June 20, 2017, 07:24:29 PM »
As a kid, I felt sorry for my mom. It seemed like she was always getting hurt around the house, or had a bad cold, or had chronic back pain. Her cuts often seemed to get infected, or "go down to the bone," her coughs/colds frequently seemed on the "verge of pneumonia" and her back hurt all the time. I thought she was accident prone, and fragile, but it wasn't a big deal. Unfortunately, though, when my dad had something serious, she not only blamed him for it, but screamed at him over it at the top of her lungs. They live at an altitude of over 7000', and my dad walked a strenuous walk every day to stay fit. He rode his bike at work before he retired, has never smoked or drank (unlike all his siblings) and eats healthily. His family has a history of heart disease, and he always seemed on a mission not to become another victim of it. One day, he felt more out of breath than usual during his walk. He got home, took his blood pressure, and ended up calling his doctor. It turned out, an artery was mostly blocked, and he needed immediate surgery. My mom screamed at him, and was livid, because when he got home from his walk that day, he didn't immediately go into panic mode and "confess" the issue to her. He got the same "screaming" treatment from her when he found out he had cancer. He called me because he seemed at a loss over her reaction, and I heard it myself... My mom also blames people who die for "leaving her." As a kid, it was confusing. I couldn't figure out why she would think anyone wanted to die, much less why they would go so far just to abandon her. She hasn't been diagnosed with bpd, but it's things like these that lead me to believe it's probably playing a part in her life. Rather than being guilted over her health issues, which, maybe over the years she's come to realize aren't something I've ever really worried much about, I get guilted about pretty much everything else. 🙃

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Sophie48

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Re: How does your PD parent react to being ill?
« Reply #30 on: June 20, 2017, 07:43:05 PM »
I just thought of one health-related thing that my mom has never let me forget; when I was about 4 years old, we were on a hike on a fairly steep hill. She fell and broke her knee cap. Apparently, I was responsible for making sure her shoes (favorites, from what I'm told) got back to the car. The story is, that, I forgot them on a bench. She never let me forget it, whenever the subject of her knee came up--which, for years it often did, because it bothered her well into my adulthood.

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doormat_nomore

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Re: How does your PD parent react to being ill?
« Reply #31 on: June 25, 2017, 11:29:33 PM »
This sounds very similar to my nBPD mom. She actually has many chronic health conditions (diabetes, high cholesterol, hypothyroidism, arthritis, etc.) and loves the attention she gets for being "ill" but she also doesn't do anything about any of these issues. She complains that all these illnesses are genetic...which I guess to some extent is true but mostly she has them because she is totally inactive and obese.

She also loves getting in accidents, a few weeks ago she dropped the car hood on her head and had to be "rushed" to the ER where she waited all day, the doctor sent her home but she was very excited to go to the ER twice more because she really felt she might have a brain injury.

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rmf

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Re: How does your PD parent react to being ill?
« Reply #32 on: June 27, 2017, 04:58:46 PM »
@Jenn, my mother is also a Waif/Queen.  I am 59 years old and I do not remember a day in my life when she has not been  ill.  It's always something, and its always something that the doctors can't identify, and no one else exhibits the same symptoms as she.
 LOL.

 It took me 54 years to realize that, except for unusual conditions, NO ONE is ill everyday of his/her life, with mystery illnesses.  You never get a straight answer out of her regarding her illnesses.  Also, when given options about treatments, she will choose the most intrusive and dramatic treatments of all.  Here is a true story:

In 2001, the Queen/Waif's mamo showed a lot of calcifications.  Her doctor and then a second doctor recommended watching them closing, or getting a lumpectomy for removal of the larger calcifications.  She shopped around several other doctors until she found one who said that she would not be happy with the lumpectomy and that there was a slight chance the calcifications could become malignant over time, so she might consider a mastectomy.  He referred to the calcifications as carcinoma insitu (sp).  Bingo. That is all she needed.  She told everyone he had breast cancer and she opted for  the mastectomy.  Not only that, but with reconstructive surgery, where the doctors re-create a real breast with fatty tissue from the abdominal area.   It took forever (12 months )for her to heal because she did not follow the doctors orders for the after care and she walked around with tubes/drains in her abdominal area for 12 months.  Then, she got an implant on the other breast because she wanted it to be as big as her new breast (rather than reduce the new breast).  Notwithstanding that she had implants in the 1970s and sued the implant manufacturer  for autoimmune disease. 

Fast forward to 2005 and she is taking medication for her mystery autoimmune disease that is given to cancer patients to protect their immune system during chemo.  So, now she is telling everyone she is takaing "my chemo drug.'  She claims to be losing her hair, and hints that she wants me to buy her a wig.  She really just wants a new wig because she is extremely vain.  It costs only $700 she says, which is a great deal, she says.    I don't buy into it, so she shaves her head, goes to the American Cancer Society, tells them that she she had breast cancer, is taking a chemo drug and has lost her hair.  They let her pick out 2 free wigs which of course, are made with human hair and quite expensive.  True story, I kid you not.

There was  time in my life when this ll would have seemed normal to me and I would have fallen for it hook, line and sinker.

  :doh:I

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Finding Courage

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Re: How does your PD parent react to being ill?
« Reply #33 on: June 30, 2017, 07:04:55 PM »
My mom loves the waif aspect of the illnesses.  It gives her more latitude to demand attention.  She is also obsessive about illness.