My Pandora Box

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ying

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My Pandora Box
« on: June 15, 2017, 01:04:22 AM »
 :wave: Hi Everyone

New member of this community. Going to type about a topic I had never talk to anyone in real life before.

Since young, I stayed with my grandmother (mum's mum), mum and sister. My parents don't stay together and my dad couldn't care less about us but they are not separately, legally. At times, my dad would come over for awhile and that's about it with his involvement in my life.

When I was around 10-12 years old (can't really remember), there's something wrong with my mum, she just suddenly changed into a different person. Started talking and laughing to herself, totally uncontrollable emotionally. I have 2 aunts that knows about her condition and when her episodes starts, mum will really hate to see them. There are often times police will show up at our house to bring her to the mental hospital, times when she starts shouting at us, hitting my grandmother, those kinda stuff. I remember sitting in the emergency room of the mental hospital for hours waiting for the doctor. Then, mum will get admitted a couple of weeks, comes out, back to normal.

Till this day I still do not know what triggered her episodes, my aunts said it's because we didn't acknowledge her when she comes back from work or misbehaving that upsets her. Rebellious is a forbidden word in my teenage years. Just because she has this condition, we have to let her have her way. I feel she is using this condition to guilt trip me. She keeps talking about the past during the relapse, about my grandmother making her marry my useless father. There's so many stories during her episodes but i think i will leave it for another time.

Last week, i made a decision to move over to my dad's place, told her about it, she agreed. However, just a few days ago, her episode started again, she begged me not to go via SMS, shouted at me when I told her my decision. Just last night, she gave me a tight slap on the face while I was sleeping (my left cheek still feels sore). I tried to reason it out with her but I guess you can never talk through to someone who doesn't want to listen.

I am so tired of living in fear. I don't know what to do. I don't want to upset her by moving because she might harm my grandmother (my grandmother is a stubborn soul, even if my mum would beat the crap out of her, she would still want to stay in that house) but I tremble when it's time to go home from work.

I need help.   

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FromTheSwamp

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Re: My Pandora Box
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2017, 02:54:49 AM »
It sounds like it isn't safe for you to stay there.  If you have a safer place to stay, you should choose the safer place.  If the family members you have been living with don't see this, they are not on your side. 

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ying

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Re: My Pandora Box
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2017, 03:53:34 AM »
Thanks for the advise! My aunt has been guilt tripping me by indirectly saying I am an ungrateful kid for the things my mum has done for me and that I didn't take care her well enough hence the episode. I am so tired of all these.  :-[
« Last Edit: June 15, 2017, 02:37:50 PM by Latchkey »

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daughterofbpd

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Re: My Pandora Box
« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2017, 07:37:58 AM »
Hi ying,
I'm sorry you are going through this. It is never a child's job to take care of a parent, especially on an emotional level. Your aunt is wrong in blaming you. If your mom does have a personality disorder, even if you work as hard as you can to please her, your work is never going to be enough for her, she will always want more from you. Was your mom diagnosed with a personality disorder? My mom has a psychotic episode only once (that I know of) and it was very scary.

You aren't in charge of protecting your grandmother. I understand that responsibility, I stayed in my parent's house far longer than was healthy in order to protect my dad & sister. Once I finally moved out, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. Your grandmother is an adult and is responsible for taking care of herself. She can call 911 if your mother gets out of control.

Again, I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this. It sounds like you were expected to grow up and be an adult at a young age. I hope you can shake the feelings of guilt - please know this isn't your fault and you must protect yourself. I hope that living with your dad works out for you.

Take care & good luck.
How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego
~ Amanda Torroni

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practical

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Re: My Pandora Box
« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2017, 08:34:42 AM »
Welcome to OOTF!

Your aunts are wrong, your M's moods aren't your responsibility and what they are telling you is cruel and emotional abusive on top of the chaos and abuse you already suffer at your M's hands. Your grandmother makes her own choices, she is an adult, so if she lets your M come back and live with her, that is her choice. You are now in a position to find a safe place for yourself, please don't be manipulated by your M to give up this chance.

Check out the Toolbox     for some help with your own healing and also on how to handle some of the situations. Check out the Leaving Checklist    , while it was written for people leaving a marriage it might still be helpful to you. Maybe read through the Disorders   section or the Top 100 Traits     and see whether this is useful and sounds familiar.

As your M has been to the mental hospital so many times, was there ever any attempt at family or individual therapy for you to help you? Was her diagnosis ever shared with you as sometimes knowing more can help you heal?

I hope you are able to get yourself to a better place.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Nerdgirl

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Re: My Pandora Box
« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2017, 08:52:33 AM »
You should look for some more safer place to go. so sorry to hear what you been through. Your aunt is totally wrong and mom will be fine once the emotions washes. I can understand the difficult situation you are in. Don't feel guilty learn to protect yourself. Good Luck!!

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ying

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Re: My Pandora Box
« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2017, 11:14:42 PM »
Thank you everyone for the kind words & advices.

There's 1 point i want to make it clear is that i do not have any suicidal thoughts, I have overcome that years ago on my own somehow. Because there are more beautiful stuff to experience in this world that I can't bear to let go.

It's just that when my mum has her episodes, it brings out the helpless & terrified me. I am chained to this word called family. It's not just a stigma having a PD mum, it's ignoring it when she needs help, a greater embarrassment. All these years, i have never had someone who told me 'hey, its totally ok to hide & heal for awhile, you don't need to deal with all these all the time..' it always 'why r u making her like that? Have u been a good enough daughter? Have u tried (whatever methods) there is for her?'

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practical

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Re: My Pandora Box
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2017, 11:26:20 PM »
ying, the 3C's Rule might really help you: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it." http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-3-cs-rule Part of it is to accept your own powerlessness, but also knowing that it isn't you who is the cause.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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daughterofbpd

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Re: My Pandora Box
« Reply #8 on: June 16, 2017, 02:29:06 PM »
 :yeahthat:

You can't force another person to get help, let alone a parent. She has to want to help herself.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Good luck & take care.
How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego
~ Amanda Torroni