NM really starting to unravel

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all4peace

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NM really starting to unravel
« on: June 16, 2017, 07:25:47 PM »
Spent most of last week in the hospital (totally fine now, complication of scarring, gut issues).

Mom was like a pinball, pinging all over the place. Please just trust me when I say that it is HIGHLY unlikely that she was actually worried or concerned. Here's how it went down:

1. DH notified parents.
2. uNM fretfully and tearfully pulled in GCbro, dad and sil into her office to weep and be rather dramatic. According to sil, bro remained stony faced (hypothesis is that he is way too aware of mom's real nature and totally unwilling to feed the narc)
3. NM calls DH, tells him they're racing to the hospital, DH tries to argue, NM hangs up.
4. I find out in hospital, insist DH call them back immediately and call them off. Hadn't even talked to doctor yet, nobody was welcome at that time.
5. Fairly normal random texting, 2 days of nothing, finally a call 4 days into week. Fairly normal.
6. See parents 1 entire day on weekend, mom greets me with a hello and vague pat on the arm, doesn't speak to me entire day. Nicely sends us home with a couple meals.
7. I thank mom for meal, at which point she informs me that it is absolutely full of a food item I cannot eat. And something that is directly related to what sent me to the hospital in the first place (at least partly related). She never, ever gives us food with this item in it. She herself cannot eat this and is FULLY aware of the situation. And yet has just sent me home with it literally the day after I got out of the hospital. All future communication about this is defensive or bewildered but not once apologetic.

DH is furious! He thinks she deliberately did this. I'm not willing to go that far, but it is incredibly bizarre and I cannot come up with a good explanation.

Same month, she has begun telling family members of my sister's "anger problems," didn't notify a single other sibling that a family member was hospitalized, broke the ONLY spoken boundary I have with her and my kids (the day I saw her this week), has a sister and a church member who are no longer speaking to her and is just generally pinging all over the place.

I don't want to see my mom suffer. But I do wonder, when an N starts to unravel, does it go really fast and is it horribly ugly?

What I'm working on in my head: A letter informing my parents that life is short, these middle years of working and raising kids are hard, and that they either find a way to be consistently kind, honest and supportive of our family, or drift even further to the periphery of our lives. I plan to tell them I will not argue or give examples or listen to excuses. I am not their parent, and they need to figure this out themselves. I may even suggest therapy as a good resource for them. I am so entirely fed up.

Nothing like a crisis to get PDs even worse than usual.  :stars:

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carrots

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Re: NM really starting to unravel
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2017, 08:57:54 PM »
7. I thank mom for meal, at which point she informs me that it is absolutely full of a food item I cannot eat. And something that is directly related to what sent me to the hospital in the first place (at least partly related). She never, ever gives us food with this item in it. She herself cannot eat this and is FULLY aware of the situation. And yet has just sent me home with it literally the day after I got out of the hospital.

 :stars:  :stars:  :stars: on NM's behaviour. I'm sorry you're dealing with this on top of everything else. I can understand your being fed up. I hope your letter to them works out better than my letters to FOO have ever worked out. As you say, you are not going to JADE, so that will help I'm sure. Good luck to you.

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all4peace

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Re: NM really starting to unravel
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2017, 11:26:37 PM »
I would send a letter with the intention of giving her advance warning, of being in full support of 2 of my siblings (1 who just tried to talk to mom and dad and was hung out to dry, another who is considering doing the same), and of giving dad a heads up that her behavior is jeopardizing his relationships with his kids and grandkids. I don't expect her to change. I expect her to fake better, more consistently. Maybe I've lost my mind to even consider doing this.

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raindrop

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Re: NM really starting to unravel
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2017, 03:28:40 AM »
Wow! That is truly bizarre behaviour... She's resenting your boundary setting more perhaps?

Maybe its not a bad idea to send the letter - you know why you're sending it, you're not expecting real change so that's good.
It sounds like you are wanting to inform them how you expect to be treated. It could be a good to have it in writing so you can refer back to it when the boundaries are transgressed. To help remind you as well.

Best of luck deciding, it sounds like a very confusing and crazy making situation!
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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Malini

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Re: NM really starting to unravel
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2017, 11:52:35 AM »
Is she slowly unraveling or are you seeing the behaviours for what they are, because after dealing with your inlaws, your frames of reference have changed?

1-7 are all not good in my eyes, and it does sound as if the food preparation was deliberate and passive aggressive.

As for the letter, perhaps you can write it but not send it immediately, and see how you feel in a couple of days.

Sorry you have to deal with this, you are fending stuff off from all corners at the moment, must be so draining.

 :hug:
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"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
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all4peace

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Re: NM really starting to unravel
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2017, 12:34:18 PM »
Is she slowly unraveling or are you seeing the behaviours for what they are, because after dealing with your inlaws, your frames of reference have changed?
Thanks for your kind support!

I think it's a bunch of things
--she's probably an aging N, and losing power and control and vitality and seemingly really having a tough time with that. I think she's actually getting worse.
--we're (siblings and spouses) coming Out of the FOG, we're sharing notes, so we're aware of ALL the issues she's having and not just those that directly concern us.
--I think she's aware that we're sharing notes, as when we have sibling time together she is asking us to not "bash her" since she's not there to defend herself. It's sad and kind of sick. So, valid or not, I think she's getting worse because she's feeling vulnerable and not the controlling witch-queen at the top anymore.
--at some point in the last 10 years, she seems to have lost all her friends. She is focusing on the people 2 generations younger. This is not a good place for her to find support, wisdom and guidance as she navigates this life transition into retirement/older years.
--she's creating her own echo chamber, in which anyone who has a problem with her is "angry and just not a happy person" instead of recognizing that there is a pattern of people leaving relationship with her.
--her pride is more important to her than her relationships. She will let them crash and burn rather than admit she might have issues she needs to work on. I don't even really care if she hates me. I just need her to behave in front of my kids. If it comes to choosing between her and my marriage/child relationships, I will choose my FOC.
--and, yes, I hit a wall. I had a breaking point and I nearly reached it. I am totally out of energy for dysfunctional relationships, including my parents. It used to be better in our adult life, but they also cannot handle any kind of request/boundary/criticism. Just asking them to please not speak to my ILs about our relationships with my ILs sent my parents into a downward spiral that we haven't pulled out of. I really am not sure what I was supposed to do differently except for never, ever dare to "cross" my parents in any way.

For some reason, DH's and my mothers seem to believe they can have it all--grandkid relationships, contempt for their offspring, a Happy Family image, and in the middle of it all we will simply let them behave as badly as they want to.  :stars:

It's draining, but it's also enlightening. I now have/had the courage to fend off FMs from the ILs this past week and to block ILs who I just don't want to deal with any more. I've been cleaning house relationship wise all the way around.

I'm trying not to think too much about the food-mom connection. When I still shared things about ILs with my mom, I told her of a couple times I was highly suspicious MIL had deliberately fed me special food that had the ingredient I cannot tolerate. Mom would remember that for sure. I don't know if she's testing me, daring me to accuse her, or what. With the ILs doing this, I would chalk it more up to a total disdain and disbelief that people have food "intolerances." With my mom, it would be a far more hostile action since she herself has this very food intolerance. It would be very, very hostile 1 day after I got out of the hospital. I'm not ready to accuse or fully entertain that thought. But I will now be avoiding food from both the mothers. What a crazy world, or what a crazy person I have become. I shared this situation with a handful of friends, and every single one of them was horrified, bewildered or angry. Not a single person told me I was seeing it wrong, or that it must have been a simple misunderstanding, or justified my mom in any way. And DH and one good friend thought it was deliberate.

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FromTheSwamp

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Re: NM really starting to unravel
« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2017, 04:02:14 PM »
"--she's creating her own echo chamber, in which anyone who has a problem with her is "angry and just not a happy person" instead of recognizing that there is a pattern of people leaving relationship with her."

Yes, people who spend time with her are angry and not happy, but they are probably just fine when she's not around. 

My mother seems almost deliberately obtuse about my food intolerances.  She used to always be handing me food I can't eat without getting unpleasantly ill, but I stopped accepting any food from her and she eventually stopped offering it.  I never considered the possibility that it was deliberate on her end, but knowing what i know now I wouldn't put it past her. 

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all4peace

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Re: NM really starting to unravel
« Reply #7 on: June 21, 2017, 12:12:44 PM »
FromTheSwamp, that's horrible. My uNM was absolutely hyperfocused on my GCbro having the same food intolerance she has. She really seemed to want to share that with him. Our entire childhood and into adulthood, she focused on that. While I literally DID have the same one and simply didn't understand the signs for it, and of course uNM wasn't at all focused on anything that was happening in my mind or body. I see it as a way to be openly hostile, or at the very least as another way to minimize and "not see" us.

In uNM's case, regarding the echo chamber, these people are actually NOT being angry with her. My sister described her incredibly calm conversation with mom. It's just that uNM is hypersensitive to any sort of criticism and immediately identifies it as "angry." When I once texted her "Please respond to my texts when they involve my kids (visiting)", she called enraged over my "nasty" text and could not let go of how "nasty" it was.


(trigger) As for the food, not pleased to see blood from my digestive tract yesterday. Of course mom hasn't checked in even once to see how I'm doing after the hospital stay, or after her food. Kind of incredible that the 2 people who could be the most loving and supportive people in our lives (our Ms) have both given me food after which I pooped blood.

Perhaps saddest of all is that my siblings and spouses are just burning out. GCbro deals with her on a nearly daily basis, lovely SIL also, sister just had 2 confrontations with both M and F that went badly, and everyone is burned out. I don't want to be the constant negative person, as we're all trying to cope with our families, our jobs, our parents....but it also seems insane to me that it's so exhausting that I literally will not just tell them "Hey, mom gave me food she knows I can't eat 1 day after I left the hospital, and now I'm pooping blood." It seems like PDs can get away with so much because decent people eventually get too exhausted to keep exposing it to each other.

Like last summer when mom lied to my niece, lied to my sister, and then was so hurt and weepy and "didn't feel safe being alone with niece" because "niece was lying about her!" And the next day when she lied to our SILs in a way that would give her time alone with SILs and exclude my sister and I. And the day after that when she outright bald-faced lied to me about another situation. Who can keep up? Who wants to keep exposing it? I know my siblings know it's bad, but they just don't want to deal with it anymore and I feel that's a dangerous place to be. Not to mention the anger I feel that someone as disordered as my uNM will in a sense be getting protection that she doesn't deserve.

Blech. Just feeling frustrated and angry. No wonder people choose NC. Life has too many better things that require our energy.

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daughterofbpd

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Re: NM really starting to unravel
« Reply #8 on: June 21, 2017, 02:22:11 PM »
A "heads up" letter might be a good idea - or a time out at the very least. It sounds like you could use a break. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this.

I think you mentioned before that NM speaks to your kids while ignoring you and DH? I wonder if she added the special ingredient in order to make sure the food went to the kids and not to you? Her way of appearing to be considerate to you but really just bypassing you to get to the grandkids again? Could be way off base, but just a thought.

My BPDm brought us dinner once when I was pregnant and it was something she knows DH does not like. She got to appear to be thoughtful, we were forced into acting grateful (because manners), and yet the gesture was actually quite rude and thoughtless. So frustrating.

Wishing you luck with everything.
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