Proud of myself but still have mixed emotions

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blacksheep7

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Proud of myself but still have mixed emotions
« on: June 20, 2017, 02:39:49 PM »
Hi all,

This is my first thread!  I haven't been on the board lately mostly reading. I was busy with the grandkids, helping out DD, the whole family was sick, one by one.  Everyone is doing fine now.

For those who don't know my story, we were physically and emotionally abused.  My NF was  a very controlling man, always screaming and yelling.  We would walk on eggshells.  He traumatized us. My covertm (today), a widow,  was a submissive wife, frivolous  with not much education.  I would push her away when she tried to hug me.  She was part of NF, in my eyes.   I am the second of four, my brother the oldest left home at 17 after an altercation with NF. My story isn't any different than most of you here so I will spare the details of the past.  I suffered from depression, general anxiety and panic attacks and unhealthy relationships, one after another. I am the only one that came OOTF. 

I had noticed very early on how my mother was a people pleaser, couldn't speak her mind. Still puts NF on a pedestal, saying we were bad kids.   She lived in NF shadow, became a widow in 2008 and that's when I saw how she couldn't handle much which I wasn't surprised. I tried to be the dutiful daughter. I got the tantrums etc.... I went nc for 3 years for my mental well being.  We reconnected but I was still in the fog.  I was working and didn't have internet, had read a book but I still had much to learn.

Fast forward to 2015 when oldest brother came back in our lives after 35 years because his wife died, because he was alone, now.   I thought we were good friends when we were younger, being only 15 moths apart. We saw him about 5 times in all. He hardly called on xmas holidays or my birthday.  When he was in town, it was only on her side of the family.  Wasn't interested in knowing his blood  nieces and nephews.  He is a people pleaser, to say it honestly, a muppet,co-dep alcoholic, addict went along with what his wife wanted and she didn't want anything to do with us (the whole family) even though we tried several times.  He didn't even show as a Godfather to his nephew's baptismal, my other brother's son so just that says a lot.  Well, we all forgave him. That is when I found out who my brother really was, who he became because I did not know him as an adult.  He is now my covertm surrogate husband.  He looks like him too!  lol  We went on vacation with them for a week and bro was drunk for 3 days, disrespected his mother and us.  I went nc.  I had it with him.   My NM did not like that I went nc and was pushing me to speak to him again, using emotional blackmail etc... She enabled him and started complaining as a victim to my other sibs, making me look like the "bad girl" because I reacted in anger.  I said to myself, WTF, the past is back!  I went vvvlc with covertm seeing her at family gatherings such as baby showers, birthdays etc..   I never had much feelings for her not having any validation of support from her.  She liked to mock and use sarcasm and when I would tell her "why do you say that", she would reply, you are the only one who complains.   I came to a point that she disgusted me, showing others: perfection, kindness & love. 
I let time pass reading books, learning from this board and other members on it which I appreciated very much!

The family was celebrating her 85th birthday.  My sister organized it and my first though was not to go.  Then I changed my mind figuring that I would give it a try after all I've learned.  I showed up with flowers, nothing else, no card.  She was happy, cried and held me, I let her.  She called me the next day to thank me for going and that it "touched her deeply".  I was on the other line, so I listened to her, about a min telling her I was already on the phone but I didn't call her back, didn't want to.  We talked several times at the restaurant and with her we covered it all, the kids, and grandkids, plus they were there.

I called her last Friday because she was going to Europe with "surrogate husband" for a couple of weeks so I just wanted to wish her a nice trip.  She was happy but was quick to point out "it's been a long time" and "you didn't call me back when I thanked you for coming to my bday party"   So this is where I am proud, I answered softly but firmly, yes it's been a long time and no I didn't call you back, I listened to what you had to say when you called.  She didn't comment on that and went about the usual, how are the kids, grandkids....not how I was, just asked where I was going on vacation this summer.

I accomplished a big step, for me,  I did not react in anger.   My feelings for my mother have not changed.  I like to see her with other people around, not too close for comfort, not my cup of tea.   My mixed emotions are that I'm not sure that my feelings will change, towards her.  I called her but I still feel the same, not much interest.

Can it change?  I don't see it in the futur.  :upsidedown:












I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
 Maya Angelou

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Proud of myself but still have mixed emotions
« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2017, 03:01:26 PM »
Hello blacksheep7, welcome to OOTF!

I don't think your feelings towards your mom will ever change. For me, I feel like a switched has been turned off that can never be turned on again. Some bridges are burnt too bad to repair. I understand why you'd want to - because the relationship feels so empty and superficial - you feel like there has to be something more. But for us to open our hearts again means opening ourselves to get hurt again, so maybe it's for the best. I think the best thing is to keep LC and get the love and support we need from our FOC.

Good luck in your journey.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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blacksheep7

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Re: Proud of myself but still have mixed emotions
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2017, 03:55:22 PM »
daughterofbpd,

Thank you for responding.  Deep down, I kind of figured that my feelings wouldn't change but I needed confirmation from someone who has been through that.   I can relate that a switch has been turned off.  I had the dimmer on before, if you know what I mean.  Too much has happened, too many disappointments and hurt.

I have been building my relationships with my kids and that's what is more important to me now.  I give them what I didn't when they were younger, emotional support as I didn't know how.  I go towards people who offer unconditional love.  Yes, my FOC!

I will remain LC.

I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
 Maya Angelou