Refusing to be Victimized

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Refusing to be Victimized
« on: June 18, 2017, 09:20:09 PM »
On another post, I read about all the fears and trepidations that a new person experiences in posting their story online. Doubts such as will my story be believed, will I be thought of as crazy because I was married to someone who has a mental illness and refuses to acknowledge it. But after 40 years, having been married to this spouse for 15 of those years, the Sociopathology continues because we share a disabled child  whom I am not allowed to see because I am too poor to hire an attorney and go to family court.

It started with a very serious mistake of marrying this individual who is from a North African country. He's not African - he is North African.  We had two children and for the first four years of our marriage, he was spending most of his time with a woman from his office. When he traveled overseas for his work, she went with him and he finally confessed it after four years. I birthed our first two children by myself because he was with her. Our second child was born normal just like the first one but the doctor overdosed her on a malaria prophylaxis medication in anticipation of us all going to west Africa with him for his work. After several years and a long trial, I won a medical malpractice lawsuit against the doctor and the pharmacist.
We had moved to North Africa and were still there when the case against the pharmacist settled but we had returned to the United States by the time trial settlement came through.  Shortly after we came back to the United States, my mother died and I inherited $760,000 from my grandfather.  After a very turbulent 15 years of marriage and many affairs on the part of my husband, I still decided that it was either my money or my marriage and I decided to trust him with my money in order to potentially save the marriage - since he was supposedly an economist. I lost every penny of it within nine months. He also took control of our handicapped child's award money from the trial, which was $6.5 million ($13 million over lifetime - amortized). At that point, he no longer needed me and he was underhandedly and deceptively making attempts to separate me from my children.

From North Africa, we relocated to an eastern state and I told him I was coming back to California to visit my uncle, which I was. But I also needed to get away from the situation. It was not premeditated but one evening I just felt like I needed to leave that very morning or if I took my children to school, including the handicapped child, I would not see them again when I came home. So I packed my car and drove to California with my housekeeper who came with us from his country. He later paid her to testify against me in court and say that I was a terrible and negligent mother.

He subsequently had me arrested on my birthday with a falsified Writ of Habeas Corpus telling the judge that I had kidnapped my own children. When we went to court, I won custody of my children.

To shorten the story, I lost custody of my daughter because my probate attorney died in a plane crash and her associate "lost" all of my probate records that I had written In Pro Per.

Having grown up with boundaryless parents, I had no idea of boundaries and I met a man who was too aggressive for me and he was alcoholic and a pregnancy happened with him and I birthed my son. Then I got married a second time and birthed a daughter. That second husband walked out when my daughter was three months old and my son was a year and a half.

I single-parented these two children without a solid career, only with multiple low-paying jobs, and for six years I moved out of state for purely economic reasons- to better support my children with no child support. (Yes, I tried to get child support - to no avail).

I returned to my home state after my last two children graduated high school. Before I moved out of state, when I was in the same city as my ex-husband, he would not allow me to see my handicapped daughter and once when his new wife brought her to me, it was for 15 minutes at a Starbucks.

Recently, he called me and told me he wants to see me be more involved with our disabled child and said that he is moving to my city so that she can be closer to family. (We are both in the same state).

Then he asked for my address to update some legal issues regarding my daughter. I received a petition for Conservatorship appointing his wife as Conservator of my daughter- which I am not contesting. But In the document is a phrase that states that only our adult son and daughter are to be consulted if my ex's wife makes any changes to my child's residence.

I made a mistake and asked a simple question of my adult son and daughter via text: I asked if they had approved of the wording in the document that excluded me - her birth mother - from being consulted should changes be made with my daughter.

Oh, my... that started a huge brouhaha! My ex- has so villainized me over the years, or simply negated the value of my existence to our shared children, and even to MY daughter that is not his ... and they have bought into it completely.

I recently started asking to see my daughter now that I am a new empty nester... and to do what he asked me to do... to be more involved with my daughter. My requests are now met with such vile letters from him (two so far) that I can only wish that a court-appointed psychiatrist could see them. I cannot hire an attorney and he knows this, so he finds any sickening reason to keep me from seeing my handicapped daughter.

After 40 years with him in my life, the nightmare is not over.

I write him back very respectful letters just asking for a few minutes with my child and this prompts yet another vile and villainous letter.

I feel that this situation is so enormous that it is a spiritual stronghold that I will never win. I have lost not only the handicapped child, but our (shared) son and daughter, and my own daughter as well, to his poisoned and pathological thinking about my intrinsic value as a human being and as a "derelict" mother to my children.

I have lost four of my five children to this man.

Only my son (out of wedlock) sees clearly and is very devoted to me, knowing that I did the best I could do as a mother who raised them single-handedly. While mothering the last two, I earned some college degrees; however, living in a very expensive state, I still do not have the means to do anything but take this on my knees.

 And so I pray and I will write him back yet another respectful request to see my daughter. I am keeping all his responses and will assemble them in a notebook. Maybe someday, I can show the court that at least I attempted to see my daughter.

It sure would be nice if someone out there understands what it is like to live with a consummate sociopath. Oh, a judge in the east coast state recognized and labeled him as sociopathic. I did not know what that meant at the time. Now, I unfortunately do.

Blessings to all who have to still live in a similar nightmare.



Tootsie Roll

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Re: Refusing to be Victimized
« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2017, 10:59:08 PM »
Hey CS.  That was heavy duty stuff.  I have a stress free, simple life in comparison.

The best advice I can give you is to check out the Resources tab of this site, read the threads and ask questions.  There are some great moderators here, they will probably reach out in the next couple days and respond to this thread. 

I'd say your first step now comes in not repeating the mistakes of the past.  Focus on being the best, most moral individual you can be.  Yes, others will judge negatively - that is their right.  All you can do is take the high road, the road less traveled, the road that is not easy, but, is strong, and conscientious and honorable. 

And, good luck. 
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.  To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own future.  To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.