Good read - PAS and custody

  • 10 Replies
  • 1262 Views
*

A_newlife2014

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1041
Good read - PAS and custody
« on: June 19, 2017, 12:53:20 AM »
Hi, came across this article over the weekend, I think it's a very interesting read and provides good insight into how our courts are working today in regards to custody issues with a PD.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-parental-alienation-syndrome-is-changing-custody_us_5939d367e4b094fa859f1719

Edit: Sorry mods, maybe more for the Separating & Divorcing board, meant to post there ...
« Last Edit: June 19, 2017, 12:54:51 AM by A_newlife2014 »

*

Whiteheron

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 2777
Re: Good read - PAS and custody
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2017, 09:45:25 AM »
I am horrified. stbx is trying to do this to me right now...we're not very far into the process yet, but he keeps claiming in affidavits that I am turning the kids against him. He can only cite one example where I allegedly told my daughter I was angry at him for something or another (this "event" occurred years ago...never realized it before but a friend recently pointed out that he has serious issues with me being angry). But he keeps bringing it up. He truly believes I am the reason the kids don't trust him (despite his repeated violations of their privacy) and don't want to spend a lot of time with him (I think they can sense the fake or that something's off). His L has already said stbx isn't involved in the children's life because I'm too controlling.  :( Why does it feel like everything's in place to help the abuser? He likes to say he always gets what he wants. I can only hope the courts see his crazy in the affidavits he's submitted.  I feel sick.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

*

turtlemama

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 319
Re: Good read - PAS and custody
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2017, 10:40:39 AM »
What about when it is the abuser who is doing the PA?  He has not made any claims against me (except a false police report and lies about finances) but he is actively trying to alienate DS.  I think this is also a common situation, where the abuser continues the abuse against the child as PA which is emotional abuse.  I wonder how the judge sees this.

I had read many horror stories similar to the one in the article and have been extra careful to not be seen as controlling or alienating.  It mainly involves just being a loving parent, not saying anything bad about the other parent, letting him have extra parenting time here and there.  It makes me sick to my stomach that uPD can't do the same.  Why he insists on telling DS details of the divorce, lies about me, any manipulation he can, which upsets DS!  I wonder what standard of evidence the court relies on to prove PA?  Does the testimony of young children count?

It makes me sick too Whiteheron thinking about what he is doing to DS, and how he is trying to interfere with my relationship with DS. 

*

Stepping lightly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1025
Re: Good read - PAS and custody
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2017, 10:45:34 AM »
We had court documented PA by BM, we and the kids are emotionally abused by BM in an ongoing manner and she still won full custody.  There is a long way to go in this area.

*

Whiteheron

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 2777
Re: Good read - PAS and custody
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2017, 04:03:14 PM »
We had court documented PA by BM, we and the kids are emotionally abused by BM in an ongoing manner and she still won full custody.  There is a long way to go in this area.

How is that possible? How can the courts send the kids to live with their emotional abuse full time?
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

*

Stepping lightly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1025
Re: Good read - PAS and custody
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2017, 10:58:34 AM »
The magic of a completely manipulative PD.  Her abusive behavior- explained away as PTSD from HER alleged abuse during the marriage (which seasoned therapists actually called BS on, she did not have PTSD, she had a developmental issue...a PD- but she shut down those therapists so they couldn't testify).  She convinced a judge to give the kids their own attorney, which we fought due to the PA, and lost.  At a very young age the kids were forced to choose a parent.  The kids...as expected  were terrified to go against BM...and told the attorney everything BM wanted them to.....and the attorney and PC met with BM behind our backs for months....building her case for her...because they believed her victim story.....I'll give her credit on being quite brilliant.....now the kids are horribly miserable and feel terrible guilt for what they've done.  Way to go children's advocates- you really screwed these kids.

*

WesternLover

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 259
Re: Good read - PAS and custody
« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2017, 03:03:13 PM »
This is a very sickening and jaw-dropping article, but thanks for sharing it so we have a better idea of what we're up against.  My son's father is trying to petition the court right now to drop the Restraining Order I filed against him. In his petition he claimed I "arbitrarily cut off phone contact" with DS. Meanwhile I cut off phone contact a few months after he told our son to run away and meet him at the airport. It was at that point I started supervising their phone calls. This drove PD dad even more crazy and he accused me of being a control freak.  I eventually cut off phone contact because PD dad started sending my husband vulgar and profane text messages about doing degrading things to me sexually. "She likes it when you bleep in her face..." and it got even more graphic from there. (none of it was true I may add.) Then he started in with non-stop harassing calls to my husband, myself and my mother, incessant text messages as well, calling 911 and sending the police to our house.

But hey, I'm a control freak who arbitrarily cut off phone contact.  Reading this I know he and his lawyer are going to go the parental alienation route. I'm especially worried too because my son blurted out to his friend recently, in front of me, "my dad is a psychopath".  And I will admit at the height of the harassment, which led to the restraining order, I did out of anger and being at the end of my rope blurt out - "Your dad is a psychopath!!!"  I regretted doing it. I can see that it will now come back to haunt me, particularly if he is interviewed by the court. I explained to DS that I was really angry and upset, and I never should have called his father that, and won't again, but it's probably too late. :doh:

*

Stepping lightly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1025
Re: Good read - PAS and custody
« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2017, 07:49:39 PM »
Westernlover, I think if you own what you said and that you regret it, that will go a long way.  Its the incessant brainwashing that is so bad.

*

WesternLover

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 259
Re: Good read - PAS and custody
« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2017, 11:48:38 PM »
Good idea, Stepping Lightly, the honesty that is... I think it's hard not get so caught up in what we should and shouldn't say in court, we also have to remember "the truth will set you free".  If the court asks if I ever put my son's dad down or called him names, I'll just respond that I've tried not to, but at times I have, which is the truth. I guess it's better than lying about it and my son telling the truth. I believe in being accountable and honest anyways.

A few things jump out at me reading the heartbreaking case of the woman, "Jacyln", in this article.  The first sentence of the article talks about how she had just moved to Ohio with her kids to start a new life. I know she did that innocently, and her ex either didn't care at the time and/or baited her into it, but unfortunately I think that is what hurt her the most.

We learn later in the article her abusive PD ex lives in the state of California. My case is an interstate custody as well, and she unknowingly violated the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Act (UCCJA).  Basically this act was created:

"In 1968, the Uniform Law Commissioners promulgated the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Act (UCCJA).  By 1981, every state had adopted this Uniform Act.  UCCJA was designed to discourage interstate kidnapping of children by their non-custodial parents. Before the UCCJA, it was a common practice for non-custodial parents to take children across state lines.  They hoped to find sympathetic courts willing to reverse unfavorable custody orders.  In too many cases, they were successful.

The UCCJA operates upon novel principles that 1) establish jurisdiction over a child custody case in one state; and, 2) protect the order of that state from modification in any other state, so long as the original state retains jurisdiction over the case.  If a non-custodial parent cannot take a child to another state and petition the court of that state for a favorable modification of an existing custody order, the incentive to run with the child is greatly diminished."
 
You can read more about here:
http://www.uniformlaws.org/ActSummary.aspx?title=Child%20Custody%20Jurisdiction%20and%20Enforcement%20Act

The state of California had jurisdiction over those children, which is a major reason they were forced to go back to California. Also the court REALLY frowns up a parent taking their children out of state like this, so it may be one reason the father almost won sort of by default. This was a HUGE mark against her.  The scary thing though is that the court did nothing even after the kids were reporting abuse  >:( :(  Why would they still keep the kids there in light of that information is pretty baffling and frightening to me. I don't think the PD dad would have done as well if she hadn't taken them out of state. She still may have had at least 50% custody had she stayed in California and not moved to Ohio.

Also this sentence jumps out at me: "In the three years since litigation began, Jaclyn has moved back to California to be near her kids and the unfolding case."  She should have moved back with them immediately. It sounds like to me she stayed behind in Ohio for sometime, which probably also made it easier for the dad to win. Sadly, maybe she couldn't move back. Maybe she just started a new job and/or signed a lease and was stuck. What a horrible situation.

In my case I moved while my son was still in utero. Therefore he was born in my state, and my state's courts had jurisdiction. His father's state couldn't touch the case, and he has to come to our state for all hearings.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2017, 11:59:46 PM by WesternLover »

*

Stepping lightly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1025
Re: Good read - PAS and custody
« Reply #9 on: June 21, 2017, 10:21:05 AM »
Westernlover, we are all human and "most" judges realize that.  The way it played out in court for our PD was like this, attorney- "did you call the Kids' father ABC in front of them", PD, "yes, they have every right to know their father is an ABC"-   that's the Narc- always knows best for her kids.  She learned from that experience and now knows the judge doesn't agree with some of those things.  Unfortunately, our awesome judge was out sick when our case hit the fan- otherwise things would be very different now.

Will your PD own up to the things he said to DS and you/DH?  Your explanation seems pretty tight to me :-)

*

Whiteheron

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 2777
Re: Good read - PAS and custody
« Reply #10 on: June 21, 2017, 11:34:51 AM »
I've been doing more research so I can arm myself...just in case stbx tries to go this route. Found a helpful website. Haven't had time to get very far, but seems helpful
https://www.parentalalienation.com/articles/symptoms-parental-alienation.html

I am guilty of #15. I have broken down in the face of stbx's massive hoovering. Twice. Not in front of the kids, when they were out of the house with him. But my son walked in on me as I was wiping my tears.  :(

I can see a lot of FILs behaviors on this list.

I'm currently reading about the three types of parental alienators. I think this is what stbx is trying to do to me - win the kids over to him, so that they ignore/don't want to spend time with me. He needs to be the preferred parent. HIs methods would be so subtle, not sure they would be picked up on.

Thanks anewlife for starting this thread! Very useful information out there.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.