Can you please give me a little support real quick?

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Dinah-sore

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Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« on: June 24, 2017, 12:34:28 AM »
Hi guys, so I finally did it. My T told me this week to try taking my BPDm off my gps for just a few hours, so that I can FEEL the freedom and really savor it. And if I cave and put her back on, that is okay, I am building strength. So yesterday I did. I was at home, but I figured I would shut down my gps for a few hours. It felt good. So good in fact that I couldn't bring myself to set it back up. Yesterday I received 10 texts from BPDm asking me to turn it back on, several phone calls, and several social media messages--telling me to hurry up and set it back up because she can't breathe until she can see my gps location (I was at home).

Today it continued, and escalated. She finally said again to put it back on. I took a small step and told her "I will think about it." Which is HUGE. She was flabbergasted. Shocked and angry. She got off the phone with me in a fit. Then she called back and said in a stern voice if she has done something to offend me. I said no, but that no one my age has their parent tracking their GPS and it makes me feel like a child. She was crying hard, acting like I was seriously hurting her. She got off the phone. My D later told me that he saw her face when I told her over the  phone and the blood drained out of it and she looked like I had shot her. She is in severe pain. Which shows me that she really does have some difficulties and stuff.

She has been snippy with me the other times she has called for other reasons today. I have been warm, but firm. I don't know where my strength came from. I felt guilty, I still do. I feel anxious, and short of breath, and nauseous. I told myself to hold on and wait it out. That I knew it would get bad. But she will get over it. I watched a Ross Rosenberg video on codependency recovery stages, where he warns that when you start to set boundaries the closest people to you will be horribly angry.

Tonight she called back about vacation and we were having our first good talk in days, laughing about a past vacation, and she asks, "are you sure you want to go on vacation with a stalker?" I was confused so I asked who is the stalker? And she said I am calling her my stalker. Then she told me that she knows she is crazy, but she just needs it. And she doesn't stalk me, she hardly ever checks it (which isn't true), and that basically I know I am hurting her, and I have no good reason. If she doesn't often check it, why can she not breathe when I turn it off for a few hours? I need to realize that her anxiety is important and help her with it. I told her that gps doesn't tell her when I am in trouble. That I will call her if I need help. She said that is stupid, because if I need help I won't be able to call her. But she doesn't see that she can only know my location but not if I am in trouble.

Anyways, I have held my ground; I am not going to set it back up. But I am dealing with the fallout, and need some encouragement. It is HUGE that I spoke my feelings. I can't believe I did this. I know talking to my T has helped me so much. This is just one issue, but it feels symbolic of my first stand in independence. I just need someone to tell me that enabling her anxiety isn't proof of my love for her. That I can still show her love and  be a good daughter; that I am not trying to hurt her. That her tracking my gps isn't normal, or healthy, and I am not unreasonable. In my head I believe that, but my heart feels guilty. Like maybe it is okay if she tracks me and not a big deal, why hurt her? But is this her emotional manipulation--FOG? I believe she is sincerely panicked over this, but there is some fog she is throwing my way too, right????

But I need to grow up. I need to be an adult and I don't want to feel smothered anymore. I don't want to be codependent; I need to be my own grown person.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2017, 12:36:43 AM by Dinah-sore »
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2017, 02:19:22 AM »
That's HUGE!  And wonderful!  I'm so proud of you!    :cheer: :boogie: :chestbump: :yahoo:

If she's going to behave like a toddler about a GPS tracker on a grown-ass woman (I don't care if it causes her anxiety.  There are MANY more important things to worry about in life than your whereabouts!), I'd be rethinking that family vacation.

She is *extended family.*  She can stay home and fret, while you and your FOC go off and have *fun* together.   :yes:

She did get it right - she IS a stalker, complete with non-stop calls, too.   :aaauuugh:

That's the next thing I'd think about curbing - the unlimited phone access.

She is responsible for her *own* emotions.  It's not your job to help her manage them.  If she needs help managing them, she should look into a psychiatrist, who can provide not only T, but medication to ease her symptoms.

You are NOT a human anti-anxiety medication.  You are a human *being.* 

I know she's laying on the guilt thick and fast, but you have *nothing to feel guilty about.* 

The feeling of guilt implies you know you did something wrong - and you did nothing wrong, at all.

She's the one who should be ashamed of herself and *get the help she needs* rather than what she thinks she *deserves* from you.

One by one, you *can* peel her fingers away and loosen the strangle-hold she has on you and your life.   :)

Having had an unBPD Didi in my life, I can promise you one thing:  it will be *HARD.*

But it's also necessary - and you HAVE to win these battles over who controls your life, even if it means severely limiting her access to you, or going NC.

And it *can be done.*  I'm living proof.   :heythere:

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life - GPS free!   8-)

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practical

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2017, 09:21:35 AM »
:cheer: :phoot: Amazing step to independence and your own life!

You didn't do anything wrong, you did something incredibly reasonable, you restored some level of normalcy because NO, parents don't track their adult children by GPS.

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Then she called back and said in a stern voice if she has done something to offend me.
My answer would have been "Yes, you treat me like a child and like I'm your medicine not like I'm an independent human being and adult with her own life and family. I'm not an extension of yours and it isn't my job to calm your feelings. I'm not a human security blanket."

And yes, she is stalking you! It is like a fixation she has and it is an unhealthy fixation.

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I need to realize that her anxiety is important and help her with it.
Absolutely and adamantly not your job! You aren't some human Xanax. If something like this so upsets her that she goes white as a sheet it is high time she see a psychiatrist, even her GP might do it for starters. She has totally parentified you, where you are responsible for the feelings of a grown woman, you are NOT. They are her emotions, they are hers to address. Reread the entries for Rescuer Syndrome and Fix-it Syndrome in the Glossary   and for good measure the one on Self-Victimization. Here is my favorite quote from that entry that has helped me let go of my rescuer and fixer role "Even if you had the character of Gandhi, Mother Theresa and Saint Francis rolled into one, you could never fill the void - because you cannot change what their mind creates."

What you did doesn't mean you aren't a good daughter or are unloving, it means you are taking what is rightfully yours and should have been for years: your OWN life. The FOG she is creating - and yes she is - assume it will be relentless for some time till she sees you cannot be moved, she isn't going to get back her toy (GPS). So try to be firm and remember you don't need to JADE or get into circular conversations about this. An answer like "M we discussed this and the topic is closed." or "M, if this causes so much anxiety in you, I think you may want to see a doctor." are sufficient and then move on to the next topic.

As for that vacation, anyway of getting out of it? Might be too late and too big a step for you to take right now, but maybe not plan another one for next year?

You did something amazing and I hope you are proud of yourself!
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2017, 09:41:12 AM »
 :cheer: :fireworks: :cheer:
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enabling her anxiety isn't proof of my love for her. That I can still show her love and  be a good daughter; that I am not trying to hurt her. That her tracking my gps isn't normal, or healthy, and I am not unreasonable.
:yeahthat: ^^^ this. All of this.

Your right to have a separate and adult life as an individual is your basic human right. You were never responsible for your mother's emotions and mental health even though she thinks you are and has made you , groomed you , to feel that you are.

Some of the things you wrote about remind me of these two points from the boundaries book
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=27228.msg268432#msg268432
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=27228.msg303535#msg303535

Have you read much about narcissistic injury? It is very real to the narcissist but it is not your responsibility to be a constant Supply. It hit me one day like a ton of bricks, when do I get to live my life? If I wait until she's gone I might be in my seventies by that time. Is that really when I get to start living my own separate life? That realization shoved me so far Out of the FOG and so fast. That might help motivate you as it did with me.

Then I started to look around at my friends raised by non PD persons which was pretty much everyone but me. They came and went as they please, they had a family, they had friends, never once did they report to their parents their whereabouts, and their parents actually had their very own life and their own separate friends. Conversations were chats, they were welcomed not dreaded, and no one absolutely no one checked up on anyone.

In my case uPDm and enF were like your mom, minus the GPS, but needing to know where I was every moment of every day. Eventually when I stopped checking in and Reporting my constant whereabouts it led to fits but I was so worn out and so disgusted the words that flew out of my mouth were "if anything happens to me you can come identify me at the morgue if you want" because I had been so suffocated until I couldn't deal with it anymore and finally in my fifties I decided I needed to start living my own separate life.

And yes it is stalking. http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/stalking
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moglow

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #4 on: June 24, 2017, 10:03:04 AM »
She can't breathe and is in severe pain - because you turned your GPS off? I call bullshit and invented drama. Honestly, there's nothing to support - her reactions are totally hers, and not your responsibility. They never were but she groomed you to believe that. You are not responsible for how she chooses to respond to your decisions. It's an adjustment for her, but she'll survive.

I know it's a hard habit for you to break -has to be!- but as we've said many times, there is no earthly reason for her or anyone else to have a GPS on you. That you've tolerated that and her other intrusions this long ... I don't know how you did it without losing your mind. I know, that's the way it's been and you didn't want to rock the boat. Well now you're in rough seas as you try to break off this death grip she has on your life.

For your own sake, stop talking about it. It's done and she just has to find a way to accept it. Don't respond when she brings it up, whether to explain yet again or commiserate with her. This is a really good situation to practice JADE (or not!)- don't justify, argue, defend or explain your actions. You don't have to, not with her or anyone else. Her being mother doesn't give her unequivocal control over your life. Being protective is one thing, but this is light years away from protective. This is intrusive and smothering!

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She has been snippy with me the other times she has called for other reasons today.

I'll just leave this here ... For the sake of discussion, how many times a day does she call - and is it like this *every* day???
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all4peace

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #5 on: June 24, 2017, 10:30:06 AM »
I have an ignoring-type likely uNM. I cannot even fathom what some of you all cope with!! That's incredible, that a grown mother of a grown woman feels absolutely entitled to track her offspring on GPS!! I have a teen son who is working away from home this summer. Even in that circumstance we do not track our son in any way. He is expected to check in at night, and that's good enough. This is beyond ridiculous and I'm proud of you for taking this first step!!

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daughter

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #6 on: June 24, 2017, 10:50:34 AM »
Another way of viewing this "I need to track your GPS" is to view it as a symptom of OCD, and if you read-up on OCD therapy, you'll quickly discover that OCD patients' families are strongly advised to not "comply" with patient's OCD-driven requirements, to not offer "reassurance".  OCD often affects entire family, due to the adamant enforcement of these OCD-driven "rules".  This is your mother's "problem", not yours, and you're not helping her by accommodating and complying with her OCD-like demands.  As therapists will note, "compliance" feeds the OCD disorder.

It also helps to note how inappropriate this "let me track your GPS" is.  What if your mother insisted that you always wear gloves, whether winter or summer, whether inside or out?  You'd respond with: "no mom, I'm not doing it".  Just because your mother asks for this, just because she's making a fuss and cries, doesn't mean that you must comply, and her responding behavior indicates that a psych eval may be helpful.  You're not "hurting her".  In fact, she's manipulating you in a hurtful manner herself.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2017, 10:54:00 AM by daughter »

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moglow

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #7 on: June 24, 2017, 11:08:45 AM »
 :yeahthat:  very well stated!
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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practical

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2017, 11:47:02 AM »

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She has been snippy with me the other times she has called for other reasons today.

I'll just leave this here ... For the sake of discussion, how many times a day does she call - and is it like this *every* day???
I take that one, I forgot before to point it out.

That is your punishment for trying to be independent. Other parents might give you the ST, your M is behaving like the proverbial :dramaqueen: and trying to make you feel the pain you supposedly inflicted on her. She is trying to brow beat you back into your old role of compliant daughter and behaving somewhere between a toddler and the stereotype of a mean teenage girl. My response would be "M, if you cannot talk to me in a respectful tone, we better end this conversation." and if she doesn't change her tone, don't get into an argument about how this is all your fault (it isn't) but tell her "I'm hanging up now." and then do just that.

Just for reference regarding the call frequency, our kids are in their mid to late twenties and we talk to them anywhere between twice a week and every two to three weeks. It simply depends on how busy we all are with our own lives and what happens in them, there is a natural flow to it. Multiple phone calls a day are not normal or reasonable. I have no idea whether your M works or has friends or is married, those would be her peers and people to talk to. If she doesn't have any of this that is her problem not yours, your job is not to fill some void in her life, you aren't a stopgap or plug or whatever object she sees you as.

If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Dinah-sore

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2017, 05:25:33 PM »
So, this morning she had already started texting me before I woke up. "Are you awake yet?" and "Call me when you wake up"

So I woke up, spent some time with my kids, relaxed a bit, and then gave her a call. She sounded "happy" and "light" and asked me if I thought she could get in shape if she started exercising before vacation. I told her yes, that it is a good idea. She asked if I would go walking with her. I said yes, not thinking. But afterwards I felt like it was an attempt to cling to me in a new way. I broke off one set of cords yesterday, and today she wrapped me in new ones. Anyways, I can't be her health coach. If she wants to exercise, she needs to be responsible to do so. If I am available to walk, I will. But I won't leave my family time to do it.

BUT then, she told me that we can't exercise together because since I don't have gps on my phone she won't be able to find me. It was ridiculous. She said it all facetiously, like she was making a lighthearted joke. But when I didn't say, "Golly gee mom! OK I will put it back on...." she started crying. I would try to change the subject and it was just these awkward silences of crying. She literally wanted me to listen to her cry. I found a way to get off the phone.

Then she called me again a couple hours later and asked me if I had seen my social media message. I went to look. She randomly asked me if I wanted her and I to start snapchatting. It was so random, I told my DH. I wrote her back no thanks, I am too old for snapchat. Then my DH said, "You haven't seen the news, snapchat has a new feature called snapmap. Where it gives your location to people. People are upset about it."

So her random, "lets get a fun app" was really a covert attempt to manipulate me to share my location with her!!!!

I am FLOOOOORED.

I hate to ascribe intent to her actions, but there is just no way, at her age and years after people have been snapchatting, that she would just out of the blue today, after they added a location service, ask me to join snapchat. My mouth is still open in shock.

I have to tell you how much I appreciate all your comments. I looked up "fix-it syndrome," and "rescuer syndrome," and "stalking" and it was sooooo helpful. I am going to go back and reread your comments now. Thank you all so much!!!!
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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all4peace

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #10 on: June 24, 2017, 06:23:12 PM »
When I read your last post, my eyes bulged and my jaw dropped. Wow, she's good! But way too easy for you to see through her manipulations. PDs often reminder me of toddlers. I remember the days when my toddlers would cover their eyes and think we couldn't see them either. That's how PDs seem to operate. That somehow they can maneuver and manipulate and we just won't even see what they're trying to do. Wow, yes, your mom is trying to suck you right back in.

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #11 on: June 24, 2017, 06:41:20 PM »
You are handling her requests SO WELL!!!  :applause: You have got to feel more powerful and a sense of growth in dealing with your mother! I'm proud of you.

Her GPS demands are unbelievably ridiculous, and now the Snapchat thing? Oh brother  :doh: Good that you tried to change the subject and found a way to hang up when she was crying.

My uPDmom does the same with exercising...."we should exercise, I should exercise"! She waits for me to ask to go walking with her. Uh, no thanks. I go on my own, listen to music or go with a friend that I actually like talking with. My mom has no interest in doing exercise only talking about it.

Stick to your guns about not letting her track you. You don't have to explain either, just tell her something short and concise like - NO, I won't be doing that anymore.

I remember when you wrote about going on vacation with your mother. I am sending you good thoughts that it goes well. Reading about her actions though, it seems like this trip could be trouble. I went on a trip with my M and my small children years ago, it was awful. I swore I'd never do it again and I never have. That was long before I knew anything about her PD or narcissism. Anyway, I hope your trip turns out better than mine did!!

Like you, I've been detaching from my mother and it feels good. I just wish she didn't consume so much space in my head. I'm always second guessing a benign email I sent her..."will she take it wrong"?? Or debating calling her after she hints I should etc. It's maddening and consumes so much of my time and thoughts.

I like how you're not jumping when she says "call me when you wake up".  :groovey: 






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Terichan

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #12 on: June 24, 2017, 07:52:09 PM »
Dinah, I was also reading your post and going "Wow, just...wow" with your BPDm's demands about the GPS (!) and also  with the sheer number of times she contacts you in a day! When she joked about being a stalker, well, it's one of those jokes that isn't very funny. I agree with everyone else that you're doing great -- your therapist sounds wise and helpful, and you are being strong, and my only advice to you is I think you should set/keep this boundary right this minute, you will NOT be subjected to being tracked by her with gps ever again, and that's the end of the story. If it were me I'd never turn on the gps thing again. Is it through your phone? How does she access you through gps? You can disable it I'm sure, or I sure hope so!

I also hope the vacation goes OK, although I'd also think quite a few times about ever going on another vacation with her again. As an adult in my early 20s I took *1* driving trip with my uBPDm, it was a horrible disaster. Not doing that again, no way  :no:

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illogical

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #13 on: June 24, 2017, 08:41:08 PM »
I agree with the other posters who advised you to not turn that GPS on ever again! 

It sounds like from what you've posted that your mother is obsessed with tracking you.  The fact she tried to get you to Snapchat so she could use the location feature is beyond ridiculous. 

I also see some gaslighting here on her part.  The passive-aggressive joking about you thinking she's a "stalker".  I think she wants to imply to others that you are the crazy one.  So she can tell her friends/other family members "Can you believe it?  Dinah-sore thinks I'm stalking her!  [of course she leaves out the part about how she insists on you having your GPS on 24/7].  I'm beginning to wonder if she needs medication.  She's really been acting crazy lately." 

See how this works?  She projects her own crazy onto you by flipping the tables.  You are suddenly the one who is crazy.  That's classic gaslighting.

You might research gaslighting in the Toolbox.  I would also check out chaos manufacturing, projection, smear campaign and other manipulative, "horrible" behaviors (to borrow your T's word).  I think that by trying to cut that umbilical cord, you may have unleashed Pandora's box.  I would seriously consider not going on vacation with her.  I don't think it will end well. 
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

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practical

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #14 on: June 24, 2017, 10:51:02 PM »
You did amazing today! That pause you took when she asked you about Snapchat and your "No, thank you" shows how strong you are.

Unfortunately you'll have to accept at some point that there is intent, intent to fill her cravings, the void in her. This intent isn't necessarily much more developed than that of a toddler or young child, who tries to get to the cookie jar by being apparently especially nice or distracting you, but it is still intent. The thing about Snapchat is no accident, it was a glue trap laid out for you and you elegantly sidestepped it.

As for those walks, please don't do it. Her intent truly is to keep a hold on you, to if necessary physically track you. Yes, it sounds so nice going for walks with M, except not when she is your or my M. Here is something I'm trying to learn, whenever I'm asked a question that requires some kind of commitment by me, my answer is noncommital "Let me thing about that.", "Let me get back to you on that.", "It hope it works out for you" and similar statements and then drop it. If she picks it back up, you had time to think about it and can answer with a nice clear "No, thank you" like you did today.

Remember one thing, during the process of setting boundaries your M might push really hard because her source of supply (you) is disappearing. It is when you have to toughen it out and stick to your boundaries. You can do it!
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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practical

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #15 on: June 24, 2017, 11:29:33 PM »
Another thought occurred to me, your M calling multiple times a day might be a very low tech way of tracking you, assuring herself you are still there. Again, this reminds me of a toddler who might start bawling when you leave the room and he cannot see you anymore. It isn't unusual for PDs not to have a sense of object constancy. Check out this link about this topic from the glossary, it might help you get a deeper sense of what is going on: http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/lack-of-object-constancy

The cure for that problem isn't for you to be constantly available to M, it won't fix the issue, this is something within your M that you cannot do anything about it, even if you were around her 24/7. It is something she would have to address with the help of a therapist.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #16 on: June 24, 2017, 11:49:22 PM »
PD Wack-a-Mole

You're doing great!!!!
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog

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illogical

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #17 on: June 25, 2017, 09:43:13 AM »
You might consider "dropping a hint" about Snapchat to your mother, so she knows you know what she was doing by suggesting you guys get together and Snapchat.  I wouldn't directly call her out on it, because she will likely deny.  But something like this might get the message across--

"You were suggesting we might Snapchat the other day, and DH told me that Snapchat has a new location feature, Snapmap, that allows your friends to see your location.  He read that the police were concerned because stalkers might be able to track children.  Fortunately, you can ghost mode out of that GPS location sensor and no one will know where you are!  I just thought that was so interesting!"

"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

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Dinah-sore

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #18 on: June 25, 2017, 02:45:33 PM »
I am going to reply to your comments in a little bit. I need to get my head back on straight.

She called me twice super early this morning. So I called her back after I made my kids breakfast. I knew it was coming, I wasn't ready for it.  i don't think I handled it well. It was what she does. What she used to do when I lived there. It was so heavy. She was crying the whole time. Long conversation. She says I am abandoning her, I am her whole life. She never brought up the gps. This time it was that I don't call her enough, and I sound formal, and I don't tell her things. She sounded so low. Massively depressed. I feel so bad for her, and sad that I am hurting her. But I told her I haven't done anything wrong. It is her feelings and I can't argue with them. I told her I love her and my affection for her hasn't changed (I was trying to be careful with my words, because things have changed, I have changed, but my affection for her hasn't). I told her the conversation is frustrating because it is a no win conversation. I did JADE a bit, a felt myself doing it, and then I stopped. I was giving excuses for why I have been so busy lately, valid excuses (but I don't need to justify or explain myself).

It wasn't enough. She says I don't call her enough--so I reply, "I don't get a chance. You call me first. (she calls 8-15 times a day lately, and not including texts and social media messages). And when you call I get the chance to tell you what I would have said if you hadn't called first."

She said she has abandonment issues--people always abandon her and then lie about it saying she did nothing wrong. That I am doing the same thing. Everyone does this to her. I told her I am not abandoning her.

She made a weird statement about lying. Saying, "You never have lied to me (of course I have growing up! All kids lie to their moms) so I guess I need to trust you. I just hate being lied to." THIS made me wonder if she is setting me up to see if I am lying. Or maybe my D had told her something I had said to him privately. He knows I am seeing a T, and he says it is good and I need that. I trusted him with that. But I need to be more careful. I don't think he told her, but I need to stop sharing things or else it will become a triangle. I don't want that.

It was so taxing. I am exhausted. 45 minutes of her crying and begging me to prove my love to her. And what can I do or say? nothing? Nothing will fix it? Nothing will reassure her. It is all part of her PD. Right? The first characteristic of BPD, "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment."

I felt myself dissociating. She would ask me, "What are you thinking?" and I would say, "nothing" and it was true. I was gone. Lost in my head. Trying to escape again, like a kid. When I was a kid she would do this type of thing to me, but it would last ALL DAY. ALL FREAKIN DAY. I would be stuck on the couch and she would cry and tell me what I was doing wrong, to hurt her. And ask what I was thinking. It was nothing. I was gone. By the time it started getting dark outside and I was hungry, and sick of crying, for doing something I didn't really understand. I would just start repeating what she had said over and over again, pretending like I believed it. I wanted off the couch. I wanted the ordeal to be over. I needed it to stop. And this was the only way to make it stop. I felt that feeling on the phone today. What can I say to make her stop. But I didn't fawn on her. I told her I loved her once, and said, I don't know what else to say, you are listening more to your feelings right now.

The thing is, it wasn't about the gps today. It was about me not giving her enough of my time, heart, and devotion. She felt abandoned. I can't fix that. I didn't know what to say.

After we got off the phone I get a notification that she is again sharing her gps location with me. I kinda shrugged. Okay... but I don't need it. Then I received a request to share my location with her. I was like, "darn it!" I feel like my mind was messed with. I feel numb and tired and like I want to go tune out mentally.

One thing I did, was I tried to write down as much as I could remember, right after I got off the phone, because I often block things out and forget. I am sure I forgot half the conversation. But this was the general gist. And she finished with, "Please don't tell anyone about this." Which I absent mindedly said "okay" to. But then I thought, but that cuts me off from support from my DH, and you guys, and my T and if I wanted to tell the one friend I have talked to this about. So yeah, I am going to choose to tell these people anyways. She is just embarrassed because she knows this isn't normal.

I am going to go watch a video or get into a book. And then come back and reread your messages and respond to them when my brain isn't mush.
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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moglow

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #19 on: June 25, 2017, 03:05:31 PM »
Quote
She says I don't call her enough--so I reply, "I don't get a chance. You call me first. (she calls 8-15 times a day lately, and not including texts and social media messages). And when you call I get the chance to tell you what I would have said if you hadn't called first."

Oh wow.  Just ...wow.  How can she possibly feel abandoned with that much interaction every day???  Like you, I'm sorry she feels that way - but again, it's not your responsibility to fix that for her!!  You have a home and family that also needs and demands you.  I don't see how you can get any thing done - forget actually having time with your family - with her calling, texting, etc that much.  AND again with the GPS bullshit.  Can you block those messages [from that app] at least?

Quote
It was so taxing. I am exhausted. 45 minutes of her crying and begging me to prove my love to her. And what can I do or say? nothing? Nothing will fix it? Nothing will reassure her. It is all part of her PD. Right? The first characteristic of BPD, "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment."

I felt myself dissociating. She would ask me, "What are you thinking?" and I would say, "nothing" and it was true. I was gone. Lost in my head. Trying to escape again, like a kid.

My brain [been there myself]:  "What am I thinking???  Are you fucking kidding me??  I'm thinking that I'm exhausted, wrung out and empty.  That I can't possibly be or do or say all the things you need - because I have a whole life outside of your needs while you suck me dry.  I can't take care of myself or my family because of the incessant calls and messages and requests and begging and demands. I'm thinking I need a freaking break from this, that you need something to occupy your time, that there is more to life than THIS."

Maybe that's just me - I felt tired and empty for you, just imagining all that going on call after call after text ... and part of the reason I blocked my mother's cell phone a while back. I couldn't take the same garbage being spewed on the phone, left on voicemails and texts, something had to go.

I feel for you, truly I do.  I'm so afraid I'd have snapped and blocked everything by now...
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!