Can you please give me a little support real quick?

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strivingfornormal

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #40 on: June 28, 2017, 12:23:17 AM »
Ps having read more of the posts and your updates my best advice here is to say nothing to her. As she's done this for years, if you keep talking about it with her/negotiating it will just carry on. Radio silence and get rid of your cell phone. This woman is not behaving a mother and is highly abusive and toxic to you. It makes me angry to read how you were treated as a child. Do what you would do for that child being forced to listen and rescue her (ie you), if possible move FAR away

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #41 on: June 28, 2017, 11:38:32 AM »
Quote
She is so calm, she demonstrates how to calmly speak to my mom. She said, "Just say, 'Mom, I don't want to discuss this in front of the children, I think you need to leave and we can continue this conversation when we have cooled down, later."  The thought of one day having the stones to tell my mom to leave, when she is doing her thing scares me to death. But I have so much hope that because of your support and her support I WILL be strong enough to determine what I won't accept in our relationship.
when my T first suggested such calm phrases my eyes literally bugged out, my heart started to race at just hearing her say it and my stomach did a flip. Eventually though I was so absolutely suffocated that little by little my tiny voice started to speak. When I look back at the sheer craziness of me, a middle-aged woman so strong and so many areas of life, unable to simply pass on a lunch once in a blue moon it boggles my mind. (My back story is that I was so enmeshed I spent every weekday shopping and at lunch so to miss one day every now and then should have really been no big deal but I knew the price I'd pay and eventually the price to pay to unenmesh out weighed the suffocation I felt)

Please think of yourself like a diamond in the rough and keep chipping away I'm polishing up the outer layers until that beautiful "stone"  ;) sparkles! Claim your life and your voice one tiny whisper at a time. You can do this!
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practical

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #42 on: June 28, 2017, 12:00:08 PM »

Also, she said that if this stuff happens around my kids I need to ask her to go. She is so calm, she demonstrates how to calmly speak to my mom. She said, "Just say, 'Mom, I don't want to discuss this in front of the children, I think you need to leave and we can continue this conversation when we have cooled down, later."


I just wanted to point out how amazing I found this statement by your T and how utterly true. It isn't healthy for your children to witness these scenes of her, it is traumatizing to them as they have no way of knowing what is going on, but they can feel the negative energy, might worry about you, even about GM and wonder what it means to them. It is known that parents ideally shouldn't fight in front of their kids, but to expand this concept to your M, their grandmother is really important. I was traumatized by my parents fights, the tears M shed on my shoulder from when I was little, and thought I had to fix it all and be the best girl I could be so I could hold the family together. Obviously this is different from your kids situation with regard to their GM, still her unhealthy behavior is not something they need to witness/be exposed too.

There is another side to it, if you let your M treat you this way, your children might assume this is normal and open themselves up to abuse as they are confused about what is normal, what are healthy boundaries. And in a worst case scenario they might think it is okay to treat you or others this way.

So maybe if you cannot do it for yourself to tell your M to leave the house when she misbehaves, you can do it for your children? I have found that I personally might take abuse way beyond what is reasonable, but screw with my children and I become ferocious in protecting them and have strength from unknown sources. And when this day comes, when you actually do tell your M to leave, here is some help to explain to your children what is going on: http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/5/talking-to-kids

I like the picture Springbutterfly used, and I'm sure you'll be a wonderfully sparkly diamond - you already are, just covered up - and maybe you'll even a colored one?
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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bopper

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Re: Can you please give me a little support real quick?
« Reply #43 on: June 28, 2017, 12:27:51 PM »
Also know that when someone changes the norm of their relationship, the other party may have  an "extinction burst"....that is, they ramp up their behaviors to get you to go back to the old way. After a while they accept the new norm but it takes a bit.

Clearly your mother is doing that.

Also when you start feeling guilty, remember that you were on GPS and your mom called you 8-15 times a day and SHE WAS STILL NOT HAPPY. She will never be happy with the amount of contact because it is not about what you are doing, it is most likely about how her brain is wired...she gets anxious about you but it is not a healthy anxious. Nothing you can do besides sit with her every minute of every day would help, and even then she would then be worried about something else like your kids or if there would be an tornado or whatever.

So you can make yourself happy..but you can never make her happy.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2017, 12:33:35 PM by bopper »
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
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