What do you think?

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Aleks

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What do you think?
« on: June 29, 2017, 12:43:43 PM »
Hello, great forum this is! Here's a bit of my story... 12 months ago I have left my husband after 9 years of being altogether, and were going to be officially divorced in couple of weeks. We have a 9yr old boy who is living with me now and seeing the father almost whenever he wants to. We are both feeling good after this decision and things are settling well, because the marriage was terrible from the first day. So, whats the point of writing all this? I am trying to find out what the hell I was going trough. I ve been doing a lot of reading and I wonder if my husband has traits of PD. For what I have learned, he may be the covert narcissist or at least has some of it. When we fell in love we were 28 and we were both traumatized in a way. I desperately wanted to start a family because of a potential fertility problem, and he was not ready to start a family yet. I was his first relationship, he told me that his parents have terrible marriage and that all his young years he had aversion of trying it with girls. Then he met me and the whole new world has opened to him. We had a lot of arguments on those first few years, mostly because he was totally introvert and afraid to try new things. I was feeling like Im dating a scared child sometimes, but I felt adoration and confidence from him as I was helping him to get over his fears. Then with time I wanted that we start a family and he agreed because he didnt want to lose me, thats what he said. I got pregnant very quickly which was the happiest moment of my life. And from there the hell begins...I have met his parents and found out maybe the most verbally agressive people I have ever seen. They wanted to participate in everything. They started bombing with their opinions and suggestions (they insisted that we enter one of their houses and save the rent money for other things).I kindly agreed to some of the things,because I was so happy and in love that I wanted to please everybody. But the moment we got married and started living together, I was given a set of brutal rules (for me it was brutal) about how our life should look like. For example, not seeing my parents a lot, not changing the things in house without asking for everything first. I was desperate and sometimes agressively defensive, but after long arguments I usually let them have it all their way. When I tried to fight for my opinions, I was always told that I was ungrateful and needy, and that I should be happy that I have a child. So therefore I didnt let them touch the child. But as the boy started going to school, they started getting their claws on him too. One moment I was so tired and sick, and I started noticing signs of pressure on a child, so I decided to cut it and go away. I must also say that 3 years back I was begging my husband to go to a councelor and he was refusing it, saying that he doesnt need it and that it was me who was making all the problems. Now I live alone with the boy, we are both much more peaceful and I ever dont want to get back there. But I am wondering if he has a PD and why it had to be like this. I am concerned about the child. What do you think?

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Aleks

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Re: What do you think?
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2017, 04:34:29 PM »
Very early in the relationship I became frustrated and defensive. First he insisted that we live in his house, and when I came he immediately started to behave like I was the intruder. He was saying to me: if you dont like it, you can leave. At one time he got very nervous because I put some lamp on the balcony without asking him first. He said I did this deliberately to irritate him, and that if I really loved him I'd be happy with his opinions. When our son was having a 1 birthday party, I wanted to put a little bowtie around his neck. Husband said its incredibly ugly and humiliating for the child and that he woundnt allow it. I confonted him and did not want to step back. After a while he telephoned his father saying that he cant handle my behavior. His father took his side, saying that I cant make him do it. He let me keep the bowtie, but when they were taking photos of the baby with his family, he took it off. I felt so humiliated and wrong. Such behavior followed me for 10 years, we had long period of peaceful times, he was absolutely uninterested in many things but when something was important to him it had to be his way. Not to mention that he rarely complimented me in anything (maybe cooking sometimes), and in 10 things that I did well, he would dig out somethong to criticise. I felt like I had to crawl for crumbs of his love. And at one moment I just had enough. According to my standards this is pretty sick behaviour, does anyone has experience with similar behaviour and what does it mean?

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notrightinthehead

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Re: What do you think?
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2017, 05:08:24 PM »
Welcome and I am sorry you had to experience all that.
Sounds like you made a good decision as both you and your son are so much happier now.
Your parents in law and your husband both sound like complicated people that could not help you nor make you happy. I think you made the right choice.  I hope you feel ok with it.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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Aleks

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Re: What do you think?
« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2017, 05:44:27 PM »
I feel ok with leaving him. I wasnt feeling loved or appreciated for a long time ago. I was hoping that going to a marital councellor would maybe awake my love and respect feelings for him. I felt I have no more strength to deal with him. But since he refused to go with me to a therapist, I feel free. But sometimes I feel guilt for separating him from his son, which is no wonder because he was always feeding me with guilt. We agreed that the boy can see him whenever they want to, and he seems to be loving and caring for a child now, although when we lived together he used to be a little cruel and pushy with him, too, with long monologues and controlling, like the boy was becoming the focus of his rigid standards. Now I feel that the pressure to the child has stopped and I feel relief, but still dont want that he go the opposite way and neglect him. Is it possible that such complicated, rigid people (possible PD) maintain a healthy relationship with their children? Or if not, could he mentally harm the child now that he is not having the main influence? I want the best for my boy...