UnBPD Biomom encouraging kids to run away to her home...

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Shebakescakes

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UnBPD Biomom encouraging kids to run away to her home...
« on: July 05, 2017, 05:39:23 PM »
 :stars:

IYesterday a text popped up on my GCstepson's (11 years old) iPhone. It was a text from his mom (undiagnosed BPD and diagnosed bi-polar-untreated)

The text to stepson read (and I will paraphrase to not break forum rules) "you are welcome home anytime you want. You do not need to ask anyone to come home if you are upset. I want you here all the time, you are always welcome here"

so this text alerted my spidey senses. I picked up SS phone and read that texts that lead up to that. SS texted her Monday while I was at work. He stays home with two older sisters who are 19 and 15 while DH and I work. SS texted her and said "can I come home? My sisters are being mean to me" and she asked what was wrong and he said "it's fixed now" .

DH and I sat down with stepson and SS said that he was just upset about his sisters telling him to do his chore. We told him how upset and worried we would be if we came home and he wasn't home and explained to him the dangers of running away etc.  we told him we would prefer that when he is upset about something at our house that he give us (me and DH) the chance to resolve it before texting people outside of our home because even though his mom loves him there isn't much she can do about stuff that happens at our house. He seemed to understand and in the past he has called or texted me at work when he's upset or needs anything. I think this is a combination of them coming back on Monday morning and him still being in BM mode, and we know she's majorly bad mouthing us right now (playing the victim, saying we are mean, telling stepkids to not tell us about stuff that goes on at her house etc). He seemed remorseful over asking his mom to come home over something so small.

How would you handle this? We figure it's pointless to say anything to BM. She will deflect and spin everything and say she "fears for the children's safety therefore will not tell us anything" that is her standby when she's in the wrong. It's very frustrating. So how would you talk to children about this to help them understand?
Little background ..we have primary custody and BM has weekend visitation during school year and 30 days during summer. She lost primary custody a few years ago when child services got involved for inappropriateness on her part with the kids and abuse.

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Steve42

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Re: UnBPD Biomom encouraging kids to run away to her home...
« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2017, 08:09:27 PM »
At first I was thinking that the only solution might be to somehow limit her texts, either by taking his phone away or blocking her number or something like that. But she would never accept that and I dread to think of what she would tell your son if you did that. Not to mention the resentment your SS might have.

So on thinking further....one possibility might be to put your son in at least occassional therapy sessions. The reason is that the therapist can give you suggestions on how you should handle the situation. If the therapist recommends taking his phone away or not allowing her to directly text him, well you are off the hook because you are simply following the advice of your child's therapist. 

In my opinion, when dealing with PDs it's always best if you can get a professional of some kind to make recommendations because that deflects the blame from you and you husband onto the professional that made the recommendation.

« Last Edit: July 05, 2017, 08:30:46 PM by Steve42 »

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WesternLover

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Re: UnBPD Biomom encouraging kids to run away to her home...
« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2017, 10:07:16 PM »
Hello SheBakesCakes!

My son's uASPD and uNPD - diagnosed by bipoloar, did the almost exact same thing!  We live on opposite coasts, and he has supervised visits which he has never exercised in our state. I used to let our son go visit him out west, despite the court order, because he and his girlfriend at the time schmoozed me into thinking he was a changed man. I didn't understand as much about PDs then as I do now.

Anyway, needless to say things escalated to the point where they became totally unbearable. Most importantly, however I let our son go out there despite my reservations  :doh: and all it did was confirm he is an unsafe and unfit parent. I stopped letting our son go out there for visits in 2014, and we're currently in the process of duking it out in court.  I still agreed to phone contact and video chats however, at the time I ended the long distance visits.

So anyway, PD dad used to throw a fit when I would be in the room while he trying to have a conversation with DS.  Honestly, I would simply be in the same room because our son likes to hang around me in general. I didn't think when he called in my was cue to jump up and immediately run out of the room. I wouldn't even say anything when they were on the phone. PD dad whined that I was helicopter parenting and was being controlling, that he and our son deserved their privacy. I just kind of rolled my eyes, but I was like fine whatever.   My son's father called when I was in a church committee meeting, my kids where there with me. He kept blowing up my phone, so I handed it to DS, and told him to go in the other room and talk to his dad.

Later my son told me, almost with a tone of bewilderment in his voice, that his dad told him to run away and meet him at the airport. Apparently he told our son to set an alarm in the middle of the night, then get to the airport and he would meet him there. It was as if PD dad was saying "here's how you do it..." in terms of running away. Our son was 5 at the time. I assume PD dad was half-joking, but also testing the waters. You can't make a solid plan with a 5-year-old, although you never know with a PD person, I guess. No doubt he would try to make more elaborate plans with our son as he got older.

It was at that point I had to insist on supervised phone calls, which of course lead to a major escalation with PD, but thankfully the court backs me up on this so far. PD dad loves to tell our son over and over that they can't have a relationship because I am difficult and controlling, and he is so very sorry that I put them both through this. Despite the court ordered supervised phone calls, and "the minor child is not to initiate phone contact" outside of Our Family Wizard, he repeatedly tells our son to circumvent me and the court call him whenever he wants.

I'm not entirely sure how to handle it either, so curious about what other people on this thread say. I explained to my son however that his dad telling him to run away was very wrong because it put him in a lot of danger. I explained all of the bad things that could happen on his way to the airport - "you could get lost, you could get hit by a car, you could get picked up by someone that harms children..." I also explained it's illegal, against the law, for a child his age to be wandering the world by himself, and his dad was breaking the law and being very careless with his safety.

I also tried to convey to my son, that when two people share a child, a judge has to decide the rules everyone is to play by. I told him to remember about how in school you got in trouble for breaking the rules, I reminded him of when how if you break the rules while playing a game, you get kicked out of the game. I said his dad telling him to run away was breaking the rules - it's against the law and it cheating.

Other than that, I had no idea what to tell our son. I'm thinking when our son gets older, and when he has his own phone, there is spy software you can install on a cell phone. It runs silently in the background, so the owner of the phone doesn't even know it's there. You can log in to a website to view all texts messages to and from the phone. I believe you can also get voicemails as well. Most of these softwares also have GPS tracking features. I hate to do it, because I totally believe in giving people their privacy. However, in this situation, unfortunately I think it's warranted. If my son's father was a normal, nice guy, I really wouldn't have to go to these means. It makes me look like the control freak that he calls me, but I have to set that pride / bruised ego aside as parental kidnapping is a very real possibility in our situation.

I sure hope this helps! I'm very interested to hear what others have to say.