The perks of having an ignoring N parent

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all4peace

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The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« on: July 10, 2017, 06:02:03 PM »
I know we all try to not compare pain and loss, and I appreciate that, but seriously. Seriously, I am SO GLAD my likely N parent is the ignoring type rather than the engulfing enmeshed barnacle type that I'm reading about on here lately with a couple newer members. Great gad! You poor adult offspring of these types, I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you stay sane.

For context, DH and I managed to get through 3 hospitalizations this year with nary a parental visit.
DH has had a meal with his twice this year, me only once.
My parents have called possibly twice in the past 12 months, dad probably only once.
They possibly initiate a text every few months, but I'd have to check my phone to be sure on that one.
My kids are left totally alone (except for uNBPDmil with DD)

Once a person gets past the grief of feeling like an orphan, there's not a whole lot left to deal with. Whether to send bday cards or not. Whether to invite them to family bdays or not.

I'm halfway joking, as definitely there is a lot of pain in damaged family relationships, no matter what shape they take, but I really am grateful and thankful that if my family needs to be messed up, at least it's in a way that gives me a LOT of breathing space.

Or maybe we just each adapt to our own family's dysfunction, and an engulfed non would feel totally lost if their parent became ignoring instead?

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bohemian butterfly

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2017, 06:15:09 PM »
I know we all try to not compare pain and loss, and I appreciate that, but seriously. Seriously, I am SO GLAD my likely N parent is the ignoring type rather than the engulfing enmeshed barnacle type that I'm reading about on here lately with a couple newer members. Great gad! You poor adult offspring of these types, I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you stay sane.

For context, DH and I managed to get through 3 hospitalizations this year with nary a parental visit.
DH has had a meal with his twice this year, me only once.
My parents have called possibly twice in the past 12 months, dad probably only once.
They possibly initiate a text every few months, but I'd have to check my phone to be sure on that one.
My kids are left totally alone (except for uNBPDmil with DD)

Once a person gets past the grief of feeling like an orphan, there's not a whole lot left to deal with. Whether to send bday cards or not. Whether to invite them to family bdays or not.

I'm halfway joking, as definitely there is a lot of pain in damaged family relationships, no matter what shape they take, but I really am grateful and thankful that if my family needs to be messed up, at least it's in a way that gives me a LOT of breathing space.

Or maybe we just each adapt to our own family's dysfunction, and an engulfed non would feel totally lost if their parent became ignoring instead?

As the daughter of an enmeshed uBPDM, I think that if my mother suddenly ignored me from today until the end of time I would be.....at first very confused (insecure) but probably mostly ecstatic.   

I do not like the feeling of being controlled AT ALL.  I do not like using my precious life energy on trying to deal with the FOG on a daily basis.  I do not like feeling like I am literally fighting for my life, for individuation all the time.

It is interesting though, looking at both types (ignoring and enmeshing) and how each of us have different issues depending on which one we have experienced, but yet also having lots in common.

Enmeshment -  drowning, gagging, stifled, trapped in a box
Ignored - hollering across the cosmos, but only hearing your own voice echoing back into your desperate, pleading, searching ears.  Hollowness.

Both types are horrid.  I wouldn't wish either on my worst enemy.   


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VividImagination

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2017, 06:31:07 PM »
I had an engulfing NM that then ignored me after some half-hearted hoovering. It was a tremendous relief, although I was hurt and amazed to be discarded so quickly and easily. She was more interested in forcing contact with my children, because she knew it would hurt me and because she preyed on small children for narc supply/abuse. She fortunately had no chance there.

It's amazing how fast engulfers can replace you.

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stasia

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2017, 06:33:28 PM »

Or maybe we just each adapt to our own family's dysfunction, and an engulfed non would feel totally lost if their parent became ignoring instead?

I'm being ignored now, getting silent treatment since Memorial Day - and honestly it's mostly been a relief. I wish it would go on forever, but it never does. Sooner or later she always calls me freaking out, crying, wanting me to fix everything.


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all4peace

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2017, 06:54:01 PM »

Or maybe we just each adapt to our own family's dysfunction, and an engulfed non would feel totally lost if their parent became ignoring instead?

I'm being ignored now, getting silent treatment since Memorial Day - and honestly it's mostly been a relief. I wish it would go on forever, but it never does. Sooner or later she always calls me freaking out, crying, wanting me to fix everything.
Ugh, that's what I mean. I simply have to adapt to a life without parental support, whereas those of you who are engulfed never know what's coming next! I can go out and find lovely people in life to take the place of family, as I have, whereas those of you who are engulfed are constantly fending off unwanted contact.

VI, I do remember the sadness and disbelief I experienced when I finally stopped initiating almost all contact with my parents......and crickets. It was painful at that time to be so easily discarded. When I have to have contact with my parents (and I will again soon, in order to spend time with a beloved sibling) it is painful to be dismissed and ignored. But then i get to go back to my regular life and forget it after a few days.

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VividImagination

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2017, 07:03:52 PM »
When I have to have contact with my parents (and I will again soon, in order to spend time with a beloved sibling) it is painful to be dismissed and ignored.

My NM did this in a very overt fashion...she would ignore/dismiss people (including her children) that she felt slighted by as way to prove that she doesn't care about them, they can't hurt her, they are meaningless. Kind of like in high school after a breakup when a girl walks around acting like she doesn't know the boy she just had a relationship with or like she doesn't care, because she just can't be bothered with someone so insignificant. It's a way to save face.

Does yours have the same motivation, or is she just completely self-absorbed and clueless?
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2017, 07:27:10 PM »
Quote
Or maybe we just each adapt to our own family's dysfunction, and an engulfed non would feel totally lost if their parent became ignoring instead?
add me to the list of the ones who have flipped from engulfed to ignored. Unfortunately it's that black and white, splitting, for a PD person. It's one way or the other with absolutely no in between.

From my perspective in my situation I believe there's a few reasons for this. In the past 30+ years the times I tried to individuate or have boundaries it was viewed as an absolute insult and the response to that is along the lines of "fine if you want nothing to do with us will give you what you want and stay completely away" despite me expressing that was not at all what I said or intended.

For them enmeshed equals love and they know no other way. In their mind they are giving me exactly what I want except they haven't listened to what I want. What I wanted was to be loved as an individual, to be accepted as a separate person, to have a marriage with my husband and for them to be a part, a very small part, of my life, for me to leave the nest and for them to continue as a separate couple as they started out with just the two of them. They have yet to work that out despite the fact that it has been communicated although it has not been spelled out quite that clearly since the result would be massive Hoover's. In the past when I did spell it out that was the result.

So this time I followed my T advice and reassured them of my love in ways I was able. She told me it's okay for me to speak a different love language and to express it the way I wish regardless of whether or not it's understood. It gave me peace to know I was able to express myself my own way as an individual whether or not it was accepted.

It hurt like crazy to be rejected, their definition of Love is complete compliance and lack of compliance equals rejection if them and lack of love. So I was rejected for being an individual. That's their choice and they have to live with their choice the same as I have to live with mine. How sad and very unfortunate for all, and for all of us as well.
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What clarity?

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #7 on: July 10, 2017, 08:16:51 PM »
My dmanicM ignored most of the time, or abandoned me for summers for raised by people I saw like once a year, or random friends of people I saw once a year, while she gallivanted about...

One the one hand; yes, it's easier. It's easy to leave, she rarely ever met needs, and was often abusive and controlling when her attention did focus on me. It was easy to go vlc and no contact; but she still hoovered me back in with terrible manipulations for decades. Screaming into a black is apt; no one wants to hear. That part was and is really hard. Also while she is crazypants she is also charismatic, because of course she is. So somehow my own friends, who became friends with me trying to get me to live with them because I had problems as a kid; reversed to being on the side of a woman who literally paints her face like a china doll; blush circles; the lashes, the lipstick, the weird dye job hair; the really bright mis-matched clothes, the Blossom hats. Yeah, that woman looks and sounds sane? I don't get any of that.... but I had to give up all family contacts and doctors and dentists because she waifs and smears and everyone is willing to be her puppet enforcer. So ignored is easier for me in that way/ but still its pretty bad.

NF despite not having been the custodial parent, and my not even knowing him until after puberty because he abandoned me completely,  somehow expects me to be enmeshed. I have never been for it; and he has never accepted that I will not turn out to be his image of a feminine robot.  He turns out to be a huge, huge, huge problem that I am having so much trouble with. He is charismatic despite my seeing him as someone rather untrustworthy and kinda dispicable to be honest. I've always been scared of him and thought he was an ignorant and bizarrely macho weirdo.  But he has a ton of really loyal flying monkeys; and they are willing to physically grab me and drag me into AA meetings (I don't drink; but I have very good reason to be scared as hell of people who do, so that's fun), stalk me into my support groups, smear me, report to him all manner of dumb stuff: where they have seen me, what I was buying, who I talked to, what I said, it goes on forever. He is very controlling, very insecure, and I think using me as the distraction to not deal with being retired and unable to maintain his workaholic self image, not to mention I suspect him of developing  paranoid dementia like his mother did. So this huge smear against me while I was trying to recover from processing finally going NC with M and cutting everyone out of my life but F, i didn't know he was actively evil, I just wanted some family and intended to be vlc.  I was mess, and not functional at all, and had no idea F was also pretty malignant and I was just trying to get to a right to die state and process all this and establish myself and get treatment. Instead I'm stuck here, out of resources, surrounded by monkeys, completely isolated and in fragile health. F is of course, having a field day. When I have health scares due to worsening issues, he uses those as "proof" that I'm ED, an alcoholic, whatever... apparently his stories all contradict and yes people are seriously that stupid. Every time I reach out or try learn the skills (boundary skills which are so hard for me!) to get myself out of here; appliances get broken, covert physical abuse means I lose more organ function, ect. Of course I look mostly fine if slightly unkempt and unhealthy... and of course I do. I have to cut my own hair; I freaking have cancer and I am unlikely to glow with health. These goddamn well intentioned flying monkeys are going to get me killed with their bullshit. I'm sure F intends to "trap" me into caretaking and is maladjustedly dealing with abandonment issues, but why should I care about his issues? The joke is on him; he will long outlive me the way things are going; but its also on me, as always, and he will just use my death to get further supply.

I fully agree with your assessment. Ignored is no walk in the park; you need role models to learn behavior to function in the world which is hard if you never get spoken to or are not allowed to be around people. And there is evidence that similar to language skills, the brain development for social interaction is best when at the proper developmental stage, or it never quite 'takes' the way it should. Attachment disorders and all that. Obviously not the recipe for turning a child into a functional adult. But I was working on that.

F, on the other hand,  :stars:

I'm having a pretty bad couple of days and feeling hugely overwhelmed. Time to pick myself back up and try again.

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Terichan

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2017, 08:47:26 PM »
Once a person gets past the grief of feeling like an orphan, there's not a whole lot left to deal with.

This is very true for me -- one of the "perks" I discovered when my ignoring uNPDf died was that I had no grief to deal with. I wasn't sad that he'd died, I didn't feel much of anything -- because of the way he was, my entire life, there's nothing for me to miss about him now that he's gone. I did grieve while he was still alive, after realizing that he didn't love me, never had, and never would, which was hard, but my grief was for myself and what I'd never had. Now that he's gone there's nothing missing in my life at all. There was never a space in my heart that he filled, so there's no hole now that he's gone. That's sad in its own way, but if I had to look for a "perk", this would be one of them.

I had really expected to feel some huge devastating emotions when he died, I was terrified of them, actually, but they never came, and I've realized now they never will. And this gives me a sense of peace regarding my uBPD mother, too; she's 86 and demented and who knows how much time she has left. I still notice that knee-jerk fear that some undiscovered... thing... will rise up and consume me when she dies, but after experiencing this with my father I know I've already grieved her as well. I don't expect her death to devastate me, either. I've grieved her, or more accurately my lack of her, already too.

They also, by ignoring every single need I had my entire life, developed in me a very tough self-sufficiency that most people not raised by PD don't have. I can deal with ANYTHING on my own, literally anything, including my daughter's close brush with death a few years ago. I do have people -- my good friends, and my husband, to help me through things if I need it, but man am I strong. Really, really strong. 

One of the things I learned through my daughter's illness was to take, and appreciate, the good things that came out of the bad. Her getting sick was horrible and terrifying and traumatic, but there were some amazingly good things that came out of it -- seeing how loving and helpful so many people could truly be, seeing how strong and beautiful my daughter really is, how incredible and supportive her brother was and how deeply he loves her, things like that. I've applied this lesson to being raised by PD as well -- yeah, I wouldn't ever have chosen to be adopted by such rotten PD parents, but I'll take the good that came out of it too.

Great topic, all4peace!
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Seven

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2017, 10:35:58 PM »
I'm with Terichan.  The best thing i got from my BPDmil is my DH.  He is the self-sufficient one.  He really doesn't talk about his upbringing other than the fact that his dad was not around because he worked third shift while DH was in school.  I really dont know how well he interacted with mil, but i know at times DH had to "protect" her and be the fixer for her issues with all of her family.  And as an adult he was her sounding board.   She may or may not have been the ignoring kind unless she wanted something.  My best guess was that he was ignored, and is why he moved out at 16. But once he got married to me they were all up in our business.

But yeah, i love my DH, the product of PDs.

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Fightsong

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #10 on: July 11, 2017, 06:01:04 AM »
It is complicated isn't it. And when I think back to the pain, hurt, turmoil of those beginning days stepping Out of the FOG I feel it all again.  I didn't need to do much asserting of my own boundaries for mine to disengage. Really depressingly little in retrospect  (though it felt like opening my mouth and uttering the Crutiatus curse ).  I don't  know 'where' we are right now except that something massive changed ( in me). It is like I grew up several decades in 1 year. And she can't bear it. And part of  growing up is me realizing if she chooses to be ignorey ( because that is her programming) then I cant fix that. I can only be me. And if I am me - actual me - then she cannot handle.  I wasn't ready for the pain and the grief and the  awareness  back then. It does feel like the old  classic thing  - you stop being the  thing they need you to be - you are dropped. 'Well if you are going to be like that' -  (('Like what ?  - Like , myself?' Yes lady I think I am.))  But you used to go 'no no, no mummy I am sorry' , and its okay again, she feels better and so your hurting stops. 

The ignorey ones must really hate themselves inside so much to  behave this way. But that isn't my hate to work on. My own self -hate is a hard enough job to erase!  Yes there is a peace in being ignored, for me it is about  the proof the pudding  - this is what I feared, suspected, would happen. Was I ready to see? And the peace is mine - its me that came to peace with tolerating those feelings long enough to allow them to pass into acceptance.  See how we have grown into a fine  fledgling Fightsong!

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Malini

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #11 on: July 11, 2017, 06:12:49 AM »
Ignoring or engulfing...two sides of the same coin.

The bottom line being that we learn and have to accept that we have no voice and they don't love us, never have and never will.

We are merely tools or pawns to them, and they use engulfing, stalking, silent treatment, shunning, ignoring etc to corral us into compliance and do the job we were born to do which is feed their narcissism and make them feel good about themselves.

Instead of them loving us unconditionally, the tables are turned and we love them unconditionally and set aside hurt and shame, forgive them for the abusive way they treated us as kids, find excuses for their behaviours in the hope that one day, they will shine their light on us and say 'I love you and am proud of you and respect your life choices and will support you and be there for you should you need me'

Whichever side the coin falls on, we all have to deal with feelings of abandonment or crushing fear, anxiety, self esteem issues, anger, impotence, injustice, denial, loss, grief, etc.

I can see why being ignored might be seen as a perk, but for me, living around the corner from my folks, I was regularly confronted with the ignoring and shunning if I ever bumped into them by chance and the evil stare and turning away as if I was a leper pierced my inner child's heart each and every time.
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practical

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #12 on: July 11, 2017, 09:29:02 AM »
This is a really interesting and helpful discussion as my relationship with F is falling apart right now. It is helping me understand why he seems to be making no effort, and it also made me realize in a way I was enmeshed with him too.

M was suffocating in the way that she tried to insert herself into my life, not allowing any individuation, thinking we should be joined by the hip, and putting the burden of me being the agent of her happiness openly on me. She never really ignored me, during NC she would come up with stories of why I wasn't part of her life that had nothing to do with the real reasons, but once I reentered her life, she tried to be in mine again, recreate the enmeshment, and I struggled to keep her at bay.

F on the other hand seemed always ignoring in comparison to M, but I'm starting to realize he wasn't, except he didn't want to be my BFF, he wanted me to be his Alexa, his private secretary and jack of all trades and I was for years. He demanded something to be done for him, and I did it in double time. I did it again and again, even when he sabotaged what I had done for him, or it wasn't good enough and I had to start over. He suffocated part of my life in a more covert way, by taking so much of my time and energy away from me. He allowed limited individuation as long as it didn't interfere with what he needed from me. Now that I'm asserting my right to be an independent person and refuse to fill these functions for him, refuse to be part of his self-created drama, I'm apparently discarded like an old sock with holes.

I think part of why I never quite saw it is also that M was very physical with hugs and kisses and wanting plenty of those, while F cannot deal well with physical interaction. I don't remember ever getting a kiss from him even like a good night kiss as a child while I gave him one every night or getting a real hug. M was blatantly overwhelming, F was covert.

I do think underneath the enmeshment the ignoring parent is always present, because the enmeshment isn't about us, it is about them, we as persons, as individuals don't exist. This being unseen is one of the major thinks I have been and am struggling with, a feeling of emotional loneliness that goes back to my childhood. Part of the enmeshment was also parentification and emotional incest, so in a way I didn't have parents, despite the enmeshment. It is as if the enmeshment is with an object not us as a person and when the object malfunctions it gets put out at the curb to be collected on garbage day, we are then openly ignored.
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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #13 on: July 11, 2017, 11:06:26 AM »
My NBM has only two daughters, no sons.  As much as I'm overtly disliked by NBM, and clearly neglected, my GC "princess" nsis is blatantly favored, but also hyper-enmeshed and inseparably entwined with our NBM.  I think adult nsis has zero emotional separation and no personal privacy from NBM's notion that nsis IS our mother, offering NBM relived "do-over" life-experience via this obvious deeply-entrenched enmeshment.  As a consequence, NBM is nsis' resolute #1 cheerleader, household organizer, and personal shopper, with "price" of being NBM's BFF "mini-me".   My enabler-enforcer NF has often opined to me: "your sister (nsis) has it worse", at those few instances when I've unburdened myself to him about how truly hurtful NBM's demeanor towards me has been, as if I've no right to complain, because I "got away".     

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argh

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #14 on: July 11, 2017, 12:30:57 PM »
I think this is a pretty insensitive post - I wouldn't go on a disabled forum and say how thrilled I am that I'm not disabled. I also think it shows an ignorance and lack of understanding of the dynamics and impact of the "two sides of the same coin" of enmeshment and ignoring.

What you mean is that in your personal and individual circumstances you think that you find ignoring easier to deal with (and may a point out that a strong presence on this website indicates that in fact it is far from easy for you to deal with). I think this is a classic case of using other peoples pain to make you feel better. Which I would have thought was the opposite of what this forum is about? I was very disappointed to read this here.

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all4peace

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #15 on: July 11, 2017, 12:54:51 PM »
I think this is a pretty insensitive post - I wouldn't go on a disabled forum and say how thrilled I am that I'm not disabled. I also think it shows an ignorance and lack of understanding of the dynamics and impact of the "two sides of the same coin" of enmeshment and ignoring.

What you mean is that in your personal and individual circumstances you think that you find ignoring easier to deal with (and may a point out that a strong presence on this website indicates that in fact it is far from easy for you to deal with). I think this is a classic case of using other peoples pain to make you feel better. Which I would have thought was the opposite of what this forum is about? I was very disappointed to read this here.
I'm going to try very hard to not overreact to your post.

First of all, your analogy doesn't work. I live next door to engulfing/enmeshed PD ILs.
I was raised by an abusive/now ignoring N parent.

I am not a non, raised by nons, surrounded by nons, coming onto this forum saying "Sucks to be you! Sure glad my parents and ILs are fabulous!"

I am simply acknowledging that there are some pros to the pain of having an ignoring parent. Just like there are likely some pros to the pain of having an engulfing parent.

My "strong presence" on this site has been often in trying to support others in their struggles, and mainly in the IL forum where I am, in fact, trying to deal with an enmeshed/engulfing PD IL family. I never said either is easy to deal with. Both are incredibly painful to deal with. But it does help me sometimes to look for the positives, and at this moment in time I am grasping for the positive aspects of having an ignoring parent.

I'm truly sorry if my post triggered you. I don't agree with your assessment, but I did not intend to upset anyone and am sorry that it clearly upset you.
« Last Edit: July 11, 2017, 12:56:58 PM by all4peace »

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argh

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #16 on: July 11, 2017, 01:32:06 PM »
Thanks.  Sorry -  I think your post could have been worded better, but yes I think it did clearly trigger something with me didn't it. I think I'm having a worse day than I realised. So sorry for my overreaction.

I think it triggered that horrible feeling of just being so alone with the suffering - I have had SO MANY people when I've trusted them to tell them about my situation do that thing of "oh how awful for you, not a problem for me in my cosy happy little life" or the alternative where they get a thrill from your suffering. Including a number of therapists. I just don't understand why no one (of the MANY therapists I've tried) can just acknowledge the awful pain and still support me in recovering from it.

Ugh - I am in a bad way again I think. I'm finding it harder and harder to bounce back. Sorry - don't mean to hijack the thread...

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all4peace

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #17 on: July 11, 2017, 01:46:38 PM »
argh, I'm so sorry.  :bighug: I have always coped with pain through humor and dismissiveness. I am about to spend time with my mom this week, and my body is a mess right now. My face is breaking out and my guts are in serious distress. i really, really feel the pain of having an ignoring M. I truly do. And I hurt for every single person who didn't get the parents they needed. It leaves a lifetime of loss, grief, gaps, inability, pain.

I am coming to fully grieve the loss that my children have by the sheer fact that 2 SG married each other. They have parents who love each other and are committed, and they have a gaping hole where grandparents should be, aunts and uncles on one side, cousins on one side. Sometimes the pain is so bottomless and big and deep and black that it is unfaceable. And I have to find the positives lest I get swallowed whole.

For us to be hospitalized 3 times this year without a parental visit? There is a terrible pain in that. A sense of being unlovable and unworthy. I feel like DH and I are "damaged goods" in all our relationships because of the ways we are unloved by those who we wish would love us the most. I feel like I have so much less to offer my children than many parents can. I have been struggling for 2 years with anxiety and depression, my body is trying to get sick every time I turn around, my energy is terrifyingly low (my job requires a lot of energy), my marriage has been strained to the max, and I worry about overburdening my friendships in trying to cope.

I am so terribly sorry that my post felt like another instance of someone being dismissive of this kind of pain. I am so sorry. I really hope you're in a situation where you can keep looking for a T until you find one who can fully sit with you in your pain, and acknowledge the suffering child inside, and fully hold that gently. I can't take time right now, but hope to later, to look up some of your posts so I can better understand what your suffering has been. Argh, I have found that my friends who come from healthy families cannot understand my story. There are very few people who can, and I have finally learned to stop sharing the pain with those who just cannot get it. They just don't have the context, and they try to make it match their life experience, but they just can't.

To everyone who has read this thread, please know my intention was never dismissiveness. Any kind of parenting besides functional, loving and supportive is terribly painful. I remember being a young child once, my brother and I shut inside a room for safety, our parents absolutely raging on the other side of the door, fighting with each other. I still remember turning to my brother and laughing about the fact that it was their anniversary. We both laughed ourselves sick, young children that we were. That's what I was doing here. Trying to find the humor in unbearable situations. It's the way I made it through many things in life so far. But I forgot how offensive and insensitive this can be, and I'm truly sorry for anyone who felt unseen, unheard or triggered.
« Last Edit: July 11, 2017, 02:32:38 PM by all4peace »

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #18 on: July 11, 2017, 02:20:06 PM »
This is one of the things I absolutely love about this place. It's a place of security where we can express our deepest feelings, we can even express our discomfort in the words of each other when it's done so in the way it has happened here in this thread. The calm maturity both emotionally and mentally that we can grow to have here is something I don't believe I would have found anywhere else other than this safe place.

All4Peace, I can't speak for others but I totally understood where you were coming from and maybe that's because we've been here so long on these boards together traveling this journey.

No neither the ignoring nor the engulfing is ideal and that's sort of where I was headed with my post. What we all long and wish for is to have a non PD parent but that is not what we got and not what we have to deal with on a daily basis (even if we're not in contact on a daily basis the pain in our heart and our soul is often something we deal with on a daily basis in one way or another so it seems). We all wish to be loved for ourselves as an individual rather than be punished for being an individual human being.

Rather than celebrating our uniqueness and having joy in observing us live our life it is fought against, envied, squashed, any number of punishments. That makes me even more grateful that we can join here to celebrate our uniqueness, to cheer each other on in our Journey, to rejoice over each other's emotional and mental healing, to share our battle stories and our sadness so we can put a virtual arm around each other in comfort.
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argh

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Re: The perks of having an ignoring N parent
« Reply #19 on: July 11, 2017, 02:25:11 PM »
Oh god I'm SO SORRY - seriously it was a total overreaction on my part - entirely about my own issues. A real sign for me that I'm back in The Pit Of Despair and need to do something about digging myself out of it again. I never realise until I start having hissy fits like that. Not a thing to do with you.

The hospitalisation non visit is really horrible isn't it. When I was suicidal a couple of years ago my mother - so "desperately worried about me" - wouldn't come and help me (well, said that she would, but then long and convoluted story that the government wouldn't let her to that I won't go into now), but in every phone call she made a point of how important it was that I write a will. So in fact (after my hissy fit), I do think that you are right that there can be "positives" to an ignoring parent.

As for your children - I worry terribly about my nieces and nephew and found a great article the other day which unfortunately I can't find again but will try and dig up - it was research that said that as long as there was one person who showed "unconditional love" or whatever you call it a child was much less likely to have any impact of disordered family members - and they didn't even need to live with that person. So, yeah, its a shame that your kids don't have that other "family" stuff - but its not at all crucial for the longer term functionality and with nice parents they're way ahead of the game.

So sorry again!