I need help and am scared

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I need help and am scared
« on: July 18, 2017, 03:35:52 AM »
So last Tuesday at least 9 years of increasingly erratic, antisocial, and massively destructive behavior came to a screeching halt for me.  I don't know what is wrong with me but I know it is not anywhere in the ballpark of normal.  My brother has been very helpful and brought me to our home town and had me over for the week.  He's had troubles of his own so it's nice to have someone that kinda understands.  I get settled, help out around the house, and start going to AA meetings with him and at his suggestion.  I find them really helpful for the most part and I've been trying to have a positive attitude although I'm in a pretty deep malaise a lot of the time.  I am approaching AA with a pretty good attitude and trying to genuinely get something out of it.  I tell him that I'm enjoying it but that to be honest I feel something deeper is wrong with me.  He's a bit of a narcissist and assures me that I have the same problem he has.  I tell him that I get some of his point, but reiterate that I think something is really wrong with me and that I'm not sure AA needs to be my first and last stop.  He insists that we have the same problem again.  We do share similarities but are also polar opposites in many ways.  So whatever.  For many years I was terrified that I was a psychopath but I don't think that's close to the case tbh.  I've read about all kinds of shit trying to pinpoint what my massive defects mean and I guess BPD best fits the mold although I'm the least violent person on earth...one good quality.  So I mention that I think I need to see a doctor because I check off a whole hell of a lot of boxes on that one.  He responds that I'm trying to manipulate him and our family with an excuse...that really threw me for a loop.  I tell him that he's not listening to me when I try and tell him that I think something's seriously wrong with me and frankly it doesn't make much difference when you're completely non functioning anyways.  I was rather shaken that he called me out in front of everyone for trying to manipulate through an excuse.  I'm a walking, talking paradox and I agonize a lot over the things I do.  Well I tried to go to sleep last night and I started obsessing over him suggesting I was being manipulative in that scenario.  I began to frantically wonder if I was in fact trying to be manipulative and didn't sleep very much.  This morning I had the house to myself and I was kinda paralyzed by that thought.  I was shaking and wondering if everything I thought was an attempt to manipulate in some way.  I went up in the attic and just laid there and couldn't really think and I basically blacked out for 6 hours breathing crazily.  I could not physically bring myself to move and in a brief period of being able to think halfway straight I wondered again if me lying on the floor was some attempt at manipulation if someone were to see me.  I went and climbed in bed for a bit and tried to settle down and then headed downstairs.  I'm still in a bit of a trance trying to figure out what is real and what is not real and I can't decide on anything.  I sat there all night wondering if telling my mom that I was up there on the floor for six hours breathing heavily and blacking out would be manipulative because I don't even know.  I don't know if I planned it as a dramatic episode or what and I can't tell if any of my thoughts are real.  Typing this out was therapeutic but I am afraid to tell anyone that I think I need to go to the doctor.


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Re: I need help and am scared
« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2017, 10:59:29 AM »
Definitely seek professional help. Starting with general practitioner to rule out any medical issues. He or she will refer you to any needed mental or emotional health resources.

Out of the FOG provides information and support to the family members and loved-ones of individuals who suffer from a personality disorder. So you can discuss issues with your N brother but if the doctor diagnoses PD see links under Resources at the top of the forum for information on your own healing.

Many people raised in an abusive environment sometimes have Fleas or cPTSD so you can check the links in Traits and Toolbox for information.

Wishing you peace and healing.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
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