Why them & not us?

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Gladiola23

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Re: Why them & not us?
« Reply #20 on: July 26, 2017, 12:24:19 AM »
I've also wondered why I am the way I am. My sister is much more dependent than I am. She's coming Out of the FOG, but still wants a relationship with my abusive parents, including my NPD father who molested her. My father wasnt good to me either, but I wanted to get as far away as possible. My NPD father, who has caused a majority of the problems in our family was called the "white sheep" in his family. He came from an incredibly dysfunctional family and got married, became very good at his job, got the big house. Everything looked great on the outside, but wasn't on the inside. I'm not as "prosperous" as my father has been, but I think my life is richer in relationships and experiences he could not have.

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sandpiper

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Re: Why them & not us?
« Reply #21 on: July 27, 2017, 07:21:55 AM »
I think that I was lucky enough to have a series of people in my life - not family - who loved me, and who made a tremendous effort to give something of themselves to me. I don't think my sisters had that. They had relatives on their mother's side of the family who were stressed out with their own trials and burdens (children of their own born with serious disabilities) - so I think that while I found the occasional lush oasis filled with love, my sisters kind of lucked out and they probably trekked through the desert, running on empty in terms of being loved and nurtured.
They had my mother, but seeing as my T seemed to think she was the main source of my damage (and not uBPDad, as I'd been heavily brainwashed to believe) - perhaps that was something that counted against their long-term recovery even while she helped them through the short-term trauma of it all.
Therapy put paid to any illusions I had about my mother.
T: 'Tell me about your mother, Piper.'
Me: 'Oh she was wonderful.'
T: 'Really? Tell me about the wonderful things she did.'
Me: looks confused. 'Um...' can think of absolutely nothing to report, and instead start thinking about all the times when we clashed, instead.
Smart therapist, that. They knew their narcissistic family dynamics, that's for sure.

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ICantThinkOfAName

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Re: Why them & not us?
« Reply #22 on: July 28, 2017, 03:07:47 PM »
This is a very well thought out and interesting discussion.  I'm a bit scared to add my 2 cents here for fear of looking less schooled on this subject, but away with the Fear!  I'm not sure about the 100% nurture part considering you can have children all from the same family that have completely different personalities.  Every child has a different way of looking at the world, I think almost at birth.  Not every child is born with the same abilities, just look at the savants who can play the most amazing music at the age of 9, when even professional musicians may have taken their entire lives to just learn that one piece of music. 

There is no amount of nurturing or brain training, neuro-plasticity that will get you to learn a musical instrument in that time frame.  The ability is there.  It's almost as if they already knew it at birth.  That being said, without the proper training or instruction, the savant would not know how to play at all. 

I think that some PDs are almost savant-like in their ability to hide their fears and egos in such egregious ways.  They are not stupid but again they had to learn it somewhere. 

To the point of why us not them?  I think it's 3 things.  1.  The availability of information.  There are so many self-help books now that didn't exist back then.   2.  The stigma of mental illness.  Yes it is there to a degree, but it's much more socially acceptable to admit you have a problem and you might need some help.  3.  Insight.  Probably more than anything the willingness to shine that light, painful as it may be, on yourself and try to do better.  There may be a point of no return for this I do not know.  If you've spent your whole life defending who you are, then all of a sudden you realize you are actually an A$$ square, that's going to hurt.  But weirdly enough, they have enough insight to understand that it's going to hurt if they shine that light, so therefore, they already know they are an A$$ square, just how big of one is the only question they don't want answered. 

Great discussion!