I'm missing out

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I'm missing out
« on: July 23, 2017, 09:10:34 AM »
This is just another one of those things I think I'm just going to have to let go of but it hurts just the same.

My ds (10) told me tonight that his Nsmum took him to choose new glasses frames this weekend. His Dad (my u/npd exH) wasn't there.

Ds and his Nsmum chose frames without consulting his biological parents for their guidance or approval.

U/npd exH I'm sure couldn't care less. But this is yet another thing that I'm being robbed of. Yes, it seems petty. Yes, she's meeting a need of my son's, being a "responsible" step parent.  But it's my job to guide my son in his choice of glasses frames. It's not her job. 

My role of mum is constantly being pushed out of my reach. I'm not being allowed to be ds's mum in so many ways.  Yes the things I'm being forced out of are mundane,  boring annoying etc. But they're MY responsibility.

Being a parent is a privelege and a blessing.  Even the annoying and boring things. I should be given the responsibility to do those things. Ds's father has opted out but won't let me do them. And his Nwife does it all for her own glory.

I'm too old now to have more children. (No one's around to have any with anyway.) Ds is the only child I have or ever will have and I'm constantly being robbed of the role of his Mum - by his Nsmum!

I'm really angry and hurt. Thanks for letting me vent.

AOD

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Re: I'm missing out
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2017, 11:26:51 AM »
I suppose buying ds glasses frames is like buying him clothes. I don't expect u/npd exH to get my approval or guidance for that. I probably shouldn't for the glasses frames either.

I think it's more the fact that NSmum did it instead of one of ds' s biological parents.

AOD

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redfish

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Re: I'm missing out
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2017, 11:51:18 AM »
I'd be upset too. Upset that the choice of participating was taken away/not offered, and that someone else was helping themselves to my role. It would really bug me that I wasn't even notified, that I was treated like I didn't exist. I believe you have every right to be upset!
Is your Ds comfortable with others just taking on your or his other parent's roles?
I went through some similar stuff with my older kid's stepmother. She went and had my daughter's long, long hair cut into a bob w/o asking or telling me. I didn't find out until she was dropped off to me after a long wknd at Her father's. I was BEYOND mad. And my daughter was upset her 'princess' hair was gone :-(

What would happen if you asked to be consulted about glasses and other things like that? Or have you done that already?
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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Latchkey

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Re: I'm missing out
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2017, 12:17:13 PM »
Reading your posts I often have to think back to my former role as Stepmom with my stepsons. I was the only functional parent as both bio parents were PD. So yes, I was the one taking the kids for haircuts and glasses. At the time I always focused on the kids needs. It saddens me to see someone abusing this privilege to help these kids who are caught in the middle of this. I'm also much more aware ... now that I've become friendlier with my stepsons bpd mom that she really felt left out of things. We now share a common n/aspd ex and if I had to do it over I'd have left more to the bio parents to work out.

AOD, at 10-12 years old, your DS should be making more and more decisions like this on his own. As he gets older I'd try to focus as much on what you can do with him that allows him to grow into his own person. Maybe you can take him to get the spare pair or a pair for sports activities.

You may have lost this one but there are so many other fascinating things going on in his life and hopefully you can be there with him.  It sounds like very soon Nstepmom will be dealing with a teen who will not be so easy to control or use for mommy power grabs.

 :bighug:
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mamato3

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Re: I'm missing out
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2017, 03:50:32 PM »
I'm sorry. I can feel the hurt in your post and it makes my heart heavy.  Is there any way you can get insurance for your DS so that the medical stuff isn't all under their control? Is that even a possibility?

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WesternLover

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Re: I'm missing out
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2017, 08:32:45 PM »
Hi AOD - I know that icky feeling as well. It can really hurt you to your soul. The first four years of my son's life his uNPD/uASPD had gotten back together with his on and off girlfriend of  20 + years. I really wanted to have a cordial, healthy, coparenting among us. However, dad was going around telling mutual friends that his girlfriend would make a much better mother than me, and that she should be his mother. (Gee, maybe you should have had your own kid with her then  :aaauuugh:)

It would really get to me too because when the three of them were out together, and people did assume she was the biomom and said stuff like "your son is very handsome", she would say thank you and not bother to correct them.  The two of them would just act as if - this how mutual friends and PD's family reported to me they were acting.   Part of me was always so scared and hurt that they would be successful in excluding me, and my son would prefer her and love her more - with all that I had been through already in the situation, this would be the ultimate kick in the pants.

It never happened though. I really do believe blood is thicker than water and as long as your a decent mom (which is sounds like you are a great mom), it's near impossible to kill the bond between a mother and a child, especially forever. Sometimes parental alienation tactics are successful, but only in the short-term I think.

The only way I was able to come to terms with this was to try to develop gratitude that "step-mom" (it's beyond PD dad to ever get married) wanted to treat DS as her own son. Yes it really sucked in ways, and it hurt, but I said to myself at least it's better than her totally despising him, and being entirely resentful at his existence. I'd much rather see him in a situation like this than one where he was belittled, mistreated and abused. Let her fawn all over him and spoil him rotten, and take care of him because at least she can do the grunt work of parenting where dad is totally is inept at best. At least with her around, I know he is getting his basic needs met.

PDs will always draw a line in the sand, and figuratively say "this is my world, you stay on your side of the fence, you are not welcome in mine." They also get a kick out of making you feel small and insignificant. I just began to roll my eyes at the two of them, and blow it off. Every time I would pick my son up after spending time with them, he would give me a super long hug. He always really liked his step mom, but it was obvious the bond was different.

Eventually PD dad just became his usual unbearable self and she literally headed for the hills anyway. She was pretty co-dependent though, so maybe after the 4th or 5th time he kicked her out of the house, her family did an intervention. I think they blocked her from going back, hopefully, for her sake. Whatever the reason, she now lives about 250 miles away from him.

Hang in there!  It's the little things like this that can make you feel really under-minded, so it's not petty.
« Last Edit: July 23, 2017, 09:15:11 PM by WesternLover »

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A_newlife2014

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Re: I'm missing out
« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2017, 08:58:25 PM »
I don't think it's petty at all, and I think it's highly possible, given your comments about your relationship with her in general and having been pushed out before, that the new stepmom knew exactly what she was doing and did it on purpose. A little power play.

If you decide to attempt to address it, or if you decide it will just create more problems than it solves, I support you either way and I get it. But don't do their work for them even more my trivializing your feelings about it or your role as your son's MOM. It's not petty at all, and it's not your imagination. She is trying to make you feel small. You can't control her attempt, but don't give her the satisfaction of you feeling sh**tty, disrupting your life. You are your son's MOM. She can buy him 1,000 frames, but there is only one YOU and your son knows that.

 :bighug:

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Re: I'm missing out
« Reply #7 on: July 25, 2017, 09:32:36 AM »
Thank-you, All, so much for your replies.  I'm somewhat calmer now.

Redfish - Ds doesn't get that his SMum's over-involvement is inappropriate.  He also doesn't get that his Dad's under involvement is wrong.

I suspect ds is not going to understand that until he's married with kids of his own and his wife puts her foot down regarding the boundry stomping of his NSmum regarding his kids.

I've been thinking lately about how I'd like to warn his future wife about his NSmum. Now that would be an interesting conversation!

I can well imagine how you felt when your daughter was returned with such a drastic haircut. That must have been awful.

My u/npd exH (or more likely,  his Nwife) has the monopoly on ds' s haircuts.  I don't get a look in.

One time they gave him a no.1 all over, and the same weekend his new glasses arrived. They were round like Harry Potter's. He went to his weekly sports game, tall and skinny, almost no hair and oversized glasses.   He looked like a child from a WWII concentration camp.  I felt sick looking at him.

I've asked before to be notified regarding glasses etc but it just results in u/npd exH raging and nothing changing.  I should say though, that every now and then he does do the right thing and let me know stuff like this is happening.  Just not all the time. Like he's feeding me crumbs.

Latchkey - good on you for becoming friendlier with your ex's ex.  The thought of that happening for me sends chills up my spine.  Nup. No way. Never.

I agree that ds needs to start making many of these decisions on his own.  If he'd been with me the decision would have been his, unless his choice was impractical or inappropriate for school standards.

Regarding ds soon being a teenager and not so easy for Nsmum to control - bring it on!  I often wonder how they will manage as he starts to recognise their apalling behaviour and calls them out on it.  If that happens.

Mamato3 - Ah, insurance!  Talk about a bat for pds to use in their powerplay.

I can't afford insurance. They have ds covered on their policy but they won't give me access to it. So to use it they have to be at appointments.  And "they", of course, means NSmum and usually not his father.

Where we live you don't have to use the insurance if you have it. Thankfully our public health facilities are very good and Medicare helps. So I can manage to look after ds without their insurance. Unless he gets really sick and needs ongoing expensive attention.

WesternLover - You've been through so much!  I'm also glad that Smum takes care of ds's needs and that he likes (thinks the sun shines out of) her.  And like you, I need her to pick up ds' s father's slack.

I'm really glad I kept my married name as it helps me prove to doctors etc that I am ds' s mum and not her. Many's the time I've had to do so. I can't wait to get rid of the surname when ds is an adult.

Like you, I no longer feel small or insignificant around the pds. Usually it's water off a duck's back.  But now and then I feel hurt and angry, as I did the other night.

So glad you got the long hugs!  Mine are few and far between these days.  :'(

And thank-you. Yes. I'm a b....y good Mum!

A_Newlife - yes. I think NSmum knew exactly what she was doing and was in cahoots with ds' s dad.

I won't be following up on it.  It would change nothing and it would just be feeding the pds.

I did say a little to ds about it though,  to hopefully plant the seed. I don't think he gets it though.

Thanks again, Folks.

AOD

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Re: I'm missing out
« Reply #8 on: August 07, 2017, 02:48:47 AM »
So, I changed my mind.

I didn't hear a thing from u/npd exH about the glasses until the day they were picked up. He emailed me that if anything happened to them while ds is in my care I was responsible for replacing them. (Of course!)  But that I would need to do so at the store they bought them at, which is an hour's drive away.

 I've just now sent an email to u/npd exH saying I would of course replace them or have them mended, but at a store local to me and to the limit of what I can afford.

I also said it was inappropriate that I was not informed and inappropriate that neither of ds' s biological parents were involved in the decision.  And to please leave future matters in my hands if he is unable to attend to them personally.

So I await the storm. Probably from both him and his Nwife.

Ds' s glasses look - interesting. (My little man's growing up! :'(

AOD

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Re: I'm missing out
« Reply #9 on: August 07, 2017, 02:57:59 AM »
Just realised I'll be seeing one or both of them in a few hours. Oh. Dear.  Should have waited til tomorrow to send the email.

Pray for me!

AOD

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Stepping lightly

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Re: I'm missing out
« Reply #10 on: August 07, 2017, 01:40:06 PM »
Hi AOD,

How'd it go when you saw them? 

My Sks are old enough now (10/12), we don't escort them in/out of the door during exchanges.  BM AND her BF come straight up to our door during exchanges instead of waiting in the car.  They  use this opportunity to make digs at DH or start conflict.  I started "hiding" out of site, but within earshot as a witness (just seeing them made me sick to my stomach).  Now DH "hides" with me so neither of us have to deal with them.  The kids are quite able to walk in/out the door on their own....they could walk all the way to BM's car, but then she wouldn't have an opportunity to create conflict (yet- she claims she is so scared of DH- which is why BF is always there with her to protect her.....the car is safe :-)).

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Re: I'm missing out
« Reply #11 on: August 08, 2017, 09:59:10 AM »
Thanks, Stepping lightly.

It wasn't a changeover but ds's training night for an extra curricular sports activity.

Usually the NSmum is there. She's the team manager afterall. But she wasn't there last night. WooHoo!

U/npd ex H was there but he didn't speak to me as usual. NSmum often does.

So all good.  And surprisingly I still haven't received a lambasting email from either of them. Maybe they're saving it for another occasion. ...

Your changeovers sound the same as ours.  U/npd exH stays at the car and doesn't look at me. Smum comes up to the door and knocks loudly and insistently. Sometimes I'm at the door with ds, sometimes not.  I do hide quite often.

When ex first left, his woman was with him every time there was a changeover. He couldn't cope being near me. I must be so scary!

AOD