A decade later...

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Doe-Eyes

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A decade later...
« on: July 24, 2017, 07:17:22 PM »
Where do I start, so many members on either side of my family and now my husband's family with issues. I am NC with my Bio-Dad and BP (2) MIL (also possible uNPD/EnFIL, I'm TO with my SOO, TO with my UPD BIL, LC with my BP2 bio-mom.  Many instances of mental health issues on both sides of the family.

I guess I need advice, support, reality check re the latest situation which caught me offguard. After more than a decade NC with my Bio-dad, he tracked down my husband's place of work and sent a package including a letter and personal documents (I changed my name replaced all of them years ago). To make it more complicated my husband hid this package from me (I found it) and in the letter my uNPD abusive BioDad said to do this if the package would upset our marriage. It felt like he was grooming my DH, I confronted my DH told him how hurt I was that he thought I could not handle this with him. It did come during a time when we were moving and I was dealing with health issues, but that was months ago and he never found a time to bring it up even in couples therapy. Admittedly my marriage has its issues and one of them is timing of DH waking up to dysfunction in his FOO, it only happened with me which has made me an easy SG for his family. He always excused his TO with family as being "for me", or framed his choices to avoid conflict as noble and "for me" and not about his own mental health. We are currently in therapy together, our T recommended he see individual to assess if he has an uPD. She is great, first person who has seen past his everything is great facade to the unhealthy family history and I feel cautiously hopeful, and at the very least supported.

Back to the breaking of NC. I have religiously protected my email and address, any family member on bio-dad's side including SOO have had to promise me not to share, which is why I think he went around them to reach out to DH. Basically it feels like DH was being groomed for more future contact, and also letter was written in a way that if read by me let me know "he is watching". This is not the first time my bio-dad has tried to bait me, in fact its been on and off since I left as a minor to live with bio-mom family. I won't go into why I am NC with bio-dad, not sure how to handle trigger warning as he was abusive, also not sure if I should add trigger warning to this post since I'm new.

Where do I go from here, how to I enforce this boundary stomp, it feels like this is the precursor to more if we work through our issues and decide to have kids and that terrifies me. This came at a time when he was truly far from my mind, building a new home and life and having him able to invade it makes me want to get a restraining order, but part of me knows that is what he wants - bc any contact will let him know he has affected me. Anyone been NC this long have experiences with pushes like this? It feels like stalking, harassment, but should I do something or let it go and focus on my marriage. It's fresh so I know if I give it a few weeks I may start to feel normal again, and right now that's the direction I'm heading but wanted to get some opinions on if that is safe and smart or if I should be taking this invasion of privacy as a serious offense.   
« Last Edit: July 24, 2017, 07:24:02 PM by Doe-Eyes »

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big questions

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Re: A decade later...
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2017, 04:09:08 AM »
Oh Doe Eyes, I'm so sorry! That sounds so scary. I am only several weeks into NC with my bio-dad, and he tried to contact me once, and it spooked me something fierce. I can't imagine what it's like to go ten years and have him make attempts to get back. You are very wise: it definitely seems like he is grooming to get to you. You are not wrong at all for thinking that, and it's good for you to express that to your h, even though he may not understand as well as you do.

I'm not sure what advice to give you, honestly, I just wanted to let you know someone hears you and understands and sympathizes. Since you seem to be pretty happy with the therapist, maybe you can bring up your concerns then.
How you toughen against hardness is what makes you soft.

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Doe-Eyes

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Re: A decade later...
« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2017, 11:33:12 AM »
big questions

Wishing you luck on your NC journey, its not an easy one and the hardest those first few weeks/months/years when every holiday brings questions about family and brings it up. It's even harder if you have someone who is actively trying to break the NC   :no:  I hope you're ok.

It's hard to explain to others who haven't experienced this, bc those attempts to break the silence are never as simple as they seem, like my bio-dad using the guise of "documents" or inheritance or something that lends the attempt legitimacy but accompanies it with things that make it more sinister, one time early on he sent life of pi for my birthday, no card, no note, and I spent months trying to understand what he meant by it, what was trying to say with that book - I didn't actually read it bc I didn't want to know, but I spent too much time thinking about it. That I think is what he wanted, space in my mind, or maybe for me to go crazy wondering and break down and contact him to ask... the baiting is always personal and gets easier the longer the NC bc he has less and less info about my life. But now he knows who my DH is, where he works, what he does and is reaching out & trying to relate to HIM not me... that is something I didn't prepare for. This will definitely be something that gets brought up on our next therapy visit  :roll:

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xredshoesx

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Re: A decade later...
« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2017, 11:04:08 PM »
Welcome to the forum doe-eyed,

My DH knows exactly why I am NC with bio mother and also knows how angry I would be if he acted as a go-between, or flying monkey, for her.  I don't blame you for being angry. I'm really glad to hear you have a safe place with your T to discuss this.  You are right, people don't get it until they've been the recipient of PD/uPD behaviors.  It looks like you've found some resources already on the other boards, and I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing. Please let us know how the therapy session went.

See you around