Going limited contact same small town

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4mya

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Going limited contact same small town
« on: July 26, 2017, 04:22:32 PM »
I have tried endlessly to use tools around my family (covert Narc mom and Narc brother) both undiagnosed. The entire family thinks I am the one with issues as I set boundaries and have limited contact I become more and more an outcast and my mom is VERY the covert narc type - behind closed doors is the only way you really see the abuse.
I have a therapist I have been working with who is very well trained in this area and is the only way I have come this far. But I am considering going back to very limited contact again. After having my daughter recently I loosened boundaries and things have become toxic again. I guess I thought things were better and was fooled into "helping" role again or fixing the family role...now I am trying to limit again and the pain is coming up just like before. I feel strong again but struggle with how much to see them what I can handle and stay strong.
I feel like in the small town it is SO hard because how can you go limited contact when they live 1 mile away...

Anyone with similar experience ?

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all4peace

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Re: Going limited contact same small town
« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2017, 05:16:20 PM »
Welcome, 4mya, and congratulations on your new little one!

I live next door to likely PD ILs, and we have almost no contact. It's possible. Of course it will mostly depend on how much your family tries to have contact with you, and what you are willing to do to hold your boundaries with them.

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4mya

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Re: Going limited contact same small town
« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2017, 05:40:44 PM »
thank you!!!  :D
It is so amazing to find this forum!!!
The small town is hard because run into them at stores ect...

I have been navigating this for several years with just my therapist unable to really talk about limited/NC with anyone so it feels good others are in a similar "boat"....My IL's are also very dysfunctional but unable to put a dx of PD on them as it took me until an adult to see it in my own family. I def. have boundaries there too...
after having our baby I was on this "high" and not thinking straight... I went right back into the dynamic and family placement (although still did not see them regularly if you are "in" you are "in" the family and that is what they thought- "I was back")  and within 3 months had lost myself again...it did bring full clarity though that I am dealing with real NPD/borderlines...
I am back working with my same therapist about 3 weeks now and it all is coming into full view. I am looking back over my pregnancy because mid/early pregnancy was when I decided to go from limited to more with my mom again.
IT is also really painful yet helpful to see the traits that I have from the past that I need to take full responsibility for to help not repeat this cycle in my daughter's life.
thanks again... helps to know someone is doing this with me

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practical

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Re: Going limited contact same small town
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2017, 09:07:52 PM »
Welcome to OOTF!

Congratulations on your baby  :)

It is easy to slip back into our old roles, even once we have become aware of them. A dysfunctional family is a whole system and it engulfs you easily. You show great awareness in seeing it and reaching out for help to your T to disentangle yourself. Being limited contact in a small town sounds difficult, maybe a tool like Medium Chill will help you to get through by chance encounters http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill . You might find other topics in the Toolbox     that might help you, whether with managing your interactions or in your own growth and healing.

I'm happy you have found us, having others does make this journey easier.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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4mya

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Re: Going limited contact same small town
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2017, 11:59:46 PM »
Medium Chill- very helpful Thank you!

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Going limited contact same small town
« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2017, 02:47:02 PM »
I would say polite, MC conversation when you see them in public and however often you decide to see or talk with them. Don't share any personal details, struggles, etc. Maintain that you are very busy, which isn't too difficult when you have a baby to take care of. Decline any offers for help or babysitting by simply stating that you've "got it covered" or you already have a more convenient option that is working well for you.

Good luck & congrats on your baby. Take care!
How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego
~ Amanda Torroni

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4mya

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Re: Going limited contact same small town
« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2017, 03:50:20 PM »
Thank you!  :)
All replies are helpful as I am still in the process of unraveling the programmed self which is supported by a society which has no understanding of PD family.
And ...I am just in the beginning of forming a support system.

I wanted to leave this town after my final realization of PD family that I am in (with multiple PD's and Co-dpendents ect) and putting all the pieces together. But we have built a successful business here so trying to see how far I can get living here.
My therapist even suggested going out of town for weekends frequently and building community in town next to us 50 min away. This sounds strange to anyone who did not grow up in PD family.

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all4peace

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Re: Going limited contact same small town
« Reply #7 on: July 27, 2017, 05:22:33 PM »
My therapist even suggested going out of town for weekends frequently and building community in town next to us 50 min away. This sounds strange to anyone who did not grow up in PD family.
Not strange at all. It has been key for us to have a support system and social network outside of either family. The first summer I was dealing with massive anxiety (after surgery) next door to PD ILs, I left on a regular basis to go spend time with far-away friends, and it really helped me keep it together until I got other coping strategies in place. Both really great ideas!