contact over

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Fightsong

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contact over
« on: July 31, 2017, 01:53:26 PM »
 It leaves me feeling  stupid, confused, angry, chippy,  annoyed and hurting all in one ball. Even from this side of the FOG. Even with medium chill broken only by  assertive interjections that were relevant.

Why the string of lost days of  post contact haze, numbed out?

Conscious throughout, heavily scaffolded and with good self care all around. And still the pain seeps in.

My sighs are heavy,  my heart  hurts, softens and  hardens up all at the same time. Oh Mamma. Will you ever see me?  Can't you just come to my level and say - whats hurting you sweetheart? What can I do to help you? Why do you feel so? Can't you hold me and say 'even though you are grown up now I still love you and want to help you my love, because you are my daughter'.

Boy this pain, this paaaaaiiiiiiiiiin!!!!! :flat:

And yet, how far I have come.

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Amadahy

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Re: contact over
« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2017, 03:07:18 PM »
Oh, FS, I hear you.  And I affirm your strength on this journey.  To want to be loving and loved in spite of it all is sheer grace and tortuous, too.  So many shaken up, paradoxical emotions.  We're with you, not so much with answers, but holding your hand.  :hug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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longedforchild

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Re: contact over
« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2017, 07:43:54 PM »
The pain is so, so, real.

But yes...how far you've come!!! And how much farther you will continue to go, Out of the FOG and into the light!

You are strong.

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practical

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Re: contact over
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2017, 11:13:10 PM »
:bighug:
So sorry some of the toxicity made it through all your protection. I think it is Springbutterfly who says every contact comes at some cost to us and requires recovery. Fortunately you are so far OOTF it sets you somewhat back, it doesn't pull you into the FOG itself so, which speaks to your strength and amazing work you have done. And yes, that ball is like a Gordian knot of all these feelings. You are worthy of love and loveable, even if your M doesn't see it.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Fightsong

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Re: contact over
« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2017, 02:59:47 PM »
Thanks guys.

It just sucks doesn't it. But I do continue to grow in strength and  see more clearly, separating myself and  learning to love me. The true power of denial has come back to  me again and again. How  powerful it is, how  suffocating it is, how manipulative it can be as a tool - even when used unconsciously. And I too must have used it. I shudder to think, really when I look back into my denial days and see how deeply I was under the spell.

An angry part of me rages away, a  hurt part of me cries and  fawns, another part watches these others with helpless detachment and feels powerless.

So many parts of me. Me reclaimed. Me re-loved.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: contact over
« Reply #5 on: August 01, 2017, 05:37:05 PM »
Please remember to set aside sufficient time post contact to heal. Take as much as you need as your schedule allows, no limit. There's a list in Working on Yourself toolbox topic to get you started. Cry, scream, wrap yourself in a blanket, whatever it takes to soothe your aching soul, injured adult and inner child.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
Empowered  Growth blog

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raindrop

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Re: contact over
« Reply #6 on: August 01, 2017, 08:54:16 PM »
:bighug: It's amazing the effect they can have on us. I'm so sorry your mother is incapable of loving you as you deserve, and so glad that you are loving yourself.
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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daughterofbpd

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Re: contact over
« Reply #7 on: August 01, 2017, 09:23:19 PM »
Can't you just come to my level and say - whats hurting you sweetheart? What can I do to help you? Why do you feel so? Can't you hold me and say 'even though you are grown up now I still love you and want to help you my love, because you are my daughter'.
You know, my mom would love to say and do this if I let her. But then as soon as I told her what would help would be her treating me better or not talking to me like I'm worthless then it would be all over. She wouldn't be willing to make a small change of being nicer for her own daughter. She wouldn't even consider that maybe her diagnosis is right and that maybe she has a problem and maybe it's not all me. But she can't. I guess even though I'm not ignored, I still have the same problem of not really being seen. Not trying to hijack your thread, Fightsong, I was just thinking about how no matter what type of parent we have (suffocating or ignoring) the end result is still similar.

I think Practical and Spring Butterfly are right. I don't think any amount of healing will completely keep them from hurting us.

You are a strong and beautiful soul, Fightsong. Keep on singing.
How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego
~ Amanda Torroni