BPDm says she is scared of me????

  • 41 Replies
  • 4511 Views
*

Dinah-sore

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 789
BPDm says she is scared of me????
« on: August 09, 2017, 12:09:26 AM »
Today my BPDm stopped by on her way home from work (she called first this time). When she came in she noticed that I had rearranged a bunch of furniture. She liked my dining room, but she was making this face about the couches in my living room (squinty eyed, confused, upset), she had one hand up and was moving her fingers in the direction she wanted to move stuff. It made me feel icky. So I said, "No, don't figure out how you are going to rearrange it. It is my house and I like it."

She got a shocked and offended look on her face. Then she burst into tears. She said I am mean to her, she knows it is my house, she doesn't care if I throw my furniture on the lawn, I scare her, there is something wrong with me, she is afraid to say anything in front of me because I am so quick tempered.

She is sitting at my table crying, and telling me I don't love her.

I am sitting there with a frustrated face.

It looks like I am the aggressor. She is telling me I am the aggressor. I am trying to figure it all out.

I finally say, "Well, I guess I really need to think about what you are saying, because I don't see it how you see it." We went back and  forth a bit. And at one point I told her that maybe she should leave since we were fighting. Then she cried SUPER hard and said am I really kicking her out of my house????? I calmly said, if we are arguing, it is better to cool off and then talk later. That I didn't want her to come over, pick on my furniture, and then cry that I am mean.

She said that for the last few months (since I took my GPS off, basically) I have been so different, so angry. She said, "There is something seriously going on with you, under the surface, you are so angry. I am so afraid of you."

It is so confusing to me, so I said, "It is so weird to me that you are saying that, because I feel like you are the angry one and I am the one who is always waiting for you to be upset about something. So I will really have to consider what you are saying." She was confused about me saying I will need to think about this. I said, "Well, I get that you believe what you are saying, but I also believe what I am saying and I am not going to just replace my point of view with yours."

She got upset with me last night too, she had called and I mentioned the girls were a little under the weather. She overreacted and said, "Oh no! you need to take them to the doctors." I said firmly, not warm but not rude (she said rude), "No... I don't need to take them to the doctors..." She said, "Well (sighed forcefully). Fine bye." She brought it up in the fight today, saying I was mean, how I said no. I said, well maybe I just feel you are being bossy and I don't like how it feels. And she said she has a right to offer suggestions, I said, "Yeah, but I have a right to say that they are not good options for me."

Then she said, it is not my words but my tone. My tone is so angry.

It is so hard for me. I sit here physically affected by our fighting, and she wants to cry at my table after insulting my home, and act like she is afraid of me????

I can feel that I am getting more assertive, but I don't want to give her "supply" either.

She told me that this weekend at the family reunion that she was terrified to say a word, out of fear that I would jump down her throat and be mean to her "in front of everyone" ---Just as a reference---I am conflict avoidant because of her, I am sooooooo passive it is a flaw that I am trying to work on. And AT this party--where she was "scared of me"-- she told me in front of everyone (out of random nowhere) that she was going to give all the inheritance to my oldest child. I was fine at first, then I thought it wouldn't be fair to my other kids so I protested a bit, then I realized it wouldn't be fair to me!!! LOL. Not like I want anything from her, but she wanted to cut me out of her will IN FRONT of the whole family. I was observing her face--she literally got INTENSE PLEASURE out of telling me that she would rather give everything she owned to the church than give it to me. How can she be afraid of me biting her head off while she is baiting me for supply???? It is SO WEIRD.....

I think she is manipulating me. She enjoys tormenting me, but if I stand up for myself or tell her no (for the first time in my life these last few months, with the support of a T), she cries and says she is scared of me????

Any thoughts???
« Last Edit: August 09, 2017, 12:14:46 AM by Dinah-sore »
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

*

Is This Normal

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 539
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2017, 12:52:37 AM »
Hi Dinah-Sore!

Love your Lauryn Hill quote.

My thoughts: 1-She's attempting to play you like a violin. 2-You are doing a great job of being assertive and not falling for it. Keep up the good work.

If you had snarled your words to her (rather than using the firm but neutral tone) and/or threw something at her and/or made actual threats against her well-being (as opposed to just disagreeing with her), THEN she might have a case for being afraid of you. As it stands, not so much. At all, really. She's just not accustomed to you speaking up for yourself, and it's throwing her off. Too bad.

Her choice of words is fascinating. Our PD people's language really demonstrates their immaturity. Who, over the age of 15, uses words like "mean," and "don't you love me anymore?" Also, the exaggerated crying.

That's what I see, for what it's worth. Again, you're doing a great job. As someone who needs to work on assertiveness skills, it's inspiring.

-ITN-

*

Shockwave

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 490
  • Begins, Falls, Rises: The Origins of a Hero
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2017, 01:27:35 AM »
I have a new invention. It's called the uBPD language translator! It slices (your self-esteem). It dices (your self-confidence) into pieces. It juliennes (any self-worth you have so that you become their ever-loving slave). It minces (any self-love you'll ever try to develop for yourself and make it dependent on their ever-shifting whims and fancy).

Here, let's use the uBPD language translator and see what's going on (really).

uBPD mom: You're so mean to me!
Translation: You're so mean to me because you're not doing my bidding like I want you to, slave! What is wrong with you!?! Know your place, and your world is MINE!

*adjusts the uBPD translator* Sorry, sprinkled a little too much mean electronics in the wiring. :)

uBPD mom: You don't love me! *sobs*
Translation: You don't love me! *crocodile tears* because you're standing up to me instead of running around like a headless chicken doing my bidding and I don't like it! *huffs*

I almost feel like a mad scientist with this thing (probably because I *am* a mad scientist!) *cue diabolical laughter*.

uBPD mom: I'm so afraid of you!
Translation: I'm so afraid of you since I can no longer track you like a wild animal with a microchip implanted because you took your GPS locator off and I can't maintain control of your very existence since you are not an individual, but an extension of *muah!*.

This machine has an aversion to GPS locators being used by uPDs. Please back that GPS location unit AWAY from the device (turn it back on and tie it to something else moving, like an airplane's landing gear flying to Antarctica. ;))

This demonstration of this fine machine and public service announcement has been brought to you by Shockwave Enterprises, Inc. (c) All rights reserves. :)

OK, tongue in cheek over, is she serious with the manipulation attempts and control seizing? I swear, I can see my own uBPD mother trying that stuff on me a long time ago. Silence is golden. ;) Never give them ammo to shoot you with!
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight

*

WomanInterrupted

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 3919
  • "They can't eat you" - Greg Proops
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2017, 02:37:42 AM »
Any time you say something that stands up to her opinions and isn't you immediately asking, "Yes, mommy!  How high should I jump!?", she goes right for "mean" and she's "scared" because you're so "angry."

That's GOLD!   :yahoo:

If you're so mean and you scare her so much, because you're so angry, she shouldn't be coming over to your house and you shouldn't be having ANY contact with her!


In all seriousness, if you're feeling ready to  drop the rope and walk away, the next time she trots that one out, I'd nod contemplatively and say, "Well, if that's the way you feel - scared of my anger and that I'm mean to you - I think this relationship has come to a natural conclusion, and I'll be blocking your phone number and not having any contact with you in the future, so you feel SAFE."

I'd then hang up the phone and do just that - or hustle her out of your house, even if she's "crying" hysterically, with the words, "I'm sorry - you have to leave.  Obviously, you don't feel safe in my presence, so if you don't leave in the next 30 seconds, I'm calling the police to escort you out of my house."

You don't have to - but it's at least something to consider.   :)

She's upping the game by painting you as the aggressor and her as the poor, put-upon, persecuted victim - and I wouldn't put up with that for ONE second.   :no_shake:

Take her at face value.  Don't try to read into the FOG and manipulation, and definitely don't use Shockwave's awesome and tragically hilarious Translator - take her at her WORD.

Not what she means, but what she actually *says.*

You've heard the old saying, "Give 'em enough rope and they hang themselves."

That's essentially true - and your mom is doing it right now.   :yes:

UnBPD Didi did the same thing.  She'd snot that I shouldn't BOTHER as a means to "motivate" me - so I wouldn't bother, and when she'd call me on it, I'd remind her of her words.  Sometimes she'd say I knew what she meant, and I'd reply, "No, I only know what you SAY, you said not to, case closed."

They *know* we know what they mean when they say certain things - there's an unwritten subtext in these relationships.

Once you become as dumb as a box of rocks, forget the unspoken meanings and rely on words alone - things become MUCH more clear.

If she's afraid of your anger, tone and meanness, you should *definitely* consider putting a period to this relationship - so she can be free of all that negativity she thinks is pointed at her, and go figure out her life on her own.  Fly, little bird!  BE FREE of Dinah's "negativity."   :bigwink:

 :hug:

*

practical

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 7041
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2017, 08:31:52 AM »
Sure she is scared, because her toy is broken, is malfunctioning. You are individuating, becoming your own person, and that is what she has suppressed for years. She has kept you tightly locked in a box and now you found the key and are getting out and she doesn't like it. She is scared of what to do when she doesn't have her toy slave anymore, whom she can do with and to whatever she likes.

You are not mean, you are behaving like a normal adult person, and that isn't what she wants, so she labels you as mean and angry, because she hopes it will scare you back into your box and she can lock you up again GPS included.

She is manipulating you any way she can think of: with tears, unfounded accusations, attacking you in a deniable way in front of others at the family meeting (that was meant to make you feel like a horrible daughter).

I think you are doing extremely well with the way you are setting boundaries, telling her to leave when she disintegrates into tears. Not taking her bait, not going back to your old role but insisting you have a right to your own opinion.

I agree with WI, take her words at face value. She is scared "Mom, I think it might be better if we less of each other, talk less as clearly this isn't good for you."

You aren't doing anything wrong, she is simply trying to force you back into the FOG.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

*

practical

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 7041
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2017, 08:58:29 AM »
She is gas lighting you, she is trying to tell you up is down and down is up.

Her behavior towards you is mean and angry (I'm using her words on purpose). Making a face about how you arranged your furniture that is mean and passive aggressive. Breaking down in to sobs to manipulate you that is mean and passive aggressive. Saying the thing about the inheritance is mean and just plain aggressive, and doing so in front of others takes it to a whole new level, but even saying it to you in private would have been mean and aggressive. She is deflecting her behavior onto you.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

*

illogical

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 766
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2017, 09:27:48 AM »
Your mother is still angry that you turned off your GPS.  She's angry that she is losing control over you. 

She wants you to quit standing up for yourself and having an opinion of your own.  She was testing the water, so to speak, with her making motions to rearrange your furniture.  Sure, that's a little thing (in the scheme of things), but your mother wanted to see if you would be compliant and allow her to take charge.  When you didn't pass the test, she became furious.

She is now trying to get you to doubt your character by sowing a seed of doubt in your mind.  She's painting you as "mean" and so "mean" that you "scare" her.  She is playing Persecutor on the Karpman Drama Triangle.  Persecutors are controlling, blaming, critical and superior.  They want someone to bend to their will.  In this case, she wants you to accept her version of reality and begin to doubt yourself.  So you will say things like "Maybe I am mean.  Maybe I should be nicer to Mother.  Maybe I should do everything Mother wants me to do, including rearranging my furniture to suit her and turning my GPS back on so she can track me."

When playing Persecutor didn't seem to phase you, she jumped to Victim and started in with the hysterical crying.  Victims are pitiful, helpless, powerless.  They want someone to Rescue them.  Your mother wanted you to step in and say "It will be alright, Mother.  I'll help you.  I'll do everything you say, including rearranging my furniture to suit you and turning my GPS back on so you can track me."

Although the fake persona is different, the aim for playing Persecutor and Victim is the same:  to get you back in line.  Your mother is a master manipulator and drama queen.  My humble advice to you is to keep on resisting her bullsh*t.

As you continue to resist, expect more and more "tests" and tactics to get you back in line-- e.g., gaslighting, projecting, smear campaign and ST, among others.  You are doing great with your boundaries!
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

*

all4peace

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 8111
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2017, 10:32:39 AM »
Please find the threads on manipulation in "common behaviors" and "working on us". Or look up George Simon's postings about manipulation tactics. Your mother is going through every single tactic possible to try to get you back to where you used to be, which worked really well for her but not at all for you.
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=67263.0
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=67273.0

I was also told by SIL that uNBPDmil was "intimidated by me." I was also passive to a fault, passive to the point of nearly having a nervous breakdown before I could work up the courage to ask ILs to stop walking into my home unannounced.

Yeah, it's a manipulation tactic. And, in a way, it's working a little bit since you are very much questioning yourself. I don't say this to make you feel bad, but to point out how well these tactics work if we don't know what the PD is trying to do. Feeling confused a lot after interacting with someone is probably a good sign that we are being manipulated.

Ugh, the money thing. It's so classic. Even my uNM is starting to bring money into the conversation rather regularly these days. I think it's a last-ditch effort by a lot of PDs. If nothing else, there's the inheritance.  :barfy:
« Last Edit: August 09, 2017, 10:38:51 AM by all4peace »

*

Inurdreams

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1505
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2017, 10:34:19 AM »
Some people bully with tears.  It's just one of many forms of manipulation and control.

Telling you that you are mean is a way to make you prove to her that you are not mean by submitting to her demands.

She'snot afraid of you, she's afraid of losing control over you.

Dinah-Shore, you are doing very well under this pressure. 

I think once we get far enough OOTF we can bug-watch these antics in a detached manner.  Sometimes the shows some of them put on can become so predictable it makes you wonder how we never saw it before.

Peek not through the keyhole lest ye be vexed. - Stephen King


Response to a Flying Monkey:  Apparently you are suffering under the delusion that I give a damn.

*

all4peace

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 8111
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #9 on: August 09, 2017, 10:45:53 AM »
I think once we get far enough OOTF we can bug-watch these antics in a detached manner.  Sometimes the shows some of them put on can become so predictable it makes you wonder how we never saw it before.
So true. We never saw it before because we didn't challenge them before. I so often wonder how it got so bad with our families so quickly, but then I remember that we started setting boundaries and expressing expectations, and it all went rapidly downhill from there. They were "fine" before because it was all going their way, which eventually became so destructive for us that something had to change.

*

daughterofnarcs

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 76
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2017, 11:44:55 AM »
I do believe your mother believes she is scared and afraid of you. She had her own little world rearranged to her advantage: you doing her bidding, providing her as much supply as she needed.
Now, her world is falling down as you changed your role. Well done!
I am sure she is telling people that you are rude to her, abusing her verbally, maybe even physically. PDs have to win no matter what: you give them lemons, they make lemonade.

*

daughter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 4568
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #11 on: August 09, 2017, 12:34:26 PM »
Just because what you are saying and doing is 100% appropriate adult-child boundaries and expectations, doesn't mean she's in agreement.  She's upset.  Frankly, she's probably "mad as hell".  You're no longer her BFF minion, at her beck and call, and she's putting-on a strong effort to shame-blame-manipulate-gaslight you back into compliance.  So you're on receiving-end of lots of ramped-up weirdness:  1) tears about furniture placement; 2) odd pronouncements of disinheritance; 3) implied accusations of child-neglect; 4) gas-lighting accusations of "being mean" when you're perfectly reasonable; 5) unfounded concerns of "being fearful" when you're being a normal adult; etc.  She's undermining, disrespectful, manipulative, "not nice" herself.  And rather than a loving and empathetic mother to you, she's a significant threat to your emotional well-being.

I dealt with same issues with my malevolent NBM, after we moved 20 minutes from her neighborhood, when 24/7 access to my house and own family was no longer convenient.  NBM was livid at our move decision.  She began my "secret disinheritance", though I was otherwise still NBM's perfectly-executed "good girl/dutiful daughter".  She badgered me about "being mean", her "being fearful" of me, unfounded charges, in response to my minimal boundaries.  Her contrived accusations, projections, and manipulation were meant to shame me into abject submission.  NBM's antics left me frankly exhausted.  I realized radical change, a NC decision, was inevitable, given situation. I think you're reaching same stage.   

« Last Edit: August 09, 2017, 12:52:35 PM by daughter »

*

AdultChildinthefog

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 81
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #12 on: August 09, 2017, 01:37:51 PM »
Wow, coming in your house and trying to rearranging furniture, telling you when to take your kids to the doctor.  Could we possibly have the same BPDm?? 

I've been Out of the FOG for just under a year and really working on this.  My biggest suggestion to you to limit her little two-year old crying tantrums when she can no longer control you is to let every little suggestion, criticism, demand, roll right off your back with no response or reply defending yourself whatsoever and then just completely keep doing whatever you want and/or planned to do.  It has worked so wonderfully for me.  I can now stop myself in my tracks when a criticism/demand get lobbed my way and almost smile and say to myself, "Here we going again, this is BPD at it's finest" 

We are so trained to respond and comply and that's what's so hard to overcome, but I promise you doing this will create so much more peace for everyone.

After almost a year, a strange thing has happened, since I no longer engage in any of her drama, it's almost like I've become invisible, she only called me 3 times in 6 months because she needed help on her computer.  (I am LC and call when I feel like it, once a week, using medium chill and never giving any details about me)  She still does send crazy emails from time to time and lobs criticisms at me, but I just don't engage and it ends right there.  You've got to get to a point where her opinion of you means nothing and your wise self knows that nothing she says about you is true.  Good luck.
« Last Edit: August 09, 2017, 01:44:32 PM by AdultChildinthefog »

*

daughterofbpd

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1219
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #13 on: August 09, 2017, 03:01:57 PM »
Take her at face value.  Don't try to read into the FOG and manipulation, and definitely don't use Shockwave's awesome and tragically hilarious Translator - take her at her WORD.

Not what she means, but what she actually *says.*

You've heard the old saying, "Give 'em enough rope and they hang themselves."

That's essentially true - and your mom is doing it right now.   :yes:

UnBPD Didi did the same thing.  She'd snot that I shouldn't BOTHER as a means to "motivate" me - so I wouldn't bother, and when she'd call me on it, I'd remind her of her words.  Sometimes she'd say I knew what she meant, and I'd reply, "No, I only know what you SAY, you said not to, case closed."

They *know* we know what they mean when they say certain things - there's an unwritten subtext in these relationships.

Once you become as dumb as a box of rocks, forget the unspoken meanings and rely on words alone - things become MUCH more clear.
This has been my tactic lately. As difficult as it is for me to forget the hidden meanings and expectations, this has been helping me tremendously. Thanks, WI for putting that into words.

My sister got married about 5 years ago. My parents (BPDM) made comments about not going to the wedding. I confronted them in an email because my sister hadn't done anything wrong. I was respectful and polite but I told them how it was. They were acting as if they were disowning my sister and I didn't feel that she had done anything to deserve that so I wanted them to see how hurtful and harmful their actions were for our family. That was the first time I really stood up to my BPDm. She still brings that up, telling me she's been scared of me for the last 5-6 years (because I spoke my mind for once? Pfffft).

BPDm still uses that too. She is scared of me, scared to say anything to me - simply because I politely decline her criticism (example: "That wasn't very nice" in a neutral tone).

A couple years ago, I went to my parents' house for a visit. BPDm was crying and apologizing for how she takes things too personal sometimes and is hurt by things that shouldn't hurt her. She was blaming it on her job, saying that her job gives her low self-esteem. At least it was an apology...Except, then she kept going on and on listing all of the times that she felt hurt. She listed off "your sister's wedding" and that time I asked her to be a little nicer and more inclusive to my husband, etc. etc. She was sitting there bawling and I was fuming because she was basically telling me that I shouldn't stand up to her or ask her to change her behavior EVER. She was manipulating me to believe that I should just let her say and act however she pleases because she is too sensitive to handle the criticism. I felt SO manipulated. And at the same time, society dictates that you are supposed to comfort someone who is upset so I just sat there and listened. She didn't exactly know she was being manipulative, she was genuinely feeling hurt and upset. It is a really difficult situation to handle. Now I know that it is okay to tell her that it seems that she isn't up to company and leave. I just hope I have the stregth to do that next time.

I think you handled the situation really well, except it sounds like you went round a little bit longer than needed, trying to reason with her. If she was sitting at my dining table, I probably would have done the same thing, honestly. For me, the next step has been realizing that she is always going to have a negative perception of me (no matter what) and working at being okay with her thinking I am a mean bully. If she can't treat me with common decency because I am a human that deserves it then at least her being "scared of me" makes her think twice before opening her mouth.

P.S.) I am also overly quiet and passive, the least scary person there is  ;)
Also, something you might expect - BPDm doesn't have much interest in my life anymore, much the same as AdultChildinthefog experienced. She doesn't ask or comment much on my life at all anymore. It can be hurtful but I think it is for the best.
How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego
~ Amanda Torroni

*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 17177
  • You can be free and heal ❤️‍🩹
    • One Key to Better Boundaries
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #14 on: August 09, 2017, 03:36:47 PM »
Hoover, big fat giant Hoover. Look up Karpman Drama Triangle. She's attempting to move you into roll of persecutor. Don't fall for it.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog

*

bohemian butterfly

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 684
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #15 on: August 09, 2017, 04:01:34 PM »
I have a new invention. It's called the uBPD language translator! It slices (your self-esteem). It dices (your self-confidence) into pieces. It juliennes (any self-worth you have so that you become their ever-loving slave). It minces (any self-love you'll ever try to develop for yourself and make it dependent on their ever-shifting whims and fancy).

Here, let's use the uBPD language translator and see what's going on (really).

uBPD mom: You're so mean to me!
Translation: You're so mean to me because you're not doing my bidding like I want you to, slave! What is wrong with you!?! Know your place, and your world is MINE!

*adjusts the uBPD translator* Sorry, sprinkled a little too much mean electronics in the wiring. :)

uBPD mom: You don't love me! *sobs*
Translation: You don't love me! *crocodile tears* because you're standing up to me instead of running around like a headless chicken doing my bidding and I don't like it! *huffs*

I almost feel like a mad scientist with this thing (probably because I *am* a mad scientist!) *cue diabolical laughter*.

uBPD mom: I'm so afraid of you!
Translation: I'm so afraid of you since I can no longer track you like a wild animal with a microchip implanted because you took your GPS locator off and I can't maintain control of your very existence since you are not an individual, but an extension of *muah!*.

This machine has an aversion to GPS locators being used by uPDs. Please back that GPS location unit AWAY from the device (turn it back on and tie it to something else moving, like an airplane's landing gear flying to Antarctica. ;))

This demonstration of this fine machine and public service announcement has been brought to you by Shockwave Enterprises, Inc. (c) All rights reserves. :)

OK, tongue in cheek over, is she serious with the manipulation attempts and control seizing? I swear, I can see my own uBPD mother trying that stuff on me a long time ago. Silence is golden. ;) Never give them ammo to shoot you with!

I'm totally contacting you in the future when I need a translation!!!    :applause:

*

bohemian butterfly

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 684
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #16 on: August 09, 2017, 04:33:05 PM »
Dinah-sore,

I have followed your posts and I have to say that I am impressed with you and everything you have done.   

Her being afraid of you = she is afraid of losing control.

You are not being mean, you are erecting healthy boundaries and I am so, so VERY proud!


*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 17177
  • You can be free and heal ❤️‍🩹
    • One Key to Better Boundaries
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #17 on: August 09, 2017, 05:33:52 PM »
Hoover, big fat giant Hoover. Look up Karpman Drama Triangle. She's attempting to move you into roll of persecutor. Don't fall for it.
adding - with a huge portion of DARVO on the side. ::)
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog

*

DM178

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 80
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #18 on: August 09, 2017, 10:05:42 PM »
First, Shockwave's "translator" had me rollling over so hard laughing...thank you so much, and that is one of the many things I love about this site and all of you! We cry and laugh together! :applause:

2nd, Dinah-Sore....you literally could have been writing the script that has "played out" several times between my UBPDM and myself...I was in SHOCK as I read your initial post, as I thought how eerily similar it is to the interactions I have with my Mom, When I Stand Up to Her, Have Boundaries, and Not Let Her get away with anything!.....

Great job Dinah-Sore! :bigwink: I hope you take some comfort that what you have experienced is not far from the "norm" when interacting with a BPD parent....
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. Viktor Frankl

*

VividImagination

  • Fear is not real; it is a product of the thoughts you create. Danger is very real, but fear is a choice. - After Earth
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 7491
  • Vivid the Blunt
Re: BPDm says she is scared of me????
« Reply #19 on: August 10, 2017, 12:19:04 AM »
So she moved through the D and A portions of DARVO and now she's moved on to RVO.

For anyone out there who isn't familiar with the term, DARVO = Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's a very common PD move.

Yes, she's scared because the robot she programmed for so long is no longer functioning properly. Yes, you're mean because you will no longer jump to execute her every whim. She has never heard you stand up for yourself or tell her no, she is misreading confidence and assertiveness as anger. I think there's a good bit of projection going on here as well.

The next time she wants to come over, meet up or chat, I'd counter with, "Probably not a good idea...I don't want you to be scared or uncomfortable. Once you get this issue handled let me know." If she's "afraid" of you, SHE'S the one with the problem, not you...therefore she must be the one to take action. I'm terrified of lizards, but not one lizard has ever gone out of their way to accommodate my issue, because it's MY issue.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.