Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants

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jennsc85

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Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« on: August 19, 2017, 06:01:16 PM »
I know that is an extremely obvious statement about nearly all PD parents, but bear with me. I need to let this out and get input on it.

So, I think I've gotten a small taste of what my mother will be like as an actual "elder." She claims she is now, in her mid 60s  :wacko:

She's had ongoing surgeries relating to the same issue for about a year now. They're inpatient surgeries but she's anesthetized and is required to have someone there to drive her home. I'm that someone. The one this week was her last one (for now anyways).

The nurse asked her about a medication that was on her file and she flipped out, insisting that she's never taken it, asking to nurse to type the name of the medicine into her phone's medication app, telling me to stand up for her, demanding that the nurse take that medicine out of her file. This was at least a 10 minute ordeal.

The doctor was different than her previous visits. She decided that she did not like the doctor and made that VERY clear. I actually asked the nurses and surgeon to talk to me in private so that i could apologize to them! My mother thought I was "setting them straight" for her. :roll:

Anyways, the doctor seemed to think that I was her caregiver. She was giving me all these instructions for aftercare and asking me to sign paperwork (Um..NO!!! :no:) The weirdest part, though, was that my mother was actually offended that the doctor was talking to me and not her. She loudly said that she was "NOT an old decrepit invalid" and asked the doctor to talk to her. What?! To ME she tells me how frail and fragile she is, but to the doctor she's fully capable of things?

After the surgery my mother wanted me to run approximately 200,000 errands for her (I may be exaggerating just a little ;) ) I did. I didn't mind that. But then...when I was at her house she wanted me to sit there and care for her dog and cat for several hours so she could sleep. But she wouldn't sleep. She kept calling my name over and over and over and asking me to come into her room for this and that "Jenn, move the lamp to the left just a little bit", "Jenn, what is the dog doing? Did you take him out? Write in his chart exactly what he's doing." "Jenn where is my aftercare paperwork? Read it to me!"

She did the same thing 20 years ago when I was younger and lived with her! I guess it brought up bad memories because as soon as she started doing that I felt like I needed to get out right away. I did, and she got very upset at me for leaving her in pain to care for her animals all alone.

Yesterday she blew up on me via text for not checking in on her first thing in the morning. She questioned what would happen if she died. She said that her animals would die and possibly eat something that would kill them...  :stars: I don't even know. She said for this reason I need to check on her every single day. That kind of panicked me because, I mean, I don't want her dying and her animals being trapped with her or anything... but I would think under normal circumstances her work would call and check on her. Maybe? I don't know. I don't like feeling like "checking on her" is my duty.

Then today she wanted me to pick up her medication. I told her I had plans tonight and tomorrow (which is true). Everything was officially NOT FINE anymore. I get a barrage of texts about how she's old and alone and dizzy and can't go to the store and WHAT COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR SICK ELDERLY MOTHER WHO JUST HAD SURGERY?! ANSWER ME JENN, ANSWER ME!!!!! She said that she thought the police would be interested to hear that I'm not willing to pick up her medicine and leaving her alone to rot.

I'm feeling okay about telling her no about that particular request and I'm trying to take things one day at a time. But...when I think of the future, boy, it's a scary thought. It's taken me this long in my life to tell her no to things when I'm actually busy. I used to change plans to accommodate her. If it's taken me that long to take that little tiny step... will I be able to navigate her as an actual elder when she has countless MORE appointments than she does already? I don't know how I'm going to handle that because I feel like this has given me a small taste of how it will be and I can't take things like this on a regular basis.

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Frankie14

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2017, 07:04:06 PM »
Block her number, don't answer her calls. Let her figure it out. I have FOO that lives near me and not once have they ever helped me in a crisis or if I really needed it. I figured it out. After doing for FOO as you are, driving to doctors picking up medications, dog walking, babysitting Nsis kids, picking up ginger ale and crackers if my en-mother was sick; the last straw for me was asking my en-mother to watch my then 2 year old because I needed a root canal, she said "no, it's your own fault for eating so much candy as a child, hold him in your lap." I did not receive any babysitting for my 3 children from en-mother, it would anger N-sis if  my en-mother did anything for me, with me or with my kids. 

I was not helped if I needed a dog walker or sitter if I got caught up away from my dog, but was expected to walk my en-mother's dogs regularly, and perpetually DO for FOO at any and all times with no notice.  After the root canal 'No' ... a few days later en-Mother drove to my Nsis son's college over an hour away to bring him a package of snacks my lazy Nsis didn't feel like dropping off.

I have never ever done another thing for any member of my FOO since and that dental emergency was 4 years ago.  N-mother still asks and I always say, NO.

Remove yourself, only child or not. Remove yourself.  When my en-mother asks for anything my answer is NO. She is also mid 60's she can call the cops and be placed in a home her savings can provide but I'm OUT.
« Last Edit: August 19, 2017, 07:28:30 PM by Frank.05 »

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Shockwave

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2017, 07:16:16 PM »
*deep breath* be calm dear.  I actually absolutely know what you went through,  both in mind and in body. Stop me if I'm wrong: you were voluntarily putting yourself through the same experience to see if it was as horrible as you remember.  Make no mistake.  It was. 
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight

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FromTheSwamp

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2017, 08:06:57 PM »
My mom's done the same "You have to call regularly and check on me in case I die" thing.  It took me years to realize how silly that was.  My dad is still alive, he'd probably notice eventually. 

I live alone.  If I died, my cats might get hungry before someone realized it had been a while since they'd heard from me.  But they'd have water and they'd be okay, even if they didn't eat me.  I don't think it's anyone's job to call me every day to check on me.  If I was THAT worried, I'd have a bigger bowl of food for the cats.  And there's no point in worrying about me at that point - in this imaginary scenario, I'm DEAD. 

Anything short of dead, I have my phone in my pocket. My guess is, your mom does too.  If she doesn't, not your problem. 

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Hazy111

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2017, 09:32:27 PM »
My dad is still alive, he'd probably notice eventually. 

I live alone.  If I died, my cats might get hungry before someone realized it had been a while since they'd heard from me.  But they'd have water and they'd be okay, even if they didn't eat me.  I don't think it's anyone's job to call me every day to check on me.  If I was THAT worried, I'd have a bigger bowl of food for the cats.  And there's no point in worrying about me at that point - in this imaginary scenario, I'm DEAD. 

Anything short of dead, I have my phone in my pocket. My guess is, your mom does too.  If she doesn't, not your problem.

That made me laugh.  :applause:

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mouse672

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2017, 12:58:31 AM »
All I can really say is know you are not alone. I could have written this. It is literally my mother right down to embarrassing me in public and me having to apologize for her behavior. And on top of the demands, she adds a dose of "never mind...you're too busy...don't bother...I don't want to inconvenience you" which translates to "I'm absolving MYSELF of the guilt of asking but I FULLY EXPECT you to do every single thing I've asked exactly as I imagine it or there will be hell to pay." My mother also waivers between self-sufficient "no one can believe how young I am" and "I'm 70 years old! I'm an old lady and I can't do everything by myself" which disgusts me...pick one because you can't be both decrepit and in danger of keeling over any minute and also stay out at bars after midnight and pride yourself on getting hit on by people who could be your children.

For a long time, I bought into the "I could be dead" fear. But now I recognize it for how absurd it is. It is nothing more than her neuroticism and a manipulation tactic. The statistical likelihood that on the day I don't speak with you you just happen to be dead is pretty slim. And if you are...well, I'm not going to freak out the first time you don't answer your phone so it's not really going to matter anyway because it will still be days before someone finds you! I grew up with this fear of "anyone could die at any moment" hanging over my head...it wasn't until adulthood that I realized normal families don't operate like this. They LIVE their LIVES. They don't dwell on their inevitable deaths and they don't use them as methods of getting their kids to comply with their demands. So don't let this get to you - it's unreasonable, manipulative, and downright silly.

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VividImagination

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2017, 01:11:40 AM »
Anyone could die alone in their house of anything.

If she is unable to care for her pets, she needs to board them it's not your fault she didn't prepare financially for her senior years.

This is just a ploy to drag you in, as you well know. Just decide how much you want to play.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2017, 02:35:27 AM »
Jenn, I'm so sorry you got dragged into this!

She's back to threatening to call the cops on you?  Ugh...   :roll:

You realize that's an empty threat, right?  First, they won't DO anything and second, if they did, you wouldn't be able to care for her in the future!

I'd seriously consider Frank's idea and block her number.  If you have Spectrum as a phone provider, they've just made it *really* easy to do.   :yes:

You know how I'd respond to that, "Answer me right now!" stuff?

I'd calmly tell her, "You do not get to talk to me like that now or ever" - and either hang up or leave, and put her in at least a one-week Time Out, where you have no contact with her.

Is this the surgery you told her you weren't going to help her with, but you're doing it anyway?

I don't know how you got roped into it, but from now on, when she announces she needs surgery, tell her to figure it out without you,  keep telling her, "I said NO" - and as the day of the surgery grows closer, block her number for the next several weeks, until you're pretty sure she's mended.

Believe me, her doctor and the hospital *will* figure it out - she wouldn't be the first person who has nobody to care for them, or anybody who is remotely close by.

This is only a tiny glimpse into your future - keep in mind, they get WORSE as they age, so this is just the tip of the iceberg unless you really start cracking down on the titanium boundaries.

This woman has NO power over you.  She needs you more than you need her, and you'd *think* she'd treat you better, but no, BPD Waifs are *brutal* to the "help" (meaning us).

By the time she's actually a senior citizen, she's going to be a flaming nightmare unless you really start pushing back - or go VLC or NC.

Please look into getting that leased car back - if it leaves her with an old clunker, TOO BAD - and please *do not cosign her new lease when it comes up.*

Let her figure out her own messes while you disentangle yourself from her life - and do *not* let her bully you with empty, meaningless, idle threats she actually won't follow through on.

You CAN do this, Jenn!  You really can!   :cheer: :cheer:

Her words and threats are absolutely meaningless and she *gets off on torturing you.*   >:(

Somebody who loves you doesn't do those things.  A *mother* who loves you doesn't do those things!

She sees you as a TOOL or a THING - and when you put up boundaries, she keeps kicking you like a defective washing machine, trying to get you to work properly again.

And even when you do work properly, it's *still not good enough.* 

It will NEVER be good enough - ever.  No matter what you do or how hard you try, or how high you jump in response to her demand, it will never be enough.

You're better off without her in your life - you know it.  You've said as much.

And now, just in case you really needed it, you have definitive proof of just how awful she really is.

Take that knowledge and use it to change YOURSELF for the better.   :)

Your FOC will thank you for it - and your mom will just have to figure out things on her own.

Waifs always do.  They're surprisingly resilient and resourceful.

And yes - Vivid is right.  Anybody can die in their house at any time, for any of a number of reasons.  Hell, you can walk out the door and have the same thing happen - I just don't live my life thinking something bad could happen at any moment.

And yes - she could have boarded her pets or hired a pet sitter to come in and look after them.  They're not terribly expensive or hard to find - and a good one is worth his or her weight in gold.

 :hug:

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VividImagination

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2017, 10:50:34 AM »
"The police? Yes, do call...I'd be interested in their opinion on your problem."
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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practical

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2017, 11:24:11 AM »
As you have seen what it would be like, and yes, this was a taste of what she imagines, it is time to real nail down what you want. I don't remember, where you going to talk to an Elder Care Manager or Lawyer about how to deal with her? If not, this might be a good idea.

Just as a reality check, I have had a couple of surgeries and whenever I did, I made sure to stock up on daily necessities, have frozen meals, get all medical supplies beforehand as much as I could, in short I prepared for what I knew was coming. Your M instead didn't bother, because she was going to have Jenn, her indentured daughter. By the way, on the one hand she makes a scene when you leave and are unavailable on the other she sends you on 200,000 errants after the surgery, the time when actually it might be important to be around. So, it is about her emotional needs and you having to fill them, not medical needs, and you'll never be able to do that, she'll always be the victim.

In case you never came across this, this is a really helpful post about Geriatric Care Managers:
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=58514.0
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Liketheducks

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2017, 01:23:17 PM »
Yep, everything is fine if I just get along too.   I'd block her.     For us, ANY boundary is "not getting along".   If I could just allow the abuse, my life would be so much better in her mind.   She claims I'm gripped with anger and resentment.    There is some truth to that.   I've long felt like a small child stomping my feet saying "this is not right".     If I could just accept things, I'd be happy.   The thing is, accepting things is really seeing them for what they are.  NOT allowing the abusive cycle to continue. 
I was SO much happier before having her live with us.  I just didn't see past what I thought was my obligation to her and family.   

PD Dad actually DID go to the local judge with a written tome detailing how I was allowing illegal activity in my home and that my mother dated people of color.  6 handwritten pages of this.     The judge called me and let me read the letter - we had a good laugh. 
Hang in there.   

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AmericanWoman

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #11 on: August 20, 2017, 02:37:46 PM »
 +10 on Franks post  :yeahthat:

Put me in for "Block" too, and don't forget email block.  She can call 911, that is what we pay taxes for.  If she is dying you can't stop it  :sadno:

BTDT got my T-shirt.  I think we are coming up on 4th or 5th surgery this year [half elective surgery].  We offered to help out with a home nurse and then next time we talking she will be vacuuming or washing her car.  Don't fall for it, and again...YOU can't stop her if she dies.  Not trying to be callous at all, it's hard though not to be after they pull stuff like that so many times.

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azurite

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #12 on: August 20, 2017, 07:24:21 PM »
You got a preview of coming attractions.  :aaauuugh:

Your job now is to decide whether you want season tickets, front and center.

It's a process, but you'll know what to do, when you  need to. You're not alone.

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wintersnighttraveler

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #13 on: August 21, 2017, 02:39:04 PM »
As others have pointed out, if she dies, then she'll be dead.  It won't particularly matter to her when you figure that out. On a serious note, a friend of mine died of a stomach ulcer that she delayed surgery for.  We spent about 5 days wondering where she was, and yes, we went to check on her and found her.  It was tragic and sad, and we mourned her and had a funeral, and honestly, it would have been the same if we found her one hour after her passing. When we found her really didn't matter. This "What if I die?" fear is irrational and meant to obligate you to care for her and feel guilty for considering leaving her to fend for herself (FOG again).

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #14 on: August 21, 2017, 04:16:17 PM »
Maybe you should get her one of those life alert necklaces for Christmas?
How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego
~ Amanda Torroni

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daughterofnarcs

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #15 on: August 21, 2017, 05:44:18 PM »
+10 on Frank too!
Isn't she capable of taking care of things, like she claimed at the doctors? Let her prove it!

BTW, she is not ok as long as you do what she wants you to do. She will want more and more and more and more. She will also have issues with the way you do things, as it is not the way she does things.
Your mother will only be happy when she makes you unhappy. The more unhappy you are, the more happy she is.
« Last Edit: August 21, 2017, 05:47:00 PM by daughterofnarcs »

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AmericanWoman

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Re: Everything is fine as long as I do whatever she wants
« Reply #16 on: August 22, 2017, 02:14:52 PM »
Maybe you should get her one of those life alert necklaces for Christmas?

Don't have to wait to Christmas, they have come way down in price.  You can get them waterproof and bracelets now.  She said it was too expensive at first (excuse for constant calls?) so within 30 min we found some by googling at a very affordable price.  We found one for her that runs around $20 a month.  She actually seems happy about it now, sometimes they can act rational and it's a good thing (I think) for older folks men and woman that live alone esp when they get on in years.  I'm middle age but I have fallen at home alone, you don't have to be old to fall.  My point is that if I were alone I'd pay that a month for the security.