Can I see you now? How bout now? And now??

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AlisonCan

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Can I see you now? How bout now? And now??
« on: August 12, 2017, 01:12:27 PM »
Tried LC, tried to manage and ask for understanding. NDad was appalled and insulted. I am putting them "through hell." "I will die soon, I will be 75 soon, etc"
Now he has written to my h parents...first two paragraphs detail how awful their son is...

My in-laws are wonderful kind people that understand my Dad, at least, if not both my parents are not healthy. They don't know how to respond and now they have been dragged into this!

And my mom just thinks -- no big deal...and asks to see me, go out to lunch. WHAT THE &%*! does she think I will do? She isn't going to address that? We will just ignore my father's terrible behavior?

I mean, that is what we have been doing all my life. Ignoring it, saying "he just.." this and "he was just upset" that.

I tried to come their way. It didn't work out.

My brother, who has been a victim of their BS much longer, reached out to me to see how I was. He said the whole situation sucks (I don't think he thinks I am making all the right moves and had some misgivings about my husband) but he said I will always be your brother and I will always love you.

But I feel very alone in all this as talking about them to my husband really upsets him, and we spend enough time battling about all the other stuff in front of us

Sigh.

I will continue to be me, to do me,  to not let any of these people or these circumstances insist I behave other than what is true to who I am.

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practical

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Re: Can I see you now? How bout now? And now??
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2017, 02:21:13 PM »
I'm sorry your F did this. The best thing your IL's can do most likely is to ignore the letter as their is no point in engaging with your F, or at most to write they ask not to be send any letters by your F again. He can only drag them in for real, if they take the bait, the provocation by your F.

As for your M, well, for her it is business as usual, F is abusive so what? So in her mind why wouldn't she want to go out for lunch with you? Nothing has changed in her perspective. She may even defend your F. You don't have to go though. She is your F's enabler and I doubt any discussion you would have with her would be fruitful. Your F and his abuse couldn't exist in this way if he wasn't part of a system, a dysfunctional family system. We are all part of it even if we are the scapegoat or the goldne child. We are till we decide to step away and refuse to play the role they assigned to us. The Toolbox has a lot of tips on how to get there and it is something you can work on on your own.

Another thing, boundaries are something we do, we don't necessarily communicate them. Asking your F, your abuser for understanding is a futile attempt to ask an irrational, feelings-driven person to act rationally. There is a great book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=27228.0
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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daughter

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Re: Can I see you now? How bout now? And now??
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2017, 10:10:43 PM »
In my opinion, it's highly improbable that one spouse can be obviously "pd-disordered/difficult" while other spouse is somehow "normal".  The other spouse may be high-functioning, may be a master in subterfuge, may be superb at ignoring obvious issues, may incessantly badger their adult-children because "you owe us", but that spouse nonetheless is enabler and enforcer, by mere presence and tenacity.

So yes your father can be terribly difficult, and your mother pretends everything is "just normal", and she wants your cooperation and attendance.  Yes, you need to be "true to yourself", and honest to yourself about these troubled relationships.  And as an adult, when a relationship is obviously troubled, when the other person, even if your parent, is badly behaved, overbearing, difficult, domineering, bullying, etc - then yes, it's time to reevaluate relationship, establish more boundaries, and lessen contact overall.  That includes your mother, who may portray herself as "victim of your father too" (like my "Mr Nice Guy" enabler-enforcer NF bamboozled me for years), but she's ultimately equally responsible for how your father behaves - because she's still there, still enabling that behavior to occur without acknowledgment of repercussions or subsequent consequences. 

You can monitor your parents' well-being from a distance, without being enmeshed in their day-to-day, week-to-week, activities and actions.  You can alter degree of contact you maintain with your father, and advise your mother this much-needed boundary is condition to your relationship with her.   

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AlisonCan

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Re: Can I see you now? How bout now? And now??
« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2017, 11:14:50 PM »
Thanks for this. I am sitting here waiting for my parents to drop off my teenage daughter. They asked if they could take her out to dinner for her bday and I said that it was up to her. SO they did and I don't want to see them but they will drop her off. And like a dog who did something wrong and is afraid of his owner I am hiding in the house. What if they come to the door and insist on seeing me. Blargh! Why do I let myself feel this way!!  I am 42! How dumb. Bite me scared little girl. Get behind me. You have done nothing wrong.

If I were my good friend I would say-- hey! snap out of it. You are an adult woman who has lived and learned and made choices to protect herself and her family. There is no "right" answer here. So what if they do insist on seeing you... you will simply react to the further extreme reaction and intrusion with the same attitude as anything. Hell to the NO. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You have nothing to be scared of. This is your family,m your life. LIVE IT.

I hate being scared.

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daughterofnarcs

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Re: Can I see you now? How bout now? And now??
« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2017, 02:32:17 PM »
Being scared is a natural reaction.

Does your daughter have a key? Why can't your parents just drop her off and leave?

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AmericanWoman

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Re: Can I see you now? How bout now? And now??
« Reply #5 on: August 22, 2017, 02:28:56 PM »

I don't have kids so my advice may be worthless - but if I did have kids and my father talked about their father like that AND told their other grandparents bad things about their son then I don't believe I would let them take my child anywhere because I'd be afraid (and rightfully so) that they would try to poison her against her own father.  If your mom does nothing about it and acts as if it's normal then their actions alone is a terrible example for young minds.

Really sorry your having to go through this.  Hope that maybe some of the folks involved will be able to put a block on your fathers phone number.  I remember the ppl that talked bad about my father and I can forgive but I will never forget.  Those memories last long and deep.

Bottom line (IMHO) the actions of both your parents are not acceptable under any circumstances.    Not picking on your parents, I believe anyone bad mouthing another is unacceptable behavior and your mother (or anyone) not speaking up is just as bad as saying it themselves.