How to deal with Cooled-Off PD partner who thinks that - Nothing went wrong

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aNon-PD

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My PD spouse was on roll of high drama, anger fits, emotional abuse, threats for a month and much more due to my family visit. I was managing the situation by giving her freedom to do whatever she wanted... it might look like enabling but i was really in no mood to pick fights and circular argument that impacts my sanity and spoils my day at work. I think i also did that as it was the Nth time and i realised that i am living in a fools paradise to believe that its ever going to different. So i decided to set boundaries this time... but i need time to think and make a plan ... meanwhile, the situation she felt troubled for is over and she is behaving in very normal way and thinks all she did was right and i should just let it go.... she has no idea how i get impacted by her acts and now she just want normal life back.. she is trying all the tricks.. being nice, crying and anger... i am trying to remain indifferent but that somehow is not working... any ideas?

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Findingmyvoice

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This is a difficult situation, sorry to hear you are going through this.
I have been through these cycles over and over, and yes you are right she will probably never change.
remember the three C s.  You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it.
She is always going to do what she wants, you can't stop her.
I think you are right, the circular arguments are not good for you or her.
If she is anything like my wife you won't get any resolution with her.  There were a few situations where I thought I made a breakthrough and my wife saw my point of view and understood my reasoning after hours of going round and round. However, it doesn't help anything.  The behavior doesn't change.
I have not seen my wife take accountability or repair the damage she has done. She always expects someone else to pick up the pieces or do the dirty work.  Her method of dealing with things is to exclude people then pretend she has done nothing wrong.
Blaming others, minimizing and denial are her favorite tools.

I think the best we can do is to let them bear the consequences of their actions.
Angry, abusive, manipulative people don't end up having too many friends or very long romantic relationships.

For your boundaries, write down your values, keep what is important for you.
I found that it helps to write out the pros and cons of a situation. 
Most times I find that "angry wife" is a result of either decision, so make the decision that works for you..

At some point people need to know who is causing the drama.
If her behavior caused you to lose a relationship you can choose to build that relationship back up.
It's hard to set boundaries for behavior that happened in the past, all you can do is make a plan for next time.
It might help to start small, because big changes are likely to set her off in a big way.

Remaining indifferent won't really help her IME.
It may keep things from escalating and it may help your stress levels but it isn't going to fix her PD.
Maybe eventually she will realize that her tactics aren't getting her the desired result but it won't change her way of thinking.

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Grahamcracker

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FMV,

For some reason -- maybe because it's so good and clear -- this post really resonated with me tonight.  As I posted elsewhere, I'm in the middle of a major hoover, or major calm, or however one could phrase it, and my gut is telling me that it's really not real. 

ANPd, I remember reading recently that if one is assertive and sets boundaries and sticks to them, the BPD will eventually recognize that as the new normal, and then try to gain control again while accepting some changes at least temporarily.  This author suggested keeping aware of what's going on, and not ceding power back. Trust me, it's a lot easier in theory.

But it does sound like you are learning important things, albeit the hard way.  Best wishes.  GC
"Wisdom's a gift, but you'd trade it for youth, Age is an honor but still not the truth"  Vampire Weekend.

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notrightinthehead

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aNPD the thing is that with every such performance your love, trust, intimacy dies a little. And you can't unlearn what you have learned.
Coyote on this forum seems to be very successful at setting boundaries and seems to have managed to change his relationship to a warm and supportive one. You seem to have managed the last difficult situation reasonably well. Maybe reading up on boundaries, medium chill and JADE could give you some more tools for the future.
Our march to freedom is irreversible. We must not allow fear to stand in our way.  Nelson Mandela

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aNon-PD

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aNPD the thing is that with every such performance your love, trust, intimacy dies a little.

That is what exactly happened to me... i did give my best, tried give love, understanding and support... but all she wants is - i should be on her side even if she is wrong... cant do that anymore.   

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aNon-PD

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There were a few situations where I thought I made a breakthrough and my wife saw my point of view and understood my reasoning after hours of going round and round. However, it doesn't help anything.  The behavior doesn't change.

So true, i have been there many times... where i felt she finally gets it... but when similar situation presents itself... she reacts the same way... and i go like... "WHAT??? :aaauuugh: i thought she understood the my POV, and will take care of her part reasonably"... however she seems to have tried.. but that attempt is so short lived and i think was that really a fair attempt to control her outbursts and biases or just a excuse to say later on -" didnt you see, I Tried"

My issue is that i have some 'care-taking' aspects to my personality and cant decide if this time is enough or should i give her another pass...and put strong boundaries and be more assertive... i think its one of such things which you cant really decide but one gets a sign or your gut tells you - now is the time...