My own life

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4mya

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My own life
« on: August 15, 2017, 12:08:57 PM »
I am starting to feel again...my own feelings...after going back into a enmeshed relationship with my mother. I had set vlc boundaries for a couple years before having my daughter and then after having her the emotions of "the fantasy family" in combination with not seeing T for a year I went back and contacted members of my FOO.

Now after I set a clear boundary to her "I will not be attending the family get together at the beach" two weeks ago she sent me another text inviting me again. I did not respond and have not heard from her since.

The pattern is the same, in fact everything is the same in the FOO system. I have had grief, nightmares, ect these last 2 weeks coping with the reality that my daughter is not going to really know my FOO and cutting these last strings of attachment and really knowing what I am dealing with after being on this forum. I did not know there were others out there doing this work before having D.

I have not set boundaries with M (reaffirmed my boundaries that were set before DD birth) again. I really still feel I need to clarify them again through a letter of sort solely for the purpose of knowing I have been clear as my behavior could lead to lots of confusion these last few months with the addition of my D. I am in the same town as M and uNPDB who controls and uses fear/sadist behaviors. I had been NC with him for 2 years prior to breaking it one time since my duaghters birth.
Both live on M property 2 miles from me. NPDB moved back to town few years ago. I also have a GC sister who lives close and is always at M's she is uBPD and very connected to B in family system. I guess I am wanting closure (for myself only) and a strong firm boundary with all AFTER my daughters birth.

Back to me- my life.

I am starting to enjoy my husband and my daughter for the first time since she was born (although it feels like betrayal to enjoy my life because I was programmed to never have a life outside foo and NEVER enjoy it for sure) I am making head way in learning to trust again first and foremost myself and my own boundaries. 

I also wanted to be a family therapist for a long time. It was my dream since I was a teen and saw my first therapist (because I was "too much" too emotional" for M) . It was the first time I felt a safety. I have yet to commit to it as this would go against my mothers "intended life for me to live" (all three of her daughters are nurses and she said "this is the practical path for you" ....me still enmeshed in early 20s did just what she wanted). I remember mentioning becoming a family therapist and she laughed at me. I am very fearful of failure or starting and feeling like it is the wrong path. But I also feel like I am waiting...waiting to live my life.



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practical

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Re: My own life
« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2017, 08:58:24 AM »
You are seeing very clearly what you need to do to protect your FOC and yourself, and that is pretty amazing. Living so close to your family cannot be easy, other members under similar circumstances do manage though, and it seems you have too before.

Feeling you have a right to live your own life is an important part of coming OOTF. Sometimes we find our old dreams are our current dreams, other times that we have moved on as life has changed and we to. So I think part for you will be to figure out whether becoming a family therapist is till a dream that is alive here and now.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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4mya

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Re: My own life
« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2017, 04:24:39 PM »
Thank you for the reply- it is so apparent to me right now that I need to focus on my marriage and my daughter in order to stop repeating the cycle. I want to focus on my career but in my FOO I was used as GC in my education and career. I no longer talk and have not for several years about my career, husbands career ect ect ect ...to stop the "supply" to my M and competitiveness in FOO.
It was the only time I was actually noticed (being mainly the lost or SG in my youth).

right now I can't tell weather it is me (wanting to solve my own issues) or my FOO (living up to the standard) or something I really want to pursue to help others...

It is sometimes is so frustrating as I feel I have stalled for years not pursuing anything and trying to heal with my T (so I have some regret and anger to work through).

thanks for reply - it helps to post and see in writing sometimes my "thoughts"  :) :)

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ICantThinkOfAName

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Re: My own life
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2017, 07:48:42 PM »
I get it.  I had an enmeshed uBPM who deemed it her responsibility to tell me what career to pick.  All of her kids were going to graduate college.  I got a college degree in a field that I should have given less consideration to and I never used the degree.  I don't regret getting it, I think it has led me to where I am now.  There are some useful things I took from it.  For you though being a nurse first may actually be quite useful to being a T, you might be able to see physical symptoms that an "ordinary" T might overlook!  So you could be a Super T.  More holistic in a way as well.

As for writing and clarifying boundaries.  I have found for me anyway that it's best to let the PDs discover them on their own.  Much like a dog with an electric fence.  If you tell them what you plan to do, they will find that electric fence line and try to move it or make you justify it.