"Be SUPER careful around all4peace!"

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all4peace

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"Be SUPER careful around all4peace!"
« on: August 17, 2017, 07:33:42 PM »
I knew when I called mom out on crossing a spoken boundary that she would find a way to play victim to my dear B. And she did. I prewarned him, in the context of "Hey, here's what I asked of mom, here's what she did, here's how I responded. Heads up in case she starts badmouthing."

So, according to B, mom awkwardly shoehorned it into a conversation. And he totally set her straight. He told her that she needs to respect our wishes as parents, that she doesn't need to agree, but she does need to listen.

She remained totally justified in her own eyes, but her conclusion was that she will have to be "very, very, very careful around all4peace."  :stars:
She did this last time, the only other time I crossed her after she refused to respect my wishes as a parent.
I carefully and calmly pointed out to DB that this is a manipulative tactic. It is distraction. It is meant to paint the picture as if I am crazy and super sensitive and that she has to walk on eggshells around me, when the simple fact is I asked her something reasonable that she immediately and repeatedly disrespected.

uNM has been so incredibly difficult and manipulative with DB's wife that she is soon leaving the family business. And B has been hearing about her manipulations and behavior with my dear sis and me also. He's the only one that can set her straight without retaliation from her. I don't hold out hope that she will change (he suggested she get counseling!) but I am glad she's hearing it from the one person that makes it hard for her to ignore. And I'm very, very thankful that DB didn't throw me under the bus (I didn't think he would) but instead stood up for all of us.

Apparently NM is worried about the "next generation." I also made it very, very clear to DB that my strong opinion is there are no crippling problems in the "next generation," but an awful lot of work to be done by mom and dad with their own issues. Where we have issues, we work on them. We are (mainly, hopefully) not passing down the dysfunction of our parents to our own kids. While mom would LOVE to spread the blame around, I hope my siblings are clear-eyed enough to place it right back where it belongs, or at least the responsibility.

I think it may finally, finally be time for uNM to pay the piper.

As a side note, DB was recounting more acts of violence of mom towards dad, ones that I have no memory of. I think if the 4 of us were to pool our collective memories, our childhood would have been far worse than any single one of us can remember.

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harrieth

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Re: "Be SUPER careful around all4peace!"
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2017, 09:57:30 PM »
I've heard the "I have to walk on eggshells around you" excuse in my own dealings with my uNPD family.

For me, my family used it on me when I went back to VLC after being NC with them for many years. In my case, it was used as an excuse. They didn't invite me (or my husband or my daughter) to family gatherings, wouldn't engage with us, wouldn't "work" on the relationship as they had asked me to do. Because they were afraid of what I might do. They acted scared that I would somehow explode on everyone if they included me as part of the family--after years of hounding me to speak to them when I was NC.

In your case, it sounds to me like triangulation. She's trying to win people over to her side by making you sound crazy. And what you've asked for is perfectly legitimate, so there's really no need for all this drama.

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VividImagination

  • Fear is not real; it is a product of the thoughts you create. Danger is very real, but fear is a choice. - After Earth
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Re: "Be SUPER careful around all4peace!"
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2017, 10:14:55 PM »
This bait and switch tactic was a favorite of my NM's. The wide-eyed "she's mentally unstable, be careful...fear the crazy Vivid" was so overdone that my brother (why is it always the son that can put the mother in her place???) finally began saying, "If she's so unstable and crazy, why are you the only one who ever sees it?"

There's a little projection in there, too.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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practical

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Re: "Be SUPER careful around all4peace!"
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2017, 11:19:03 PM »
"I don't know what I can and cannot say to you." was a classic for me, oversensitive eggshell practical.

Happy your B stood by you and the truth. I think we all fight hardest for our boundaries when doing otherwise might put our kids in harms way, so I totally get why you were so clear and good for you!
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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all4peace

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Re: "Be SUPER careful around all4peace!"
« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2017, 11:45:43 PM »
This bait and switch tactic was a favorite of my NM's. The wide-eyed "she's mentally unstable, be careful...fear the crazy Vivid" was so overdone that my brother (why is it always the son that can put the mother in her place???) finally began saying, "If she's so unstable and crazy, why are you the only one who ever sees it?"

There's a little projection in there, too.
I seriously flashed to a wolf pack recently when my brother described to me how he could set mom straight (at least she accepts it, she doesn't actually change). He's the ultimate alpha-male, apparently (not my dad), at least when she's not being the dominant one. Still haven't fully figured this out.